Tangled Up In Blue
by Blue Favonian
Summary: Help wasn't coming, and it never would. Atlantis was out of reach. AU, Mcshep RM x JS Mpreg. Rated M for mature content. Please read more detailed warnings within.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **All the characters and Concepts belong to their rightful owners and creators. Any alteration to existing characters or situations are my own doing, and I claim no profit from either. All song lyrics used at the beginning of each chapter belong to their rightful owners and musicians. No offense is intended in any alterations made by myself.

**Rating: **M

**Warnings: **Slash of the Mcshep kind, Mpreg, swearing and sensitive subjects, violence. AU, OOCness

**Author's Notes: **Normally I never would have thought that I'd actually write and post an Mpreg story, but this particular plot has been bugging me for weeks. This story is going to be a long one, so if slash, mpreg and long stories aren't your thing, then please turn back now!

In this story, Samantha Carter is the leader of the expedition and they haven't left the original home planet of Atlantis. Please note that there may be out of characterness for some characters, but in general I try to remain true to each character's individuality. I'm always open to suggestions, comments or constructive criticism, but flaming for any reason goes against the nature of this site.

Also note that I currently do not have a beta for this story, so there will be mistakes!! Feel free to point them out to me, and if anyone is interested in acting as beta to this story, I'd be very happy to hear from you!

Enjoy!

* * *

_**Prologue**_

_May be surrounded by_

_A million people I_

_Still feel all alone_

_I just wanna go home_

_Oh, I miss you, you know_

- Michael Buble, Home

_It had taken Rodney years to learn that it wasn't ever one thing that made a relationship break. Usually it was lots of little things, mistakes and shortcomings, things that weren't said and things that were never meant to be said but were. _

_When his mother had walked out on his father, nothing had changed. Things had been broken between his parents for so long that he couldn't remember a time when they weren't. He had sometimes hoped that Jeannie wasn't as cynical about the whole thing as he was, but then again, how could she be? She had never had any trouble maintaining relationships, never had any trouble relating to people like he did._

_So his mother had left in the usual flurry of drama that accompanied her wherever she went, and his father had watched as dispassionately as he ever had. And that, Rodney supposed, was why great minds could never live together peacefully. His mother had been an English professor, his father, a Physicist, and having two children more gifted than ordinary gifted children had possibly been a point of contention between the two. Having Rodney as a child obviously hadn't been easy on either one of them. _

_He had never quite been sure where he had gotten the sense that he was a disappointment to both of them. It was something he had always felt instinctively and had constantly tried to compensate for by being the smartest and the best at what he did. Jeannie hadn't seen it, nobody really had. It was just now and then, that he caught a glimpse of it in the looks, in the way they spoke to him. He had always been a little too independent for his own good, never wanting to ask for help, never wanting anyone to interfere with what he was doing._

_Well, he definitely wanted help this time. Begged for it, prayed for it with everything he had, even if it was only in his thoughts._

_After the first few weeks he stopped even that. Help wasn't coming, and it never would._

_Atlantis was out of reach._

_They asked him questions, endless questions. Where was Atlantis? Who was in control? How many soldiers were defending it, what kind of weapons did they have?_

_Rodney was only grateful that they didn't have the ability to probe his mind like the Replicators did because he always gave the same answers._

_Atlantis was a figment of the imagination, a fanciful story told to amuse children before bed. A man named Spock was in control, and they had armies of killer rabbits and rag dolls. They knew his answers were false, he could see it in the calm serenity written on their faces, in the gentle smiles that graced their beautiful features, and he knew it would only be a matter of time before he broke. When the questioning was over for another day, he was returned to his cell, a lightless, windowless tiny room. _

_He didn't know how long he had been stuck in the room for, only that it seemed like unending years. It had probably been only weeks. _

_It always startled him, the darkness. Everything in their city was so pristine, so white and brigh, so shining and clean that it reminded him eerily of something he couldn't quite grasp anymore. _

_The cell was exactly ten paces across and fifteen paces long. At first he had used his hands to feel along the walls in the darkness as he counted each step from wall to wall but when he was sitting there with nothing but his thoughts as company it seemed so much bigger._

_He was sure it was something meant to throw him off and drive him over that fine line that divided the sane and the insane. Rodney walked that line every day now._

_The darkness became a kind of cloak. It locked the world out there and left him with his thoughts and questions and the tormentors that lived within his mind. He questioned every single decision he had ever made, he confronted all those bullies he had faced in high school and said the things he wished he had said to his parents all those years ago. It was too late now; they were both long gone, buried in the soils of his home world. He wondered what Jeannie was doing, how much Madison had grown, and if Caleb was still making that stupid tofu thing he had made for his one and only visit._

_But mostly, he thought about Atlantis. He went over all the equations that made her work in those long dark hours. Remembered her soaring spires and the cool ocean breeze on his face, the quiet hum of her living and breathing around him and smiled when he thought about her temper tantrums, the warm comfort of returning to her after hard forages out into alien worlds. _

_What he remembered most vividly though, was the deep, sapphire blues of her skies. No doubt that would fade too, with time, but he was holding onto that as tightly as he could._

_It hurt him to remember, stung like a thousand tiny little cuts all over his body, festered like a wound gone untended. He ached with the fever of longing to be back there, to see the faces of the people he had come to know so well in such a short amount of time. Close quarters and constant near death experiences forged bonds that were sacred, he had learned, and he hadn__'__t ever wanted to see them severed._

_And so while Rodney hated that darkness at first with a raging fire that had made him punch at the walls in desperation, it eventually faded into a dull ache, along with the rest of his emotions, and the darkness, oddly enough became the only friend he had left._

_Soon even the memories weren't enough to keep him company or hold the chill at bay, and he was forced to live in the moment, moving for one hour of misery to the next. He grew tired of chasing memories that did nothing but make him ache. He was old enough to know better, and taunting himself with all the things he should have done wasn't going to keep him alive._

_So one day, when a different set of guards came and collected him from his dark little sanctuary, he came to know a different kind of fear. _

_Yet a small part of him was glad for the change. He knew better than to struggle against the guards by now. Something in his being screamed out that he should, that he needed to but a new fear had griped him, all consuming and terrible in its power and he could do nothing but walk numbly between the two guards._

_Because he knew what they were, and he knew what they were going to do with him. _

_It was their clothes that gave them away. Their spotless creamy white outfits were nothing like what the scientists back on earth wore, but the pristine gloves and goggles did. _

_The room they took him to was an unpleasant shock. A large box of plastic sitting within another room with a single perfectly made up bed, with one table, one chair and a small basin. It was like an observation room, and Rodney wondered, with a sick and all too familiar clenching of fear in his gut just what they would be doing to him now._

_He came to know another type of nightmare which was so much worse than before. Days turned into a long, endless procession of dull routine. Rodney Mckay, once the observer had become the observed. He endured each test and scan in silence though, because screaming and fighting like he wanted to would do nothing but tire him out. He grew accustomed to long periods of obscure dreams and half conscious musings._

_When he woke, he didn't know how long he had been asleep, only that he was strapped to a bed unable to move. A dull, aching pain existed somewhere deep in his belly, and his head was pounding like the after affects of a migraine. He lay there, taking in the plain white room, and found a feeling akin to weary amusement bubbling away inside. _

_Rodney should have been used to all of this now, but it still struck him as alien every time he really started to think about things. He had learned a long time ago that it was easier not to think, easier to just exist without that added burden, but old habits died hard and like everything else for him, Rodney's mind just couldn't stay quiet._

_He lay there, awake and aware for what seemed like a year, but eventually, the dull throbbing of his body got the better of him and he slipped off to sleep again, wondering vaguely what he had to live for anymore if he was only alive in his dreams._

_The next time he woke up, he was back in the familiar surrounding of his holding cell. He was lying on his bed once more, free to move, but he lay still for a long while, trying to figure out what felt so different and why._

_Eventually, he moved, spurred on by the pain in his belly, and lifted his loose white shirt. When he found a long, thin red scar four inches long running the length of his belly he sat up, startled. They had done something to him. Cut him open and messed around with his insides. It looked like it had been done awhile ago, for the scar was mostly healed and there were no stitches of any kind, just the ever present ache.._

_Rodney leaned over the side of his bed and vomited the meager contents of his stomach onto the clean white of the floor before collapsing back onto his bunk, exhausted. He curled onto his side, hugging himself and wondered, for the millionth time, when the nightmare would end._

_Things fell back into their usual routine pretty quickly. He was not harmed in any way, if you didn't count the daily injections and inspections and examinations. He sensed, somehow, that they were pleased. Whatever they had done to him, it had obviously worked, although he didn't feel any different, if you discounted the occasional ache in his stomach. There was no telling what they had done to him. _

_He spent inordinate amounts of time thinking of the possibilities of what they had done._

_After yet another period of indeterminable time, something changed again. _

_The guards returned, bringing with them a syringe filled with that same milky substance. He sat still and let them inject him with whatever nasty drug they had come up with but this time they left him alone, and he flopped onto his back and felt that now familiar warmth spreading throughout him, the strange lights spinning interesting and lazy patterns around him._

_A rippling shuddered passed over and around him, and he blinked lazily up the ceiling. Then the rippling came again, harder and he felt the floor shaking beneath him, and wondered idly if finally, finally the end of the world was coming and he was being granted release._

_He closed his eyes and smiled, succumbing to the darkness willingly once more_


	2. Leave the Pieces

- - - - - - - - -

Please see the prologue for standard disclaimer

- - - - - - - -

**Chapter One**: _Leave The Pieces_

_Don't go smiling now_

_You know I'll be confused_

_Across the table I'm staring into you_

_Oh, your mourner's eyes fill up with blue_

_And the night comes in_

_And it ends too soon_

_You were always true_

_But you were sad and marooned._

_- Evermore, Inside of Me_

If Rodney had told his father that he would one day be living in another galaxy and getting himself thrown headfirst into the face of danger on a regular basis, his father would have laughed in his face and had him committed.

Of course, sometimes he had a hard time believing it was real himself but that didn't mean it wasn't. He had experienced too much, and learned more about himself than he had ever thought possible for it to be some kind of elaborate fantasy created by his mind.

If anyone had asked him if this is where he had imaged he'd be ten years ago, he'd probably have gaped at them like a fish in a bowl. The Atlantis expedition was something that was meant for extraordinary people, with extraordinary talent and while he wasn't about to discredit his own brilliance, experiences like Atlantis didn't usually happen to people like Rodney.

That being said, he probably hadn't always been appreciative of everything that Atlantis was, and he'd definitely taken the personnel for granted. Atlantis was everything and nothing he'd expected it to be. He had never been the kind of person who would willingly put himself in danger, more because of his sense of self preservation than anything else, and yet he had started to look forward to the missions once a pattern had become established.

He wasn't a person who trusted others easily, but he supposed he should have known that the members of his team would mount a rescue operation, and while it had been a success, he still wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

"Rodney, are you listening to me?"

"...huh?" he asked, startled from his musing abruptly. It wasn't like his mind was working as it had. Spending six months held captive tended to lead the mind astray, and Rodney was definitely no exception to that rule.

"I'll take that as a no, then." Keller sighed. "I know that this is difficult for you, but I need you to try okay? Do you know anything at all about what they did to you? Anything you can remember will help me in my examinations and get you out of here quicker."

Rodney sighed quietly to himself. He wasn't exactly sure just how long he had been in the infirmary, but it had been quite awhile if the worn and tired look on Keller's face was anything to go by.

The truth was though, no matter how many times they asked him the same questions, the results would still be the same. His memories were extremely fuzzy on the matter, so he was little help to them at all. No surprise there either; even before he had been captured, he had fallen into a pattern of not being able to come up with solutions quickly enough. Useless, excess baggage, just as his mother had once told him. At least he wasn't disappointing her, he thought acerbically.

Keller cleared her throat pointedly.

"Oh…right." He blinked rapidly and frowned at the blanket covering his lap, and his hands that rested on top of it. "You want to know about the scar on my stomach."

"Anything at all Rodney?" Keller asked again, a note of pleading in her voice.

He shook his head. "If there was anything, you know as well as I do that I'd tell you. I'm not withholding information. They gave me some sort of...drug and left me alone until it took affect. I'm sorry."

"Me too Rodney," she said, rubbing at her forehead for a moment as she frowned down at her chart. "Well, don't let it bother you too much. I'm sure you'll remember something eventually."

Keller patted his arm with a warm smile before moving away.

Rodney exhaled and stared at the ceiling above him. The problem, he thought, was that he didn't really_ want_ to remember anything. Throughout his life, Rodney had excelled at dismissing the things that made him uncomfortable. That way he could ignore all of his shortcomings and focus on the things that mattered, namely science. Ignorance was bliss and all that.

But six months was a long time to ignore. He had been gone for six months, captured during a mission gone wrong. Thankfully, he had been drugged out of his mind for a large part of it. He had lost time, and lost a large piece of himself.

What he had acquired in return was a whole heap of unanswerable questions, an ugly ass scar and a new perspective that he had never wanted to be privy to.

Rodney had always been so sure of himself, but once he had been rescued and weaned off the drugs and awoken for the first time, it had felt like the ground had spun out from underneath his feet. People wanted answers, people wanted to know what had happened, but the truth was Rodney didn't know what to believe, and he probably wouldn't know the truth if it was staring him in the face.

Sam needed to know if he had given away Atlantis' position, John needed to know if they were going to be yet another threat they had to deal with in the future, Keller had endless questions about his health and treatment and it went on and on.

Rodney had been on his own, in a kind of solitary confinement, and he had not a soul to talk to. Finding his voice again had been difficult; escaping the demons of his mind was something he hadn't accomplished yet.

Atlantis had been the one thing he did remember in his more lucid moments. He could always picture her souring towers, the blue of the ocean waves as they broke, the constant but quiet hum of a city living and breathing all around him. Atlantis had been his playground, his companion and at times, his unwilling associate. He had come to love her as much as anything he had ever known. She wasn't just a city to him, she was a living being with a soul all of her own. Once, he had known where his place was at Atlantis, but that time had passed and he knew that it was time once again to discover where he fit.

But the more he thought about leaving the infirmary and venturing out to rejoin his colleagues, the less confident he became. Keller had told him that he was supposed to be released a couple of days ago, and that soon he would need to leave. It was taking that first step that was the most difficult.

Rodney sat on his freshly made hospital bed and swung his legs slightly as he waited for Doctor Keller. It was finally time for him to leave the infirmary and he still wasn't sure how he felt about it. Still, at least it was evening. Most of the Atlantis personnel would be in the cafeteria, in their quarters or still on duty, leaving most of the hallways clear and quiet.

Keller had told him to expect an escort, though why he needed one he didn't know. While the Chief Medical Officer of the expedition was keen to see him on his feet again and returning to normal life as soon as possible, Rodney had learnt that she had expressed concern over his situation. She still didn't know what had been done to him in that mystifying surgery that made him sick to his stomach (metaphorically of course) whenever he thought about it for too long. Samantha Carter apparently agreed.

And so until they had a better idea of what exactly had been done to him, he'd be having someone baby sit him. Rodney wasn't sure whether to be relieved or frustrated. A part of him was grateful that he wouldn't be left alone as he had been for the past six months or so. Some company wouldn't be so bad on one hand. But another part of him just wanted to forget the whole experience had happened, to get on with his life as best he could, despite missing something that had essentially made him who he had been.

He knew he was different. Rodney had always resisted change in the past, but Atlantis had been a catalyst of sorts. Never had he been so dedicated to any one project in his entire life, never had work become something so personal before arriving in the Pegasus Galaxy. Rodney had put everything he was into keeping her running for just one more day, he had invested sweat, blood and tears into every single piece of technology he fixed and improved. In return, Atlantis had transformed him in ways he had never thought possible.

His absence, therefore, had torn something from he that he hadn't known had existed. He felt more uncertain and uncomfortable in his own skin that he ever had, and he was no longer sure if he was fit to be a part of Atlantis any longer. She obviously continued to function without him, and he had learned of many improvements that had been made in his absence.

The bottom line was that he no longer felt comfortable in his own home.

"Rodney."

He jumped, startled, as a warm hand descended on his shoulder, and looked up into the smiling eyes of one John Sheppard.

"Colonel?"

"McKay, how're you doing?" John asked, not moving his hand from Rodney's shoulder. "I heard you're ready to blow this joint at last."

For a brief moment, Rodney hadn't a clue what to say. John had been the one to mount the rescue operation to save him, but since then he hadn't seen hair or hide of him. The man who had always been hard to find at the best of times had been conspicuously absent ever since Rodney had woken up in the infirmary. He had often wondered where John had been, and couldn't help but feel a little hurt to have been avoided like he carried some sort of disease.

Sure, he knew that John Sheppard wasn't well known for his people skills, and when it came down to relationships he probably hadn't the slightest clue what he was doing, but Rodney had always considered them to be friends, even when they weren't on the best of terms.

"Uh…" he stammered momentarily before clearing his throat. "Yeah. That's what Keller says. Apparently I'm to be escorted to my room."

"Well, let's get going then, shall we? I'm sure you're more than ready to get out of here." John smiled at him.

Rodney blinked at him in surprise.

"You're…."

"Yup."

And it all clicked into place for him. They didn't trust him yet. For all they knew he was a new security threat to Atlantis and there was the possibility that he had been compromised. Rodney wasn't a stupid man; he knew how it all worked. He'd spent years working for various militaries on top secret assignments, working with advanced technologies. There was a universe of knowledge in his head that could be potentially deadly in the wrong hands. They had to make sure that he had kept his silence, as he had sworn to do.

A cold, tight knot formed low in his belly and sat there, heavy and unforgiving, a grim companion to the tightness in his throat and the traitorous prickling behind his eyes.

"They don't trust me any more do they?" he asked Sheppard tiredly, rubbing his forehead.

"Rodney, it's not…."

"Why else would they have you, head of the military escorting me to my quarters? I'm not blind and I'm not stupid," Rodney replied softly.

He didn't have the energy nor the will to get fired up about anything but he'd rather they just get it over with as soon as possible. Like ripping off a band aid, it would hurt less and the pain would fade faster. At least he wouldn't be laboring under any misconceptions for months until someone finally took pity on him and let him know the truth. Even if their friendship no longer existed, he knew he could count on Sheppard to tell him the truth.

"When are they sending me back?"

Sheppard blinked at him and didn't say anything for a long moment, his surprise evident on his face. Rodney just watched him expectantly, and waited for his answer.

"Look," Sheppard exhaled and put his hands on his hips. "No one's sending you anywhere. Sam wants to sit down with you tomorrow to talk but as far as I know, no one has any intention of sending you back to Earth."

"I find that hard to believe," Rodney replied. "I've been in the hands of the enemy for more than six months, Colonel."

"I understand why you would think that, but that's not how it happens Rodney."

John glanced around the infirmary, and while it was mostly deserted, it probably wouldn't be the best place to be discussing Rodney's future. Even after the long months apart, Rodney still had that uncanny ability to guess, with fair accuracy, what John was thinking about.

"Look. D'you mind if we take this somewhere else?"

"I'm tired, John. If you don't mind, I'd rather just go to my quarters."

John studied him for a long moment before he nodded.

"Okay, Rodney. But we will talk about this again."

"I don't doubt it."

* * *

They'd packed up all of his belongings into battered cardboard boxes. It was lucky that no one had shipped them back to earth to his sister, or he'd be using borrowed or retired goods from everyone else on the base.

He had a new room, closer to the infirmary and away from most of the other living quarters. It also happened to be closer to that quarter's belonging to the more senior members of the expedition. He only hadn't taken rooms there before so he could be closer to the labs.

Still, the rooms on either side of him were deserted, and he had a fair idea that the other quarters along the corridor belonged to people who kept to themselves.

To say that Rodney was conflicted was a bit of an understatement. When he was alone he ached, a numb kind of pain that resounded throughout his being and sapped his strength. It was a loneliness that he couldn't shake, no matter what he told himself or how he reasoned. He craved the touch of another person, conversation to ease his mind and make him forget, for a little while, as he lost himself in the mundane ins and outs of normal conversation. And yet he felt like shying away any time anyone got close. Physical contact of any kind made him jittery and he couldn't stand people after so long in isolation. He wondered if it was some kind of conditioning he'd been put through. It made an unsettling kind of sense.

Rodney stood in the middle of the room and looked around. These rooms were nicer and roomier than his old ones. He suspected that they had been intended for two people instead of just one. There was a bedroom just like his old one, and a slightly larger bathroom, but in addition to this there was also a small lounge room complete with a couch and a sitting chair. Beyond this lovely room there was a balcony which offered a very picturesque view of the city and the great ocean beyond.

Opposite his bedroom however was another room, empty and devoid of any furniture, which led Rodney to suspect that it was indeed, intended for a second person. It didn't look like he'd be having a 24 hour companion/guard anyhow, and for that he was extremely grateful.

Still, as he stood in his new room, with the boxes holding his belongings, he couldn't help but feel the urge to just sit down and cry. It wasn't an urge that he was particularly proud of. He was a man, and he had been brought up to believe that grown men didn't cry for any reason, but given his current situation he couldn't really hold it against himself.

He was all too aware of John standing in the door way behind him, having shown him to his new quarters. Rodney kept his back to the man, not wanting him to see his pathetic display of emotion.

What hurt him perhaps the most, he was surprised to discover, was that they'd packed up his things. It was practical, he supposed, and logical, but that didn't stop it from sending a sharp, stabbing pain through his gut. It had seemed as if they had moved on in his absence easily enough and while that had probably been for the best, he was only human after all and he wanted someone to miss him. He wanted someone to notice that he had been gone and to wish that he had still been around. He wanted someone to miss him for who he was and not what he could do.

But considering the kind of person he was (or had been) he wasn't really surprised. There was no way he could be proud of the person he had been before his capture, and there was no way he was proud of the insecure man he still was.

"What do you think?" John asked from behind him. "If you don't like them I can find you somewhere else."

Rodney took a long moment to look around at the spacious and sophisticated surrounds before nodding, more to himself than to John.

"They'll be fine."

"Want me to stick around and help you unpack?" John offered, hesitantly.

Rodney appreciated the offer, but he was feeling a bit too down to be good company. Besides, he suspected that John was only offering to be nice. He probably had more important things to be doing, and the last thing Rodney wanted was to be a hindrance. It was time he started learning to be self sufficient again, something he'd never really been good at in the past but it needed to be done nevertheless.

"That's okay. I'll do it some other time," he replied softly, looking around and not quite knowing what to do.

"Okay then. If you need anything, I'm just down the hallway," John told him.

Rodney listened to the sound of his door open quietly, but knew that John still lingered.

"It's good to have you back Rodney."

Rodney felt the ache in his chest tighten, and was barely aware of the door closing behind the man before he sat down abruptly and, surrounded by the boxes scattered in the room and buried his face in his hands.

* * *

The advantage of having a balcony room, Rodney discovered the next morning was that he could leave the doors open at night and let the fresh air in. Luckily, his room faced away from the sun rise, so it stayed cool and shaded until almost midday.

It was still dark when he awoke, and he spent a long time lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. There was so much to do, so much he needed to think about but he just wished he could switch off his brain for awhile and work on autopilot.

But his mind had never been quiet, not when he had been a child, nor a teenager. Even when he tried to relax, his mind would always been whirling away, producing idea after idea, running through equations and formulas. It was both his greatest asset and his biggest downfall.

Once the sun had risen, he could watch through the open doors of balcony as the sun crept down the nearest buildings and eventually he hauled himself out of bed and headed towards the shower.

With the hot water pounding down on his back, and streaming down in a wonderful waterfall, Rodney finally forced himself to take a long look at his body.

He had lost quite a bit of weight over the last few months. While his arms and shoulders had always been fairly well toned (thanks to situation after situation and lots of arm waving) his stomach had always carried a little excess weight. Well, that was long gone now, leaving only a smooth expanse of stomach, with no muscle tone (like he was sure that Sheppard had). But in losing the excess kilo's he had gained a thin red scar about four inches in length that started between the last two ribs and ended before his belly button.

Rodney ran his fingers over the slightly raised scar and wondered yet again, what his strange captors had done to him. Had they sliced him open and rooted around his insides like high schools did in their science labs? Did they change him somehow? It made him feel violated in a way, and angry, but most of all he was just scared.

He closed his eyes and left the water run over his face, wishing there was a way he could wash off everything that had happened just as the water washed away his sweat.

If only it was that simple. Calling a do over wasn't possible though, and he knew that because he had learned the hard way. There were never any second chances. People died because of stupid mistakes, things went wrong for unknown reasons, technology stopped working, and relationships fell apart sometimes for good reason, sometimes with no reason at all. Life, in all its unpredictability, had never made much sense to him.

He understood math's and science, engineering and astrophysics better than he had ever understood himself, or life or people. It was a sad fact, but one that was true and the best that he could do was keep making guesses in the dark and hoping that they were the right ones.

Rodney had to dig out clean clothes from the stuffed boxes littering his room once he was out of the shower. None of them were labeled, and it looked as if everything had been thrown in with great haste and no organization whatsoever. He ignored the very obvious implications of that and concentrated on pulling on his trousers.

Once he was fully dressed, Rodney poked his head out into the hallway, unsure what to do next. It turned out that he didn't need to wonder for long, because his stomach let out a hungry whine. With a rueful little smile, and a rub to his stomach Rodney set off towards the cafeteria. Some things never changed.

It seemed that, for once luck was with him. The path he took to the infirmary was completely deserted and he allowed himself to get lost in the sound and feel of Atlantis once more. As he walked, light that glowed dully in the absence of people brightened automatically; doors slid open with a pleasing hiss.

It wasn't just the things happened automatically that made Atlantis so fascinating. It was the ambience, the feel of actually being in a city that was more than ten thousand years old, and it was difficult to put in words just how amazing it really was. It amazed him that after so long away from her winding corridors, he still remembered exactly how to get where he wanted to go.

There really wasn't anywhere like Atlantis, at least it two galaxies. Sometimes Rodney wondered how he had ever been satisfied with his life before the expedition. He had seen things he'd never imagined possible, dealt with technology and science that was so far beyond him it was exhilarating and frustrating at the same time, knowing that it was possible because the results were there, but the science was beyond him.

He had all the evidence he needed to believe but getting there had been the hard part. Before Atlantis, Rodney had relied on the knowledge he had forced into his head, but never on his instinct. Surviving, Rodney had learnt, was relying on a combination of gut instinct and knowledge, rather than one or the other. He had learnt to trust himself, despite all the doubts that constantly plagued him. But more importantly, he had learned to trust others, something that he had never been able to grasp before.

But despite all of the things he had learned, there was still the business of living to be dealt with. One still had to get up each morning, and take care of the body's needs. There were still the difficulties of relationships and friendships to contend with and it seemed that no matter what galaxy you were in there was no escaping the messy chaos that accompanied both. It was often hard for Rodney to reconcile the sheer awesome power of Atlantis with the more mundane ins and outs of living. Not to mention all the life and death situations they had to put up with and the occasional tragic death.

But all of that was too hard for Rodney to think about having only just returned to Atlantis a week and a half ago. It was funny just how much one's perspective could shift in such a seemingly short amount of time. It hadn't seemed like a short time to him, despite being drugged for most of it. It had felt more like an eternity he'd been away, like a dark and twisted dream instead of something that had actually happened.

And the hardest thing to deal with, apart from himself, was the fact that things that had seemed important before he'd been taken on that godforsaken planet weren't so important any more.

Rodney shook his head and tried once more to push the problems to the back of his mind. He had a meeting with Sam and Heightmire to get through, and if he was going to convince them to let him get back to work, then he'd need to look like he actually believed in what he was saying.

The cafeteria doors opened for him silently, and he took a moment to glance around. There were a couple of small groups sitting around and lingering over a late breakfast. The conversations were quiet, and unobtrusive, but Rodney still felt uncomfortable being in the presence of so many people.

The smell of warm food distracted him, and he wandered over to the serving tables. There was the usual offering of breakfast foodstuffs; toast, bacon, pancakes, sausages and eggs, with cereal and tea and coffee. Rodney picked up a plate and helped himself to toast and eggs, and a little bit of bacon. The coffee was a no brainer; he poured in milk and heaped two spoonfuls of sugar before turning to find somewhere to sit.

Deciding to forgo sitting inside by himself, he headed for the balcony where there was always a couple of tables set out and a view over the east side of the city. At least he could get a little bit of peace and quiet and not feel like a complete loner sitting by himself.

He stopped in surprise just outside when he saw Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon sitting in a warm patch of sunlight by the railing, half finished breakfasts before them. Rodney hesitated a moment, knowing that he would be welcomed but not sure if he was ready to face them all yet. Sure, he'd seen them (with the exception of Sheppard) when they'd visited him in the infirmary but it was different being out of the infirmary.

But they had been good to him, they had rescued him and he needed to at least make an effort. Things wouldn't return to normal over night, and they'd understand. At least, he hoped they would.

Taking a deep breath and bracing himself, he walked over to their table and stood uncertainly, suddenly unable to find anything to say.

It turned out that he didn't need to though, because when they saw him they took matters into their own hands. Sheppard broke out into a broad grin and leaned back in his chair.

"Hey, Rodney."

He nodded in greeting and shifted uneasily.

"You uh...mind if I join you?" he asked uncertainly.

"Of course not."

Sheppard used his foot to push out a chair opposite him and Rodney set down his tray, immensely relieved not to have been embarrassed.

Before he could sit down, Teyla stood up and walked around the table. The next thing he knew he was wrapped in warm arms and he stiffened instinctively, feeling her hand on the back of his neck. After a long moment though, he relaxed and rested his forehead on her shoulder.

"It is good to see you up at last Rodney. We've missed you," she said softly into his ear.

Despite the sudden tightness in his throat and the prickling tears in his eyes, he swallowed and managed to reply.

"Me too."

After another long moment, she released him and guided him to his seat with one hand on his arm before returning to her own.

Ronon, who was sitting next to him, nudged his arm and nodded his head in greeting and Rodney couldn't help the burst of amusement he felt at this typical Rononesque manner. After a moment, he wondered what there was for them to talk about. He'd been out of the loop for so long, and he had no idea what had been happening in Atlantis, what crisis's they had faced and defeated, what was happening back on earth.

But that didn't seem to matter to them, and they started filling him in about everything he had missed out on as he started to eat. He nodded in the right places and asked questions when he needed something clarified. Rodney couldn't help but feel a little bit disjointed though, as if it was all happening to someone else, and he was just a spectator. He wondered if the whole thing was just another experiment of his captors and decided that if it was, then it was the cruelest illusion they could have put him through.

After an hour of listening to them talk and banter, Teyla and Ronon left, claiming that they had classes in the training rooms to attend to, which left him alone with Sheppard.

Rodney pushed the remains of his food around the plate and wondered what he could possibly say to the man before him. They had once been best friends, but now all he could feel around him was uncomfortable and confused.

"You've been quiet," John said eventually.

He glanced up at him, and found him looking out over the rail towards the horizon. Much like himself, John seemed to be lost in his thoughts. Rodney was starting to wonder if things between them would ever return to how they had been.

He shrugged in reply and couldn't think of anything to say.

"Are you angry at me?"

Rodney looked up at him once more, only to find John looking at him, his gaze not wavering in the slightest. He shifted uncomfortably and toyed with his fork.

"What for?"

"For not visiting you. In the infirmary, I mean."

A part of him was, it was true. Another part of him was hurt and confused, but it honestly hadn't been at the front of his mind. With everything he had to face in the last week and a half, his mind was a jumble of half formed thoughts and emotions he couldn't recognize. He didn't know how to tell John that though. Everything was just a little too raw and he'd probably only end up exploding at him with misplaced anger.

He shrugged in response.

"I'm sorry Rodney. It wasn't fair of me to avoid you like that," his friend said nevertheless.

Rodney looked up at him and opened his mouth to say something but John was still talking and he honestly did need to know what he had to say. Why, he couldn't tell. All he knew was that he was looking for some sort of affirmation and he'd take it wherever he could find it.

"It was hard for me to see you like that. It's not really much of an excuse, I know, but it's the truth. I wasn't...brave enough to watch you go through what you did," John told him. He was staring off into the horizon once more, his eyes distant and his arms crossed. "These last few months have been...well, it's been hard."

John laughed, a short, bitter sound that made Rodney wince involuntarily.

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. It was my fault you got taken. I should have been paying more attention then I was. I was distracted by that weird sky, you see, and then you were just _gone_..."

John leaned forward then, and rested his elbows on the table before rubbing his eyes tiredly. Rodney sat in silence and really studied him for the first time since his rescue. It was obvious that he'd lost weight and not been sleeping well. Dark circles smudged beneath his eyes made him look older than he was, lines scored in the skin that hadn't been there before gave him the appearance of a man who had been pushed to his limits over and over again without rest or respite. It was obvious to anyone who looked closely enough that John Sheppard was a man who carried many burdens on his shoulders, and each and every perceived mistake that had resulted in failure or death hung over his head like a gloomy storm cloud.

Rodney knew what that was like because he had been the same. It became obvious then, that they had both been stuck in their own respective hells. John was laboring under the weight of all the things people expected from him and the death of people he had been responsible for, and possibly Rodney's own disappearance.

Rodney had been kidnapped, presumed missing in action while being drugged out of his mind and experimented on. He didn't actually remember much about any of that, but he had lost six months of his life to uncertainty and fear. He had been dead, at least in the eyes of his friends and colleagues.

"I don't remember much," Rodney said suddenly, surprising both himself and John. "Just flashes that I can't really make much sense of. And I think that's what scares me most. Apart from the...you know..."

He gestured to his stomach and John nodded in understanding.

"But I'm still not sure if it's a good thing or not. I think...if I did remember that maybe that would be worse, because then I can remember the fear and..." he trailed off. "I can't explain what happened. It doesn't make any sense. But..."

He was frustrated with his inability to express himself. Once he had been so free with his words but it was like someone had placed a plug between his brain and his mouth, so only a small trickle could escape.

"It's okay, Rodney. I understand..." John began but Rodney cut him off abruptly.

"What I'm trying to say is that I don't blame you. What they...they wanted me. And I think they would have gotten me no matter what we did differently. You shouldn't blame yourself."

John looked at him for a long moment, his eyes intent, before he dropped his head and nodded. Rodney could practically see some of the tension ease from his shoulders.

"Thank you, Rodney. You have no idea..." He stopped and exhaled before looking up at him with a smile that wasn't quite what it used to be, but was getting back there again.

"We have that meeting with Sam and Heightmire. You ready?"

Rodney shrugged, his discomfort returning. "I don't think...Well. I guess we'll see, won't we?"

"It's nothing to worry about. I'm going to be there with you. Everything will turn out okay," John told him as he stood up.

Rodney closed his eyes, fighting back another wave of tears that were threatening. It had been so long since anyone had offered him those false words of reassurance that never actually turned out to be true. The irony then, was that they actually did make him feel better for once. Especially when coming from John, who had the ability to see through those words and know better.

After a moment, Rodney stood up and turned to go but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder and John drawing him closer. His friend lowered his head in the traditional Athosian greeting of a friend and for a long moment, Rodney stared dumbly, acutely aware of John's hands warm on his shoulders. Finally though, the knot in his belly loosened a little, and the tightness in his throat returned and slowly, he lowered his forehead to John's, closing his eyes and drawing strength from his old friend.

"Welcome back, my friend," John murmured.

For the first time in almost two weeks, Rodney finally believed that he really was back home, back where he belonged.

TBC


	3. Beautiful Again

* * *

See Chapter One for standard disclaimer

* * *

**Chapter Two**: _Beautiful Again_

- -

_Don't go smiling now_

_You know I'll be confused_

_Peter fished for men_

_You've been fishing too_

_When you cast your net_

_You drew me into you_

_Now you set me free_

_I'm sinking in the blue_

_- Evermore, Inside of Me_

_- -_

"Rodney, John. Please, have a seat," Sam greeted them with a smile. "Rodney, it's good to see you healthy. I trust you're feeling well?"

Rodney offered a tight smile and a nod of confirmation as he took his seat. Kate Heightmire was sitting demurely to one side with her legs crossed and a note book in her lap. John took a seat next to her, sprawling out like he always did. Rodney gingerly sat down next to him, trying to quell the pit of snakes in his stomach.

Sam was opposite them, leaning her elbows on her desk and she was just as beautiful as Rodney remembered her, if a little more tired looking. He tried to remind himself that she had been embroiled in the Stargate program for years, and that she was used to seeing all things strange and disturbing.

He heard the quiet swish as the office door closed behind them, cutting off the noise and bustle of the control room and encasing them in silence. He was uncomfortable and tense and he couldn't remember the last time he'd had a meeting such as the one they were about to have. Nor could he remember a time when he had felt so nervous about something that wasn't life threatening.

But it wasn't just an ordinary meeting. They were going to decide his future and Rodney knew that the logical choice was to send him back to earth where he couldn't be a threat to anyone. If it had been Colonel Caldwell behind that desk he'd do it in a heartbeat.

But it wasn't, and he was counting on his previous relationship with Sam and her famous sense of compassion to let him stay. If he didn't have Atlantis, he'd have nothing. Everything he knew was associated with Atlantis; his friends and his home.

"So. I'd like to start by welcoming you back to Atlantis, Rodney. I can't imagine what you've been through, but it's good to have you back with us at last," she bestowed upon him a smile that once would have made him weak at the knees but now only gave him a small amount of warmth.

"I've been talking with Doctor Heightmire about the course of action we should take regarding your future here with us. First I'd like to hear what you think you'd like to do, if that's agreeable."

Rodney blinked in surprise but then frowned. He hadn't expected to be given a chance to say what _he'd_ like. After all, the Military and the Civilian sides of the expedition were run in completely different ways, and while he was civilian, Carter was, primarily, military.

He took a few moments to compose himself and tried to decide what to say.

"If it's okay...I'd like to stay on here. I can understand if you want to send me back to earth. I suppose in a way it would make more sense for you but...I still feel as though my place is here..." he said hesitantly. _He'd just need to find that place once more._ "Ultimately I understand that it's your decision, but I want to stay."

"And we're more than willing to have you," Sheppard put in, with a sharp look towards Sam. "Aren't we?"

"Of course," She nodded. "I'm more than happy to have you with us, Rodney. But before you start work again, I'd like you to take some personal leave, maybe go back to earth and visit your family..."

They were interrupted by the door sliding open and Doctor Keller sliding in with an embarrassed flush on her face.

"Ah, Doctor Keller. We started without you I'm afraid," Samantha waved her to the only free chair in the room

"Sorry I'm late. There was an accident involving one of the marines and Ronon in the practice room and..."

"Nothing too serious I hope?"

"No no. A few sprains and bruises but nothing life threatening, I can assure you," she replied with a rueful laugh.

"Good. Now, as I was saying. I think it's advisable to take some time off to get your bearings again. You don't have to return to earth but I'd like to see you relax and take it easy for awhile," Samantha addressed him once more. "Doctors Heightmire, Keller. What do you think?"

"From a physical point of view, I can tell you that Rodney is as healthy as he's ever been," Keller replied. "However, I still have no idea what they operated on, or why. The scans show nothing, no objects or foreign technology. I honestly don't know how to proceed from here."

John glanced at him momentarily, looking slightly guilty. "Is there the possibility that they didn't do anything? Maybe they were just...poking around?"

Rodney suppressed his shudder with difficulty. He felt chilled, and that familiar anger and fear came rushing back to him. He had to resist the urge to touch his stomach where the scar was. It didn't make any sense. None of it made any sense and it seemed as if he wasn't the only one who didn't understand. But that didn't make it any easier, and it didn't provide him with any relief. It was him who had had this done to him, for no apparent reason, and he probably wouldn't ever find the answers he needed to put his mind at rest.

Rodney rolled the hem of his shirt between his fingers and refused to look at any of them. He wasn't angry at Sheppard for asking; it only meant that he didn't have to.

"Exploratory surgery?" Keller was saying with a frown on her pretty face. "It occurred to me early on, but I dismissed it because it didn't make any sense. That was before I didn't find anything though..."

She trailed off and looked down, shame written on her face and in her posture. Rodney couldn't quite bring himself to feel compassion for her. The shame she felt was nothing compared to the shame locked inside of him, as selfish as that might sound.

"I'm sure you and your team tried your best, Doctor Keller, and that's all we can ask for." Sam paused for a moment as if gathering her thoughts. "Can we be certain that there isn't some kind of transmitter in him somewhere? Like the one that was in Teyla's necklace?"

"I'm pretty sure the scans we did would have picked it up if there was," Keller replied. "I'm positive that Rodney is completely healthy. There are no transmitters of any kind in him."

"And is that your official opinion?"

"Yes. I've put it all in the report."

"Doctor Heightmire. What about you?"

Kate Heightmire wasn't anyone Rodney had been particularly fond of. In fact, psychologists in general were people to be distrusted. He'd had run in with them back on earth throughout his life. It had been a requirement in many of the programs he had taken part in, and some of his teachers throughout his schooling life had insisted that he see professionals. They had the ability to keep him grounded and away from the projects he was working on, so he had spent a good deal of time learning about their tactics and how to avoid them. It had worked too, after a fashion, but Kate Heightmire had been a problem for him since day one.

There had been a point when Elizabeth had insisted that he visit her at least once a week. Once she had disappeared though, well, there hadn't been much point after that.

He didn't deny that shrinks helped people who were grieving or depressed or anything like that. But they just didn't seem to get him. They didn't know that his rambling and seemingly directionless speech actually served a purpose, and while at times he had to admit that his ego got the better of him, it was this, and his pride, that allowed him to accomplish the things that he did.

So he seemed positively manic at times, and there were times when he couldn't stay still for more than a few seconds and he had a tendency to over react and panic at the least convenient times. It was just a part of who he was, it was how he was wired, and he knew that there had never been a time when he was different.

And there was Kate, sitting in Carter's office holding his future in her perfect hands. He couldn't help but resent her for it, but there was nothing he could say. Not when she held the kind of power over him that she did, and that was something he hated, feeling powerless. It was something he had come very familiar with recently.

"My recommendation would be the same, although I'd like him to come and see me regularly over the next few weeks. It's not uncommon for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome to develop in the weeks after an event, especially in people who have been held captive. I've spoken to Doctor Mckay while he was in the infirmary about what happened, and while he seemed unwilling to talk about it just yet, I believe the best course of action is to give him some time to get himself together, as long as someone keeps an eye on his behavior," Heightmire replied. "As it stands at the moment, I am pleased with the way he has been coping. I believe, with time, we shall see what needs to be done."

Samantha nodded, looking thoughtful.

"Okay. Here's what we'll do..." she began but Rodney finally found he had something to say for himself and interrupted.

"I...Sorry Sam, but...I'd like to return to work." he blurted out. He flushed when they turned to look at him but continued on. "I don't think I want to take any time off. I'd rather just get back to work."

"Are you sure that's wise, Rodney? It seems to me like you need some time off..." Sam asked him doubtfully.

"No, I'm sure. I want to get back to work. I'm sure there's things that need my attention in the labs, problems that need fixing, that kind of thing..." he replied, somewhat awkwardly, waving a hand.

"Kate, what do you think?" Sam asked, her doubt evident on her face.

Kate was watching Rodney closely and after a long moment she looked thoughtfully down at her notebook.

"I think it's worth considering. Rodney's the type of person who needs to keep busy. It helps them keep grounded and it'd give him something to work from. I also think that if Rodney is left to his own devices with nothing to do, then he'd be prone to...depression, as well as other things," she said. "However, there is such a thing as working obsessively until collapsing, which I think we all know Rodney has done before. If you were to take this course of action, then I'd suggest setting a certain number of hours and strict monitoring to ensure that he sticks to them."

"Okay," Sam nodded, looking down at Rodney's file, which sat, closed upon her desk. "Okay. Here's what we'll do. Tomorrow you can start working again under the following conditions. Six hours a day, with two breaks as per everyone else. I want to see you in the cafeteria eating properly. Doctor Keller believes that an hour of exercise a day will be beneficial to both your physical and emotional health. I've scheduled you in for time with Teyla each afternoon at four. Once a week you have an appointment with Doctor Heightmire every Friday after lunch. Do you agree to these conditions?"

"I do," he said automatically. Because he might not like it, but it was the only way he could keep working, which was what he wanted. He didn't want to have time off so he could spend all day sitting around and feeling sorry for himself.

"Good. Colonel Sheppard, I want you to ensure that he sticks to the schedule. I know that you're a busy man, but..."

"I'll do it," Sheppard said quickly. "It won't be a problem.

Sam nodded before looking at Rodney once more. "I also want you to have check ups with Doctor Keller once a week, at least for a little while. I know its a little drastic, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry."

"It's okay," Rodney said quietly.

Sam nodded again.

"I'm glad we've sorted this out, Rodney. Take the rest of today off. We'll meet again in a week to see how things have gone. Agreed?"

Rodney barely stuck around long enough to listen to them all murmur their agreement. He was the first out of the door as he made a break for freedom.

* * *

Sheppard found him twenty minutes later on a secluded balcony over looking the waves breaking on one of the piers belong.

Rodney heard the door open, and knew immediately who it was. After all the Military Commander of Altantis was the only person who wasn't awkward with him anymore. Sheppard never had to search for anything to say to him, never got that uncomfortable look on his face whenever they interacted. It made him feel almost normal.

He watched, from the corner of his eye as Sheppard came up and leaned on the railing beside him. For a few long minutes they just stood together, the breeze cooling their skin in the shade.

"It's hard, listening to people talk about you as if you're not there isn't it?" Sheppard said eventually.

Rodney nodded his agreement but kept his eyes fixed on the waves below them.

"I've sat through more than one of those myself. The first is always the hardest," he continued. "After that, you learn to switch off after awhile."

"Isn't that what you always do in meetings?" Rodney asked.

"Usually. Well, not the mission briefings. But all of the others, yeah." he replied, with a lazy grin. "So listen. I'm heading to the main land to help Teyla for the afternoon. I thought you might like to come with us. Get a bit of fresh air and sun for awhile."

"What d'you think I'm doing now?" Rodney asked glancing at him for a second before looking out over the blue of the sea.

"Is that a no then?" Sheppard asked casually.

"I'll come," Rodney told him, surprising himself.

After a moment's consideration, he decided that he really did want to go. It might be nice take a breather from the relief of being back in Atlantis for an afternoon. And he didn't mind spending time with Sheppard after all. He seemed to understand him without needing explanation and that was different.

No one ever understood Rodney McKay without him needing to bluster and blunder and insult his way to familiarity. People usually thought they knew who he was within minutes of meeting him (a loud mouthed asshole with no regard for others) and it was something that had never used to bother him before, but like many other things, that had changed. Now it felt like the world was moving and he was the only thing standing still, but there was a glimmer of solidity within all the movement, and that was Sheppard, his one ally and his true friend. And the one who had found a way against all odds to rescue him.

He had known, from before, that John Sheppard never left any one behind, no matter how much he might hate the person, and while he had never knew the reasoning behind that, he understood it to a degree and had come to accept that the same went for him as well.

Rodney owed Sheppard everything; his life, his freedom, his loyalty, and he swore to himself that he would find a way to repay him, even though it was a debt so large he would probably never be able to, no matter how many times he rescued him from certain death. Rodney wouldn't ever take him for granted.

Sheppard clapped him on the shoulder.

"Great. Meet me in the Jumper Bay in twenty minutes."

Rodney listened to the door slide closed behind him before he closed his eyes and breathed in fresh, salty sea air.

_He would never be able to say no to John Sheppard again_, he thought to himself.

* * *

The mainland was a beautiful place, if one had the time to spend exploring it. As they flew over the land towards the Athosian settlement, Rodney was witness to wide open planes, interspersed by forests, rivers and lakes. Steep mountains rose out of the ground, majestic in their height and expanse. Where the land met the sea long beaches of fine yellow beaches stretched on for miles.

It was obvious why the Athosians were so enchanted by the rich, lush land; Rodney found himself wishing he had the time to spend exploring, and while he'd never been much of an outdoor type of person, he could appreciate the beauty when he saw it.

"It's quite something, isn't it?" Sheppard said, as he took in the scenery.

Rodney nodded his agreement, his vision filled with endless greenery and bright sunlight.

"Okay, I'm taking her down." Sheppard said a moment later as he flipped some of the controls on the panel before him, but Rodney wasn't paying attention.

Instead, his attention was focused on the encampment before them. It was larger than the group had been the last time he had seen it. New tents had been erected, and there was work being done on a new well and water delivery system. He supposed that Radek had finally put those plans into place and gotten a team of scientists out to show the Athosians how it worked. The forest of tents was located on a small field close to a sheltered bay and shielded from the worse of bad weather by the surrounding trees. It was a perfect place to make a living, plenty of room for children to play and swim, and open spaces for recreation and meetings for the adults.

As Sheppard landed the jumper, a group of people approached and several small bodies hurtled out in the front.

"Looks like the welcoming party has arrived," Sheppard grinned at him as he powered down the jumper. Rodney, being new to the whole deal, simply followed Sheppard as he lowered the ramp and greeted those waiting for them.

The children instantly swarmed around Sheppard who laughed and held up his hands.

"Where is it?" one small, blonde haired child asked cheekily, bouncing up and down.

"Where's what?" Sheppard retaliated with an innocent smile, only to have a chorus break out from the rest of the children.

"Okay okay, here," Sheppard relented, handing over a small package. "Share!" He called after them as they moved away, huddled around the small bag. The blonde girl had delved into the bag and was busy handing out bars of chocolate.

Once the children were occupied with their treats, the adults moved forward, Teyla amongst them.

"Welcome Colonel Sheppard," Halling tipped his head. "It is good to see you once more."

"Same to you Halling. I trust Teyla's brought you up to date on recent events?" Sheppard asked.

"Indeed she has, Colonel. Doctor Mckay, it is good to see you returned to us once more."

"It's good to be back," Rodney managed. He had never been comfortable with Halling; too much spirituality and morality for his tastes. Teyla, on the other hand, was a different story entirely.

"We've brought the supplies you requested," Sheppard picked up smoothly, gesturing to the crates and boxes loaded in the back of the jumper.

"Of course. You have our thanks," Halling smiled at them both. "Doctor Keller is arriving tomorrow morning, I believe?"

"From what I understand, she is."

"Perhaps you would like a cup of Athosian tea, Colonel, Rodney?" Teyla offered. "I know that there are some things you have been asked to look at Colonel."

"Sam gave me a list," Sheppard replied with a grimace.

"Come this way. We will see if we can eliminate a few," She smiled at them.

Rodney followed silently, slipping past Halling and the men who started to unload the boxes. As they walked through the knee length grass towards the settlement, Rodney kept half an ear on Teyla and Sheppard's conversation as he looked around.

The air was cold and fresh, but the sun was warm on his face. It was rather nostalgic, walking towards the encampment and it reminded him of the countless missions they had been on and the different worlds, with new cultures and technologies to explore and learn about. He couldn't wait to get back out there again, to engage his mind once more. It had been a long time since he had to puzzle something out, to use his knowledge to figure out how a piece of technology worked.

Of course, the Athosian's lived a more simple life that should have bored Rodney with their lack of technology, but there was something about the simplicity of their lifestyle that appealed to him. They were certain in their knowledge of how things worked. They didn't need to worry about a piece of equipment failing to work when they needed it most; instead, they relied on themselves and each other to survive. It was their greatest strength, their straightforward lifestyle. They did what they needed to survive and they were happy with what they had. If only it was so simple for the rest of them.

They made their own space in the world, and they adapted when necessary, Rodney thought to as the group of laughing children raced past them with chocolate smeared across their faces. It was as simple as they. Adapting. If they lost someone, they mourned them, but didn't let the grief hold them back. They honored their dead and moved on. Perhaps that was Sheppard's weakness; he didn't let go of anything

Rodney spent the next hour or so listening and watching Sheppard as he was shown the improvements that were being made. He watched the obvious pride on Teyla's face as she talked about her people, or introduced them to new people.

After awhile though, Rodney separated from them and went off by himself. At first he just wandered amongst the tents and camp fires. The Athosians he passed watched him, and while they were not unfriendly, they left him to his own devices.

Eventually, he found himself standing on the beach over looking the waters of Lantea. The sun was low in the sky as it was late afternoon, and he became mesmerized by the play of light on the waves. An ocean breeze brought with it the smell of salt, and the gentle waves breaking on the shore were a lullaby that he hadn't heard in many years.

It brought back memories of going to the beach with Jeannie on school holidays. Of course, at first he'd be dragged from his home complaining and protesting, but once he arrived at their seaside destination, the sight of all that golden sand and blue water was too tempting. While his parents were off getting massages, spending the days at restaurants and saunas, alternately arguing and avoiding each other, he and Jeannie would race down the sand to the water.

Sometimes, he'd stand in the shallows and just let the waves break around his feet, lost in the motion of the waves around him while Jeannie sang to herself and made sand castles. Other times he'd swim with Jeannie, not going too deep and keeping an eye on his sister, because there was no one else to do so. But it those memories were true and clear, and amongst the happiest he could remember, with the sun high and hot in the sky and the salty air tugging at his clothes and hair.

But the best times he could remember with his family was when he and Jeannie would sneak out before dawn to go to the beach and watch the sun rise and the colors bloom across the horizon. There were times when he missed earth terribly, and one of the things he thought about most when he did was Jeannie. He wondered how she was, how fast his niece was growing, if Jeannie was still as madly in love with Caleb as she had been when they'd met.

Rodney ducked his head and closed his eyes for a long moment before sitting down on the sand, tugging off his boots and rolling up his pants.

Walking down the water with the warm sand underneath his feet made him feel more alive. As if the rough, grainy sand proved to him yet again that he wasn't stuck in some hopeless dream unable to reach Atlantis or the people that mattered to him.

The cold water washed around his ankles and for a long time, he watched the waves break around his pale feet.

The meeting had taken a lot out of him, but having Sheppard there had made it that little bit more bearable. He felt safe when Sheppard was around, like he could just hand the reins over to him and know that Sheppard would make sure he was alright.

But it couldn't always be like that, he knew. He needed to start learning to function on his own again, to find his own feet. It was time to pick a direction and go with it. Things were slowly shifting into perspective for the first time in his life, and while there were so many doubts lingering in his mind, and anger griping him tightly, he knew he'd be alright. It would take time and it would undoubtedly be hard, but it was something he needed to do. There was a lot he needed to learn about himself first though, and while sadness and anger were the only things he was capable of feeling presently, he knew they would subside, though sometimes it didn't feel that way.

Rodney breathed the salty air deeply once more and exhaled slowly, feeling better than he had in days. His toes were getting wrinkles, and his hair was ruffled but he felt like he could breathe again and he was glad that he had taken Sheppard up on his offer.

"Hey."

He looked over his shoulder to see Teyla walking down the sand towards him. She was wearing her Athosian clothing, long pants and a singlet like top baring her midriff and arms. And her feet were bare. He had heard the Athosians went barefoot when they needed to feel closer to the earth that sustained them. Once, he would have dismissed such a notion as foolish and a waste of time, not to mention unsanitary, but he was beginning to understand why.

"I hope I am not disturbing you, Rodney," Teyla greeted him as she came to stand beside him. Another wave washed over their feet but he kept his gaze on the horizon and the setting sun. She was, but it didn't bother him. While he felt Sheppard understood him better than anyone, he had built a solid connection with the Athosian woman and had a basic understanding of how she worked. She carried herself with dignity, and was always honorable and respectful towards everyone she met no matter how abrasive or rude. He'd always admired that about her, and he respected her immensely.

"Colonel Sheppard was worried about you," she said eventually. "He sent me to find you."

"I thought he might," he said tiredly. Despite all the time that had passed he still tired easily, and he hadn't realized that he was so tired. "I'm sorry for dragging you out here. He probably wants to head back to Atlantis, hm?"

"On the contrary Rodney, I believe he intends to spend the night on the mainland and head back in the morning," Teyla smiled at him. "Tonight the Athosians are having a feast to welcome in the first day of Autumn, I believe you call it. Colonel Sheppard and you have been invited to attend."

"Autumn, huh?" Rodney contemplated the wrinkled skin of his toes. "Seems like a funny time of year to welcome. The coming of winter and all that."

"Autumn is a wonderful time of year Rodney. There is much beauty to be found," she replied simply, smiling as she looked at over the ocean. "This land is much more beautiful than Old Athos. My people are very grateful for this new home."

"It is beautiful here."

"I heard Elizabeth say that it reminds you of Earth, doesn't it? Colonel Sheppard said it reminded him as well."

"It is very similar," Rodney agreed quietly. "But very different at the same time."

"Do you miss your world?" Teyla asked looking at him at last, her brown eyes searching his face for something he couldn't pin point.

"This is my home now," he replied finally. "That's all that matters."

They stood side by side for a time, watching as the sun finally sunk below the horizon and painted the sky with deep oranges and purples. The stars were brighter than on Earth too, and it fairly took Rodney's breath away, looking up at the beautiful patterns and bands of stars above them. He tilted his head back to look at them better.

"We'd better go back. The feast will be starting soon," Teyla told him gently, looping her arm through his.

He nodded his agreement and together they turned and started back up the sand.

Sheppard met them at the edge of the encampment, minus his tack vest and his weapons. Rodney tried not to stare at his lanky form waiting on the rise before them. He had never really taken any notice of just how tall the man was before and it disturbed him slightly that he suddenly did. In fact, there was a lot about John that he was only just noticing; the clear hazel of his eyes, the sincerity on his face when he talked. The slight tilting of his mouth in amusement when he talked, the crinkling of the skin at the corner of his eyes.

Rodney had learned to read body language instinctively it had seemed and it wasn't hard to read Sheppard's.

"There you are. They're starting," he smiled at them, his eyes flickering briefly to Rodney before he turned around and they all walked together towards the bright glow on two bonfires and the sound of people laughing and talking. Faint music carried in the cold night air and Rodney looked at the ground as he swung his boots in one hand. Beneath his feet, the grass was cold with dew already, and never had anything felt so good on a pair of tired feet.

"So Halling offered me and Rodney a tent for the night. We're planning on flying out first thing in the morning," John told Teyla. "Will that be enough time for you or..."

"It'll be fine, John. I'm sure you'll find your accommodations quite comfortable." Teyla replied with a smile.

"Won't be the first time we've had to bunk down together will it Rodney?" John asked him over Teyla's head with a twinkle in his eyes.

Rodney couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face as he remembered long nights of Sheppard complaining, good naturedly about Rodney's snoring, or his constant talking. Many conversations about which superhero was the best, and which movies were the classics had taken place in many different lodgings and a mortifying number of holding cells.  
"No, it won't," he agreed, secretly pleased that they would be sharing. It signified a return to normality between the two. He wondered what they'd talk about after all the time apart they had spent.

But then they had reached the sight of the feast and Rodney's sentimentality was forgotten as he got lost in the whirl of activity. Great offerings of steaming hot meat and fresh vegetables, along with an especially strong Athosian spirit were abundant. The Athosians themselves were busy in conversation, some laughing around the bonfires other dancing to the merry music produced by a rough looking bunch of Athosian men who were surprisingly good.

Rodney laughed along with the rest as John attempted a traditional jig with one of the young Athosian women, whereas Teyla shook her head with a fond smile at John's slaughtering of an old traditional dance. Eventually, she took over and within half an hour John was almost as good as the rest.

Rodney sat on a log towards the edge of all the activity where he could watch everyone. He cradled a cup of warm spirit in his hands, his stomach full and satisfied by the large meal he had consumed. It was, he realized, the most content he had felt for a long time, and a weary sort of peace settled over his shoulders, bringing with it a strange melancholy. He wasn't sad just...wistful and wondering how, in all the years he had been alive, he had missed finding the sort of companionship these people had found with each other. It was something special, something to be treasured, and as he watched it all, with the children running around and weaving around the adults as they chased one another, it touched a place deep within him and warmed it, ever so slightly.

Rodney was jostled by a warm body hurling itself at his feet. He looked down in surprise to see a little girl with big blue eyes and curly brown hair staring up at him from the ground.

"You're from 'lantis," she stated solemnly.

She couldn't have been more than six or seven, and Rodney found himself instantly endeared by the slight lisp in her speech and the dirt smudged across one cheek and her forehead.

"Yes I am," he replied.

"I'm Sia. What's your name?"

"Rodney. Pleased to meet you." He held out his hand and she grasped it, giggling when he shook it.

"Are you Colonel Sheppard's friend?"

Rodney pursed his lips and looked across the fires to where John was sitting listening in on a story telling by one of the Athosian men, with a slight smile on his face.

"Yeah, we're friends," he answered slowly before shaking himself and looking down at the little girl. "Isn't it late for you to be up? Shouldn't you be in a bed somewhere?"

"Not tonight. Tonight's a feast night, silly," she said, as if stating the obvious. "We all get to stay up late."

He smiled at the proud note in her voice. Her blue eyes were sparkling in a way that reminded him of Jeannie when she was young. And those curls, almost exactly the same except for the color, and it made his heart ache for his sister and all the things that had gone wrong between them.

Still, he smiled at the girl. "Of course. How foolish of me."

Sia giggled and tried to muffle it with her small hands.

"You're funny," she told him.

"Well, so are you," he replied, a little miffed by her statement but amused at the same time.

"Are you going to be staying long?" she asked her eyes bright and curious. "People used to visit us at our old home, but we don't get visitors much now."

Rodney tried to ignore the spark of guilt her words caused him and took a drink from his cup. It was probably an unwise idea for him to drink any more; he'd already had enough for one night, and besides, he didn't want to turn into some kind of blubbering wreck when he had to share a tent with John that night. Not only would it not be appreciated, but John had been appointed his official guardian for the time being, and it wouldn't bode well for him to go pouring out his fears and doubts in a moment of drunken stupidity.

"I'm staying for the night, but I have to go back to Atlantis tomorrow morning," he told her. When her face fell he hurried to reassure her. "But I'm sure I can come back and see you sometime."

"Really? Can we be friends then? My mum always says that it's important to make new friends," she informed him seriously. "Please?"

Rodney found that he didn't have the heart to turn down her request, not with those puppy dog eyes and that pout.

"Sure. We can be friends." he agreed readily.

"Thanks!" She explained brightly before leaping to her feet and throwing her arms around his neck. After a moment of surprise, Rodney hugged her back with one arm, touched.

"I have to go now. Dad told me not to go too far. He'll be wondering where I am," she pulled back and starting to run away again before turning back to him, silhouetted in the fire light. "You'll come back and visit me right? We are friends after all, and mum says that's what friends do."

"I will. As soon as I can," he promised, wondering if he'd ever be able to keep such a promise. But on second thought, he wanted to come back to that beach sometime. It would be refreshing and a nice change of scenery.

"Bye!" she called as she disappeared in the crowd.

Rodney stared after her for a long moment before looking down into his empty cup and a small smile quirked his mouth. Unexpected as it had been, the encounter had left him wondering.

"Making new friends, I hear," Sheppard said as he came to stand before Rodney.

He looked up into his friend's eyes and managed a smile for a change.

"It seems so. Having fun?"

"Hmmmm. They're certainly a lively bunch," Sheppard smiled down at him, his eyes warm and his tousled hair even messier than it usually was. He smelled of fresh sweat and spice, and of the cool night air and Rodney breathed him in unintentionally, thinking that he smelled wonderful.

"I'm going to head back. I'm kinda tired. Want to come with?"

"All that dancing wore you out, huh?" Rodney asked as he set down his cup and stood up.

"It would seem so. It's funny that I can face down the Wraith on a fairly regular basis and not feel as tired as I do now," John said conversationally as they started to walk back towards the encampment.

"Ironic, really, when you think about it," Rodney commented as they walked across the dew damp field. Now that they were away from the fire light, the stars were brighter. They fell into a companionable silence as they walked. Rodney was happy to just follow Sheppard as he started to really feel just how tired he was.

Their tent was on the furthest side of the camp. It seemed that they weren't the only ones turning in for the night. Small groups of Athosian's were gathered around small cooking fires, and lights came from within several of the tents they passed.

"It's very different from Atlantis isn't it?" Sheppard said rhetorically, stopping in front of a tent that had a blue and silver decoration hanging on the outside. He held the flap open for Rodney then followed him inside, fastening the tent in some way Rodney didn't see.

Inside was larger than he had expected, lit by candles hanging from the poles. Two large pallet style beds were made up for them, covered in thick blankets and throw pillows in lush, dark colors. A small, low table stood at the far end of the tent and on it was placed two cups, a pitcher of water and a small basin. For washing, Rodney guessed.

It looked comfortable enough, and Rodney was really too tired to find fault with any of it. Instead, he undid his jacket and shrugged out of it, placing it together with his boots at the foot of his bed. He hesitated for a moment before deciding not to take off his shirt as Sheppard was. The scar was obvious and he knew that it would only upset Sheppard and make him feel uncomfortable, so he left it on.

Across from him, Sheppard had stripped down to his boxers, and Rodney quickly averted his eyes from all that golden skin and muscle. He quickly shucked his trousers off and slipped under the warm, soft blankets.

Surprisingly, he couldn't feel the hard ground underneath his mattress of thick blankets and he was warm and sleepy already.

He was partly aware of Sheppard blowing out the candles before getting into his own bed. All of this had been done in silence, but as Rodney slipped off to sleep he felt the need to say something.

"I'm glad I came here," he mumbled out loud. "Thanks for asking me."

"It was my pleasure, Rodney," came the reply out of the darkness. "No trouble at all."

Closing his eyes, Rodney slipped off into a dreamless sleep, feeling safe and knowing that he wasn't alone.

* * *

Rodney woke up slowly the next morning, awareness coming to him in bits and pieces. It was way too early to be awake, he realized as soon as he was fully alert, and it was still dark outside. There was no movement about the camp, and the only noise was the sounds of the nocturnal animals that were still awake. Beyond that came the faint noise of the ocean, and Rodney thought to himself how much he had missed that sound. At night in Atlantis if he left his balcony doors open he could always hear the sound of the ocean breaking against the great foundations of the city.

He was too comfortable and warm to make any effort to move. The blankets were heavy and warm, the pillows plump and soft, and he felt rested and refreshed.

Rodney turned his head towards Sheppard and found the man lying on his side facing towards him. One arm was tucked beneath his head, the other lying on top of the blankets. His face was relaxed in sleep, his breathing even and quiet.

He looked younger when he was asleep, and more carefree, as if the weight he carried around each day was long forgotten as he lost himself in dreams.

Rodney wondered what a man like Sheppard dreamed about; probably beautiful women and bachelor pads, air planes and flying.

Rodney smiled to himself as he thought about that. It must be nice, having such a passion and love for flying as Sheppard had. He could see the appeal in it, even if it scared him something fierce. But Sheppard had always liked things that went fast and Rodney hadn't ever imagined making friends with such a person.

The truth of it was that Rodney and John probably never would have been friends on earth. The only reason that they were was probably because they were stuck together in a place that was far from anything either one of them had known. They had to make do with what they had, and that was probably what John had been doing when he had befriended him.

Still, that didn't dull his admiration for the man in the slightest. Sheppard was the kind of person that people liked instantly; he attracted people with his charming smile and his easy manner, and Rodney wasn't an exception to the rule.

Ever since he had returned, his admiration had increased ten fold, and he had been noticing things about the man that he shouldn't have been. It made him uneasy, because he didn't need any more complications in his life, and that was what it was swiftly developing into. Another complication, more emotions that needed to be either dealt with or ignored, and Rodney could only deal with so much before he had some kind of melt down.

It wasn't long before Sheppard himself stirred and woke up.

"Morning," he mumbled as he stretched, his voice thick and rough with sleep.

"Hey."

"Wow. That Athosian drink sure has a hell of a kick," John muttered as he sat up.

Rodney kept his gaze focused resolutely on the ceiling, even though he could see out of the corner of his eye the way the blankets fell to Sheppard's hips and revealed his chest in ways that shouldn't interest him.

"You're telling me," he replied.

"Guess we'd better get up. It's time to get moving," John groused, stretching once more before tossing back the covers.

It took them less time to get ready than he would have expected. An hour after everyone was awake and breakfasting, they were loaded in the Jumper and taking off. Sheppard flashing him a dazzling smile as they soared smoothly up from the tree line and into the sky, and Rodney tried not to think about the warm fluttering deep in his belly.

TBC


	4. Don't Wait Up For Me

Chapter Three

Please see prologue for full disclaimer

--

**Chapter Three**: _Don't Wait Up For Me_

_All of my life, I've been saying sorry_

_For the things I know I should have done_

_All the things I could have said come back to me_

_Sometimes I wish that it had just begun_

_Seems I'm always that little too late_

_All of my life_

_- Phil Collins, All My Life_

The week passed by uneventfully. Rodney kept waiting for something to happen but predictably nothing did. He was warmly welcomed back into the science labs, which was completely unexpected but something he appreciated nonetheless. What did come as a surprise though, was that he settled into his dictated routine for the week without too many obvious problems.

He worked the required six hours each day, losing himself in a pile of ancient artifacts still waiting to be pulled apart and examined. He ate three solid meals every day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. Sheppard turned up at the same time to accompany him to lunch. After lunch it's back to the labs to absorb himself in the continuous problems an old city like Atlantis produces. The rest of each afternoon is spent training with Teyla in the exercise rooms.

He has an hour before dinner each night to himself. Usually, he takes long showers, blistering hot and pounding down hard during which he tries his best not to think about anything. By the time he emerges, his skin is lobster red and almost too warm to bear. After dinner, Sheppard usually drags him out to join some of the after hours activities that had been set up in his absence. Once they took part in a game of basket ball. Another night it was roller hockey, and another a poker game involving the exchange of personal items in the place of gambling chips.

After everyone retreated to their rooms for the night, Rodney walks to keep his thoughts at bay. He'd walk all the way out to the end of one of the piers, enjoying the fresh, cold air and the silence. Then he'd stand at the edge of Atlantis and just look at the moons and the water, and wonder when something would change. He still felt as if he was missing something, as if he had a limb amputated but still felt the ghost of it there with him.

That night had been movie night. There had been a good turn out, at least twenty people, and Rodney couldn't remember what they'd watched, but it had been something funny. He hadn't been paying much attention. He'd been squashed on a small couch, with Teyla on one end and himself on the other and Sheppard sprawled out loose-limbed between them. Ronon had been sitting on the floor and leaning against the arm closest to Teyla.

All he had been able concentrate on was the warmth of Sheppard pressed against his side, and the sound of his laughter. At one point during the movie, Sheppard had slid his arms along the back of the couch and Rodney had shivered when he felt the heat of his skin.

Needless to say he hadn't really enjoyed himself. Everyone else around him had been involved in the movie, and he had been miserably contemplating this strange turn in his feelings for Sheppard. The sound of their laughter had been grating on his nerves, and as soon as the movie had ended Rodney had made his timely escape.

His usual nightly walk hadn't proved to be any help at all.

So he was getting ready for bed, dressed in a pair of ratty old track pants, an equally ratty shirt and an old hoodie. He was fully prepared to just collapse in bed and try to forget everything, because he really was tired and in need of some peace. It wasn't too hard to admit that the depression he had fallen into had him stuck. He wanted to move forward, but he didn't know how to. His sessions with Heightmire had helped him sort things out a little, and she had urged him to take things one day at a time and to give himself the space and time he needed to get his feet back underneath him. Thankfully, she hadn't started probing into his feelings yet, something for which he was immensely grateful. He wasn't ready to start dealing with that particular mess just yet.

The almost pleasant sound of his door chime ringing startled him, but he granted entrance immediately. There weren't many people who would visit him this late at night, and the few who would he considered to be friends.

It turned out to be John Sheppard stepping through his doorway.

"Hey. You got a minute?" Sheppard asked as he looked around the room.

"Sure," Rodney said uneasily. He waved John to a chair and sat opposite him, picking at a ragged hole in the knee of his trousers. "What did you want to talk about?"

John took a seat on one of the cream colored chairs and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees.

"You," he replied.

"Me?" Rodney jerked his head up to look at him in surprise before looking away and swallowing. "What about me?"

"You haven't been talking much," John stated quietly. "I'm worried about you."

Rodney frowned as he resumed picking at the hole again.

"You don't need to. I'm fine."

"I knew you'd say that, but I think we both know that's not the truth. You've been too quiet." John paused for a moment, an unhappy frown on his face. "I can't imagine how hard it is to try and move on from this, and I know you're struggling. I need to know if you think you're ready to start off world missions again. I want you back on the team again Rodney, but I don't want to ask Colonel Carter for that if you're not ready. If you need more time..."

"No. It's okay," Rodney broke in quickly. He sighed, feeling exhausted, and rubbed his eyes. "Heightmire was right. If I had time off, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'd go...I'd like to start going off world again. I've been sticking to the schedule..."

"I know you have and you've been doing well. I just want to make sure that you're going to keep doing well and not get bogged down by all of this while we're on a mission," John said. "I'm willing to give you time to sort yourself out of this mess. But I want your word that you're not going to endanger yourself or any member of the team by losing it while we're off world. I can't risk that, Rodney."

"I understand. I wouldn't do anything that risks someone's life." Rodney said steadily.

"Good. That's all I needed to hear." John sat back in his chair and looked around. "I see you haven't started unpacking yet."

Rodney glanced at the boxes he'd pushed back against the walls, and into the empty room and shrugged.

"I haven't really had the time. Well, that and I don't really know where to start."

"Understandable." John nodded.

They fell into an uneasy silence. Rodney was just working up the courage to ask what he had been thinking about for days. In the end he got up and walked to the window.

"What...what did they tell Jeannie?" he asked, his voice hoarser than he would have liked.

In the window, he watched as John lowered his head.

"They told her you were MIA and presumed dead," he said softly. Rodney had to listen hard to hear him. "I went and visited her."

"And? How was she?"

Rodney wanted to see her again, but he wasn't sure what he would say. He'd been thinking about writing to her, but whenever he tried to put pen to paper, he couldn't think about anything to write.

"She didn't take it too well," John admitted. "She threw me out actually. But she found out where I was staying and came and apologized."

Rodney couldn't help the smile that broke out. It was exactly what he'd imagined she would do. He hoped she hadn't cried too much for him, but maybe that was just him being selfish.

"Typical."

"She's got quite the temper, let me tell you that," John said ruefully. "You two are very much alike, you know."

"Don't say that," Rodney snapped. "We're nothing alike."

"What makes you say that?" John asked calmly, watching in now with one arm draped over the back of his seat and his legs crossed at the ankle.

"Because she's...she's a better person than I am. Always has been. When she was a kid..." Rodney broke off, biting back what he really wanted to say. "Maybe you should go."

John stood up, and for a moment Rodney thought he was actually going to leave. But he didn't. Instead, he walked over to where he stood and put a hand on his shoulder. Rodney tried to flinch away but John's hand just tightened on his shoulder.

"Just...leave me alone," Rodney gasped, wrenching away and backing up.

"Rodney..."

"You don't understand. You'll never understand...I just need...Just leave me alone!" Rodney managed through the tears that blurred his vision.

"Is that what you really want? To be alone?" John asked, watching him with those sharp eyes of his. Rodney's back hit the wall and he slid down it just as the tears started to fall.

"I don't know what to do anymore..." Rodney gasped. "There's all these...thoughts in my head and I can't...I don't know anything anymore."

John walked over to where he was collapsed in a miserable wreck of a heap and sat down next to him.

"I know."

That was enough of an admission to break him. The tears couldn't be stopped now. Rodney covered his face with shame, wishing he could just curl up and die as his shoulders began to shake.

"Hey. It's okay," John whispered as he pulled Rodney close and wrapped strong arms around him. "Just let it go, Rodney. I won't tell a soul. You're safe now."

Rodney dissolved in frustrated, angry tears, and all he could do was burrow his face into the chest of his closest friend. All the fear and pain and anger poured out in the form of harsh sobbing which he couldn't believe he was capable of. But John's arms were real and solid around him, a hand on his neck and a chin resting gently on his head were the only things Rodney was aware of.

And it felt good to cry and to be held for once. It was so rare for Rodney to be the one to break down. He'd never had the chance when he was young, not with parents too consumed with their own fighting to take any notice. He'd always been Jeannie's comfort provider, and he'd always felt that crying would make him weak and disappoint those around him.

But John would never judge him. A man who had seen it all and had the strength to face his demons still had the ability to be compassionate, and Rodney let go of all his pretensions.

Eventually, the tears started to dry up and Rodney started to calm. Beneath his ear he listened to the steady beating of John's heart and the rise of fall of his chest as he breathed. He felt warm and safe and sleepy but he didn't want to move and John didn't seem to mind.

The hand John had on his neck moved, the fingers twining themselves briefly in the hair at the nape of his neck before releasing and stroking the hair flat again. There was a deep exhale that ruffled Rodney's hair and he shifted a little, lifting his cheek from John's chest and leaning his forehead there instead. There was that warm, spicy scent that was uniquely John again, and he took a deep breath and exhaled shakily, feeling lighter than he had felt all week. His mind felt clear and unburdened for a change.

"Feel better?" John asked, and he nodded silently in response.

"Good. How about you get some rest? I'll come and get you in the morning for breakfast before the briefing."

"Okay," Rodney whispered, still not wanting to move.

John gently pushed him upright then helped him to his feet. He allowed himself to be led over to the bed and guided down onto the mattress. His eyes were closed before his head hit the pillow. John pulled the covers up over him as he started drifting to sleep, and he felt a hand touch his hair before he fell asleep.

* * *

Rodney stared at the active Stargate with a mixture of apprehension and excitement. The last time he had stepped through the bright blue event horizon it had been the beginning of a six month ordeal that he had no wish to repeat.

The mission was a simple meet and greet with a settlement that had long been friends and allies with the Athosians. Sheppard had assured him that it would be straight forward and hassle free, and Rodney had decided to trust his judgment. Besides, both he and Teyla were confident, and that was enough for him.

It felt a little surreal to have his pack strapped to his back once more, and his tack vest snug around his torso. The P-90 in his hands gave him some measure of security, but there was no telling what could happen out in the field, and Rodney for once, felt optimistic that this would help him. It was a step forward in the right direction and it felt _right_.

Ronon was fiddling with his gun a little way away and Teyla was beside him checking something in her pack as Rodney studied the gate. He had forgotten how beautiful the gate was, and all the possibilities that were behind its shining light.

"Okay guys. All set to go?"

Rodney turned to see Sheppard descending down the main staircase, decked out in his usual mission gear, and holding his gun like it was an old friend. And there it was again, that warm fluttering sensation in his stomach that had strengthened since that night three days ago. Rodney wanted to question it, to be afraid of it, but he just couldn't any longer.

John smiled at him before standing next to him.

"Okay?" he asked Rodney quietly.

"I think so," he nodded in response. "It feels..."

"Scary?" John supplied, raising an eyebrow and smiling.

"I was going to say...reminiscent," Rodney replied wryly. "But that too."

Sheppard grinned and patted him on the shoulder before stepping forward.

"Let's get this over with, shall we?" he asked them. "If we get this done in time we can watch the next round of the foosball tournament."

Rodney watched as first Ronon stepped through, followed by Sheppard and Teyla, who had a fond, exasperated smile on her face. He glanced behind him to see Sam watching him from the balcony above.

"Good luck, Rodney," she called. "Be safe."

"Thanks," he murmured as he stepped through into the cold of the Stargate.

Much to Rodney's relief, the mission went as planned and they returned that evening. He'd hung back, reacquainting himself with Teyla's diplomatic skills, and Sheppard's leadership. Ronon remained as prickly and uninterested as he always had, and Rodney finally started to feel normal once more.

When they returned through the gate, satisfied with a mission gone right for once, they sat through a quick and simple debriefing before separating for the night, with promises to meet for breakfast.

Rodney dumped his pack on the floor next to his bed and collapsed on the bed to stare at the ceiling. Things were starting to go well, and the world was finally starting to right itself once more. A slow smile started to form on his face. Maybe it was time to start writing that letter to Jeannie.

* * *

"You know he's been as grumpy as a bear since you've been gone," Ronon said unexpectedly the next day.

They were once more walking through the field on P3X- 865 on their way towards the village they had visited the previous day. The leaders had agreed to negotiate a trade and arms deal with the city of Atlantis, and Sam had decided to send their team in again seeing as they were familiar and friendly faces.

Rodney didn't mind. The sun was warm on his face and the air was fresh and he could use the chance to stretch his legs. He'd spent the morning working in the labs on that pile of artifacts that didn't seem to be getting any smaller, and trying to ignore the incompetence of the younger scientists, but it wasn't easy. He found that it wouldn't be difficult to revert to the old Mckay, snapping and snarling from all the pressure and lack of sleep. He had to constantly rein his temper in and bite his tongue every time he was interrupted with stupid questions about the simplest things.

Doctor Heightmire was encouraging his efforts to try and be nicer to people, and while at times it seemed redundant and a waste of time, he could see her point. It wasn't easy though, and he found himself falling back into his old habits.

Rodney shook his head to clear it of his musings and focused once more on Ronon.

"Who?"

"Who'd you think?" Ronon asked in his 'what are you, stupid' voice. "Sheppard."

The Satedan nodded towards the subject of their conversation, who was walking up ahead with Teyla and the young woman acting of their guide. Rodney felt a flash of irritability and jealousy at the way John was smiling at her, then berated himself for being so petty. It wasn't as if John did it on purpose. Every time they went to new worlds and met new people, the charm came on automatically, and usually every woman he talked to fell under his spell and became infatuated. Rodney suspected that it always threw John whenever one of them made a move on him, as if he had no idea why they were doing so. He supposed it was inevitable, really. After all, no one could be that good looking and expect for there to be no consequences.

"And why's that?" Rodney asked distractedly, trying not to think about the way John's ass looked in those BDU's, or how tall he looked next to the two women walking with him. Instead, he averted his eyes and watched where he was putting his feet.

"Don't be daft, Mckay. I think we both know what I'm talking about," Ronon replied, rolling his neck and shrugging his shoulders in an attempt to limber up.

Rodney frowned, not sure he liked where this conversation was going.

"I uh...What?"

"Seriously, I know you might be close friends and all, but_ I_ know there's something more going on between the two of you. I'm not blind, though I suspect he is sometimes." Ronon speculated, his eyes narrowing.

Rodney looked up at his rough, dreadlocked friend beside him and stared, honestly not knowing how to respond. Ronon gripped his arm and steered him around a half hidden rock in the ground before releasing him once more.

"The real question is," he continued. "What are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rodney muttered sullenly. Though he was only just starting to understand how he was feeling towards their team leader, he seriously doubted that Sheppard felt the same. The man was just being kind to him, supporting the weakest link in his team in order to keep them together and functioning. It made sense really, and if he'd been in Sheppard's shoes then he would have been doing the same.

"Drop the act Mckay," Ronon grumbled, scratching his arm. "The secret's out."

The village came into view, and Rodney had never been more relieved. His relief lessened when he saw the size of the welcoming committee, but even that was better than enduring what Ronon was saying to him.

"Look, I'm not saying this to piss you off," Ronon said to him as they drew closer to Sheppard and Teyla and their guide. "Just think about it, okay? All I'm saying is that I don't think it's as one sided as you think. Teyla agrees."

Rodney's jaw dropped and he stumbled to a halt, watching the large man as he ambled on behind Sheppard.

"You...what...Hey!"

He jogged to catch up and jostled Ronon's elbow as they rejoined the group.

"Whatever it is you think you know it's not true, okay? Just drop it! Nothing's going to happen to put either of you in danger so you don't need to worry about it, okay?" Rodney hissed. "And stop talking about me with Teyla."

"Whatever you say, Mckay." Ronon replied with a grin on his face.

Rodney huffed, earning curious looks from both Sheppard and Teyla. He muttered sullenly under his breath as he dug out his scanner. There were no signs of any kind of a power source, which wasn't really surprising, considering it was a small farming community. Still, their ancestors had once been associated with the Ancients, evidenced by some ruins lying several miles away in the foot hills, so anything was possible really.

As Rodney pressed buttons on the scanner and adjusted it's settings to see if he'd missed anything, he thought about what Ronon had said. The man could be infuriating at times, speaking in riddles that he rarely understood. Both Sheppard and Teyla seemed to understand what he meant though, which only frustrated Rodney further. The only way he'd ever been able to relate to the man was through their love of food.

"Rodney," Sheppard was speaking to him, amusement in his voice. He looked up in surprise and saw that Teyla and Ronon had moved away with the villagers. "You were a million miles away."

"Sorry. I was thinking," he muttered as he tucked the scanner away. _About stupid Satedan's who need to mind their own business._

"Well, keep your thinking cap on because the villagers have agreed to let us look around those ruins we found before. Teyla and Ronon are going to stay here to start negotiating the trade deals while we go and check it out," John told him. "We only have a few hours though, because they're saying there's a storm on the way."

"What?" Rodney looked up at the sky. "How can they say that? There's not a cloud in the sky."

"Hey, don't ask me," John shrugged as they started walking side by side through the knee length grass towards the trees. "They're the one's who live here. Teyla seems to agree with them. Must be a spidey sense thing."

"Or it could be because they spend so much time outside getting their hands dirty," Rodney murmured as he looked around. It seemed like more of a dryer continent that the one the Athosians currently occupied, but then, Rodney had never been much of a meteorologist.

"Or it could be that," John agreed as they reached the tree line and started the slow trek up the gently sloping path. "So listen. I wanted you to know that I checked in on Jeannie a month or so ago when I was back on earth."

"You...You did? Why were you on earth?" Rodney asked, confused by this sudden revelation. He scrambled over a fallen log, following John as he led the way through a rocky incline.

There was a long silence on John's part, and Rodney was about to ask his question again when John paused briefly.

"My father died. I went back for the funeral and wanted to see how she was doing," he finally said before continuing on.

"Oh." Rodney frowned as he watched his footing. "I'm sorry. Were you close?"

"No, not really. Anyway, it's all in the past now. Nothing I can do to change it," came John's reply from behind a tree. Rodney jogged a little to catch up so they were walking side by side.

"I suppose that's one way to look at it. Still, it must be hard."

John's mouth hardened a little as he scanned their surroundings. It wasn't unusual for John to slip into protector mood whenever they were off on a little jaunt, even if there was no imminent danger. Rodney was used to it, and let the pauses and lapses in conversation pass him by wihtou comment.

"We hadn't really talked in a long time. My parents and I never really got along very well," John admitted. "Our relationship was rocky at best. But I did see my brother again."

"What about him? Do you get along well?"

John chuckled ruefully. "Didn't get along well with him for a few years, but we're getting better now."

"Well, that's something at least," Rodney said thoughtfully, thinking of Jeannie and how they hadn't talked in four years.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

They walked for a few minutes in silence, pausing when John helped Rodney up through another little incline of rocks. It was odd that the path wound its way through the rocks rather than around them, but he supposed it was the most direct way.

"I was the same with my parents," Rodney said as John released his arm and they kept climbing up the gentle slope. "My parents spent most of my childhood fighting with each other. Most of the time it was me and Jeannie who did things together. My mum died in a car crash when I was eighteen. Dad died fifteen years ago from cancer."

"Shit," John murmured.

"Tell me about it. My dad though, after mum died he kept going as if nothing had happened. He pushed me and Jeannie to do our best in everything, no matter the consequences, which was easy for him. He spent most of his time working. I looked after Jeannie and studied."

"So why did you fall out with Jeannie? Seems to me like you should have been closer than anything," John commented, pausing to wait for Rodney to catch up.

"Oh we were close when we were younger. She's a genius as math's, as you know, and when she started University she met Caleb and got pregnant, then dropped out and got married. It was mostly my fault that we stopped talking. One thing led to another and before I knew it four years had passed. I'm not sure if she'll ever forgive me for not being at her wedding, or being there when Madison was born." Rodney paused, feeling that familiar flash of sorrow he felt whenever he thought of his remaining family. "I wasn't ever an understanding kind of person. There are so many things I wish I..."

Rodney stopped talking, hating how vulnerable the whole thing made him feel. John had stopped walking and turned to face him slightly, something in his eyes making Rodney pause.

"I know what you mean. It's not like we can go back and change anything. We just have to live with it the best we can," John said slowly, and after a minute he resumed walking again, leaving Rodney confused in his wake.

He hurried to catch up again, feeling strange after witnessing a moment of such sorrow and regret from John.

"So...how was she?" Rodney asked. "When you visited her, I mean?"

"She was doing okay. She seemed tired, like she needed a break. Maddy's started the third grade, and Caleb's work has been tough on him lately. Honestly? I think she was missing you," John told him softly.

The news saddened Rodney, and he wished there was something he could do to make her feel better. That letter was still sitting on his desk in his quarters, half written.

"I've tried writing to her, you know? But what do you tell someone when you've come back from the dead?" he asked John's back. "I wish I could see her..."

"So why don't you?" John asked. "I'm sure Sam would let you. You can go through the gate and come back on the Daedelus."

"I can't...leave Atlantis yet. I don't think I can." Rodney replied. "It wouldn't feel right and I'm not….strong enough."

They were almost there. The Ancient ruins sat in a small clearing about halfway up the foot hills, sheltered by towering trees hundreds of years old and extending back into the hill side quite a way. It was a pretty journey from the village to the ruins, and Rodney had enjoyed the time alone with John more than he probably should have.

John stopped when they reached the small clearing.

"I think you're wrong," John told him, looking straight at him steadily. Rodney had to resist the urge the shift on the spot like small child caught doing something wrong.

"I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. After all, you've come through the last few months in one piece. And I'm sure Jeannie would love to see you."

Rodney smiled a little shy.

"Maybe."

John nodded, and looked around. "I'm going to check out those ruins before you go in then I'll scout the perimeter to make sure there's no unwanted visitors. Stay here."

Rodney watched as John disappeared between the ancient pillars and into the hill side before he exhaled and leaned against the tree behind him. It had been an intense conversation for him, sapping a lot of strength and making him feel a little weak and shaky. He felt a little too warm, a result of their walk no doubt, and he tugged his collar away from his neck as he looked around.

A few minutes later Sheppard reappeared from the entrance of the ruins.

"All clear, Rodney. Do your thing," he called. "I'm going to have a look around. Call me if you need anything."

Rodney hefted his pack a little higher and headed towards the columns of stone, feeling that familiar sense of excitement and eagerness he got whenever there was the potential for discovery.

It wasn't long before Rodney lost himself in his work, carefully recording both in words and on video the inscriptions on the walls. There was not much in the way of technology, but the writing on the walls could be anything, from gate addresses to information on ZPM's so he couldn't let one stone go unturned.

He was vaguely aware of Sheppard moving about quietly as he scouted the perimeter of the clearing, checking on Rodney every now and then but leaving him to his work. Eventually he sat down with his back resting against one of the stone pillars and his P-90 across his lap. His shades were on and he looked as relaxed and as sleek as a cat basking in the sun. Rodney tried his best to ignore him and focus on his work. The anthropologists would be salivating over his finds, he knew.

As he worked though, Rodney became aware of a twinge low in his belly which became more and more noticeable as time slipped by. He frowned over it initially, but dismissed it as indigestion or something similar. When it started turning into cramps he paused in his work and sat back on his heels.

Absentmindedly, he rubbed his stomach as he reached for his water bottle and a power bar. He was too hot, and sweaty, and the bright sunlight had started to hurt his head. As he stripped off his tack vest and then his jacket, Rodney started to feel light headed.

"Uh...Col...John?" he called, his voice sounding weak to his own ears. His vision suddenly tunneled and his ears rang unpleasantly as pain sliced through his head.

"Rodney?" John crouched in front of him quickly, grasping his shoulders. "Rodney what's wrong? Rodney! Shit, you're burning up….Put your head between your knees."

Sheppard gently guided him into position and Rodney sat, slumped there for a few minutes. Gradually, his vision righted itself and the ringing in his ears lessened, though his head pounded cruelly and his stomach continued to cramp mercilessly.

"That's it, buddy, deep breaths. Keep breathing Rodney." John murmured with one hand on his back.

Rodney groaned as the pain in his stomach worsened and his nausea rose.

"John?"

"I'm right here, buddy. You feeling any better?" he asked his concern evident in the tightness of his voice. "Do you need anything? More water?"

Rodney shook his head and swallowed thickly several times.

"I'm not feeling so good John," he whispered.

"I know, buddy. I'm going to radio Teyla and let her know what's going on. I don't suppose you can walk?"

Rodney shook his head; it was out of the question, as his vision was still spinning gently. He gulped again as his gorge in a vain attempt to keep his lunch down.

"Okay. I'm going to go out into the open for a minute, alright? I'll get Teyla to contact Atlantis and send medical help," Sheppard said quietly. "I'll be right back."

Rodney must have managed to grunt some kind of acknowledgement because Sheppard stood up and walked out into the middle of the clearing. He felt pitiful, aware only of the agonizing cramping and the pounding in his head and he was aware enough to roll to his hands and knees before vomiting violently on the grass. Thankfully, he had even sense left to roll clear of the mess before collapsing on his side. Through half lidded eyes, he watched disjointedly for a few seconds as Sheppard ran towards him before he finally gave into his dizziness.

* * *

Rodney woke feeling like something had crawled into his throat and died. He was too hot, his throat was dry and his stomach was sending stabbing pains throughout his abdomen. He must have made some sort of noise because John was at his side in an instant, his cool hand pressing against Rodney's forehead.

"Hey, hey, easy there," he soothed, keeping his voice low and quiet. "You're safe."

"Where'm I?" he mumbled, trying to raise his head. There was some kind of roaring noise in the back ground, and the light was funny, flickering in a way that hurt his eyes.

"We're at the ruins, remember? You feel ill. Just keep still for a moment, okay?"

"I 'member." Rodney relaxed back. "Why are we still here?"

"That storm the villagers warned us about came in early. It's too violent for us to go out there, or someone to send help, so we're stuck here until it blows over." John explained slowly.

Rodney closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to wet his throat.

"Here."

Something hard pressed against his lips, and Rodney opened his mouth obediently, keeping his eyes shut. Cool water trickled into his dry mouth and he swallowed gratefully, taking as much as he could before John pulled it away gently.

"How are you feeling? Any better?" John asked, and he listened as the cap was screwed on the bottle once more.

"Not really. It's too hot," Rodney muttered. Opening his eyes, he found he was covering in blankets and started to push them off.

"You're running a temperature Rodney," John explained to him patiently. "We've only got to hold out here a little longer and then we can get you back to Atlantis. How does that sound?"

"Good...really good," Rodney mumbled as he blinked his eyes tiredly. "Keller..."

"Yeah. Keller will be able to help. I'm sure she's looking forward to seeing her favorite patient again," John chuckled quietly as he leaned forward to brush sweat damp hair off his face.

"She'll...give me...the good stuff..." Rodney managed to say before sleep claimed him once more.

If anyone asked him later what he remembered about the long torturous hours stuck in that cave as the fever raged through his body, he would have replied that it was John.

Consciousness came in bursts, and sometimes he was aware enough to talk to John for a few minutes before dropping suddenly back into a restless sleep. Other times he woke only long enough to drink more water and mumble incoherently to himself before succumbing once more.

John told him later that after that first hour, when the weather worsened and the lightning lit up the sky, Rodney had become combative, struggling and calling out. At times, John had been forced to physically hold him down until he quieted.

Rodney remembered John moving around the cave as he drifted in a light doze. He'd spent a few long minutes standing at the entrance to the ruins and looking out into the rain before he'd move back and check on the small fire he'd lit. He'd gone through what supplies they had ten times over, apparently, in between pacing the length of their small shelter.

But always, Rodney remembered John being beside him whenever he awoke, talking to him quietly, giving him water when he asked and carefully wiping the sweat from his face. Steadily though, despite his efforts, Rodney had continued to deteriorate, and the time between each awakening lengthened until he hadn't woken up at all for the rest of the night. John had feared the worst.

All Rodney remembered was a terrible, burning pain, originating from his stomach and spreading throughout his body. He remembered crying from the pain at one point and pleading for John to put him out of his misery. John had sat by him, talking to him in soothing tones, telling him stories and letting the sound of his voice penetrate through his suffering and easing him back to sleep.

It had been a long night, and John hadn't slept a wink. Rodney woke up the next morning, still in the cave and still in pain, but it had dulled to a constant ache instead of fiery agony. His fever had abated somewhat as well, though he still felt too warm.

"Hey," John greeted him, looking exhausted and tense. "You're awake."

"Al..." he coughed as the words caught in his dry throat, and accepted the water John offered. He moaned as the violence of his coughing set of a wave of spasms in his tender stomach and took a few deep breaths, closing his eyes as the pain faded once more into that dull aching. "Always stating the obvious, Sheppard."

John grinned at him. "Yeah well, it's been a tough night. Are you gonna hold it against me?"

"I'll think about it," Rodney murmured, closing his eyes once more.

"I hate to be asking the obvious, but how are you feeling? Are you still in pain?"

"Yeah..."

"How bad? On a scale of one to ten." Sheppard was sitting in front of him, his radio in his hands.

"Ten. But it's not as bad as last night," Rodney replied shakily.

"I thought as much. Your temperature's still there but it's a lot better than it was." John exhaled, a tired sound that made Rodney open his eyes. "You scared the hell outta me, Rodney."

"Sorry. You look like shit, by the way."

John laughed.. "Likewise, Mckay."

"So..." Rodney sighed, closing his eyes again as his body throbbed anew. "How's the weather?"

"It's a gorgeous day outside, storm clouds and cold winds. But the rain has stopped and there's no lightning or thunder around," John paused.

"And the cavalry?"

"Ronon and Teyla are on their way here with a few of the villagers. They should be here soon."

"Good." Rodney nodded. "That's good."

His breath hitched as a new wave of pain sliced through his abdomen and he squeezed his eyes shut tighter as a whimper escaped him involuntarily. Dimly, he was aware of a hand touching his softly, before wrapping around it. He squeezed back gratefully, welcoming the contact as a few helpless tears escaped.

"Rodney?" John's voice was softer, and gentler than he could ever remember it being.

"What's wrong with me?" he managed, his voice catching on a sob. "It hurts so bad..."

"I know. Just hold on a little while longer Rodney," something soft and a little moist brushed over the back of his hand. "It'll be over soon."

"You think I'm going to die?" Rodney managed, trying to smile. He opened his eyes and looked up at his friend. John looked so tired and worried that Rodney's heart ached for him, hating himself for putting someone he held so dear through such an ordeal. He hoped that it would be over with soon, as much for John's sake as for Rodney's.

"Not a chance in hell, Rodney," John growled as he reached out and brushed the tears off his cheeks. "You're more stubborn and resilient than anyone I know. There's no way you're getting out of this so easy."

"You think this is easy?" Rodney asked, with an incredulous laugh that made his chest and throat ache.

John grinned. "See? All you need is a little motivation to get through this. You can kick my ass as soon as you're better. Hell, I'll even give you a few free shots."

Rodney managed to roll his eyes and grunt, before his body rebelled and started to ache more fiercely. He closed his eyes and gripped John's hand more tightly.

"That's it, Rodney. Just breathe through it." John was murmuring. "Don't you go to sleep on me again, you ass. We were getting along so well."

"Nice...bedside manner you g-got going there...John," Rodney mumbled.

"Yea well, I was never meant to be a nursemaid, Mckay," John replied.

Rodney didn't manage to reply before he slipped into a light doze.

* * *

He was woken in what seemed like a few minutes later to quiet voices outside. This time, it was Teyla who was moving around their small shelter, packing up scattered supplies and putting out the remains of their fire. When she saw he was awake and watching her, she smiled and knelt down by him.

"Rodney. It is good to see you awake. You gave us quite the scare," she told him gently, touching his arm.

"Sorry."

"Don't encourage him," John's said as he joined them. "He'll only keep up the drama queen act for longer."

"Nice to see you too, Sheppard," Rodney muttered.

"How are you feeling, Rodney?" Teyla asked.

He was vaguely aware of voices and noise in the back ground, but chose to ignore it and tried to focus on what his team mates were saying.

"I'd feel a whole lot better if people stopped asking me that," he replied slowly. "Other than that...the pains...a nine."

Teyla frowned at John in confusion, but he only shook his head to her silent question.

"Better than it was a little while ago then," John surmised. "It would be best if we move him while the pain's not so bad."

"Cavalry arrived?" Rodney asked, closing his eyes as another wave of exhaustion hit him.

"I'll go and see how they're progressing with the stretcher," Teyla said, before getting up and leaving them alone.

"Yeah it has. I need you to try and stay awake for a little while, Rodney. Just for a little while, okay?" John asked, pressing his hand to Rodney's forehead briefly.

"Bloody nursemaid Sheppard." Rodney rasped, his throat sore and aching. John offered him water once more, which he accepted. "Keller should take you on in the infirmary."

"I doubt she'll have me," Sheppard responded with another one of those warm smiles. "I like guns and explosions too much."

"Hmmm."

"Stay awake Rodney. It's almost over," John told him, patting his shoulder gently. "Want me to tell you a story?"

"I'm not six, Colonel."

"Could've fooled me," Sheppard said as he looked over his shoulder. "Ah. It seems they're ready for us."

Rodney complied sleepily to John's gentle directions, letting Sheppard support him and help him to sit up and struggle into his jacket.

"I don't see why I need it," he grumbled, only half aware of what he was saying. "I'm too bloody hot already."

"You need to keep warm, Rodney." Sheppard said simply. "It's cold out there."

Rodney didn't have the energy to respond any more. He let Ronon and Sheppard lift him carefully onto the makeshift stretcher, made of stout looking branches and padded by several tick blankets. By the time he was settled and secured, and covered by a warm blanket, the pain had increased once more, and he closed his eyes against it, concentrating on his breathing as Sheppard had told him. All around him, noises faded in and out, the sound of people talking and movement came and going like waves breaking on the beach.

And then, suddenly, he was jolted. He started, his eyes shooting open, only to look up into John's face.

"Easy, Rodney," he murmured. "We're starting down the mountain now. It might get a little rough but we'll try our best to keep you still."

"I take it...you managed to rope the caveman into helping," Rodney whispered, closing his eyes against the nausea that the movement created.

There was a snort from somewhere in the vicinity of his feet, and above him Sheppard smiled in amusement.

"I did. But if you're not careful, he might actually drop you down the side of this hill." he replied in a stage whisper.

"Might? Try will," Ronon's rumbling voice spoke up.

"Better...shut up then, huh?" Rodney asked, his voice straining.

"It may be a wise idea. Just close you eyes and you'll be home before you know it," John told him. Rodney relaxed. He could trust John, he knew. John always kept his word, no matter how difficult, and he could rely on him to get him through.

"Home sounds good." he whispered as he closed his eyes.

"Doesn't it?" John said softly. "No place like home, right Rodney?"

"Right. All we need is the red slippers…."

* * *

Rodney woke again, feeling feverish and nauseous. For a few moments, he lay and watched the leaves move above him, wondering where he was. His head was spinning again, and he felt something familiar in his chest. He frowned, trying to remember how he recognized it

Before he could think, his stomach rebelled and he only just managed to lean over the side of the stretched before he vomited, his stomach clenching violently and his pain spiking to new levels of agony. He groaned as he collapsed back once more, and everything went funny for awhile again. Voices which were familiar were ringing out all around him and echoing unpleasantly.

_"Oh shit..."_

_"Stop, we have to stop..."_

_"Hold on, Rodney. We're almost at the gate...Just a little longer..."_

_"Fuck, he's seizing..."_

_"Ronon, dial...gate...Teyla...him steady so he...hurt himself..."_

And after that, nothing.

TBC

TBC


	5. All Fall Down

--

A/N:See Prologue for standard disclaimer

--

**Chapter Four**: _All Fall Down_

_So go right you'll be left at a big hotel_

_You'll meet the devil at the bottom of a wishing well_

_You know you better give him something_

_Give him something good_

_Like everybody else he's misunderstood _

- Five For Fighting, The Devil in the Wishing Well

--

_The grass underneath him was itchy on the parts of his skin that were bare. The sun above him blazed hotly down on him, and the sky above him was a brilliant blue, the few clouds that were visibly looked as light and as fleeting as cotton candy. _

_Rodney closed his eyes and inhaled the cool, sweet air, relishing the way it invigorated his mind and made him buzz anew with energy. _

_It wasn't usual for him to enjoy being outdoors; not with so many allergens around just waiting to provoke his sensitive body into revolt. But he had been cooped up in his room for too many long hours, with his mother and father downstairs arguing as usual, in their clipped tones and their way of dancing around the issues that they really wanted to argue about. Jeannie was listening to some trashy pop music in her room next door to his, so loud that he could hear it perfectly in his, her good, but astoundingly loud voice adding to his frustration and weariness._

_While he loved science and math's, loved the way all the pieces fit together like a well played song and the way it all just made _sense _to him, there were days when nothing seemed to work the way it should, when the numbers didn't add up and the results didn't match the equations. It had been one of those days again. _

_His parents had been very strict about his study regime, as they had for most of his life. 'Being a genius isn't just about having natural talent' they'd said. 'You have to work for it.' And boy had he worked for it. They didn't tolerate his messy working habits, his hectic not-schedules that no one could make sense of but him. He drew the line at them telling him how to keep his room tidy. He didn't care if his wardrobe lived on his floor, or that dirty plates and cups littered the place until even he couldn't stand them any more. It was the way he lived and worked and there was order to the chaos. He knew where everything was, he knew exactly where to find things when he needed them and that was all the mattered._

_But he had needed to breathe, needed the space, the air to clear his cluttered mind or he really would go crazy. His finals were coming up, and his tension was high. That's how he knew that he was working properly, when he was buzzing with barely contained stress that seemed to be mania to everyone else._

_Not only that but the shouting was getting on his nerves and the need to get out, to get away was too intense for him to stand any more. There was so much that was running through his mind that the science that defined his existence had become nothing but back ground noise. Everything else, all his old dreams and doubts and regrets had come hurdling to the front and he felt like he could scream with frustration. _

_He didn't know where he was headed, and that unpredictability made him more nervous than he cared to admit. The world wasn't a place he was comfortable with, and people even more so. There was no way he could know how they were going to act, or what the next hit would be and how it would affect him. _

_But the sky above him was still bluer than anything he had seen yet. He knew the science behind it, he knew why it seemed so limitless and so blue, but somehow that never seemed to quell his enjoyment of it, or the way it always made him think about those old dreams he had had since he was a little boy, or the way it made him remember the way his family had used to be back before things had fallen apart, for reasons that were still unknown to him. At first, when the pain had been so fresh and new, he had looked up at the sky with eyes that were saddened by the loss of a stable family home and people who hadn't known how to disregard what others were feeling. _

_Gradually though, he had grown accustomed to his new family dynamic, and the pain had faded. He had stopped believing that there was a god looking down at him from behind that blue sky and he had immersed himself in his one refuge. Science. It always came back to the science, the one thing that still made sense to him._

_"Hey Mer!" _

_Rodney rolled his eyes and sighed. Once again, reality came calling, this time in the form of his younger sister. At least it wasn't one of his parents, ranting and raving about all the things he hadn't done that he was supposed to._

_"Here." he called back reluctantly, and moments later Jeannie appeared, all blond pig tails and bright blue eyes. She plunked herself down beside him and grinned at him._

_"Mom and dad are looking for you. They want you to cook dinner tonight." She informed him, plucking a long stem of grass and starting to wind it around itself into a wreath._

_"Well they're just going to have to wait aren't they?" he sniped back._

_She grinned in response and didn't say anything, her eyes focused on the intricate work of creating her tiny wreath._

_"Hey Mer," she said quietly after a few long moments of quiet. "Why do mum and dad fight all the time?"_

_"How should I know?" he replied, crossing his arms beneath his head. "They always fight, Jeannie. It's just how they are."_

_She shrugged and set her ring aside before starting on a daisy chain. Rodney exhaled and wondered why she was suddenly asking all these questions. She had been young when things had first started falling apart, so she hadn't known anything else. He wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a burden. At least she wasn't stuck with memories of how it had been before, as he was. _

_"Then why don't they get divorced?" she pressed on, regardless of his reluctance to answer her difficult questions._

_"How the hell should I know? Because they're suckers for punishment and misery? I don't know."_

_"But if they did get divorced, who would you live with? Would we get separated?" she continued, as if she hadn't heard him._

_"I don't know. Probably dad. Why?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him._

_"I dunno. If they did, I wouldn't want to get separated from you. It's be even worse then." She reasoned._

_She was right, he knew that. And he honestly didn't know what would happen should they actually decide to get divorced. It would be another sequence to factor into the complicated and unsolvable equation that was his life. Yet another thing to plague and confuse him._

_"I honestly don't know what would happen Jeannie," Rodney said. "Anyway, I'll be leaving for university soon, so it won't matter anyway. I'll be living on campus if I get this scholership."_

_Jeannie didn't say anything for a long moment, before she looked up at him, her big blue eyes serious and sad._

_"It'll matter to me," she said quietly before looking down at the long daisy chain she had created._

_Rodney didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing._

* * *

"...ney, can you hear me?"

There was a loud buzzing in his ears, and shrill, ear splitting noise in the back ground. He couldn't open his eyes because they were so heavy, as if giant weights were attached to his eyelids.

His body was screaming at him, burning with pain and exhaustion and he was confused, so confused that he wanted to cry out. Somewhere, someone was moaning.

"..._combative again..."_

_"Up the dosage to ten mils..."_

_"You're hurting him! Can't you see he's in pain?"_

_"...Colonel, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave..."_

_"...Doctor!"_

_"Rodney, can you hear me?"_

He gave up trying to make sense of anything and let the darkness claim him again.

* * *

_"MEREDITH! I can't believe this!" his father shouted at him. "What the hell were you thinking, blowing up the school's garden shed? And for what, to prove your science teacher was wrong?!"_

_Rodney scowled blackly at the man pacing in front of him. His fathers' face was bright red, his hands waving wildly in the air; Rodney didn't think he had ever seen his father so angry before, and he couldn't remember caring less._

_"I spent thousands of dollars sending you to the best schools in the country, getting you the best tutors and into the most prestigious educational programs around, and this is how you repay me? Someone could have been seriously injured!"_

_"There wasn't anyone around," Rodney scoffed. "I'm not stupid. And besides, it's not like anyone was actually using it..."_

_"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" his father roared. _

_Rodeny looked past his father's considerable bulk to where Jeannie was standing in the kitchen, her hands submerged in soapy water as she scrubbed furiously at the dishes and trying to make herself invisible. He could almost feel sorry for her having to bear witness to such an explosive argument, but he was too furious himself to bring himself to._

_"Why can't you be like all the other good students and keep your damn mouth shut?" his father yelled as he paced the room. "Why do you have to be so god damned different all the time?!"_

_"Maybe I don't want to end up like you, dad!" he snapped, having had enough of listening to insults being shouted in his face. He was too angry to acknowledge the flicker of hurt his father's words caused him, instead turning and storming away to his room. He slammed the door behind him, locked it and threw himself savagely down on the bed, rolling onto his side and facing the wall._

_"MEREDITH!!" His father was coming down the hall to his bedroom. "I'm not finished with you yet!"_

_Rodney reached behind him and flicked on his stereo, turning it up as loud as he could._

_Yeah, well maybe I'm done finished with you, he thought to himself before letting the loud, angry music drown out his father's shouting outside his door._

_Only a few more years and he'd be able to leave. Sometimes he wished his mother was still alive, so then at least his father would go back to ignoring him completely._

* * *

Rodney woke up slowly, the strange light flickering and blurring before his eyes. He blinked slowly until his vision righted itself and stared up at the strange grey green color of the ceiling above him.

There was a steady beeping by one ear, and he turned his throbbing head to stare in confusion at the heart monitor beside him, watching it spike and fall to the rhythm of his heart. There was an itch in his forearm where an IV was attached, and he felt...strange; weak and tired and a little too warm. He was aware of little things, like an itchy spot on the side of his knee and the dryness of his throat. His stomach was still aching in a crampy sort of way and he felt hungry. His head was throbbing in that horrible place right behind his eyes and made him wish he had the energy to complain.

Wearily, he wondered what else he would have to get through before the year was over. By his reckoning, this had to be one of the worse years he'd ever experienced and he had somehow managed to live through it.

Sighing, tiredly, he looked around his room, and blinked in surprise when he was met with the sight of a sleeping John Sheppard slumped in the only chair in the room. His head was dropping towards one shoulder, his arms were crossed and his legs sprawled out in their usual manner. It looked so uncomfortable that it made Rodney shift in sympathy on his bed.

The man was a mess. There was the dark shadow of stubble on his face; his hair was messier and more tangled than it usually was. Dark circles made his eyes look sunken, and lines were grooved even more deeply around his eyes and his mouth.

Rodney wondered how long he had been sitting there, keeping him company while he slept on. He could only imagine just how boring it was, as evidenced by a couple of discarded magazines around his bed, and empty coffee cups and junk food wrappers surrounding him. That old battered copy of War and Peace sat neglected on Rodney's small beside table and Rodney grimaced. It looked like he'd been practically living at Rodney's bedside ever since he'd arrived there.

Rodney returned his eyes back to the ceiling and tried to remember what had happened. It seemed that his mind was still a little addled for some reason, and the aching in his muscles and his head didn't make it any easier. He was starting to feel tired once more and was about to fall asleep again when John stirred beside him.

Turning his head, he watched with tired eyes as John slowly woke up. It was an enjoyable sight to be sure, and there was a sleepy kind of pleasure in it for him as he watched the slow tense and release of muscle as John shifted in his chair, slowing righting himself and opening clear hazel eyes, blinking the sleep out of them before rubbing his hands over his face in a show of weariness.

After a minute or so, he looked up at Rodney and bolted upright when he saw that he was awake (at least partially anyway.)

"You're awake!" he exclaimed, the obvious pleasure in his voice making Rodney smile instantaneously.

"Again with stating the obvious, Sheppard," Rodney managed before his dry throat made him start coughing painfully.

John stood up from his seat and grabbed a plastic cup from the table and held it up to Rodney's lips. He drank gratefully, before relaxing back against the bed with a sigh.

"Thanks."

"No problem. How're you feeling?" John replied sitting down once more with his elbows resting on his knees.

Rodney grimaced as he shifted gingerly on the bed, pushing himself up a little. The upright position made his head spin and he closed his eyes, fighting down a mild wave of nausea.

"Rodney?" John asked, anxiety in his tone. "Should I get someone?"

"No," he rasped. "No I'm okay. How long was I out for?"

Rodney opened his eyes and looked at his friend.

"Three days. It was pretty touch and go there for awhile. You almost..." John stopped for a moment before giving Rodney a strained smile. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that don't you?"

Rodney huffed. "Yeah well, I like to keep people on their toes." he paused himself. "You look like crap, by the way."

John snorted, then laughed, and it was like music to Rodney. The first genuine laugh he'd heard from him since before he'd been taken. It was a true belly laugh, and it made Rodney smile, all his aches and pains forgotten.

"So what's wrong with me then?" he asked eventually.

John sobered up pretty quickly, a haunted look crossing his eyes before his usual mask fell into place again.

"What do you remember?"

Rodney frowned as he looked up at the ceiling once more. It was all fuzzy, and there wasn't much he could remember. But he was getting really tired of having things happen to him and not remembering a thing about it. Still, there was something...

John. He remembered John, sitting by him talking to him. There were flashes of conversation as well, but nothing much beyond that. It made him feel a whole lot better knowing that he had had someone with him during what was a really bad time for him.

"I remember... you being there. But not much else," he replied honestly.

There was a deep exhale from John, but Rodney couldn't bring himself to look at him. It was too much emotion, too much vulnerability for him, and he was starting to realize that it was John that made him feel like that. If he looked at him then, when his chest felt like it would close up from the resounding gratitude he had for the man, he would probably end up embarrassing himself in some way. But then, John had seen him at his worst before so it wouldn't really make much difference.

"It was pretty bad. I mean, one minute you were fine and then next you just...keeled over," John told him quietly, his voice slightly muffled. "I thought you were going to...Keller won't tell anyone what happened to you. Some rubbish about doctor patient confidentiality or something."

"Must be pretty bad then," Rodney said, fighting to keep the fear out of his voice.

"Hey, I'm sure it's nothing life threatening," John tried to reassure him. "Some freak fever or something..."

They were interrupted by the arrival of Doctor Keller, and he had to suppress the urge to groan. No doubt she would want to poke and prod him with various instruments until she was satisfied. He wasn't wrong.

"Rodney, it's good to see you awake. How are you feeling?" She smiled at him as she set her clip board down and pulled a penlight out of her pocket.

"Okay...ow!" he grumbled when she flashed the light in his eyes. "I'm feeling a little bit...weak."

"That's pretty normal," she murmured as she pulled out her stethoscope. "Your fever was dangerously high for awhile and your glucose levels dropped pretty severely."

He endured her listening to his heart and lungs with a scowl but otherwise kept his mouth shut. John sat by, watching impassively as Keller worked.

"Hold this still," she told him and promptly stuck a thermometer in his mouth before scribbling briefly on his chart.

Rodney did as he was told without complaint or argument; he really was tired, and the brief conversation he'd had with Sheppard had tired him out more than he'd expected, both emotionally and physically.

"Right, well, it looks like you're in the clear. No signs of lung congestion or heart problems," she told him brightly, before taking the thermometer back and looking at the readings. "Your temperature is till a little higher than normal, but it's coming down steadily so that's nothing to worry about."

Rodney was frowning as he watched her. Something was off; her smile and cheeriness seemed too forced, too different from her normal good natured ness.

"You need to rest properly and get your strength back, so I'll let you get some sleep and come back in the morning to talk about things, okay?" she said brightly, already heading for the door.

"Doctor Keller?" Rodney called out after her. "I'd like to know what happened now if that's alright."

Keller hesitated at the door, obviously torn. "Rodney, perhaps it would be best if we left it until tomorrow, when you're a little stronger..."

"Please. I'd like to know."

Keller seemed to deflate and moved back towards the bed, her face turning serious.

"Colonel, perhaps it would be best if you..."

John was already standing up, but Rodney wanted him to stay. He knew whatever it was had to be something bad, if the look on Keller's face was anything to go by, and he didn't want to be alone when she told him. John had been with him through thick and thin, and Rodney felt like he had a right to know. If anything, he deserved an explanation for his sudden illness on the mission, and if it was something really bad then Rodney didn't think he'd be able to explain it to him by himself.

"I'd like him to stay," he interrupted quickly, glancing at him friend before looking back at Keller. "If that's okay with you."

"Of course," John nodded, and with an apologetic shrug in Keller's direction, stood behind his chair and grasped the back of it, leaning his weight in that oh so casual way that wrecked havoc on Rodney's senses.

Keller looked from Rodney to John for a long moment, looking torn and slightly miserable, but nodded and sat down on the edge of his bed. Rodney took a deep breath and managed an uncertain smile at her.

"So...how bad is it really, Doc?"

"It's...okay, so it's not the best news but it's not as bad as it could be. At least you're not dead, right?" She joked feebly, with a faltering smile.

"Yet," Rodney muttered. "And that fills me with so much confidence."

"Now, Rodney," John drawled. "Let's not over react until we know what's going on, hmm?"

Rodney scowled at him blackly. "I'm starting to forget why I asked you to stay."

John just grinned at him and looked expectantly towards Keller. Rodney quickly forgot the distraction of bantering with John and looked at her, trying to quell his nervousness.

"Well?"

"Right. So, we managed to get some scans done while you were unconscious," She began.

"Oh god. Its cancer isn't it? Some massive tumor that's going to..."

"Shhh, Rodney," John approached him and laid a heavy hand on his shoulder. "Let the pretty lady talk."

Keller smiled at John. "We've come up with a theory, but we'll need to run some more tests before we can be sure. When you were taken by the Ivanans, you say they took you to some sort of research facility, correct?"

"Correct," John answered for him. "It was definitely some kind of lab. We...had to look around a bit before we could locate him."

"We figured as much. But we went over the mission reports again, and we think we found out what they did to you Rodney," she said, her voice gentle and serious in that doctory way he had always hated. "It was noted that the population of their planet was affected by some kind of plague that wiped out roughly eighty five percent of their female populace. It seems that they were experimenting on ways to keep their population rate growing instead of decreasing as rapidly as it was."

"What...wait. I don't understand," Rodney broke in. "You mean they...did some kind of fertility treatment on me? That...doesn't sound so bad, right?"

He glanced up at John for confirmation, who shrugged and frowned, looking confused.

"In a way, I guess you're correct," Keller conceded slowly. "They planted a device in you that wasn't picked up on our original scans. We came to the conclusion that this was because it was dormant in some way, and because it seems to be at least partially composed of organic material that wouldn't show up on normal scans."

"What does it do?"

"The device is fused to your spine somehow," Keller continued, unheeded by the interruption. "It's been dormant the last couple of weeks because it's been gathering all the chemicals and proteins and hormones that it's needed to activate."

"Just spit it out, Keller," Rodney snapped, finally losing his patience.

"The device activated the other day while you were on the mission. It seems...Rodney, it created another organ in you, completely from scratch. The liver is the only organ in the human body with the ability to regenerate itself, so we think this technology is at least partially based on that."

"Another...organ? What kind of organ?" Rodney asked tightly. "I really don't like where this is heading."

"Let me finish Rodney," Keller said. "It appears the organ is some kind of...artificial womb. The technology is way beyond anything we've even seen, and we're still not sure how it's even possible...Rodney?"

Rodney had stopped listening, partially because his ears had started ringing again loudly and he suddenly couldn't breathe. He was aware, vaguely, of Sheppard swearing somewhere nearby, and the sound of Keller talking loudly to him.

Something was strapped over his face and he opened his eyes to look straight into Keller's steady gaze.

"...to me, Rodney," She was saying, her voice wavering in and out of his mind but steadily growing more audible. "There's no need for a panic attack, okay? Just take deep breaths and focus on what I'm saying to you. Do you understand?"

Somehow, he managed to nod.

"Good," she seemed to relax a little, relief evident in her eyes. "I understand how massive this is, but the facts are the facts, and there's no need to panic. At the moment, we have options that we can explore. Let's not jump to any premature conclusions, okay?"

He nodded again, and became aware of something gripping his hand tightly. John, he thought dimly to himself.

"That's really good, Rodney. You're doing well," she told him. "I'm going to take the mask away now, but I want you to keep taking deep breaths."

He felt the hard plastic being removed from his face and sucked in a deep breath, exhaling loudly as he stared at the ceiling.

"That's more than enough scares out of you, Rodney," Keller smiled warmly at him. "Think you can sit up again?"

Numbly, he nodded and let her and John help him sit upright again. Keller pressed the button that changed the angle of the bed head and he found himself supported.

"I don't want you to worry yourself to pieces over this, Rodney," Keller told him firmly. "I told you we have options that we can explore, and we do. Just focus on that for the time being, okay?"

"W...I don't understand," Rodney managed to say. "You're telling me that I'm some kind of...mutant now? How...But I..."

"Calm, Rodney," John said quietly beside him, gently squeezing his hand. "Remember the breathing thing."

"I don't understand." he whispered. "Why did this happen to me?"

"I can't answer all of your questions right now, Rodney. I wish that I could, but I need more time," Keller assured him. "As soon as I know anything, you'll be the first to know, okay?"

"Promise me..." he stopped and swallowed thickly, wishing the tears to leave his eyes."Promise me no one will find out about this. I don't...I can't deal with that right now."

"You have my word as a Doctor, Rodney," Keller told him seriously. "It's my duty as a physician to keep confidentiality with all of my patients, and I'm not about to start breaking that now. No one will know about this until you're ready to let them know."

"And I won't breathe a word of it either, "John added quickly, smiling down at Rodney and patting his hand. "What kind of best friend would I be if I did?"

Rodney nodded, feeling ridiculously reassured by their words. Beyond that though, he didn't know what he was feeling. It was like being hit over the head with a sledge hammer. He'd known it was bad, but he hadn't known that it would be so...twisted and wrong. And he felt like a freak, an unclean, mutated freak.

"I'm going to give you a mild sedative now, Rodney," Keller was saying. "Just so you can get some decent sleep, alright?"

He nodded, not knowing what to say. He wished with all his heart that he didn't know, because after all, he'd always been told that too much knowledge could be a terrible thing and he had never believed it before. Only now, when things had gone so horribly wrong, did he finally understand just how true that was.

His father had always told him that he would always be different. If only he'd known the half of it.

Keller slowly injected something into his IV before she patted his arm gently and smiled warmly at him.

"Just take it easy, Rodney. I'll be by in the morning to check up on you."

Rodney didn't turn to watch her leave, but suddenly he was alone with John and he hadn't ever felt so ashamed or belittled in front of anyone before. What would John think of him? What would anyone think of him? Rodney's chest ached with the need to cry, and he shut his eyes in a vain attempt to save what little dignity he had left.

The bed dipped slowly as John sat down on the edge, not releasing his hand. No words were spoken, but he felt John lean closer, and then press his forehead against Rodney's own in that old familiar greeting.

His breath hitched in his throat and he felt something wet and warm slide down the side of his face. John's breath fanned his face gently, warm and moist and sweet and Rodney could feel himself slipping, easing gently down into a place similar to soft feathers and warm sunlight.

"Easy Rodney," John whispered. "I'm right here. Just take it easy."

"Please..." Rodney slurred as the drugs began to take hold. "Don' leave me..."

"I'm not going anywhere. You're safe now." John replied, his words a feather light caress on the skin of his face. "This is all just a bad dream. You're going to wake up tomorrow morning and it will all be better."

"Promise'?"

"You have my word. Just go to sleep and I'll see you in the morning."

The last thing he was aware of was the warmth of another body hovering over his, and the ever so soft brush of something warm over his forehead.

* * *

Rodney was annoyingly awake way too early the next morning, and he was alone. Someone had opened the window to emit a cooling ocean breeze and he scowled up at the ceiling feeling more like his irritable and testy old self than he had for months.

Keller's words still rang in his ears, and despite her assurances, he was pretty positive that it was just about as bad as it could get. He was...different. He'd been used and had his body manipulated against his will and he felt strangely violated. Maybe that was how rape victims felt, although he knew that the two were vastly different.

John was gone, the seat beside him abandoned and empty, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was for the best. He didn't think that he could face rejection from John, and despite what he might say, he knew that eventually, he would leave too. Just like everyone else would when they found out what had happened to him. He had no doubts about that. It was...disgusting, and he wasn't about to delude himself when it came to how people would react.

He'd be ostracized and laughed at, looked upon with pity and shut out. Rodney had been around long enough to know how these things worked. Any small difference, anything that set a person apart was enough to make them a social outcast.

Well, it didn't matter much anyway, Rodney told him, because he'd never really fit in anyway.

But that didn't stop the small sliver of despair from worming its way through his defenses to wrap around his heart and constrict painfully.

Someone had left a plate of hospital food on his small bed tray and he pulled it over to him half heartedly. He wasn't really hungry, but it was better to have something to concentrate on rather than focus on just how badly he was screwed.

Rodney spent the next fifteen minutes pushing his food around the plate and mashing it beyond all recognition, but eventually the frustration was too much for him and he flung his plastic tub of Jello at the wall in a fit of rage, scowling as he watched the blue muck slide slowly down the wall.

A nurse stuck her head in the room looking for the source of the disturbance, and he glared at her too until she shook her head and left him alone.

But it turned out he wasn't alone for long because a few minutes later a cheerful looking Keller walked into the room. She paused for a minute and looked at the Jello smeared on the wall to Rodney before she took a seat and put her clip board down on her lap.

"You know, glaring at the nurses who are responsible for looking after you might not be the best idea," she said. "You never know what nasty surprises they might have in store for you."

"Yeah well, it makes me feel better," Rodney replied, snappily. "Besides, if you had total control of your staff then you wouldn't have to worry about them abusing patients under their care."

"Seeing as you're going through a rough patch, I'm going to ignore that one," she told him with irrefutable cheerfulness.

Rodney snorted but didn't reply.

"We've been friends for awhile now, haven't we?" Keller asked after a moment.

He frowned, confused by her sudden change in direction. "Uh...yeah, I guess."

"I'd like to think that if you needed to talk about anything, you can come to me. You know that right?"

Rodney glanced at her, feeling some of his irritation slip away, despite himself. There were so many ways he could contradict her, so many things he could point out that would make her wrong. Even if he wanted to talk about it (which he didn't) the odds were that he would never go to her to do so. Not that it had anything to do with her at all, just that Rodney didn't like to talk about the things that bothered him.

Still, it was nice of her to offer, he supposed, and she hadn't changed her attitude towards him, still putting up with his grouching and his moods with the same cheerful exasperation.

"Tell me the options," he said instead.

She chewed on her lower lip for a minute before glancing at the clip board perched on her lap.

"Okay. The bottom line is, we're dealing with technology way beyond our own. There's no possible way we can predict the outcome if we just start messing about without running some tests first," She said.

"Okay. So you want me to play the role of the guinea pig for awhile. I suppose that's understandable," he allowed grudgingly, although the whole idea of having people poke and prod at him made his skin crawl. There'd been enough of that already, his current situation acting as proof of that.

"That's the idea," she nodded. "Though I object to the guinea pig reference."

"Duly noted," he replied sarcastically. "Mind if we get back on topic here?"

"Sorry. Anyway, if we attempt anything without thorough exploration first, we could end up risking your life. Flying blind isn't the way to deal with this."

"Right. So run your tests and get this thing out of me," he said impatiently. "The sooner the better, though I understand your caution. Do what you need to get this done, Keller."

"I'm afraid it's not as simple as that," she admitted regretfully.

"What do you mean?" he demanded

"As I said Rodney, the device is fused to your spine. We can't just cut it out. That would probably paralyze you for life. I'm saying that you need to face the possibility that we may not be able to remove the womb or the device. Besides, there's no guarantee that it won't just grow back again," she explained gently.

"So...what am I supposed to do?" he asked helplessly. "I can't live like this, it's..."

"I know its hard Rodney," she reached over and patted his hand. "But you'd be surprised what you can live with. If it turns out that we can't remove it, then it'll probably just sit there, not doing anything for the rest of your life. Easy to forget, and it wouldn't change your life in anyway. Remember that it was just an experimental procedure, to see if it could work."

Rodney pulled a face, keeping his eyes on his hands, which rested on his lap.

"You're wrong, you know," he told her quietly. "It does change things. It changes everything."

"Rodney..."

"Look, I know what you're going to say, so don't bother. Just...run the tests. Do whatever it is you need to do, but just get it done soon. I can't stay locked up here forever. You know that."

"Okay. I'll go and set things up," she stood up, clutching her clip board to her chest. "Just so you know...nobody has to know about this. You can keep it to yourself if it turns out we can't do anything."

"You'll have to tell Colonel Carter though, won't you?" he asked perceptively. "And no doubt Doctor Heightmire will learn about it too."

"They'll be the only ones. Along with Colonel Sheppard and me of course," she allowed. "But I'll do everything I can to protect this, Rodney. You can count on me."

He nodded and she went to the door.

"Jennifer..." he called out, only hesitating for a second."Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Rodney." she smiled at him. "I'll send the nurse in to help get you ready."

And then he was alone again, left with his thoughts and all the limited options he had left to him.

Rodney spent the rest of the day at the mercy of Keller and her lackeys. He had so many needles and injections that he had eventually lost count. He'd been shoved under scanners and been forced to lie still for indefinite amounts of times. Some of the tests had been unpleasant and painful. He'd even thrown up once. And if anyone ever mentioned the words lumbar puncture to him again, he'd run screaming from the room. Having a giant needle shoved into his spine had been one of the most painful things he'd ever experienced.

By the end of it, he was extremely cranky and snapped at anyone who had come within a ten meter radius of him. Keller had praised him for co operating so well and then promptly left orders for him not to be disturbed for the remainder of the evening, for which Rodney was in ordinarily grateful.

He'd picked half heartedly at his evening meal, only to have Keller stick her head in his room and threaten him that he wouldn't be leaving the next morning unless he ate something.

Grouchily, he complied. He ate the food that tasted bland and tiredly thought to himself that he knew what a pin cushion felt like. His arms were aching; they were covered in band aides from all the needle pricks he'd endured.

There was a playful rap on his door and Sheppard sauntered in, his hands shoved in his pockets and a smile on his face.

Rodney glared at him before stabbing at his mashed potatoes viciously.

"Bad day?" John asked, collapsing unceremoniously in his usual chair.

"Understatement," Rodney muttered in response.

"I hear Keller's been putting you through your paces," his friend observed. "Any news?"

Rodney shot him a dark look before pushing his plate away in disgust.

"You want some of this?" he asked, ignoring him.

"After you've just mutilated it beyond all recognition?" John pulled a face. "No thanks."

Rodney sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm probably not the best company tonight. I'm sure you have better things to do so why don't you..."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily, Rodney. Why don't we get you up and go for a walk? I hear there's a game of basketball going on down on the south pier..."

Rodney, who's strength and patience had snapped a long time ago sighed and swung his legs over the edge of his bed.

"Look, Sheppard. I understand what it is you're doing, but it's really not necessary. The looking after the weakest team member thing even makes sense, but don't you think this is going a little too far?" Rodney asked wearily.

"What are you..."

"You don't need to pretend anymore, John. It's okay. I appreciate what you've done for me, you have no idea how much, but I'm sure you have better things to be doing than looking after the newest freak on Atlantis, right?" Rodney gave a short, humorless laugh. "Thanks for humoring me though."

"Rodney." John started to say, but stopped as he looked at Rodney. Slowly, he approached him until he was standing right in front of Rodney. Warm, strong hands settled on his shoulders and squeezed ever so slightly.

"I know you're tired, so this is the only time I'm going to say this." John said quietly, his voice firm. "I don't think any less of you because of this. What happened to you was beyond your control. It doesn't change who you are, or what you're capable of. I don't feel sorry for you, I'm not baby sitting you, I'm spending time with you because you're my friend and I don't want you to go through this alone. I'm not going to leave unless you really want me to."

Rodney lowered his head and closed his eyes, trying not to enjoy the feel of John touching him, or that wonderful, slightly spicy and warm smell of his. Warmth, starting from where John was touching him, spread right down to his toes. It was impossible, this insatiable desire he had for John, and he knew that it would never happen, especially not after the recent life-changing revelations. He wasn't the kind of person John was interested in.

John Sheppard was a man who dated astoundingly beautiful women, who didn't even like men as far as he knew, and he definitely deserved someone more worthy than a self centered, ego-maniac like Rodney. He wasn't a hero, he wasn't any sort of angel, it was true, and while John may view him as a worthy friend, he wasn't the kind of person John needed in his heart or his bed.

"What if I tell you that I want to be left alone?" he asked heavily, still not looking at him. If he dared to take even a peek he knew that he would break down in some horrifyingly embarrassing moment of extreme weakness.

"I won't believe you. I know you, Rodney, and I know that's not what you really want." John replied immediately. "Have a little faith in me. We're going to figure this out, okay? Things will work out just fine."

And there it was, that unquestionable trust he had in John making itself known again, in the form of an absolute belief in what he was saying. A desperate hope gripped Rodney, and he slumped a little in defeat, knowing that there wasn't a bone in his body that could doubt John's word. If John said it would be alright, then somehow, someday it would be.

Almost without realizing it, Rodney tipped his head forward until it rested gently on John's chest. Keeping his eyes closed, he felt one of John's hands settle on his hair and exhaled shakily.

"I don't want you to leave me alone," he admitted partly to himself.

"I won't. You have friends here Rodney. You have nothing to fear." John murmured.

Nothing but the future, Rodney thought to himself. But he didn't say that, because he couldn't bring himself to voice his doubts and fears to John just then.

"And you're not a freak." John whispered as he rested his chin against the top of Rodney's head. "Well, apart from that abnormally big brain of yours, but even that's questionable."

Rodney laughed quietly, silently cursing his ability to dismiss Rodney's fears and make him feel better with all his stupid jokes and lame one liners and that lopsided grin of his.

"Hey, John?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm ready for that holiday now."

TBC


	6. Before Too Long

Please see Prologue for standard disclaimer

--

**Chapter Five-** _Before Too Long_

-

_Fly me up_

_To where you are_

_Beyond the distant star_

_I wish upon tonight_

_To see you smile_

_If only for awhile_

_To know you're there_

_A breath away's not far_

_To where you are_

_- _Josh Groban, To Where You Are

* * *

Rodney stood on a secluded balcony, his hands gripping the railing as he looked down at the waves crashing against the piers below. He was nervous and tense, but the cool air on his face made him feel a little more alert and lively. Goose bumps raced up and down his arms, but he didn't feel like going inside just yet, even though he was dressed only in light cotton trousers and a t shirt.

He had managed to slip away from the infirmary to a nearby balcony earlier that morning because he thought he deserved a little time alone. He'd been cooped up in the infirmary for four days while they had run their tests and waited for results. Rodney had tried to be as patient at he could, and all things considered he thought he'd been doing a good job.

The tests had been conclusive. Rodney was going in for surgery that afternoon, and all he could think was good riddance. The whole wretched ordeal was enough to make him sick to the stomach and he was pleased that it would soon be over. After that it would be smooth sailing as he tried his best to forget.

Maybe he would take that holiday afterwards. It was way past time for him to take some time to relax. He could see himself by a quiet lakeside somewhere, catching up on his reading and sleeping the afternoons away.

"There you are," a surprised voice startled him. "Keller's wondering where you've gotten to."

He looked over his shoulder at Sam as she walked towards him.

"Just needed a little fresh air," Rodney responded.

She stood next to him, smiling out at the horizon. Rodney glanced at her surreptitiously. Being in command suited her. Back on Earth when they had first met, she was always a vital part of a team, but never the command, always eager to take orders and follow her leader to the ends of the universe if she had to. He'd never imagined her being in any position of power, but now he couldn't imagine her anywhere else. It had leant her confidence that seemed to settle around her like a protective cloak, and he couldn't help but feel a little envious of it. Sam had always had confidence in her abilities, and she always seemed to make the right choices and know, instinctively, that they were right.

Things were very different from when they'd first met. He'd been such an obnoxious jackass back then, and he hoped he'd changed at least a little. Never in a thousand years had he imagined that he'd be head of the science team in an expedition to another galaxy, looking to Sam for leadership and guidance. All other prizes and awards he could someday win seemed dull in comparison.

"I can understand that. It's a big operation," Sam replied. "Scared?"

"No," he said, without a shadow of a doubt in his heart. "I just want this over with."

It had been up to Keller to brief Sam on the situation, and Rodney hadn't envied her that task one bit. Sam had seemed to take it in her stride though, obviously viewing it as an obstacle to overcome, and Rodney supposed that was why she was in charge of Atlantis.

"I can imagine. There is something I wanted to talk to you about though," Sam smiled at him. "It's nothing serious. You're not in trouble."

"I wasn't expecting to be. I've been cooped up in the infirmary for the last week. How much trouble could I possibly get into?"

Sam raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. "Quite a bit, according to Keller. She tells me you've been terrorizing the nursing staff. Apparently you even reduced one poor girl to tears."

Rodney snorted, though he didn't remember doing such a thing. "She had it coming."

"I think we're getting a little off topic here. I wanted to tell you that I think it would be best to keep all of this off the records."

"Why?" Rodney looked at her in surprise. It wasn't something he would have imagined Sam wanting to do. If word of such a thing ever got out, it could end her career forever.

She frowned at him in confusion. "I would've thought that was what you'd have wanted."

"No, it is, it is, I just meant..." Rodney stared at her, puzzled. "I don't understand."

"Look, this is something the IOA would love to get their hands on. I'm sure there's some bureaucrat out there who'd look past the humanitarian issue and get you to a lab somewhere so they can study you."

Rodney couldn't quite suppress the shudder that passed through him upon hearing that. He hadn't even considered the possible ramifications of having such a technology tested on him, and the very thought of it horrified him. He'd once studied many artifacts and technologies at Area 51 and he had no desire to be one of those things that was studied.

He must have looked at Sam with his fear written plainly on his face because she laid a hand on his arm.

"Hey, I won't let that happen, I can promise you that," she told him. "But we need to figure out some way to keep this under wraps, okay? Someone out there will be hungering to get their hands on you, so we need to be extremely careful in how we handle this. If this operation works, then we'll keep the organ here for study. But until we can do that, we keep this quiet. So far, only myself, Colonel Sheppard, Doctor Keller and your team mates know about this and we'll keep it that way. Okay?"

"Okay," he breathed, gripping the rail tightly. Just another thing to add to his list of things to worry about, he told himself bitterly.

"I think it's time we..." Sam began just as the balcony doors opened to reveal Teyla and Ronon. He hadn't seen much of them since the mission, though they had been in to see that he was alright since then. They had probably been busy doing the...stuff they normally did around Atlantis.

"Rodney," Teyla smiled at him in greeting.

"Keller sent us to find you," Ronon told him blankly. "She needs you in the infirmary."

"Oh, okay."

He turned to face them, feeling cautious and suspicious. It was the first time he'd been face to face since Keller had told them about him and he was unsure of their reactions, Ronon's in particular. But Teyla was apparently unfazed as she walked directly up to him and hugged him tightly for a few minutes. Surprised, Rodney hugged her back automatically. When she drew back and squeezed his biceps with a warm smile on her face, he blinked at her in surprise.

"Surely you did not think we would desert you because of this Rodney," she chided gently. "I have seen many strange things since my arrival in Atlantis, and this isn't one of the strangest yet. You have nothing to fear from me."

Stunned, he swallowed then nodded, managing a small smile for her generosity.

"I guess I thought...well, thank you," he stuttered. "I appreciate that."

"It is no trouble, my friend," she said before leaning her head forward.

Rodney, surprised and touched by this, immediately touched his forehead to hers. It felt...good to be a part of their team, and it always had, but there had been many times when he hadn't felt like he was a _part _of the team, like there was always something setting him aside from the other three members. To have Teyla let him know so openly and plainly that she saw him as a friend and surrogate family was a comfort indeed.

"Mckay," Ronon interrupted gruffly.

He straightened and looked at the huge man, with his dreadlocks and his thick, liquid steel muscles a little apprehensively.

"We need to get going," was all he said.

Rodney swallowed his fear and nodded. It was time to face his reckoning, it seemed and for a moment it seemed that he was weak from fear. But Teyla's hand was warm underneath his elbow, and Sam, who had stood silent witness for the last few minutes, was behind him.

Slowly, he followed Ronon back into the halls of Atlantis. They didn't walk quickly; instead they strolled, as if they were taking a leisurely walk in the park. He was thankful for their company and their silent support of him. As they neared the infirmary though, his apprehension grew until he felt like he would choke on it and he paused outside the infirmary doors.

"I uh..."

"It's okay, Rodney." Teyla told him, her eyes understanding. "I'm sure everything will go well and you'll be back with us in no time."

"Right," he nodded. "Of course. I'll be fine."

But he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince though and he wished suddenly that Sheppard was around. He really could have used his calm confidence and his easy manner right then. Instead he attempted to smile normally at them.

"Right. Well, I guess I'd better..." he said, pointing towards the infirmary.

Teyla smiled and hugged him briefly.

"I'll see you when you wake, Rodney."

Sam touched his arm and smiled before leaving with Teyla. Rodney hesitated and looked at Ronon with apprehension. The big man was leaning against the doorway in a manner that was similar to Sheppard and yet so different in the same instant.

He was about to say something when Ronon straightened from his slouch abruptly and he tried not to flinch when a large hand descended on his shoulder.

"Only you could get yourself into such a mess," Ronon said his face completely devoid of emotion. A moment later though, a small smile broke out on his face. "Good luck though. I'm sure if anyone can get himself out, it's you."

With that, Ronon turned and disappeared down the hallway, leaving Rodney gaping after him. For a few long minutes he hung around the door to the infirmary before a harassed looking Keller appeared.

"There you are. It's time to start prepping you for surgery," she exclaimed, before touching his elbow. "Rodney? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he replied absently, glancing down the hallway before allowing himself to be led into his room.

* * *

_Rodney had witnessed his first meteorite shower when he was twelve years old. Sure, he'd always been interested in science, in the strange reactions and interactions between the different bodies that made up the universe, but he'd become obsessed with space since witnessing that shower._

_He'd been sitting on the grass in the back yard with Jeannie. Her little body had been huddled up under his arm, and together they'd stared at the lines of fire streaking across the night sky. Beyond that, the stars had shone like bright white beacons. But those meteors, with their deadly speed and the fire that burned them reminded him of something that he had always wanted; freedom, and a way out of the dull existence of normal life. Sure, he had a few friends, and he had Jeannie, but apart from that there wasn't much that could hold his attention for long._

_But those meteors, they burned bright and fast and they were unstoppable, and he thought to himself that if he could just be like they were then things wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he would be free for a change, and he could do whatever he wanted, race around the world and see everything there was to see. _

_In the back ground, his parents shouting reached a crescendo and there was the sound of shattering crockery. Jeannie huddled closer to him, his big eyes solemn and serious as they looked upwards towards the heaven._

_Rodney had smiled to himself, and let the fascination and wonder drown out the sound of a marriage breaking down._

* * *

He wasn't even awake properly when Rodney realized that he felt horribly, unbearable sick, and his body rebelled by vomiting violently. It barely registered that he'd just been sick all over himself and his bed, because he felt so terrible that all he could do was moan and blink groggily up at the ceiling. Nothing mattered except the aching in his body.

There were loud voices nearby and suddenly he was looking up into John Sheppard's face. He opened his mouth to try and say something, but a hand reached up and pressed against his forehead.

"Easy Rodney, just take it easy. There's someone coming to help you," he said soothingly.

"'on't feel s'good," he groaned in response. His stomach was burning again and he fought the urge to wretch dryly because his stomach was killing him slowly. It felt like he was being burned from the inside out.

Someone else appeared at his bedside (Keller) and looked down at him.

"Rodney, you've had a reaction to the anesthesia," she told him, glancing at something off to her left. "I know you feel pretty bad right now but we're going to get you cleaned up and give you something for the nausea."

"Nn..." was all Rodney could say in response as he closed his eyes and gave in to the insistent pull of sleep.

* * *

_Rodney's father had always tried to get him more involved in sports when he was a child, always signing him up for football and soccer and ice hockey teams in a vain attempt to get him addicted to some form of masochism or another. When it had become clear that Rodney was academically gifted, rather than physically, his father soon left off and lost interest in him._

_Jeannie, however, was a different matter. Their mother was persistent enough to keep trying, all throughout her childhood and teenage years, to get Jeannie to be more feminine. But Jeannie was even more stubborn than Rodney, and sneaky to boot. She was the one always running off to join some roller hockey game or beating up the boys in the play ground. She was always feisty, always independent, and it wasn't long before Rodney stopped being her protector. _

_It was something that he resented for many years, because way before she had reached teenage hood she had stopped needing his protection and started to go her own way. Rodney had stopped feeling needed and started feeling angry. For many years, he had been her shelter against the volatile storm that was their parent__'__s relationship. And it had shown; soon after the wall between them had started to grow, Rodney and Jeannie themselves had started arguing and rather than try to mend things between them, Rodney had taken the path of least resistance and fought back. They competed over everything; academic grades, friends, games. The prank wars had been hellish, both of them being astoundingly resourceful. It was just more fuel to add to the fire that was the Mckay family. It didn__'__t help that they both had rather short tempers either, and even shorter fuses._

_There was one time when Rodney had actually considered walking out and never looking back. He spent a lot of time alone, while Jeannie had friends constantly staying over. His parents had been on the verge of divorce at that time, and Rodney couldn't remember ever feeling as bitter and as isolated as he had then._

_The day of his university graduation, Rodney had been alone. All around him, there were families and friends celebrating before the ceremony, but he had stood all by himself, frowning and pretending to read the program. His mother had flat out told him that she wasn't going to attend; instead, she was spending the day at a spa with her friends where they would undoubtedly drink too much and squawk and squeal over every little perceived injustice they had to suffer. His father had said, in a distracted and annoyed tone, that he would try his best to attend but that he was very busy with business meetings the entire day._

_And Jeannie, well. They'd had a spectacular fight the other day, over absolutely nothing and she was refusing to speak to him at all. _

_Rodney was graduating alone. He sat in the warm sun, stubbornly ignoring everyone and telling himself that it was the best thing that had happened to him; he was finally free. He could go where he liked, live where he liked, but most importantly, he could leave the war zone that was his home and find himself somewhere to claim for himself._

_But as he accepted his diploma and went to leave the stage, he caught sight of a head of golden curls and knew that it was Jeannie. She was standing right at the back, underneath the shade of a large tree and partially hidden in the large crowd of people standing up. She looked uncomfortable and out of place, hugging herself with dark sunglasses hiding her blue eyes, but that didn't matter to Rodney, because she was there and that simple fact made his heart just a little bit lighter for awhile._

_She disappeared as the ceremony ended, but that didn't bother Rodney all that much because he knew that he still had one ally in a world full of pitfalls and traps, and what a precious ally she was._

_A few years later he had screwed up royally, and lost her to bitter words and stupid silences. Rodney lost his only ally in a fit of stubborn, righteous anger, and he never really forgave himself for that or her for letting him go so easily_

* * *

The next time Rodney woke up, he was more aware of his surroundings and spent his first few minutes of consciousness thinking to himself that he was getting really tired of waking up in the infirmary and staring up at the ceiling.

After that, he tried to figure out what he was really feeling. Trying unsuccessfully to move, he came to the conclusion that he felt like someone had wrapped him in a cocoon of cotton candy. His head felt fuzzy, and he wasn't really feeling much in his body apart from an odd tingling in his limbs. He swallowed and cleared his throat cautiously, and there was a flurry of activity off to his left. A moment later, he was looking up into the familiar face of Doctor Keller.

"Rodney," she smiled at him before she carefully began to fiddle with his IV. "How are you feeling? Any better?"

Rodney had to actually think about her question for a few minutes before finally grimacing and saying the only thing that came to mind.

"...fuzzy," he said slowly, the words feeling funny in his mouth. "I think."

"That would be the excellent drugs I've got you on. You're not feeling any pain at all I imagine." She replied, pulling her stethoscope on and listening to his heart.

"The good stuff?" he asked slowly.

"Yup, the good stuff," she confirmed, straightening and attaching a blood pressure cuff to his arm. He didn't even notice the cuff as it tightened on his arm because he was too busy frowning at the ceiling.

"Shouldn't you be...off doing stuff?" he asked. He wasn't feeling very eloquent, and the questions he wanted to ask were muted in his mind and slow in the forming. There was something important he should be thinking about, he knew, but he couldn't quite grasp it.

"Doing stuff?" she echoed with a chuckle. "This is what I do, Rodney. I look after people who need looking after."

"But why were you..." he waved a careless hand over to his left and watched intently as she frowned at him in confusion.

"Why was I...sitting there?" she asked for clarification and he nodded. "It was my break. Besides, I wanted to be here when you woke up. To make sure you didn't...freak out or anything."

"Oh." he thought about that for a few minutes as she bustled about checking the various machines around him and testing his reactions.

"I know you're feeling a little..."fuzzy" and confused at the moment. That's just the drugs," she informed him when she had finished. "You're going to get tired really easily for a few days, so you'll probably be falling asleep a lot."

"I was sick before wasn't I?" he asked as the foggy memory came back to him.

"Yes you were. Your body was reacting to the anesthesia you had when we operated. It's a very common reaction, and quite a few people react in the same way. It's nothing to be concerned about," she answered as she wrote something on his chart.

"Okay," he agreed, as he suddenly felt a wave of drowsiness flood over him.

"I can see that you're tired, so get some sleep. We'll talk more when you're feeling more awake," she told him kindly as she got ready to leave.

Rodney reached out and clumsily grabbed her wrist as he fought to keep his eyes open.

"Where's John?" he murmured.

"Colonel Sheppard?" she frowned. "He's...busy right now. But he'll be back to visit you very soon, I imagine. In fact, I've had a hard time prying him from your side for the past week."

"Uh huh."

Rodney's eyes were firmly closed by then, and he thought sleepily to himself that they would stay like that for quite awhile.

A cool hand rested on his forehead.

"Go to sleep Rodney. You're doing just fine."

Rodney, never one to obey anyone's orders without question and debate, did so without fuss.

* * *

_He'd been working over some project in Area 51 when Rodney fell in love for the first time. Her name had been Anna, and she was a gorgeous woman with dead straight blond hair down to her waist and legs that seemed to go on for miles. She was some kind of forensic scientist, so he had no idea what she was doing there. _

_Rodney had been bent over his work bench, trying without much success, to pry apart some piece of alien technology. He couldn't remember what it had turned out to be, because from the moment he'd first laid eyes on her, he'd been smitten. _

_The doors to the huge lab he'd been working on had opened to admit a noisy gaggle of people, and he'd looked up in frustration, getting ready to give them his usual tongue lashing. But in the middle of a bunch of fat, ugly and lecherous old scientists had stood this blond bombshell that had made his heart near explode in his chest._

_And despite everything, they got along like a house on fire. They ended up working on a project that required long, arduous hours of endless work together and for the first time in his life he hadn't minded in the least. She had put up with his lousy living habits and bad manners with a good humor and amusement that had surprised even him. Anna had always been able to come up with amazing solutions and quirky comebacks at the drop of a hat and day by day he had fallen even more in love with her._

_For awhile it had seemed like she was interested in him too. They went on a few dates, spent plenty of time together and had even slept together after a few too many drinks. In the morning, she had been gone and Rodney had found a note in her place. He hadn't ever seen her again and he had nursed his broken heart like an injury, falling into a black mood that had taken weeks to break out of. _

_Rodney learnt how to survive by himself after that._

* * *

"Hey, I think he's waking up."

"Well, it's about freaking time!" a loud voice announced, breaking into Rodney's peaceful slumber all too suddenly. "How long has he been sleeping for already?"

"Ronon, he's just had a major operation," Teyla's mild voice replied, much more quietly. "He needs time to rest and recuperate properly..."

"He needs to get off his lazy ass so we can go back to having _normal _missions," Ronon grumbled. "I swear, if we get that same idiot scientist we had for this mission I swear I'll kill him with my bare hands."

"I'm not so sure Doctor Mckay would appreciate you maiming one of his scientists," Teyla told him coolly.

Rodney wished they would go away. He'd been sleeping so peacefully, floating along in a comfortable doze before he'd become aware of their voices. When he thought about it though, he realized that a few things were different.

His body was aching, his stomach in particular, but somehow he knew that it wasn't as bad as it could be. And he was actually awake this time, not groggy and confused. But that deep weariness was still there, and he knew that he could quite easily go back to sleep until he wasn't so tired. It would be impossible with his noisy visitors though, so made an effort to open sluggish eyes.

For a minute he squinted at the ceiling, and hated it immensely. His vision was all blurry but as he blinked it slowly righted itself. Slowly, and with a grimace as his neck twinged painfully, he turned his head to look at his guests.

Ronon was seated on the floor with his back against the wall as he tossed a tennis ball idly, a scowl on his face and a white bandage over his forehead. He looked decidedly disgruntled and rather annoyed, which was a surprise to Rodney.

Teyla sat on one of his chairs, looking towards Ronon as she chastised him gently. She was also looking a little worse for wear, with a stark white bandage around one forearm and a nasty looking cut trailing across her neck.

John was sitting closest to him, sprawled in his chair with his feet up on Rodney's bed. He was busy reading a magazine with his forehead wrinkled. Luckily, he didn't look like he was too badly hurt, save for some dark bruising along his right cheekbone and eye.

Rodney blinked again to clear his vision and licked his lips.

"This is a hospital," he said, surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded. "Isn't there a rule somewhere about keeping quiet?"

The response he got was almost comical. Ronon dropped his ball; Teyla's head whipped around in surprised while John's whole body started in surprise and his feet fell off Rodney's bed as his magazine clattered to the floor, forgotten.

"Rodney," John smiled, the joy on his face making Rodney want to smile himself. "You're awake."

He may not have been feeling his best, but Rodney still had the strength to roll his eyes.

"I'm getting the strangest sense of deja vu. Haven't we had a conversation about this before?"

"I'm thinking we're going to be having it a lot more in the future," John grinned as he sat forward in his chair.

"God help me," Rodney muttered, closing his eyes for a moment. Sadly, all desire to sleep had been chased away and he was fully awake. He was rather pleased to find his entire team keeping him company, and their obvious happiness at seeing him awake made him feel all warm inside.

"How are you feeling, Rodney? Keller says that you've been a little sick from the..." Teyla frowned as she tried to remember the word.

"Anesthesia," John supplied, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms.

"Yes, that was it."

"Mmmm...ask me again in awhile. I'm still not sure I'm quite awake yet," Rodney said. Slowly, he eased himself a little more upright in the bed, wincing as he felt the pull of stitches in his abdomen. There was no pain though, and Rodney figured that Keller had lowered his dosage of painkillers but not taken him off them completely. He wondered, idly, just how long she'd keep him as her guest in the infirmary.

"You okay? Do you need help?" John asked, slightly anxious if the look on his face was anything to go by.

Rodney shook his head slowly, regretting it a moment later as it throbbed uncomfortably.

"No, I'm good."

Relaxing back once more, he looked over his team mates again. They looked tired, but clean so they'd obviously recently returned from a mission that hadn't gone so well, and they'd had time to change and shower.

"When did you start going on missions again?" he asked.

He wasn't sure how he felt about them taking mission when he was on temporary leave. It made him feel...anxious, partly because he wasn't there to watch over their backs and lying there and waiting for results had never been his style. In fact, it made him decidedly edgy and slightly resentful.

"We're not," John replied.

"Really?" Rodney raised skeptical eyebrows before he could continue. "Where'd you get that bruise from then? And what happened to Ronon's head and Teyla's arm?"

"You've not been awake for more than five minutes and you're already shooting your mouth off," John frowned, though the twinkle in his eyes belayed his words. "I was _going _to say that we're taking a bit of time off to get things organized around here while you're on leave, but Sam had a situation that called for a little back up and she wanted us to go."

"And she made us take one of your stupid scientists along with us," Ronon broke in with a glare. "What was his name again? Corris?"

"Cameron?" John questioned, looking at Ronon for clarification.

"Corrin," Rodney corrected tiredly, trying to fight his smile. "What did he do?"

"Started trying to tell us what to do, then criticized every decision Sheppard made," Ronon replied straightforwardly. "And then complained constantly when we didn't listen to him. When things turned ugly he turned into a big crying, shaking ball."

"I must agree with Ronon," Teyla put in. "I do not believe this Corrin of yours is suited to fieldwork."

"And I am?" Rodney scoffed.

"Well, it took me awhile to get you housebroken, but at least now you can follow the simplest of orders," John admitted with a wicked smile.

"I'm going to ignore your attempts to bait a sick man into an argument, Colonel." Rodney mock-scowled at his friends. "I'll have a word with Corrin."

"And by have a word with, you mean yell at him right? Until he starts crying again?" Ronon asked hopefully.

"I'll see what I can do."

"Great." Ronon grinned fiercely, and Rodney got the sneaking suspicion that when such a conversation did go down, there would be a Satedan man lurking somewhere nearby.

There was a brief interlude where Ronon threw the ball at the back of John's head, only to have it promptly confiscated by Teyla. The ensuing lively conversation/argument had Rodney's ears ringing and his head spinning, overwhelmed. But the truth was he was feeling a lot better than he had in awhile, having them there and them acting so normally around him.

There was a pressing question in his mind though, and after fifteen minutes of listening to them tell him about the goings on in Atlantis, he couldn't hold his tongue any longer.

"So what has Keller told you guys about the operation?" he asked, directing his question more at John than the other two.

Their talking ceased and Rodney found himself growing nervous.

"She hasn't said anything to us, Rodney," Teyla said gently. "I'm sure she wants to talk to you before she tells anyone else the results."

"All that doctor patient confidentiality stuff, you know how it is," John put in. "I'm willing to bet that she wants you to be the one to tell us the good news yourself.

"Yeah." Rodney agreed quietly. "Maybe."

But there was a sneaking suspicion in Rodney's gut that was telling him otherwise.

TBC


	7. Long, Long Way From Home

**Chapter Six:** Long, Long Way From Home

_When every boat_

_Has sailed away_

_And every path_

_Is marked and paved_

_When every road_

_Has had its say_

_Then I'll be bringing you back_

_Home to stay _

_- _Josh Groban, Home To Stay

* * *

Rodney stared at the ceiling dully and wondered for the umpteenth time when he would be getting back to the old reality because whatever sick joke he was involved in had gone way past the point of funny. He had foolishly thought that the whole thing would be over, that he could go back to work and live his life as he always had, he'd been wrong, again.

As he'd already decided, he was being punished for something and obviously the punishment hadn't ended just yet. Not for the first time he wondered where his life had gone so wrong and what he had done to deserve all the bad things that had happened. Maybe it was him being too self centered; maybe it could have happened to anyone and he had just been having a bad day. Or a bad year, depending on how you looked at it. But once thing was for certain, he wouldn't wish his fate on anyone, no matter how bad a person they were.

The operation had been unsuccessful. When Keller had attempted to remove the...thing from his stomach, the device attached to his spine had gone haywire. His heart rate had sky rocketed and then stopped altogether. It had taken them three minutes to get it started again, and Keller had promptly called it quits. She had learned more about the device and the corresponding womb though, but that did little to cheer Rodney up.

It had been a day ago since she had told him. He'd had more tests run, more scans done but it was clear that nothing could be done for him and he'd be forced to live with the abomination within him for the rest of his life.

At first he'd been numb. He hadn't been able to speak, his mind had frozen and he had gone into total shock. He'd been so confident that everything would work out all right, but it seemed that his luck had finally run out on him.

Rodney had refused visitors for the entire day because he couldn't look anyone in the eye. The black depression that had enveloped him on his return to Atlantis had returned, crushing the breath out of him and making him think things that should have scared him, but didn't.

He didn't know what to do with himself anymore. A part of him wanted to bury himself somewhere, in some dark hole and never show his face again. The shame of it all made him want to cry, and the anger at the injustice of it all threatened to rip him apart at any moment.

And the truth of it all, the bare, harsh truth was that he could never go back to his old life; he could never be the old Mckay that everyone knew and hated. It would never be that simple again. He'd have to live with his dirty little secret and pray to god that no one ever found out back on Earth. Rodney had no desire to go back to living in captivity again, like a lab rat to be poked at and studied. He would rather die. If it came down to that he'd do it without a moment's hesitation.

Keller had sent Dr Heightmire to him that afternoon, probably in the hopes that she could help him out of the rut he had fallen into.

She had sat there in her chair, beautiful and calm and demure, and Rodney had hated her with every fiber of his being. She was so normal, a single person with everything as it should be, and he had been transformed into something to be repulsed. If he had to live and hate himself for the rest of his life, he would undoubtedly go insane.

Kate Heightmire had sat there and talked to him in that soft, understanding voice of hers, telling him that none of it was his fault, and that there was nothing he could do to change it but he could learn to live with it and other such nonsense. Rodney hadn't said a word and eventually, she had left him in peace.

He had already considered something drastic, like suicide, but there was a part of him that was horrified at such a notion and he dismissed the idea almost instantly. Besides, there was no way he could do that to the few people that cared about him. Especially John, who had come to mean so much to him in such a short amount of time. The man who was so perfect with all his imperfections had come to mean everything to Rodney, and in light of the recent events happening around him, Rodney wasn't afraid to admit that he was hopelessly in love with him.

Even that was impossible though, because John Sheppard was everything Rodney Mckay was not. Smart and sexy, popular and a good man who knew right from wrong instinctively and who always put others needs before his own.

Rodney knew that his time in Atlantis would come to an end eventually, because there was no way he could stay so close to John and know that his feelings were one sided. He was a selfish person, he knew that, and he couldn't seem to see past his own problems no matter how hard he tried.

The door to his room opened unexpectedly, and John himself walked in, dressed in his usual uniform of baggy grey cargo pants, a tight black t-shirt that made Rodney's mouth water and his combat boots. Rodney immediately cursed internally for jinxing himself and stubbornly turned his face away from his friend.

So he was shocked when his blankets were abruptly ripped from his body and a rush of cold air hit him. He yelped and scrambled to pull them back, feeling angry and embarrassed and shy at being caught in nothing but his hospital scrubs which were entirely unflattering.

John just stood there for a long moment watching him before he broke out into a grin with the blankets still clutched in his hand.

"Get up. I've got something to show you."

Rodney glared blackly at him, feeling the insane urge to just growl at him and bury himself under his blankets. But knowing Sheppard, he wouldn't give in until he got what he wanted, just like the annoying little kid he was.

"Piss off, John," he snapped for arguments sake. "I'm not in the mood."

"I don't care. C'mon, Keller's said you've been released. Let's go," John replied calmly.

Rodney didn't move a muscle. "John, I don't give a flying fuck what you're trying to do but I want to be left alone okay? I want you to walk out that door and don't come back. Leave."

"Can't do that Rodney. I'm under strict orders," John replied. "Now take your fangs out of my throat and get up. It's almost dinner time and you have to have a shower and get changed."

"No."

Rodney had known that Sheppard was stubborn. Hell, they'd argued about anything and everything, and almost every time it had come down to a battle of the wits and seeing who could outlast the other when it came to plain old pig headedness.

He wasn't expecting Sheppard to grab his arm and cheerfully manhandle him (rather gently considering what he was doing) off the bed. Before he could form a sentence, Rodney had been bundled into his dressing gown and was being led out of the door. John hadn't released his arm and he found himself being hauled unceremoniously down the hall way at a rather slow pace.

It had been almost a week since his surgery and while all they had done was cut him open and then sew him up again, he had been sore for most of that time. Keller had weaned him off the painkillers after a couple of days and made him walk around the infirmary several times each day. So he wasn't in much pain or discomfort, though he could feel the slight pull of the healing wound with every step he took.

Rodney gave a half hearted twist of his arm in an attempt to free himself, but John's grip was firm and his stride steady.

"Let go of me," he said quietly, feeling extremely uncomfortable as they passed several groups of personnel on their steady trip through Atlantis' halls.

"I asked you nicely the first time Rodney," John replied pleasantly. "I have no desire to go running after you when you decide to make a break for it."

"Oh please," Rodney snapped. "I hardly think I'm in any position to be running anywhere."

"True."

"Where are you taking me?" he asked after a moment when Sheppard wasn't going to say anything else.

"I'm taking you back to your quarters. I told you I have something to show you."

"John..." Rodney sighed tiredly. "Please. I don't want to do this now. I'm tired..."

"You're not tired Rodney," John refuted just as quietly. "Keller told me you've locked yourself in that room all day and whenever she looked in on you, you were resting. I think a little walk won't hurt you."

John was obviously in one of his stubborn moods, using that calm, steady voice he used to negotiate between bickering staff members and stubborn village elders. Rodney had learnt by experience that when John got into one of those moods, it was best just to let him do what he wanted because nothing would change his mind.

So that was how he ended up being dragged bodily through Atlantis towards the living quarters. He wasn't surprised when John took him straight to his quarters, which he had barely seen since his return.

Rodney said nothing as John waved his hand and led him inside. He stared in surprise when he saw his apartments though. All of his boxes had been unpacked, but there was a new set in their place, stacked neatly against one wall.

"What..." he started to say but stopped when he saw John's grin. "What did you do?"

"It's true that Keller agreed to release you, but both she and Heightmire had conditions."

"Conditions?" Rodney asked suspiciously. "What kind of conditions?"

"They don't want you to be living alone so...I'm your new housemate!" John announced all too cheerfully. "I volunteered when I heard they weren't going to release you and they agreed."

"Why?" Rodney asked bitterly.

"Why? What do you mean why?" John seemed genuinely confused, but he hadn't lost that calculating and stubborn look of his. Rodney was in for a fight, but he wasn't sure if he was up to it. Living with John would be...awkward. Not only would Rodney drive him to distraction within days, but he wasn't sure if he could live so closely with the man he loved and not have him in every way. It was so unfair and yet...being so close to him was everything he wanted. He could shut out the world in his little apartment, just him and John. The whole thing made him nervous.

"Why would you volunteer for this? You know what I'm like. I'm going to drive you insane," Rodney replied as he looked around his apartment. He avoided looking towards the room that John would be occupying.

"If it was going to happen it would have already," John replied easily as he flopped down into one of the chairs in the main room. Rodney stayed on his feet, wandering around and reacquainting himself with his space. Or their space, as it was. The balcony doors were closed, and beyond them, he could see heavy storm clouds building on the horizon, illuminated gloriously in gold and red by the setting sun.

"That's not the point."

"Well, what is your point then?" John asked as he flipped casually through a magazine that wasn't Rodney's. "The way I see it, it's a win win situation. You get out of the infirmary and I get a bigger, nicer set of rooms. My old one had a problem with electricity. The lights kept flickering on and off."

"Why didn't you say something? I would've had someone..." Rodney asked sharply. The conversation was starting to wear on his temper and he really was feeling tired and depressed and in desperate need of some food.

"It's not relevant Rodney. Look, lets just try it for awhile and if it doesn't work out then we'll sort something else out," John told him, standing up. "Unless there's some other reason why you don't want this. Is there?"

Rodney avoided looking at John and shrugged. Despite the obvious reservations he had about it, there wasn't much he could do about it and John was good company - interesting and funny and easy going - so really, it shouldn't have been a problem. It just felt like everyone was trying to run his life, trying to tell him how he should feel. John was probably innocent of any of that kind of thing seeing as he had volunteered for Rodney's benefit.

He really wasn't fit for any kind of company, no matter how good they were.

"No." Rodney replied slowly. "Look, I'm probably not fit to be around right now..."

"Understandable."

"So it's your funeral if you want to do this. Now if you don't mind I'm going to have a shower."

He turned his back to him and made his way towards his bathroom.

"Hey Rodney," John said. His voice had lost that light, teasing quality and had lowered, deep and rough. "How are you doing? Are you okay?"

Rodney exhaled slowly, trying to hold it all together. He wanted to blurt out that he wasn't fine, that he was far from fine and that he felt like he was breaking up, but he couldn't do that. Not if he wanted to keep any shred of dignity or respect for himself.

He couldn't help his shoulders from slumping slightly, nor the burning in his eyes.

"I'm fine."

"Bullshit," John said. "You wanna talk about it?"

The one person who studiously avoided emotions or touchy feely moments wanted to talk about his problems. He shouldn't really have been surprised because he had seen this gentler side of John every now and then.

"Not really." he paused, wanting to give him _something _for his efforts. "Ask me again sometime."

"Okay."

Rodney walked into the bathroom, closed the door behind him and slid down in until he was sitting on the floor. He wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his forehead on them, wishing that the floor would open and swallow him up.

* * *

_Rodney was alone._

_He sat, huddled in the corner of his small plastic holding cell, lit by dark blue lights. His cell sat inside a larger room. The walls were see through, and sometimes strange people dressed completely in white, with masks and dark glasses covering their faces would sit and watch him for hours on end._

_He felt nauseous and his stomach was rolling constantly. The fear had abated somewhat, when he had learned that they weren't going to hurt him in some horrible way. He'd grown used to it, grown used to the feeling of being trapped and claustrophobic. _

_But he was always alone._

* * *

Rodney woke up screaming that night. He hadn't realized he'd been screaming out loud until John had burst in, dressed only in boxer shorts and holding his nine mil.

Rodney was sitting up in bed covered in sweat and breathing hard. He had been crying, and his chest was heaving as he struggled to breathe and forget his unconscious devastation.

He wasn't sure what he had been dreaming about. It had come and gone in flashes but he could remember the feeling of being watched and a terrible loneliness.

For a stunned moment, he just stared at John, who was staring back at him. It took several minutes for his breathing to slow and his heart to stop racing. He had to swallow several times before he could talk. His voice was hoarse and thready when he did.

"I'm okay. Sorry for waking you up," He murmured, trying so very hard not to dissolve into tears.

"It's not a problem. How bad was it?" came John's voice from the darkness. He had relaxed a little, and his gun was lowered, making Rodney want to sigh out loud in relief.

"It was...It was strange."

"Think you can go back to sleep?"

Rodney sensed rather than saw John move closer, his footsteps silent and his movements careful. It didn't stop his heart from picking up his pace. He became acutely aware of himself tangled hopelessly in his sheets and dressed only in boxers and a t-shirt. He couldn't bear to look at himself and he was suddenly glad for the shirt. John didn't need to see his very visible scars as he was already getting a thorough viewing of the invisible ones.

"Yeah. I think so."

"I'll stay with you."

John's voice was steady and firm, and Rodney didn't put up a fight. Not that he wanted to, because being alone was the last thing he wanted just then.

"Okay..." he whispered, swallowing his misery and knowing that sleep would be impossible.

John moved closer until he was standing at the side of his bed. Rodney looked up at him and swallowed as he scooted over to the other side.

John settled his lanky form on the bed, propped up against the wall behind. Rodney had rolled onto his side away from John, his back pressing against the warmth of John's thigh. After a moment, a hand settled onto his shoulder and a thumb rubbed gently back and forth. Despite his fear, Rodney felt himself slowly becoming drowsy, but he kept his eyes open and watched the storm clouds rolling closer to Atlantis.

"John?" he whispered, as his eyes slowly slid closed, the promise of sleep overwhelming him suddenly.

"Hm?"

"Thanks..."

The sound of the first drops of rain hitting Atlantis was the lullaby that soothed Rodney into a dreamless, restful sleep.

* * *

The following day dawned gloomy with rain and wind battering the walls and windows of Atlantis. Rodney had woken up clear headed and alone; John had obviously returned to his room sometime after he had fallen asleep and had already left for his shift.

Rodney padded out of the bathroom and over to windows. After only a moment of hesitation, he opened the door with a quick mental command and stepped out into the bad weather. It was freezing out, the wind blowing in gusts and the rain pouring down like sharp needle points.

But the ferocity of it, the wild unpredictability made him feel normal. It matched how he was feeling inside, and he knew that he just had to wait it out. Eventually, the storm would pass and things would be okay. The sun would shine again on Atlantis and it would on him too, if he was patient enough.

Within moments, Rodney was soaked to the skin and shivering, but he stepped over to the railing and looked down. His room was very high, about thirty stories up. Beneath him, huge waves lashed angrily at the foundations of Atlantis.

He turned his face up towards the sky and squinted through the rain at the low hanging, black clouds. Thunder and lightning rumbled about in their depths and he marveled at the raw power of the storm. It reminded him of when he was a child, huddled together with Jeannie in his bed and listening to the rain on the roof. She had been scared of the thunder, he remembered, and as it had crashed and roared about he had told her wild stories about princesses who fought battles and defeated evil witches. She had always listened, wide eyed and grinning and hanging onto his every word.

She had worshipped him as a big brother and protector for many years. That had been a long time ago, and things were very different now that they were both grown and living separate lives. Jeannie was raising a family of her own, and he was living in another galaxy where things got twisted around and nothing seemed to go as it was supposed to. Somehow they'd always made it through, but never without sacrifices. Rodney wondered just how much they would have to sacrifice before things became alright again. He himself had already paid a great price, both physically and emotionally, and he wasn't sure just what he could do in Atlantis anymore.

By the time he retreated back inside, Rodney was shivering and soaked to the skin, but feeling a little better than he had the day before. He lingered in the shower for only a little while, being careful to avoid taking notice of his body. He washed himself without looking, and he wondered just how long it would be until he could look at himself in the mirror again without being hating the person looking back at him.

Rodney dressed slowly and dried his hair with a towel as he ruminated over the beginnings of a plan. Nothing had captured his attention much recently, as he was unable to work on the current scientific projects going on, and he wasn't allowed to go off world with his team. There really wasn't much holding him there, and until he felt confident in himself once more, he doubted he would be much use to anyone.

Unsurprisingly, he was late to the meeting Sam had scheduled. Sheppard, Colonel Carter, Teyla, Keller, Zelenka and Dr Heightmire were already there and waiting for him. Trying not to flush as everyone's eyes turned towards him, he hurried to his seat next to Teyla and kept his eyes lowered.

"Sorry I'm late," he muttered.

"It's okay Rodney," Sam smiled at him. "We were just discussing the projects that each department is working on this morning. I know you're a little out of the loop but I thought you'd like to start getting up to date on things."

Rodney nodded his agreement and leaned back in his chair, listening half heartedly as Doctor Keller talked about the need for more medical supplies and staff shortages. He scribbled simple equations he'd memorized a long time ago without thinking about it, watching as his hand moved across the notepad in front of him. Used to be that he would sit at these meetings with his tablet, working on the problems his department was dealing with as he argued and debated the merits of each and every mission taken on. Instead it was Zelenka with the tablet, frowning as his hands moved furiously over the keypad.

Rodney didn't envy him, not really. It had been so long since he'd been the harried head of the Science and Engineering Department that he had forgotten just how stressful it could be. Zelenka looked a little worse for wear, but Rodney knew that he was coping. He would have to, in any case, because Rodney didn't have the physical or emotional strength to delve back into that pit of snakes just yet.

Almost without meaning to, Rodney glanced up to see if anyone was paying attention to him at all, but they were busy listening to Keller and his eyes caught on Sheppard, who was sitting opposite to him.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he slowly took in the long length of his legs stretching out beyond the cover of the table, and the way his plain black shirt clung and pulled across his muscled chest and shoulders. His smooth, tanned arms folded across his chest were the things of fantasy. That dark hair was messier than ever and Rodney thought that he had never seen anything so sexy. He wanted to bury his hands in it, to run his fingers through the fine strands to see if they were as silky as they looked. It was the sharp cut of his jaw, the way he always looked like he hadn't shaved and those lips that had Rodney swallowing and thinking dirty thoughts that weren't really appropriate in a room full of people.

He realized that he had become a little obsessed with John Sheppard, and he was starting to salivate like the thousands of women strewn across the Pegasus galaxy were. Rodney had one advantage that they didn't though; he was close friends with John, and none of them had ever been. So he could watch John and worship him silently every day that he saw him, and hope that he wouldn't notice. Rodney was too screwed up to be any good for anyone, he had always known that. It seemed that he had a knack for destroying anything good that ever happened to him, though it was never by choice. He had no desire to ruin John in anyway.

Rodney dropped his eyes slowly, looking back at the page of sloppy equations before him and asked himself when he would be able to get the equation that was his messed up life right.

The meeting dragged on, and Rodney found himself scribbling out more complicated equations, until the entire page was covered in his messy script. He refused to look at anyone for fear of seeing something in their eyes that would be a reflection of what he felt inside; disgust, shame and anger.

When Sam finally dismissed then, Rodney was one of the last to stand. He avoided Sheppard and Teyla all together and caught up with Kate Heightmire as she headed down one of the hallways.

"Uh...Doctor Heightmire?" he called out tentatively. She turned around and smiled at him.

"Rodney. How are you?"

"I'm...I'm good. I was wondering...do you have a few minutes?" he practically mumbled. He'd never felt so shy around her before. In fact, the only thing he'd ever shown around her was contempt and dismissal, and she had no reason to want to help him in any way. But the way he saw it, she was possibly the only neutral party there was in Atlantis and he knew that she was forbidden to disclose information regarding her patients which made her perfect for his needs.

"Of course Rodney," she nodded. "Is there something you'd like to discuss with me?"

"Yeah. Could we..." he glanced around, acutely aware of all the people around them. "Is there somewhere private we could go?"

"Will my office do?"

He nodded awkwardly and followed her down the hallway with his hands shoved in his pockets.

* * *

Kate waved him to a seat on one of her couches and he sat obediently. Kate's office was one of the nicest he had seen yet with big, open windows looking out over the ocean and the south side of Atlantis. Cream colored couches dominated most of the room, but a large, wooden desk and a bookshelf crammed full of books occupied one corner of the room.

"I was going to make some coffee. Would you like some?" She asked as she walked over to a small table on one side of the room.

"That would be great. Thank you."

Rodney wasn't used to trying to be polite, and he felt extremely uncomfortable in her office. But there was a tight knot in his chest that was threatening to suffocate the life out of him, an acute misery that just kept building with every moment that passed. His entire body was aching with it, and he was fighting tooth and nail to keep it all inside him. It was only a matter of time before the dam broke though, he knew that. Never had he been so completely destroyed by something before, never had he felt the urge to just break down and cry over the injustice of it all.

For his entire life, his father had always told him that men didn't cry and that only women and children could do that. He had made it a habit not to ever since he had been nine years old and broken his arm. When his father had shouted at him to stop crying, Rodney had sworn to himself that he wouldn't ever give anyone the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He hadn't shed any tears until he had arrived at Atlantis.

"So, I hear Colonel Sheppard is sharing quarters with you." Kate said conversationally as she waited for the coffee to brew. "How's that working out so far?"

Rodney was staring at his clasped hands, his elbows resting on his knees.

"Too soon to tell really," he replied, trying not to express his emotions in his voice. Amazingly, his voice came out steadier than he'd have thought. "I'm sure he'll run screaming within a couple of days."

She laughed quietly, though not unkindly.

"Milk? Sugar?" she asked as she poured the dark coffee. He inhaled the scent of strong coffee and realized just how much he had missed it.

"Both please. Two sugars."

She finished her preparations and carried both cups over.

"Thank you," Rodney accepted his cup carefully, taking a sip before setting it down on the small coffee table.

"So. What was it you wanted to talk to me about," she asked as she took a seat on one of the arm chairs opposite him. He watched as her long, graceful hands cradled her cup carefully. Maybe she was as much of a coffee addict as he had been.

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.

"I don't know where to start," he laughed hoarsely.

"Why don't you start at the beginning." she offered. "Strictly off the record. Friend to friend."

Rodney studied her for a long moment. "I wouldn't have thought you'd see me as a friend," he said eventually. "I've treated you pretty...badly in the past. I treated everyone...that's part of the problem though, I guess."

"Is that what's been bothering you?"

"It's part of it, I suppose. But I didn't come here to talk to you about that though," he replied. "I wanted to ask..."

"Ask what, Rodney? I'm all ears."

It took him a couple of minutes to formulate the words in his mind, and even then he wasn't sure if what he was doing was right. Articulating his thoughts was another matter, and he still wasn't sure if she was the right person to talk to. But he had to start somewhere and if he didn't do something then he knew he'd just slid backwards into that dark, gripping depression that was threatening.

"You were right before," he told her quietly. "I should have taken the time off. Now...I'm not sure what to do."

"If you had taken the time off then odds are you wouldn't have had anyone who knew how to help you when that device activated," she interrupted him gently.

"True," he admitted. "But still. I'm thinking of...leaving Atlantis for awhile. I need some time to think."

"Why do you think you need to leave to be able to do that? I was under the impression that you wanted to keep busy," she was watching him speculatively as she took another sip of coffee.

"I just...Things have become more complicated and I'm not much use to anyone like this. I think it would be best for everyone involved."

"Is that why you think you need to leave? Because you don't feel like you're useful to anyone while you're going through this?"

"Look. I don't need to be counseled through this decision; I just need you to tell Colonel Carter that you think it's a good idea. I need...I need to go back."

"Rodney," she sat forward and set her cup down. "You know I can't do that unless I have a valid reason for doing so. Why don't you tell me why you suddenly feel the need to leave and we can go from there?"

Rodney scowled at her. He should have known that it wouldn't be so easy. It never was with shrinks, and it seemed like things were never easy for him.

"I knew this was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come," he said as he stood up.

"Rodney, I'm only trying to help you. You came to me remember?" she reminded him gently. "I hardly think you would have done that if you didn't need someone to talk to. I'm offering you that; someone to listen. I know that you've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm here so you can unburden yourself of some of those thoughts. I promise I won't pry into anything you don't want to. Please. Have a seat and let's talk about this."

He should have known that she'd know exactly what to say to trap him there, because she had been dead right. The thoughts screaming in his head were becoming too much and he could hardly take it anymore.

Slowly, he resumed his seat and picked up his coffee again.

"Now, why don't you start with what made you change your mind?"

His mind flashed back to the previous night, with John sitting by his side as he fell back to sleep, his thigh warm against Rodney's back. He hadn't had anymore dreams after that, and he had slept peacefully right through to the morning. It spoke levels for the amount of trust he had for John and he knew that he needed to make some sort of effort, at least for John's sake rather than his own.

"I had a nightmare," he breathed. "I don't really remember what it was about just...bits and pieces in flashes. It scared me...pretty badly."

"Do you think it's connected to recent events?"

"I think...it might have been memories. From…you know, before."

She nodded. "It's not uncommon. It's a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress, as you probably know already. Suppressed memories of a traumatic event can surface weeks or months, sometimes even years after the actual event."

"So...you think I have this...Post Traumatic thing?" Rodney asked hesitantly.

"I think so. Dr Keller mentioned signs of it during your stay in the infirmary."

Rodney nodded slowly. "And does it involve other things?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know...depression maybe? And uh...other emotions?"

"They are common, yes. Are you experiencing these, Rodney?" she asked calmly.

It took Rodney a moment to work up the courage to answer and when he did, his voice was thick with unshed tears.

"I think so. I just...I don't know why this happened to me and I can't rationalize it or explain it like I can with everything else. Nothing about it adds up and I just...I can't...I don't know what to do any more," he blurted, as tears started to blur his vision and he started to hyperventilate a little. He rubbed shaking hands over his face in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. "I can't think, I can't breathe and now I've got this...this _thing _inside me and I don't know who I'm supposed to be..."

Rodney gave himself up to huge, choking sobs that wracked his entire body. He covered his face with his hands as he struggled to draw breath past his sobbing.

Moments later he was wrapped in soft arms, his head guided to a shoulder and he cried and cried, seemingly unable to stop. Kate was rocking him gently, murmuring softly in his ear but Rodney was past consolation, past being able to listen and he was reduced to basic functioning levels as he burrowed into her body heat, unable to do much else except cling to her, great wracking cries shaking his body and reducing him to a child like state of mind.

He wasn't sure how long they sat like that for but slowly, the overwhelming urge to cry tapered off, and he leaned against her, finally finding it easier to breathe at last. He felt slightly light headed and his nose was blocked, but he was pleasantly warm and his mind was calm again at last.

"Are you feeling a little better now?" she asked softly, still rocking them gently back and forth. He felt oddly docile and compliant, but it didn't change the sudden emptiness he felt inside. He looked out the window through eyes reddened and dry from crying, and watched the rain hitting the glass methodically.

"Not really," he whispered in reply.

"It'll take a while, and it may not be easy, but it will get better Rodney, I can promise you that," she said to him. "I can help you if you let me. Do you think that's possible?"

He nodded against her shoulder.

"Good. That's good, Rodney." she murmured, stroking his hair softly. "That's a good first step. Now, I'm going to recommend this leave for you, but it may take a day or two to get the process started. I think you need the time off. Where are you thinking of going?"

"I've been thinking about my sister."

"You want to visit her?"

"Yeah. We haven't...we weren't that close before...Before," he slurred out sleepily. "But I want to make it up to her, y'know? I've missed her."

"That sounds like a good idea. Tell you what; I'll talk to Sam, get your leave approved as soon as possible. Then when you come back, we can start working together to sort this mess out. How does that sound?"

"Sounds good," Rodney closed his eyes, exhausted for reasons he couldn't discern. "I'm sorry about this. I didn't mean to..."

"Don't be. It's perfectly all right," she soothed him gently rubbing his back. "It's what I'm here for, and it's better to let it out anyway."

"I never used to...My father always said..." he paused. "He was an asshole," was all he could think to say.

"That gives us something else to talk about, hm?" she laughed quietly. "How about you have a lie down here for awhile? Get some rest."

"Okay."

She carefully slid out of his embrace and guided him down onto the couch before she covered him with a blanket. He wasn't sure how long he dozed for, only that he was faintly aware of her moving around the room quietly, and murmuring softly to someone.

He was tired, emotionally and mentally, and what seemed like moments later he was being gently roused by the looming shape of John.

He rubbed his eyes sleepily, wanting to just close them and go back to sleeping, but John was gently insistent.

"Come on, sleeping beauty," he murmured quietly to him with a smile as he helped Rodney to sit up. "Let's get you to bed hmm? You can sleep some more there."

"'ohn?" Rodney rubbed at his face, trying to dispel his sleepy confusion.

"That's me," John smiled at him, and before he could register what was happened, his was on his feet and being led towards the door. He realized that he was leaning heavily on John, and that he really should try to walk by himself, but John wasn't complaining and before he knew it they were walking slowly down the hallways towards the living quarters.

"How're you doing, buddy?" John asked quietly, nodding to a pair of marines patrolling the corridor.

"'M tired."

"I figured. Dr Heightmire was worried about you."

"She shouldn't be. I'm fine," Rodney mumbled. John made a non-committal noise that didn't tell Rodney what he thought of that particular lie, but he let it pass without comment, too tired to think of anything to say.

"Come on, let's get you into bed," John said after a moment as they entered their shared quaters "You can sleep some more there."

Rodney's eyes were drooping as he sat down heavily on the edge of his bed. John crouched down at his feet and tugged off his boots before throwing them aside and standing up to help him out of his jacket. After that, Rodney lay down by himself, pillowing his head on one arm and curling onto his side. Warm blankets settled over his body, and he was aware of the room growing darker as John used a mental command to shade the windows.

A soft hand caressed his head briefly before he was left alone. Sleep drifted over his mind like a cloud of fog and Rodney let himself get lost within its depths.

* * *

_"I'm sorry Rodney," Keller was once again sitting in John's chair, but this time her countenance was grim. "We couldn't remove the device, or the uterus."_

_"I see."_

_"But there's something else as well," Keller swallowed, looking miserable and upset. _

_"What do you mean, there's something else?" Rodney demanded, slightly hysterical. "What else could have possibly gone wrong? Because I can't see how this can get any worse!"_

_"We ran some scans after the operation, to see if there was any damage from...well, you know. And I'm afraid that you're...pregnant. We found a fetus attached the wall of the...Well. I'm sure you know how pregnancy works in women normally..."_

_Rodney promptly leaned over the edge of the bed and vomited violently. Keller was at his side immediately, her hand on his back as she called for a nurse._

_"Rodney, I realize that this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I honestly don't know what to do from here. I can run some more tests, but..."_

_"Leave me alone," he gasped, as his stomach clenched painfully and he retched dryly. "Just leave me alone..."_

_"Rodney..." she sounded helpless, standing there as the nurses bustled about cleaning up and resituating him in his bed._

_"Don't tell anyone about this. Not even Colonel Carter, you hear me?"_

_Silently, she nodded and left._

* * *

_They never spoke, never whispered to each other as they watched. There was no way of knowing what they had in store for him. The anticipation had him on edge for weeks, but eventually even that faded until he was dull with exhaustion, weary of feeling so frightened all the time. _

_He never made a sound as they injected him with unknown substances, as they stuck him in different rooms, with different machines. He never asked what they were doing to him or why as they measured him, and monitored his heart rate or anything like that. It occurred to him much later that maybe he should have. Maybe he should have put up more of a fight, and he would have too, if he had known what they were doing to him._

_The silence was almost deafening at times, but at least it was better than listening to Wraith victims scream as they had the life sucked out of them. _

_Rodney wasn't sure which death was worse any more, if he would prefer to lose his mind in solitude or have the life ruthlessly ripped away from him, quick but no where near painless, until he died. He was starting to think the latter._

Rodney woke in a sweat, his heart pounding his tears on his face. He was still for a long moment, trying to catch his breath and calm down enough to go back to sleep but within moments he was making a mad dash for the toilet and losing whatever contents he had in his stomach.

TBC

A/N: I realize that Rodney's pregnancy might seem a bit sudden to some people, but don't worry, an explanation will follow as to how this happened. Please also note that I am playing around with formatting for the chapters and any input would be very helpful! Hope you enjoyed! Comments, constructive criticism and suggestions are welcomed, as always.

Please see prologue for standard disclaimer.


	8. The Way We Were

**Chapter Seven:** The Way We Were

_This must be the place, and still_

_Somehow it don't seem right_

_That something in the moon_

_Could change these endless days_

_To lonely nights_

_- _The Pogues, Blue Heaven

* * *

Kate was true to her word and within two days, Rodney was standing in front of the Stargate, watching it shimmer and swirl in front of him. Thankfully, Sheppard, Ronon and Teyla were out on a mission, so he didn't have to bother with awkward goodbyes, something he had never been great at.

How would he have done it anyway? 'I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, I'm slightly homesick, and oh, by the way, I'm pregnant?' That would've gone down well.

Slinging his pack over his shoulder, Rodney stepped through the Stargate without looking back to where he knew Sam and Kate were watching him from the overhead balcony. It was time to get free of the Stargate Command for awhile and get some perspective. And then he would decide what he would do after that.

Getting through the complex and Cheyenne Mountain was easier than he had anticipated. He went through the necessary paperwork and within a day he was stepping outside into the bright sun shine. For a moment, he closed his eyes, savoring the fresh air and sunlight. Then he was being bundled into a car and on his way to the airport.

It was a long and harrowing flight back to Canada during which Rodney found it impossible to get comfortable. He spent much of the journey looking out the window at the clouds cruising by, and the green stretch of the land below. It was so different from Atlantis that it felt...strange to be back, as if he was stuck somewhere that he shouldn't have been. He realized that Earth no longer felt like his home anymore, and that thought sickened him to the core; Atlantis was his home, and if he could never return there, then he would be royally screwed, wouldn't he?

After his embarrassing episode in Dr Heightmire's office a couple of days ago he had felt like he was off beat, as if the people around him were moving to one beat together, but he was out of time and out of place. He felt empty, all his previous anger and grief having been numbed by something infinitely more terrifying.

Touching down in Canada signaled the end of a long trip, literally from a galaxy away. He wanted nothing more than to collapse somewhere and sleep for the next two days, and his stomach was churning unpleasantly, but he still had a ways to go. So he collected his luggage and stepped out into the Canadian sunshine and signaled a cab.

* * *

The cabin sat on the edge of a lake that reflected the sky. There was a short, graveled driveway that led down to a dirt road and beyond that lay a wooden jetty that led out to the water. On the end of the jetty was a wooden bench, perfect for sitting there and fishing, if Rodney had been into that kind of thing.

There was a small front garden that was in bloom, with bright, fresh flowers releasing a tantalizing scent that teased his nose every time he set foot outside. The cabin itself was wooden, with a small porch and old, soft chairs on the porch that faced towards the vast blue lake. Inside the cabin was a different story.

There was a huge kitchen, and a living room to die for, enormous, plushy couches, a massive plasma TV and a monstrous fireplace. The bathrooms were luxurious (there were two) both with spa baths and large shower stalls with multiple nozzles. There were three bedrooms; two with king sized double beds and one with two single beds. All three had double doors leading to the outside, and all came equipped with TVs, stereos and cable TV.

It was really too big for one person, but that didn't bother Rodney at all. He had more than enough money, and he needed the space. The thing was though, that it was so completely different from Atlantis that it might just be what he'd needed. After all, he'd been experimented on by aliens, had an alien device planted within him and by some freaking use of advanced technology was now carrying a ch...fetus within himself, and finding such a secluded and peaceful place was enough of a sanctuary that he could forget for a little while.

The cabin was a ten minute drive from a small, rural town with everything he could possibly need. After the first two days by himself, either sitting out by the lake or relaxing inside with the television on, he started to feel guilty. He knew that John had been in contact with Jeannie pretty frequently since he'd been found, and she knew that he was still alive but she was probably wondering why he hadn't contacted her. The truth was that he wasn't ready to face his younger sister. Sure, they'd started to repair their long ago fractured relationship after that whole split reality thing, but he wasn't sure she'd be willing to forgive this most recent crime of his.

It wasn't until he was five days in that he finally started to feel lonely. Coincidently, it was then that one John Sheppard showed up at his door. He was beginning to think that the man had some sort of inbuilt sensor that kept track of him and his moods.

He wasn't exactly at his best when he answered the door, dressed in ratty old cargos, and a plain sweater; he'd been lounging around the house for most of the day, so he was unshaven and his hair was sticking up at odd angles, but even with that he looked better than John did.

The man's hair seemed duller than it usually did, his eyes lined with darkened circles that spoke of his fatigue. There was a huge duffle bag sitting at his feet, but the most shocking of all was the fact that there were two crutches under his arms, and he was favoring his left leg.

"Uh..." was the only thing he could think of to say.

"Hello to you too Rodney," John smiled, but it was utterly fake and devoid of any warmth. "Mind if I come in?"

And with that he swung forward, forcing Rodney to step back to allow him inside. Rodney stared after his friend, who was in the process of looking around, in shock and was fully aware of the awful fluttering of nervousness in his belly. Hastily, he grabbed John's duffle and shut the door, more loudly than he had intended to.

John whistled as he took in his surrounds.

"Quite the set up you've got for yourself here, Rodney," John said, a small smile on his face. "It's a little...big, for just one person isn't it?"

Rodney just stood behind him, fidgeting with the straps of John's bag.

"Everything's okay at Atlantis, isn't it?" he blurted eventually. "Everyone's okay?"

John swung around to look at him, and that hard, blank look on his face softened a little. It didn't take a genius like Rodney to figure out that he was pissed and a little disgruntled about something, and he knew that it was because of him that John had showed up in such a state. It made him uneasy and vulnerable, and more than a little self conscious, standing there in his scruffy clothes and facing down John's barely contained anger. He felt like a little kid who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar before dinner, although he knew that it was slightly worse than that.

"Everyone's fine Rodney," John replied, studying him steadily for a long moment before walking slowly a few steps further into the living room. Rodney had to admit, John got around on those crutches with an ease that was almost enviable. John was nothing if not adaptable, and it was intriguing to watch him adapt to any surroundings or situations.

"Good," he sighed, relived. "That's good."

He cleared his throat as John moved slowly around his temporary abode.

"So uh...what happened to you then?" he asked nervously as he cast about for a place to put John's bag down.

"That mission I was on when you left," John said, shooting him a pointed look. "It didn't turn out so well. I dislocated my knee while we were making a run for the gate. Ronon had to carry me back through."

"That bad huh?"

"Keller took me off active duty for a few weeks so I figured I'd come back to Earth and get a few things sorted out," John continued, ignoring his interruption. "The first of which is you."

"Me?!" Rodney practically squeaked. "Why? What did I do?"

John was facing him once more, leaning on his crutches casually. The anger on his face contradicted the ease in his stance, and that threw Rodney off a bit.

"You tell me, Rodney. What could you have possible done to make me so...?" He trailed off, obviously waiting for him to finish his sentence.

"Mad?" Rodney swallowed, knowing that his face was flushed and his eyes were wide. He backed away as John advanced until he hit the kitchen counter. "Look, I know you're mad at me and I..."

"Save it, Rodney," John growled, at last coming face to face with him. His scowled was fierce and Rodney cringed against the counter. "The fact is you ran away without saying a goddamn thing to me or anyone else. We're a team, and you can't just do things like that, no matter what happens. How am I supposed to feel when you just up and disappear without telling me? It was a lousy thing to do, and you know it."

"Yes, okay, okay, I know, alright?" Rodney held up his hands, before running one hand through his hair. "I know that, and I'm sorry. But it's hard for me to...I needed to get away for awhile, and what was I supposed to say? 'Hi, John, I need to take some time off so I can curl up in a corner and have a...a breakdown of some kind?' Would you have let me go if I'd said something like that?"

John was frowning at him as he talked. "Well..."

"You wouldn't. And I needed some time, okay? Just...give me this. I need some time to sort through everything and I can't do that if I'm constantly worried about things going wrong at Atlantis."

"I understand that Rodney, but you can't keep running away like this," John insisted.

Rodney scowled and turned away from him to look out the window over the mist covered lake.

"I'm not running away," he muttered.

"Really? Because it looks that way to me."

"I'm _not, _okay?" Rodney snapped, turning around.

"Are you going to stay? Here, I mean, on Earth." John's voice was steady, but Rodney caught a hint of something in his eyes that he thought was close to vulnerability and almost fear. He couldn't quite put his finger on it though, so after a minute, he let it pass without further thought.

"I don't think so, no." Rodney scoffed. "You think I can stay here, knowing what I know and just live my life out like everyone else? Besides, it's not like I'm...normal anymore is it?"

That seemed to appease John, because he relaxed and his anger faded. He slumped a little heavier on his crutches and ran a hand through his hair.  
"Okay," he nodded. "Look, I didn't mean to burst in here like this and just start yelling at you. I didn't plan for it to go like this so...I'm sorry, okay? It's been a long trip and I'm just about beat..."

"Say no more, John," Rodney managed a small smile. He tucked his trembling hands into his arm pits, sort of hugging himself. "How long are you staying?"

"Well," John seemed hesitant. "I was thinking about dropping in on my brother."

There was something else though, Rodney could sense it. And he wanted answers of his own, because John was becoming like his own personal plague, a pleasant, haunting beautiful and sexy plague, granted, but a plague nonetheless.

"Why did you follow me here? Besides wanting to yell at me I mean," Rodney asked. "Because it's really not that hard to pick up a phone, you know. And they even have these hands free deals now and that's just really..."

"Look, you're my best friend, okay?" John seemed a trifle irritated. "And I don't care what you think of me, I'm not going to leave you alone to deal with your problems. I'm going to do whatever it takes to make this better and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me. That's what friends do. They don't back down as soon as things get rough."

Rodney, a little stunned by this outburst of John's just stared at the man in shock for a long moment, until John started to look uncomfortable. His words had caused a slow curl of heated pleasure in his belly, and he tried not to let the giddy happiness show on his face too much. Trying to scowl unsuccessfully he pushed himself off the counter.

"Well, you're doing a brilliant job of that, aren't you?" he said. "I think you've elevated it to a whole new level of stalking."

A broad grin broke out on John's face, made all the sweeter by the exhaustion and lines of pain on his face.

"So I can stay?" he asked, looking like a little kid who'd just been given a new puppy.

"As long as you want," Rodney waved a nonchalant hand at him as he started to fill the kettle. "I doubt there's much I could do to keep you away."

"Great. So, you wanna show me around this place? It's like a fucking palace..."

"After you have a shower," Rodney called after him as he stumped his way back into the living room. "I don't need your grubby hand prints over everything. It'll come out of the security deposit, you know."

"Yeah, yeah," cam John's muffled reply.

He set the kettle on to boil and turned the oven on. It looked like he'd be cooking for two for a change, and he tried to quell his joy at the prospect. It wouldn't do to go looking too deeply into something as innocent as a little companionship.

"Hey, Rodney," John reappeared, his duffle swung over one shoulder, the crutches didn't seem to hinder his progress in the slightest.

"Hm?" he looked over his shoulder from where he was preparing two cups of coffee.

"This doesn't have to be so complicated, you know," he said slowly. "You're over thinking things too much."

Rodney looked back out the window and listened to John crutching towards the bathroom, trying to ignore the clenching of his gut at reality took over once more.

As usual, it was a lot more complicated than John suspected. His hand crept down and rest on his belly momentarily. A _lot _more complicated, he amended silently.

Sometimes, he thought to himself, life sure knew how to bite you in the ass.

* * *

While John was in the shower (and Rodney was trying desperately not to think about a wet, naked John Sheppard), he had put a frozen pizza in the oven and was sitting curled up on the couch in front of the TV thinking. Some old movie was playing, but he wasn't watching it at all.

Half an hour later, John emerged from the shower, his hair still damp and dressed in boxers and a t-shirt. His crutches were no where in sight and Rodney watched critically as he limped over to the couch and collapsed on the other end.

"Are you sure you should be walking around like that?" he asked, eying John as he grimaced and rubbed at his knee.

"Probably not. It still hurts like hell," he admitted as he slouched back against the soft cushions and put his feet on the glass coffee table.

"Then why are you..." Rodney shook his head. "Never mind. I put a pizza in the oven. Is that ok?"

"It sounds perfect. Do you know how long it's been since I last had pizza?" John asked with a grin as he picked up the remote.

"I can only guess." Rodney replied with a grimace.

They spent the next half an hour talking about things of little consequence and flipping through the channels to see what was on offer. Rodney was easily lulled back into that sense of security he had whenever John was around. That old familiarity was like a soothing balm over a bad burn and Rodney felt as relaxed as he had ever been.

He realized that he felt so much better with someone around- not to mention the fact that it was John- and he hadn't been aware of just how lonely he had been since arriving back on Earth. John's arrival and their subsequent argument/discussion had opened his eyes to a whole new realm of possibilities; that he wasn't as alone as he had thought he was, that maybe, just maybe, John needed him as much as he needed John. It was humbling and exhilarating at the same time.

"So I have something else I wanted to ask you," John said conversationally, as they indulged in pizza and hot chips in front of the TV.

"Oh no," Rodney sighed. "I thought we had already done all that deep and meaningful stuff already."

John grinned as he stuffed his mouth full of pizza.

"Oh that's disgusting." Rodney wrinkled his nose. "I'd ask where you learned your manners from, but I suspect the answer would be in a barnyard."

"Close enough. So," John swallowed. "I was wondering when you were going to call your sister."

It took a moment for what he had said to sink in properly.

"Oh you didn't," Rodney groaned. "Please tell me you didn't."

"I did." John had the good grace to look slightly ashamed. "But only to let her know that I was back in the country and to check up on her. That's all, I swear. I thought you would already have called her, is all. And when she asked me how you were..."

"She knows I'm back," Rodney stated. He dropped the last of his pizza back onto his plate and set it down on the table. The ramifications of John's actions were many and varied. He suspected he was in for a painful grilling from his outspoken sister, possibly involving various punishment in the form of spending time with Madison and eating Caleb's tofurkey. And buying lots of expensive gifts.

"I really am sorry," John said, although there wasn't a trace of remorse in his voice whatsoever. "But don't you think it's time you called her?"

"No," Rodney replied sullenly, dropping his head back against the cushions of the couch and staring at the ceiling. "I haven't really had the time..."

"You mean you haven't had the balls," John interrupted.

Rodney frowned as a flash of shame and pain gripped him. Swallowing, he tried to ignore it but was mostly unsuccessful.

"Sorry Rodney," John touched his arm. "I didn't mean it like that. It was just me putting my foot in my stupid mouth again..."

"No, you're right," Rodney tried to smile. "I just don't know what to say to her. How do I tell her about…this?"

"Why don't you just start by letting her know you're alive and that you're...relatively okay?" John suggested. "I mean, I can't imagine she would judge you. She thought you were dead and she missed you terribly."

"How can you miss someone who was never around?" Rodney smile bitterly at the ceiling. "I only wish I had been a better brother to her. Or maybe I should have stayed out of her life completely. Then she wouldn't have to deal with all my warped emotional baggage."

"She missed you because she knew that if she wanted to talk to you, all she had to do was make a few calls, and she couldn't do that once you were presumed dead. That security was taken from her. Start by picking up the phone, Rodney. The rest will work itself out. Let Jeannie decide for herself how she feels about you. But I think you'll be surprised once you talk to her."

Rodney spent another five minutes thinking about what John had said, and trying to work up the courage to pick up the phone and dial her number, which he had memorized years ago. Remembering numbers had never been a problem for him, even when he'd been little.

Eventually, he heaved himself out of the comfort of the couch and picked up the phone. John, who had been absorbed in the trashy TV show they'd settled on, looked up at him with a questioning look in his eyes.

"I'm going to call her. I think," Rodney said nervously as he picked up the cordless phone from its cradle.

John beamed at him as he stretched his long length out on the couch.

"Good boy."

He scowled at him as he headed for the porch.

"Play nice, Rodney," John called to him.

"Yeah yeah."

He closed the door behind him and settled onto the porch swing, tucking his feet up underneath him. The moon was huge and hanging low in the sky, and Rodney spent a few minutes thinking about just how different it was from Atlantis. He was procrastinating though, and he knew that while it might delay the inevitable tongue-lashing that was sure to follow, it wouldn't make it any easier. It was best to get it over with, like ripping off a band aide. The quicker you did it, the less it hurt.

With that thought in his mind, he dialed her number and held his breath as it started to ring.

His heart dropped and his courage faltered with each ring, and he was about to hang up when someone answered.

"_Hello_?"

For a moment he was surprised speechless by the little girl's voice, and it took a moment for it to register than he was speaking to Madison, his little niece.

"Uh...hi," he replied after a pause. "Hi, Madison, is your mum home?"

"_Yep. Who's this_?" the bright little voice asked in return.

In the back ground, he could hear Jeannie asking Madison who it was and he ached at the sound of her faint voice.

'It's...it's your Uncle. Rod...Meredith. It's your Uncle Mer," he replied thickly, his throat tightening. "Can I speak to your mom?"

"_Sure_."

The phone was dropped abruptly, and Rodney winced and pulled the phone away from his ear.

_"MOM!! It's Uncle Mer!!" _Madison shrieked and Rodney listened, unable to keep the smile from his face as he listened to her thudding around. There was more scrambling and then silence.

"_Mer?" _Jeannie's voice was breathless, and the hope he heard there made his chest tighten and his heart thud painfully in his chest.

"Hi, Jeannie. It's me," he managed to say after a moment.

"_Meredith," _his name was said on a soft exhaled. "_You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. I've missed you. I thought you were gone forever. When they told me..."_

Rodney stayed quiet, smiling as he listened to her familiar babble. Always, she had had that tendency to let her words overtake her, to let them tumble out of her mouth with barely a pause from breath. It was overwhelming and heartbreaking and a relief to hear her voice that he didn't mind listening for once instead of trying to interrupt, as he always used to.

Eventually, she slowed down and paused.

"_How are you, Mer? Are you okay?"_

He exhaled loudly, knowing she could hear and not caring. Rodney stared up at the moon and wondered if she was looking at it as well. It was full and bright, and its peaceful serenity washed over the lake before him.

"I'm not really sure at the moment. But I...I like to think I will be," he replied truthfully. It was so much easier to speak the truth over the phone, where no one could see your face or watch you. He wondered if that was cowardly of him, but decided that he didn't care.

"_What happened to you Mer? They...they told me you were MIA, that you...that you'd bee..." _her breathing hitched. "_I'm sorry...This is hard for me. I mourned for you for months Mer. I kept thinking...I needed to know what had happened, but no one would tell me."_

_"_I can't tell you over the phone," Rodney replied, regret piling in his chest and forming a tight ball that was threatening to choke him. "A lot has happened, Jeannie. I'm not the same person I was and I...I don't know if..."

She sighed again, sounding tired and stressed. "_I didn't think you could tell me. I thought it might be classified..."_

_"_It isn't," Rodney said, unable to stop himself. "It hasn't even been put in the reports."

"_But...that doesn't make any sense, Mer. Why would they do that? Unless it's something..."_

_"_They're trying to protect me," Rodney admitted, unable to find any more words than that. The enormity of what had been done to him had hit him a long time ago, but there were times when it caught him off guard and he wondered if it really had happened.

Jeannie was quiet, and Rodney could hear her breathing. In the background he could hear Caleb talking to Madison, and his eyes stung at the normalcy of it all. He really was glad that she had found something she had always wanted and made it work for her. If he was honest with himself, all he had wanted was to see her happy, even though he wasn't himself.

"It doesn't really change anything though," he told her quietly after a few minutes of the quiet. "I'm back now. And I just wanted to let you know that I'm...I'm safe now. I missed you Jeannie and I've thought about you...a lot since..."

"_I missed you too Mer. It's good to hear your voice," _she whispered, her voice hitching. He knew that she was trying not to cry and smiled, feeling a little misty eyed himself. She had always hated crying when they were young, hated being so vulnerable and so weak, and he knew that she was like him in that respect. She would fight and fight and keep being angry just so she wouldn't dissolve into tears. It had always broken his heart to see her cry because it meant that she had given up and was at the end of her tether.

"_Where are you staying? Did John find you?" _She asked suddenly, her voice growing firmer.

"I uh, I found a little place by this lovely lake. It's peaceful," he replied, looking around. "John arrived tonight. I think he means to keep an eye on me."

"_Yeah well, someone has to keep you out of trouble. What's the address?"_

Reluctantly, he gave it too her, a small suspicion forming in his mind.

"_I'll be there tomorrow," _she informed him suddenly.

"What? Why?" he asked. "You don't have to..."

"_Of course I do. I'll call you when I'm close."_

And with that she hung up. Rodney sat there for a full five minutes, staring at the phone in shock before the irritation set in. Scowling, he got up and went back inside, throwing the phone onto one of the arm chairs.

"How'd it go?" John asked slowly.

"This is your fault. If you hadn't insisted that I call her this wouldn't be happening." he glared at the decidedly remorseless Colonel sitting on his couch, looking comfortable and relaxed.

"What wouldn't be happening? What did I do this time?"

"'Oh, you have to call her Rodney, she's been missing you so terribly'!" Rodney mimicked, throwing his hands up as he stomped to the kitchen to fetch a couple of bags of Doritos. "Now she's got it in her head that she needs to '_look after'_ me, because apparently, I'm incapable of doing so myself. Now she's coming to visit us. Tomorrow!"

"I would have thought that's a good thing, Rodney. Haven't you been missing her?"

Rodney glared at him even harder and threw a packet of Doritos at his head. Laughing, John caught them.

"Shutting up now."

* * *

_There's no noise where he is, no background hum of machinery, no voices or sounds of people living their lives. It scares Rodney more than it should have, bought back feelings of childhood uneasiness, because in the McKay Household, silence was the beginning of another argument and another battle._

_But this particular battle is one that he doesn't know how to fight. There's no way for him to insult or shout his way out of this one. He can rage all he likes against the blank, masked faces but it brings no reward. Silence is one of his only companions, and it's this that Rodney finds the hardest to live with._

_Atlantis is too far away to think about and Rodney is still alone._

_He starts to wonder when his time would start running out. There's only so much one person can take before he loses his mind and Rodney's not sure if it's the time between each examination or the silence of the night that will finally make him crack._

_Atlantis is too far away for him now._

* * *

Rodney wakes up to John's hands on his shoulders and the light of the lamp beside his bed. He's breathing hard, as if he'd just run ten miles, and the sweat makes his shirt cling to his body unpleasantly.

"Hey there buddy," John soothes. "You're safe now, you're safe."

He felt anything but safe. All he wanted to do was bury himself in the blankets and cry himself back to sleep; desperate, lonely, heartbroken tears that would do nothing to make it better except exhaust him so he could sleep again.

Looking up into John's concerned, warm eyes, no words came to him. The misery curled in his chest made talking impossible.

"You okay? Do you need anything?" John asked, his hands still curled around Rodney's shoulders.

Rodney manages to shake his head, but he curls a hand around John's forearm and looks up at him like he's a lifesaver saving a drowning man's life.

"Can you...please...would..." Rodney swallows, almost choking on the words and they stick in his throat, but John seems to understand because he nods and sits down on the edge of the bed.

"Sure, buddy. I'll stay with you for awhile," he squeezes Rodney's shoulder and gently guides him back down to the mattress, pulling the tangled blankets straight and covering Rodney's shivering form. "Just close your eyes."

There's a clicking sound as the light is turned off, and Rodney rolls over and curls up into a tormented little ball, hugging himself tightly. John settles against the headboard, a hand resting on Rodney's arm.

They were just two friends in the dark together; fending off the demons that haunted them both, and all that mattered to Rodney was that he wasn't alone any more.

As before, sleep claimed him quickly and he slipped back into sleep with John by his side.

* * *

The next morning, awareness jolted Rodney awake unpleasantly. John was long gone; he'd probably slipped back to his room after he'd fallen asleep again. Within moments of waking, he was making a mad dash for his bathroom.

He disguised the sound of throwing up by flushing the toilet, because he had no doubt that John was probably already awake. Once the violent rebellion of his stomach had settled down, Rodney slumped against the wall next to the toilet, feeling weak and shaky. His stomach was still rolling unpleasantly but thankfully there was nothing left for him to expel.

He carefully pulled himself up, very much aware of his tender stomach and moved slowly over to the sink. If this was how pregnant women felt then he could fully sympathize with their cravings and mood swings. He methodically washed out his mouth and brushed his teeth before staggering out of the bathroom and back to his bed, where he collapsed with a groan, burying his face in the rumpled blankets. Feeling the exhaustion weigh down his limbs and trying to ignore the horrible burning in his throat, he crawled back under the covers and prayed for sleep once more.

It didn't come easily. Rodney dozed on and off fitfully until well past eleven, but it didn't make him feel much better. If anything, it made him more tired, and by the time eleven thirty rolled around, he decided that he'd had enough.

He dragged himself out of bed, feeling irritable and tired, but his stomach had settled down at least. The bathroom was a disorganized mess, but somehow he managed to navigate his way through the scattered clothes and bags to the shower, which he turned on as hot as it would go. He cursed explicitly when he first stepped in as the hot water stung his skin, but after a few minutes he grew accustomed to the heat and started to enjoy it.

Rodney washed himself thoroughly, wanting to get rid of the remnants of his nightmare. He paused slightly when he washed his stomach though; it looked as it always had, apart from the faded scar. There was no evidence that there was anything wrong inside of him, or that there was a very tiny life forming.

In fact, if evidence didn't claim otherwise, he would have believed that Keller had made a mistake. But Rodney was a scientist, and he had to believe the facts. The throwing up every morning, and the queasiness were classic signs of pregnancy and there was no denying that.

Sitting down on the shower floor, Rodney hugged his knees and let the hot water rain down over him. The heat and the steam were making him feel a little better, but his mood wasn't improving at all.

Rodney felt helpless. He felt like he was trying to swim against a rapid river, but the waves kept washing over his head and he had to keep fighting for air. When he had been taken, he had been sure that his life was over; the long months following were spent with him in constant turmoil. He wished for it to end, so he wouldn't have to keep facing the uncertainty of his fate, but at the same time he had fought to survive, not wanting them to have the satisfaction of defeating him.

When he had been rescued, he had floundered for a little while, wondering how he could move on after such a narrow escape with his life. He had thought that it was finally over, after long suffering through months of his horrible ordeal. It hadn't taken long for things to spiral out of control, first with the device and then with the failed operation to remove it, and finally, with this latest blow, the pregnancy. And he wasn't a stupid man; he knew the odds of any sort of abortion were extremely low. Having said that though, who was to say that the walking experiment he had turned into wouldn't end up a failed one? It was, after all, a piece of technology only in it's experimental stages, and he knew more than anyone else that experiments can and did terminate unexpectedly on a rather regular basis. But it was his life that hung in the balance, and he could either come out of the entire thing relatively unharmed, or he could die. He wasn't going to disillusion himself at that.

Rodney had started to wonder if the rescue effort that John had mounted was worth it after all. Maybe it would have been better for all parties concerned if he had remained a captive. But then, he could dimly remember the look on John's face as he had stumbled across Rodney's prone form, and the joy there when he realized that he had, and Rodney wasn't sure if he could have denied John that.

He pressed his face against his bony knees and closed his eyes. He couldn't remember much of anything, and he hadn't been able to in the days that had followed his rescue. Long before the rescue team had found him, Rodney had been kept on a constant stream of drugs, most didn't affect him much physically, asides from the odd bout of mild nausea and sleepiness, but there were a few that knocked him completely on his ass.

He had to assume that he'd been given one of those not long before the rescue team had arrived, because the odd bits and pieces he did remember were shrouded in weird colored lights and sounds that rang funnily in his ears. Even those bits he did remember were warped, and he had a hard time trying to figure out what had actually happened and what hadn't.

What he did remember was fleeting glimpses of John and some of the other marines who had been on the team. He knew that they had spoken to him, asked him questions, but he had been drugged to his eyeballs and mostly unconscious. He hadn't worked up enough courage to read the mission report just yet.

Rodney opened his eyes, heedless of the water running into them, and tried desperately to remember something.

…_noise, there was lots of noise…and shouting, voices yelling, explosions and loud banging…._

He closed his eyes again as jumbled memories invaded his mind.

_A familiar face leaning over him, with dark hair and dark eyes._

_Words falling all around him like dying autumn leaves, spoken in a language that seemed so foreign and yet familiar all at once; and the iron-clad certainty that he had finally died, and that he was stuck in some twisted afterlife…._

_Fiery orange lights, screaming, sparks raining down around him…._

_And that familiar face, those kind eyes looking down at him with a smile on his face that seemed to offer him hope, in a place where there had been none. _

_An angel…._

_His name was John Sheppard._

* * *

When Rodney emerged from the shower, his eyes were red from the water and his tears, but he couldn't find the energy to care. He dressed slowly, pulling on old sweat pants that were probably long past their use by date, an even older t-shit and a warm hooded jumper and tried to remember the last time he had felt so tired. It was a bone deep weariness that seemed to stay with him, sapping his energy and taking the joy out of anything that might have held any ounce of it. His mind was blessedly empty for a change; there were no dark memories lingering on the edge of his mind, no unwanted thoughts trying to invade his fragile equilibrium. He needed to keep it together for just a little longer. If he could do that, then maybe something would finally change, some undetectable balance would shift and things would feel like they were getting back normal at last.

Rodney was waiting for something, but for a change he didn't have a clue what it was. It was a little anti climatic really, waiting constant for something that never arrived. Maybe it was that old instinct of his that kept him on high alert as he waited for the next crisis to strike, except that nothing ever did anymore. He wasn't in Pegasus anymore, he wasn't living on the edge out on the front lines where every day was another struggle to survive.

As Rodney half-heartedly ran a towel over his damp hair, he wondered how John coped with that instinct. Because he was military and they were always the suspicious types. How did John bide his time between one disaster and the next?

Knowing John as well as he did, he probably just ambled along, taking his time in that annoying way of his, and when something happened, he just dealt with it. There was no great panic, no flurry of confusion; he knew what he had to do and he just did it. Once it was over and done with, it was like a switch flipped and he was back to his old laid back self.

Rodney made his way through the quiet house to the kitchen, where he found coffee brewed and waiting for him on the bench. Surprised, he poured himself a cup and added sugar and milk before he heard the faint sound of music. He followed it to the porch, where John sat on one of the chairs, idly carving away at a piece of wood, a half empty cup of coffee on a small table and a small cd player beside him.

"Morning," John smiled at him when he opened the door.

"Morning," Rodney mumbled in reply as he made his way to the small couch near john. Carefully, he set his cup down and gingerly lowered his sore body onto the soft cushions. His eyes were dry and gritty, his muscles were aching and he had a headache building behind his eyes.

John seemed to take his moodiness in stride because he just smiled and kept whittling away at his chunk of wood.

The day was overcast, and a light, steady rain was falling. Tendrils of mist curled over the smooth surface of the lake. It was chilly out, and Rodney grabbed a tasseled blanket that was folded over the back of the couch and wrapped himself in it.

Rodney secretively watched John's long fingered and graceful hands as they turned the wood this way and that, the knife in his hands flicking quickly over the wood as if it were a natural extension of his arm. He made it look so simple and effortless, but Rodney knew that what he was doing required a lot of skill and concentration. It figured that John would be the kind of person who was good at carving things; it was the kind of useless yet oddly fascinating skill that Rodney had come to associate with him.

Watching John's hands as he worked sent a thrill of heat through Rodney. Those deft, competent hands were capable of anything, and there was an odd beauty in them that made him wonder just what else they would be good at. He indulged briefly in wondering what they would feel like on his body, running over skin and handling him in the same skillful way that he was handling that piece of wood.

He forced his thoughts in a different direction quickly enough though, before he became uncomfortable in ways that he didn't need in front of the very object of his thoughts. Feeling suddenly unwell again, Rodney lay down on the couch and curled up underneath his warm blanket, watching Johnands as he listened to the quiet music.

He found himself tantalized by both, and it wasn't long before he was slipping into a doze, his weary body and mind lulled by the music, John's quiet humming and the sound of the rain on the roof. He was warm and comfortable and he probably wouldn't move even if someone planted dynamite underneath him.

_Long as I remember the rains been coming down.  
Clouds of mystery pouring, confusion on the ground.  
Good men through the ages, trying' to find the sun;  
And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain?_

Rodney burrowed deeper into his pillow as the sound of John's quiet singing finally lulled him into a deep, dreamless slumber.

_Heard the singers playing, how we cheered for more.  
The crowd had rushed together, trying' to keep warm.  
Still the rain kept pouring', falling' on my ears.  
And I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain?_

* * *

"Rodney…" someone was whispering in his ear, and Rodney was gently shaken out of sleep. Groggily, he lifted his head and was treated to the sight of his sister's bright blond curls and her blinding smile. She was perched on the edge of his couch, one hand on his shoulder and the other resting on his forearm as she shook him again gently.

"'ennie?"

"The one and only," she smiled at him, and leaned forward to drape herself over him, resting her head on his shoulder. Rodney closed his eyes as her soft curls spilled over the back of his neck; he inhaled the faint scent of vanilla and jasmine, and realized that there were so many things that he missed about her.

She was warm, and he could feel her breath fanning his hand gently. He had _missed _her.

"When did you get here?" He asked, still trying to banish the remains of his sleepiness and telling himself that she was actually there.

"Not long ago," she replied. "John said you've been sleeping for most of the day."

"'m tired."

"I can see that silly. I think it's time you came inside. It's getting cold out here," she told him, sitting up.

Rodney found himself missing her warmth.

"C'mon," she coaxed. "You can lie down inside."

Grumbling softly under his breath, he allowed her to help him sit and then stand up. He winced as stiff muscles protested, but didn't fight as she led him into the bright warm of the house. John was no where to be seen but a bright fire was burning in the fireplace and the lights were glowing with a golden light that was comforting. Jeannie's hair seemed impossibly brighter.

Before he knew it they were both sitting on one of the couches, slightly facing one another. Rodney blinked at her for a moment, trying to ignore the way the tight knot in his chest had loosened slightly, and how he ached at seeing her again. She was the only family he had left, someone who knew him better than almost anyone. He had grown up with her, shared everything with her, played with her and fought with her. He'd managed to love and hate her at the same time in the way that only siblings could. People said that you couldn't pick your family, but he knew that if he was given the choice, he'd choose Jeannie in a heartbeat.

She had been the treasured jewel of their fractured little family, and she had always been at the centre of his heart, from the moment his mother had sternly sat him down and let him hold her for the first time. She had been whisked away from him again in less than five minutes to be cooed and fussed over by other relatives, but as he had held her tiny, wriggly little body that first time, the warmth of her had stayed with him for many years.

And there she was with him, all grown up and with a family of her own. When he looked at her, he could still see his kid sister with those solemn blues eyes and a dirty face. She was happy, with a daughter of her own and a husband who loved her unconditionally. Rodney couldn't ask for more than that.

"Hi," he managed to say.

She smiled at him again, her eyes filling with tears and her chin trembling slightly, but it was more than enough. The next thing he knew he was wrapped in her arms. Without a second's hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her in return and held on tightly, burying his face in her shoulder and closing her eyes.

He wished that her presence could change everything and that he could go back to normal after seeing her again, but he knew that it wasn't going to happen. There was still so much to tell her, and so many decisions to make that he wasn't sure she'd even want to see him again once she knew. It made him want to cry, and hold on to her so she wouldn't leave him again, but she was an adult, not that vulnerable little girl she had once been, and she needed to make her own decisions.

"Oh Mer," she whispered into his hair. He knew she was crying, could hear it in the thickness of her voice. "I missed you so much. I didn't think I would, because you haven't been around much, but then suddenly I wasn't ever going to be able to see you again and I just…."

"I know." He breathed. "Believe me, I know."

After another minute, Jeannie pulled back and looked at him, her hands resting on his shoulders.

"You've changed."

"Changed how?" he asked nervously, shifting where he sat and wondering if somehow, she could tell that he was pregnant. Was there some sort of sense that mothers had that could reveal that kind of intimate secret? He prayed to anyone who was listening that that wasn't the case, because he wasn't ready for her to know. He wasn't ready to lose her again so soon after finding her again.

She smiled at him, her lips trembling momentarily. "It doesn't matter at the moment. I'm just glad you're alive."

He nodded, and looked down at his hands, touched and saddened at the same time. He didn't feel very alive on the inside, but he wasn't going to tell her that. She didn't need to be burdened with his problems; Jeannie had a life of her own to return to. A husband and a daughter who needed her, perhaps even more than he did, and he wasn't going to tear her in two by letting her know just how much he needed her. It wasn't his place, and Rodney had done enough taking for one life time.

From behind them, John cleared his throat.

"Uh...sorry to interrupt, Jeannie but Caleb's on the phone. You want me to tell him something?"

They turned on the couch to where John stood in the kitchen doorway, looking uncomfortable and awkward.

"No, I'll be right there." she looked at him. "I won't be long."

He nodded as she stood up, watched surreptitiously as Jeannie touched John's bicep briefly as she moved past him before he dropped his head into his hands, feeling a stabbing headache slice behind his eyes.

The sky was darkening outside into night, so he had obviously slept most of the day away but he still felt tired.

He was aware of John sitting down beside him and resting a hand briefly on his shoulder.

"Hey buddy. How are you feeling?"

Rodney just shrugged; his throat was tight with suppressed emotions and he honestly didn't know how he felt. A whirlwind of emotion had consumed him, and at the centre of it all was Jeannie and John. He wasn't sure if he could deal with the both of them at once. There was so much that he wanted, and he had no idea how to put it all into words. It was as if someone had reached inside of him and stolen all of his ability to express himself. Once it was as easy as letting his emotions take control, and then his words would run until he exhausted himself. Jeannie had referred to it as having verbal diarrhea, and it seemed that if that was the case then he was now verbally constipated.

"I think you might be coming down with something," John continued, as if Rodney had replied. "You slept most of the day and you look like shit."

Rodney managed a humorless laugh. "I see your people skills are improving."

"Yeah, well, maybe I have you to thank for that," John chuckled, his hand coming to rest once more on Rodney's back. "Do you feel like eating?"

"I guess."

"You guess?" John flopped backwards on the couch, his tone lightening. "Now I know there's something wrong with you. Should I call an ambulance?"

Rodney smiled bitterly, knowing that John couldn't see it. If only he knew the truth. Doctors couldn't stop what was wrong with him, not only would they not understand, but Rodney would be locked up for life, whatever life inside of him would be taken in some hideous way and no doubt painful way. It wasn't a pleasant concept to contemplate and he didn't need another burden added to his load.

"Have you told her?"

He rubbed his hands over his face and exhaled tiredly. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself in his bed and never emerge. Never mind that Atlantis was waiting for him in another galaxy, never mind the depth of his emotions for John, or his relief at being with Jeannie again. If he could rewind time then maybe he would never have agreed to go on the mission to the Pegasus Galaxy. Then he would be ignorant of all the possibilities that were out there; he could have remained ignorant and safe, protected in a way that he didn't feel any more.

"No. How do I tell my sister that I'm a freak now? I'm not the person that she knew anymore. She doesn't need to know."

"I think you need to tell her."

Rodney finally looked at his friend, unsure if he had heard him right. John was a sensible man for the most part, if you ignored his stupid tendency to want to sacrifice himself for anyone and anything, which was another matter entirely. Rodney had found himself looking to him in the past for advice, and usually it was good advice. But with the self doubt that had accumulated of late had come a whole heap of doubt about everything else around him as well, included the people he cared about.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think I'm the same man I was when I left Earth for the first time, Rodney?" John asked quietly. "I've seen things that people have dreamed about. I'm practically living a science fiction movie. There's no way I'm the same guy I was when I first stepped through that Stargate."

"Yes, you're a regular Kirk," Rodney replied bitingly. "What's your point?"

"My point is that Jeannie knows you're not the same Rodney you were three years ago. She knows that you're not the same brother she knew ten years ago. Every time we step through that gate we learn something different. We change. So let her know just how you've changed. She won't hate you for it. She's not stupid. If she's related to you, then I'd say she's pretty damn smart. Let her make up her own mind. She deserves that much at least."

Yet again, John was being the voice of reason that Rodney usually lacked. Whether he wanted, or needed it, was another matter, but there was no denying the fact that he was right. He wondered how John could _know _so instinctively that he was right. How intuition could come so easily to one who had struggled in the past to keep his feet. And he wondered, not for the first time, why he didn't possess the same ability. When it was pointed out to him, it was ridiculously clear that he was right and he hated himself for not seeing it in the first place.

"You're not the only one who's suffered Rodney," John told him quietly. "No matter what you may believe, believe that much at least."

Rodney couldn't make himself look at John as he stood up and left the room. He felt cold without John nearby. He heard the door shut softly behind John, but he couldn't make his legs move to get up and follow him.

"Rodney?" Jeannie's voice was tentative for the doorway to the kitchen. "What did he mean by that? What's going on?"

Rodney exhaled and leant back into the softness of the couch behind him. It had started to rain outside, and he watched as water ran serenely down the window.

"I think maybe you should sit down first, Jeannie."

TBC

A/N: The song in the middle of this chapter is called 'Who'll Stop the Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival. They're an old band, but I love their music and it seems like the kind of music that John would like. Thanks to everyone who reviewed recently. I apologize for not getting back to all of you, but you know how it is, life gets in the way. Hope you continue to keep enjoying this story!


	9. Maybe Today

**Chapter Eight:** Maybe Today

_Overeager and underway_

_I risked it all, I had to say_

_What opened me up for the beating_

_But the heart is for bleeding_

_With scraps of songs I paste along_

_The seams of my clumsy tongue_

_In hopes of creating the golden notes_

_That might bring you back to me_

-Carbon Leaf, _When I'm Alone_

Three days passed and Rodney felt uneasy in the peace that surrounded their little house on the edge of the lake. After he'd confessed to Jeannie, he had let her hold him as she cried. He had held her back and hated himself for not being able to cry with her, but he felt like he'd been crying too much lately. He no longer had the capacity to care about himself as he had used to. But her pain had blared at him like a fog horn, and he could not ignore it as he had once been able to.

John and Jeannie had always been friendly but over the sharing of a house they became quick friends, and Rodney had become a little wary of the situation. They would talk about nothing and everything, never seeming to run out of things to say and always dragging Rodney into their lively conversations until he threw up his hands in frustration and retreated somewhere peaceful. The friendly banter and teasing was a painful reminder of how he and John had used to act around each other, and there were moments when he honestly felt like John had replaced him with his vibrant sister. Which was completely stupid, because while John could and would make new friends in a heartbeat, there would never be another John-and-Rodney friendship in his life. Well, the old Rodney anyway.

His mornings followed the a set routine that he had grown to know and hate. Waking up way too early seemed to be the bane of his new life. He'd make a mad dash for the toilet and lose what food he had eaten before he trudged back to bed and slept the morning away. The nightmares became his regular nighttime visitors, although they didn't always wake him up screaming at invisible enemies. Usually he woke feeling disorientated and scared, but exhaustion soon dragged him back under. He didn't remember anything in particular about the dreams, just flashes of faces and places that he couldn't grasp for long.

When he finally emerged from his bedroom late morning, it was usually to find breakfast ready for him, Jeannie curled up in a chair on the porch reading a book or a journal of some kind, and John fixing something, or tinkering with one of the two rental car engines.

Rodney never talked to them much in the mornings, feeling too unwell and grumpy to be up to conversation. Eventually though, Jeannie would bring him out of his funk by dragging him out for a walk. John never joined them on these walks, and Rodney had a sneaking suspicion that it was because he wanted them to spend some time alone together.

They never talked about what had happened to him. It had become the darkest taboo to Rodney, because he still hadn't told either one of them about his other dirty little secret. That secret was beginning to make itself known to the world though, and he didn't know how much longer he could hide his illness from either of them. In any case, if he didn't tell them any time soon, then the time would come when they would be able to see the evidence for themselves. He hadn't started showing yet, but it was only a matter of time before he did.

The morning sickness was more than enough to frustrate him to the point of tears, and he didn't dare contemplate the possibility of what other symptoms were to come.

It was on the third night that Jeannie announced that Caleb and Madison were on their way to visit.

"It'll be a family holiday, Mer," she said happily before taking another mouthful of John's delicious spaghetti bolognaise. "Madison can't wait to see you. Caleb's taking a week off work, and Maddy's missing a week of school, but they both wanted to see you."

"When are they arriving?" John asked as he leaned back in his chair and took a sip of wine. "We'll have to get the other bedroom ready for Madison."

"They're driving up, so it should be sometime tomorrow evening," she replied with a grimace. "I don't envy him the trip. Especially with Maddy. She can be a real nightmare on road trips, like Rodney used to be. There was this one time we were driving to the coast..."

Rodney had zoned out by then. He had been in a irritable mood most of the afternoon, and while Jeannie and John had taken it in their stride, he knew that he was being an ass but couldn't seem to help himself. He needed an outlet for all his rage and frustration, and it had unintentionally become the two who meant the most to him.

The fact that there were two more people come didn't help, especially when there was a child involved. He would undoubtedly say or do something to hurt her, and he didn't want to do that and alienate the only family he had left.

"...so anyway, I thought we could go boating or something on the lake when they get here. They have that boat rental place just over the...Mer?"

Rodney stood up and left the table, walked out of the house and onto the porch steps. The stars were brighter then he could remember them ever being, and he took a deep breath of cold night air, hoping to banish the storm of emotion on the inside. Again, he felt like breaking down and crying right there in the dirt in front of the steps, but he just couldn't sacrifice his pride.

And that was what it all came down to, wasn't it? Pride, his one downfall and the vice he couldn't seem to overcome no matter what he tried. He was too proud to admit that he needed help, too proud to sit down and face the future and make a decision. He was so intent on keeping his pride and dignity intact that he couldn't bring himself to face the facts of what was happening to his body.

Slowly, he plodded down the stairs and made his way to the small shed that stood off to one side of the tiny garden.

It didn't take him long to drag his treasure from the shed. The telescope was the first he had ever owned. He had saved up all of his weekly allowances for months and then he had gone out and bought that shiny new telescope that he had been craving. He'd known that he wouldn't ever be given it for his next birthday, so he had taken matters into his own hands.

Every night for years he would spend out in their small backyard, studying those stars and carefully cataloguing everything he saw.

Setting the telescope up was automatic to him, and it wasn't long before he was sitting on the damp grass and staring up at the stars once more, without the telescope. It seemed a little redundant really, because he lived out there amongst those stars. Somewhere out there, he had friends and colleagues that he was responsible for. Somewhere out there, there was a war raging that he had played a part in. And somewhere out there, his former captors were still living and breathing.

A small part of Rodney knew that he wouldn't ever feel safe again until he knew that they were dead. When he got back to Atlantis he needed to read that rescue mission report. He wouldn't feel safe until he knew.

Behind him, the porch door opened and closed and he listened glumly to the sounds of someone approaching.

"Hey."

Jeannie crouched down next to him, and tilted her head back to look at the stars.

"It's hard to believe that there are actually people out there, living their lives just like we do. Makes you feel small, doesn't it?" she murmured.

"I live out there Jeannie," he mumbled in reply. "My home is out there."

"I know. And it's amazing," she replied, honestly. "Everything that happens in that galaxy is a miracle to me, Mer. And what happened to you is too in it's own way. I love you just the same. It makes no difference to me. You're still my brother, and no matter how far away you live, that won't ever change."

"Jeannie..."

"Whatever it is you aren't telling me Mer, that's okay. I only hope you can trust me enough to tell me one day," she said as . "Don't stay out too long. It's getting cold."

"I'm pregnant," he blurted out when she had turned towards the house again.

"I'm sorry?" she turned to look down at him. He could see the frown on her face as she looked at him and he concentrated on tearing a piece of grass to shreds. There was no going back now. He needed to tell her, he wanted to tell her, and although the fear tightened his throat, he couldn't turn back.

"I'm pregnant. I don't know..._how_ but...that's what Dr Keller said and..." he took a deep breath. " And I think I finally believe her."

He looked up at his sister and wondered what was going through her mind as she stared at him in dumbfounded shock.

"I'm pregnant," he repeated softly. "Are you still sure that you want me as a brother?"

For a long minute she said nothing and he looked down at his hands as they wove another piece of grass into a tight knot. The shame in him was so strong it bought tears to his eyes.

"What do you think, Jeannie? Can you still love a freak like me?"

"Oh Rodney."

She dropped down on her knees beside him and reached out to him.

"I don't know what to say."

"How about, 'Stay away from my family'? Or 'you're a sick freak and I never want to see your ugly face again?'" He smiled bitterly at her, as he got to his feet.

"Stop it Rodney," she said sharply getting to her feet once more.

"Why? It's the truth, isn't it?" he asked miserably, wrapping his arms around himself as he backed away from her.

"No. No it isn't," she told him as she moved forward. He was forced to stand still when her hands rested on his shoulders. "You know that, don't you?"

He nodded his head unhappily and she embraced him once more.

"This must be scaring the shit out of you, huh?"

With his head buried in her shoulder once more, he nodded mutely.

"I...shit Rodney. I think I need to sit down," she muttered and all at once they were both collapsed in an ungainly heap on the ground once more, with Jeannie swearing under her breath. Rodney was just trying desperately not laugh, knowing that it would sound slightly hysterical and more than a little crazy considering the circumstances.

Eventually, they had arranged themselves on the ground, spread out on their backs and staring at the sky. Jeannie's head was on his shoulder, her warmth pressed against his side. Rodney's urge to laugh had faded at last and he trusted himself to speak once more.

"I don't know what to do anymore Jeannie," he admitted, fixing his gaze on a particularly bright cluster of stars. "I've just started to deal with everything that happened to me in that six months. I've just started to learn to move on and forget about it and now this comes and double whammies me. I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do Jeannie..."

It registers on some level in his mind that he's begging his little sister for help. In any other normal world, it would be the other way around. Older siblings were there to look out for the younger ones, to keep them out of trouble and bully and cajole them in the right direction. Though so far he had done a bang up job on that one, he had hoped that he hadn't been beyond redemption, but it had seemed that he'd been wrong again.

The world kept throwing him curve balls that he just wasn't equipped to deal with. And when he finally started to learn how to cope with one new thing, another one came along and blindsided him. It was the story of his life.

So far his life had been one disappointment after another. First his parents, then his broken dream of becoming a pianist, and it all just rolled into one big ball of failure. That was part of the reason why he had turned his mind to science, not just because it all made sense to him, but because he had figured, in some abstract way, that if he could understand the world and everything that made it the way it was down to its most basic molecules, then maybe he could understand life itself and maybe he would be able to deal better.

But when the truth was laid out to it's barest bones, he realized that he had been extremely naive in his figuring. It didn't matter how well he understood the way molecules and atoms interacted with each other. It didn't matter that he knew exactly how and why the earth, the solar system and stars worked with each other, or how wormholes were possible. It didn't make his life any easier to live and it certainly didn't make the major decisions he was forced to make on a daily basis any simpler.

Beside him, Jeannie exhaled slowly, shifting her head slightly on his shoulder.

"Who else knows? I take it you haven't told John yet?"

"No," he answered slowly, feeling that knife of guilt twist in his gut a little more. "No one else knows except you and Doctor Keller back on Atlantis."

"And what else did she say? Did she say anything about...an abortion of any kind?" Jeannie's question was slow, her words rolling together in the way that meant she was thinking.

"No," he laughed bitterly. "But then she doesn't have to. I think that given the evidence we have so far that it's not going to be possible."

"What do you mean, Mer? Explain it to me in layman's terms."

"Right." He hesitated a moment, bolstering his strength and forcing the words out. "So when Keller did the operation on me to try and remove the device, it basically killed me. I died on the operation table for several minutes before they bought me back."

And that in itself was something else he hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about. It freaked him out knowing that he had stopped breathing, that his heart had stopped beating for several minutes. He had caught himself thinking vaguely every now and then that maybe it would have been better if he had died on the operating table and that scared him more than anything because he knew that in his heart of hearts he didn't want to die. He had lived through so much, and just lying down and giving up didn't seem like an option. It seemed like surrender, and Rodney had never been one to give up without a fight, no matter how bleak or how tough things got. Maybe it was his unending desire to prove himself better than others, not giving up when perhaps he should and not letting anyone get the better of him.

"They stopped the operation once they had bought me back, and Keller deemed it too dangerous to attempt anything further until they knew more about the device. So I think the odds of any kind of forced abortion would be impossible unless they can shut the device off. And at the rate things are progressing with the research, I think it's highly doubtful that they'll be able to come up with any sort of solution."

He caught himself rambling and quickly put an end to his musings, as he didn't want to stray too far into subjects he didn't want Jeannie to be privy to just yet. Beside him, she was frowning in thought.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Think about it Jeannie," he told her sharply. "This is a technology in its experimental stages. The odds of me actually carrying a...fetus to full term are extremely low. It could be that it will abort naturally, and that I will...I could..."

"You could die too," she finished softly for him.

"Exactly," he replied flatly. "The way things are at the moment, no matter what we do it's a lose lose situation."

"Hypothetically speaking, if you could have an abortion, would you?"

Rodney was startled by her question. It honestly wasn't something he had given a lot of thought, but he knew the answer almost immediately.

"Probably. I'm not cut out to be a parent to anyone, Jeannie. We both know that. I hate children."

"I disagree."

"Why? You know it's true. You've seen me with children, you've seen me with Madison."

She propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at me.

"Listen to me, Mer. It seems to me like you've considered a lot of possibilities in this matter, but you haven't considered all of them."

"What? Of course I..." he started to protest, hotly, but she put a hand over his mouth, for once seeming calm and cool headed.

"Just hear me for a moment will you?" He nodded his head in silent agreement and she removed her hand. "You haven't considered what you will do if you _do _carry this child to full term, Mer."

"I..." he blinked, realizing that she was speaking the truth. It was like a bucket of cold water had been poured over his head. "Oh god..."

"Don't freak out on me yet, Mer. We're listening, remember?"

"I'm not a freaking child..."

"Then stop acting like one and _listen, _for Christ sake," she said, irritated. "If they do find a way to remove this thing from you, and you were carrying a child that was...say, six months developed, would you?"

"What are you getting at Jeannie?" he asked slowly, confused as hell and knowing that it was showing on his face.

"There comes a time in pregnancy that a fetus stops being just a cluster of cells and starts being a person. If it's left too late then doctors won't perform abortions. The only time abortions happen after that point is if it's a natural one. So what I'm _saying _Mer, is that if they do find a way to shut this device off, if they find it too late then there may be no choice but to have the child. Understand?"

"I..." he stared at the sky.

"Look, just lie there and listen to me for a minute. I think I might be able to put this in perspective for you."

She lay back down and her head became a heavy, yet comforting weight on his shoulder once more.

"When I found out I was pregnant with Madison, I went to get an abortion. I wasn't ready to be a mother and Caleb was...sure, we'd been together for awhile and I was pretty sure how I felt about him but I wasn't sure if I was ready to be _married _to him, y'know?"

He nodded and silently wondered how she was going to put such a huge, colossal mess into perspective for him.

"So, there I was, young and pregnant, and sitting in the abortion clinic, waiting for my name to be called and I panicked. I walked out of there and told myself that I'd go back in a week. That week became another and another and by the time I actually did go back they told me that I'd left it too late. I had no choice but to have her."

Yet again, Rodney wondered how her story was supposed to be helping him. It just seemed like another depressing story that did little to reassure him. But knowing his sister, she had some big surprise that she was going to pull out of her ass and stun him speechless with. So all he had to do was wait for the punch line.

"I spent the next few days crying my eyes out because I was so bloody scared I didn't know what to do. Caleb was...well, he was amazing. He helped me so much during those rough weeks. Eventually, I came to realize that there was no way to get out of it. What's done is done, and I had to learn to live with the results."

She was smiling at some distant memory, and it stilled Rodney. He realized that he was looking at a woman who was at peace with herself. She was happy with her place in the world. Rodney only wished that it could be so easy for him.

"So I had Madison and from the moment I first saw her I realized that it was worth it. I haven't regretted a moment of it since, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I'm just glad I didn't get that abortion, that I waited too long, because then I wouldn't have her in my life and I wouldn't be the person I am now."

"And this is supposed to help me how?"

"At first I was so afraid to do anything with her, you know?" she continued, ignoring him. "She was so _little _and _needy _and it felt like every time I picked her up I would break her if I even breathed the wrong way. I was terrified. But slowly, it becomes easier, and you learn how to adapt. That's the most important thing. You've got to learn to be flexible."

"Yeah well, I've never been the most flexible of people, Jeannie," Rodney said, unhappily. "And it doesn't really matter anyway because I really think that the likelihood..."

"Forget likelihood's and probabilities for a minute Rodney, and think about it from another angle," she interrupted him. "I really think you need to prepare yourself for all possibilities and not just the most likely outcome. You said it was still an experimental technology, fine, I can understand that. But who knows how many other alternative one's they created and disregarded before they came up with one in you. Who knows if the one they planted in you is the one that finally works? And what will you do if it does? What will you do if that fetus in you becomes a fully developed baby?"

There was nothing he could say to that. His head was spinning with all the new questions she had forced him to consider as much as he didn't want to. There was truth in her words, and for a moment he hated her for her level headed logic. It had opened a whole new realm of possibilities that he didn't need to be considering when he already had a truckload full.

"Look, I know how confused and scared you must be right now, but I want you to consider something else okay? I know that you don't think you're cut out for parenthood, and while I also know there's probably a ton of people out there who would agree with you, it just do happens that I don't." she said resolutely. "I've watched you my entire life, Mer. I've watched you grow up, hell; you were my role model for years. I watched how everything continually disappointed you and turned you into the cynical, jaded person you are."

"I am so not..."

"There's no use denying it, Mer, because we both know it's true," she cut him off again ruthlessly. "I know that underneath all that bluster and arrogance you are a good person, with a gentle heart. I know that if you just opened yourself to the _possibility _of..."

"I know what you're trying to say, Jeannie," he interrupted brusquely. "And even if I did want to, there's no way that I could. In case you've forgotten my home is Atlantis. Everything I've dreamed about is there. I have duties, _responsibilities_ there and I can't just walk away..."

"And when your time in Atlantis is over, what then?" She asked.

They were sitting up once more, facing each other and Jeannie had that stubborn set to her chin that meant she wasn't giving up without a fight, and a rough one at that. Rodney may not be able to read people very well, but he could read his sister like a book. It came from years worth of arguing and fighting and bartering and bantering with his only childhood companion who had always been there. She hadn't really had a choice in any case. When you spent so long in someone's company, you got to know their body language better than anything.

Rodney had learned that when she got that stubborn set to her chin and that spark in her eyes that he was in for one hell of a fight. Usually, he was just stubborn enough to ride it out and not back down, but there had been times when he had learned to cut his losses and call it quits before she really got out of hand.

It wasn't one of those times

"It won't ever be over," he replied fiercely. "Not while there's still breath in my body."

"What happens if you get injured, god forbid?" she asked. "Or if you get reassigned or fired, which, let's face it, is a real possibility? What will you have to come back to? An empty apartment and a cat? Science? Because let me tell you, Meredith, when you're old and gray in that apartment, you'll be alone and lonely. And I know that you don't want that."

"I won't ever leave Atlantis, Jeannie," he maintained. "I can't."

She exhaled, and her shoulders slumped as she pushed some of her unruly curls out of her face. He took that as a sign of defeat, but the victory was an empty one, and it wasn't accompanied by the usual rush of triumph and the urge to gloat as it usually was.

"Look, Mer. If you won't consider that, then at least consider adoption or something. Even if you don't want to keep the child if it's born, then at least you could make another couple happy. A life's a life. I believe it was you who taught me that."

"It was?" he frowned.

She nodded. "Remember when we had that stupid neighbor whose cat had kittens? What was her name?"

They both frowned in thought for a moment.

"Mathers," he grinned clicking his fingers.

"Yeah her. She'd put the kittens in a bag and was going to drown them. But we rescued them, remember? When she yelled at us you turned to her and said..."

"A life's a life and it's not up to us to decide," he finished, softly. "I'd completely forgotten about that."

"I never did."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. He was surprised when she picked up his hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it.

"Just promise me that you'll think about it, okay?"

"I will." he nodded, know that there was no way he couldn't anymore. "But...I don't know how to tell them, Jeannie. They won't understand this...it's too..."

"I think you need to give them a little more credit than that," she told him. "Have they pushed you away after they learned what those people did to you? Have they treated you any differently?"

He shook his head.

"I've met them, Mer. They're good people, some of the best you could possibly hope to find anywhere. They're willing to fight and die for you. You told me that, so give them the trust they deserve."

"It's just...it's just so hard, you know? I'm barely holding it together as it is and the thought of losing it all just..."

"I know. But you're still here, Mer. You're still with us. You've survived this far and I know that you're not ready to give up on this just yet. Give yourself a chance. One day at a time, okay? We'll take it from there."

He nodded. "Thank you, Jeannie. I honestly don't know what I would have done if you hadn't..."

She pulled him into another rough hug. "That's nothing you will ever have to worry about. You'll get through this Rodney. Trust me on this one."

"I do." he whispered roughly into the softness of her hair, swallowing back his urge to cry. "Are you going to tell Caleb?"

"Not yet," she replied as they pulled apart once more. "But I do think you should tell John. He'll probably be your best ally in this. And I can't imagine that he'd let any harm come to you."

"I know he won't," Rodney murmured, looking down. "Sam's keeping it out of the records."

"Good."

"But you'll come and visit, right?" he asked anxiously. "I can't do this without you, Jeannie."

"Of course I'll visit. How could I resist the opportunity to see Atlantis again?" she grinned at him. "I understand why you don't want to leave. It's easy to fall in love with, isn't it?"

"You have no idea." Rodney swiped at his rebellious eyes. "I have no idea where this insane urge to cry keeps coming from. It's driving me nuts. I was staring at this pot plant the other that that looked like it was in desperate need of a good watering and the next thing I know I'm in the bathroom blowing my nose."

She smiled and patted his knee. "It's the hormones Mer. I'd get used to it, if I were you. Not only that but being tired all the time is something that runs in the family, which is why you've been sleeping so much."

Rodney groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Just kill me now."

The back door opened, and light from inside spilled out in a golden swath across the grass to where they sat huddled together. John emerged, standing barefoot on the porch.

"Is everything okay?"

Jeannie smiled at him as Rodney made a last attempt to erase all evidence of his tears.

"Everything's fine, John," she answered, patting his knee as she got up. "We were just about it go inside weren't we?"

Rodney looked up at her, and glanced forlornly at his forgotten telescope.

"But I..."

"Weren't we, Mer?" she asked, forcefully. "It's getting cold out here."

He sighed and heaved himself to his feet.

"Of course we were," he muttered as he quickly dismantled his telescope and trudged after her up the porch stairs.

"Hey, cool, you have a telescope," John grinned as Rodney passed him.

He looked at his friend in surprise and John winked at him.

"I didn't know you were interested in space, Colonel," Rodney commented as John shut the door behind himself. It was considerably warmer inside, and he realize just how chilled he had been getting sitting out there on the grass.

Probably not the best idea, he though ruefully to himself as he set his telescope carefully down out of the way.

"You could say I've developed a personal interest over the last couple of years," John smiled at his as they headed back towards the kitchen.

"I'd be surprised if you hadn't," Rodney snorted. "Considering we've been living in another galaxy for the last couple of years."

"I know. Sometimes I still have trouble believing it."

"You and me both," Rodney muttered. A warm hand on his arm stopped him in the kitchen doorway.

"Maybe you can show me, sometime," John said casually. "I'd like to see what it looks like from this galaxy."

"Are you propositioning me, John?"

"You could call it that."

"I could show you the Pegasus Galaxy, I suppose," Rodney mused as they set about clearing the table.

"Really?" John perked up at that. "That'd be cool."

Rodney couldn't help smiling in return. It was nice of John to pretend that he couldn't see Rodney's red eyes, or the traces of tears on his cheeks and it just went to show the measure of the man he really was. He was immensely grateful, and he couldn't take being embarrassed in his emotional state. He'd probably turn into a blubbering mess and he knew that John wouldn't appreciate having Rodney cry all over him.

"Yeah," he murmured to himself. "It would."

* * *

Sleep didn't find Rodney easily that night. He tossed and turned and wondered why the hell he was still awake because he could feel the tiredness tugging at his weary mind, and the grittiness in his own eyes and he wanted nothing more than to sleep because hopefully it would make him feel better. He felt like a shittier version of his old self, and when three am rolled around, he was thoroughly fed up with himself as he tossed back the covers.

The bathroom tiles were cold beneath his feet as he went about his business. The air was chilly, and Rodney wondered absently what season it was. In fact, when he thought about it he didn't even know what the date was.

When he stepped out into the main living area, he was surprised to see John sitting on one of the wide window seats overlooking the lake. For a moment, he considered retreating to the solitude of his bed, but John looked so alone and pensive sitting there with bright moonlight spilling through window that he walked over and sat down opposite him.

The best thing about the window seats, he thought to himself, was that they were big enough to sleep on comfortably. There was plenty of room for two people to sit without encroaching on the other's personal space. Rodney leaned his head against the wall at his back and looked out the window, following John's line of sight.

He understood, on a deeper level, why he had chosen this place as his retreat. It was isolated enough to be private and peaceful, and it was close enough to water to make him not miss Atlantis as much as he would have had he been further inland.

John obviously felt the same, because his gaze was fixed on the still surface of the lake, and the reflection of the full moon.

"I miss Atlantis," Rodney said after a long time.

"Yeah," John's answer was slow in coming, his voice deeper and roughened by sleep. "Me too."

"Funny thing though," Rodney continued. "As much as I love Atlantis and everything we do there, I'm always thinking about here. And when I'm on Earth, I'm always missing Atlantis."

"I know how you feel buddy. Though..." John paused, still not looking at him. "There's not so much here for me to miss. Not like there used to be anyway."

"Is that why you went to Atlantis in the first place?" Rodney asked, curiously. Despite everything they had shared, and how close their bonds of friendship had become, they had never really talked about what had motivated them to leave Earth. Rodney was pretty sure that his motives were transparent to everyone, but John was a different matter. In all of his time in the Pegasus Galaxy, he was pretty damn sure that no one was any closer to figuring out John Sheppard. The man was like a blank slate when it came to matters of the heart.

"Mostly. I think more than anything I was bored."

"Bored?"

"Yeah. I'd been given a pretty boring post in Antarctica after I'd been reprimanded. I'd fought on the front lines, saved peoples lives and killed people. I had a few close friends, but I'd severed all my ties to my family. I was flying choppers for a living by then. I needed a change."

"And you figured you had to go to another galaxy for a 'change'?" Rodney asked, with a grin.

John glanced at him and smiled.

"It's pretty out there, I know. As my father would have said, "I'd exhausted my potential" when I got in trouble with the Air Force." John's grin was twisted, and a little bitter. There was an old anger in his eyes that Rodney had glimpsed that made him feel awkward, as if he were bearing witness to something very private and quiet.

"Why? What did you do?"

"I tried to save a man's life," John replied, his voice blunt and even, but Rodney recognized the answer for what it was. It was one of the many perceived failures that haunted John, and drove him to keep striving for something that only he could see.

"And did you?" Rodney asked, quietly. He was treading on thin ice, he knew, but he had learned from experience that retreating at the slightest hint of danger didn't get you the answers you needed. And John didn't truly respect people who didn't have the courage to say what was on their mind. That had never been a problem for Rodney though.

"No. He died." John answered flatly.

Rodney sat there and looked out the window once more, towards the lonely dock with its unoccupied bench at the end. He wasn't going to say he was sorry, because he had no doubt that John had heard those words before and he knew they meant nothing to the man.

But Rodney also knew that John would have tried his hardest to save that comrade, and that he wouldn't have given up until the very end. No doubt he had risked his life and Rodney knew that John didn't need redemption for something that wasn't his fault, no matter what John told himself. It was more than enough for Rodney to know that he had tried because he knew that in all that time he had been held captive, John hadn't once wavered in his hope that he was still alive out there somewhere. His faith had paid off in the end, but Rodney knew that in most cases similar to his, they didn't.

He'd been extremely lucky to come out of that ordeal alive, he realized with a shiver. He should be grateful that he'd been reunited with the people he cared about. He was lucky that he was still breathing.

Humbled by his sudden realization, he stretched out his foot and nudged John's calf.

"You're going to regret sticking around, you know. Now you have to put up with my sister's family."

"I'm sure it won't be so bad," John smiled at him fully this time. "I get along with you after all."

"Give it a few days, John," he said as he looked out the window with a smile on his face. "I'm sure you'll change your mind once you eat Caleb's tofurkey."

"You should do that more often."

"Do what more often?" Rodney frowned as he looked back at John. He was startled by the serious and intent look on his friends face.

"Smile. It's been too long since I've seen you smile," John murmured not looking at him.

Rodney regarded his strange friend somberly for a few minutes before leaning his head back once more and closing his eyes.

_You too, John, _he thought to himself. _You need to smile more too. _

But he didn't voice his thought. Rodney had come to realize that lately, John had been tenser than usual, at times even distant. He figured that he had some kind of issue that he was dealing with, and Rodney held firmly to the belief that prying into anyone else's life wasn't any of his business, no matter how close he was to them. More often than not what he discovered was rather unflattering when it came to himself, and besides, he hated people prying into his life.

Whatever was bothering John, he knew that he'd come to terms with it eventually. He wasn't a stupid man, and although he usually brooded and lingered over subject's way past their use by dates, after many long hours of thought and introspection he always managed to let it go somehow. Rodney wished it could be that easy for him.

The conversations he had with John drained him, but not in a bad way. He wasn't sure how to explain it, but whenever he walked away from one of their more intense talks, he always felt so tired.

He finally felt as if he could sleep so he carefully maneuvered himself to the edge of the seat and patted John's leg before he stood up and retreated to his bedroom, leaving John to his pensive thoughts.

When his head hit the pillow and his eyes closed, Rodney thought to himself that he'd learned more about John in that short conversation than he could in months. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

John had found an old boat out lying in the muddy shallows of the lake. He spent the majority of the next day pulling off the rotten boards and replacing them with new ones from the hardware store in town.

Jeannie busied herself in the kitchen and the gardens, cooking up a feast for the arrival of her husband and daughter. When she was waiting for things to cook, she spent the time wandering around the small kitchen garden, idly pulling weeds and smelling the lavender as she picked at the herbs.

Rodney spent the day watching the both of them and scribbling half formed equations on a legal pad. As ideas and notions formed in his mind, he sat on the porch in the shade, drinking cordial and watching John work bare-chested in the bright sunlight.

Each board of wood was carefully inspected and sanded down before they were set aside in preparation for replacing the rotted planks. Rodney should have known that John was the handy man kind of guy, and watching him work with the tools was an unexpected pleasure. Not to mention that he was bare-chested and breathtaking. His smooth shoulders and back glistened with sweat in the warm sunlight, and he watched, mesmerized as his muscles rippled pleasantly. His long, long legs were covered by almost too tight jeans, but Rodney had no trouble imagining exactly how he would look without them.

He felt unimaginably pervy watching him as he was, but he couldn't dredge up an ounce of guilt.

"That's quite the sight, isn't it?" Jeannie sighed from the doorway, her eyes on John.

Rodney glanced at her and then back at John before frowning at the papers before him and clearing his throat.

"What is?"

"Oh please, Mer. I've known you your entire life. I think I know when you have a crush on someone. And believe me, I don't blame you. John Sheppard is more than worthy."

She set down another glass of cordial before him and took his empty one.

"Jesus," he hissed. "Will you keep your voice down? And I don't know what the hell you're talking about..."

She merely shot him a withering look and he sighed, collapsing back in his chair.

"When were you going to tell me that you like him?"

"We're not in the seventh grade, Jeannie," Rodney snapped. "I would have thought we were past that juvenile stage."

"Okay then. When were you going to tell me about your little '_infatuation'_?" she asked mockingly. "Or is it more like 'lurve'?"

Rodney didn't say anything, resolutely not looking at her and watching a drop of water slid down his perspiring glass instead.

"Oh my god!" Jeannie gasped, her eyes going wide. "You..."

"Look," he stood up, narrowing his eyes. "I haven't said anything to him and I'm not going to. He risked everything he had to save me from...to save me. And I'm not going to jeopardize everything he has by following through on something that's impossible. It's not going to happen, so just forget about it, okay?"

"Mer..."

"Besides, he's military. It would destroy his career and he's already lost too much for me to risk what he has left being taken from him."

"Did you think that maybe it's his choice to make?"

It was Rodney's turn to shoot her a withering look. "Honestly, Jeannie. Can you see someone like him going for someone like me?"

Her silence was answer enough, and though the truth of it stung him horribly, he managed a smile.

"Exactly. Besides, he's more into busty women who put out. I'm not in any position to offer him anything he needs."

Having said that, he relieved her of her other full glass of cordial and walked down the stairs towards John.

John looked up from where he was crouched when Rodney stood beside him and offered him the glass. He smiled his thanks and accepted the glass, throwing down the hammer he'd been holding and sprawling, loose limbed, on the grass. He hesitated a minute before sitting down a safe distance away.

He was definitely not looking at the way the sweat was glistening on all that golden skin.

"So, what d'you think?" John asked, gesturing towards the half ruined boat. "She'll be up and running in no time. We can take her out, do a little fishing maybe."

Rodney snorted, and eyed the boat suspiciously.

"Please. I'm not seeing how that thing could even float. It looks like it's held together with spit and a prayer," he scoffed.

"It won't be when I'm finished with it," John replied, laughter dancing in his eyes. "Let me guess, you're not a boat person."

"Well obviously," he rolled his eyes, plucking a stalk of grass from the ground and weaving it around his fingers. "You've known me how long now, and you're still asking me stupid questions like that."

"All part of the fun, Meredith," John was grinning at him openly, and Rodney's heart sped up in his chest, taking his breath away with it. The way those green eyes sparkled with amusement, the slant of his grin and the single dimple that made him want to lick it were only a tiny parts of why he had fallen in love with the errant Colonel, but right then it seemed like a huge piece of the puzzle.

Rodney had a bad habit of falling in love with people that he could never, ever have. His track record so far had been abysmal.

He scowled at the use of his hated name, but it was mostly for show.

"Besides, I thought Madison would enjoy it." John was looking at the lake. "Though we'd have to wait for a nice day when the water isn't too rough."

Rodney tried his best not to watch as John raised the glass to his lips and drank deeply. He told himself sternly to look away as he swallowed, and that he definitely hadn't noticed the fullness of his lips, or the way they glistened when he licked them afterwards.

He cleared his throat as he destroyed another piece of grass.

"Uh...have you even looked at the lake, John?" he said, aiming for normal and pleased at the result. "There's barely a ripple on the entire surface..."

"That's beside the point Rodney. I wouldn't want to scare her, with all the movement of such a small boat..."John answered thoughtfully.

There was no way Rodney was noticing just how dark the mahogany of John's uncontrollable hair was in the sunlight. Not a chance in hell, he thought to himself.

"I wouldn't worry about that," Jeannie said from behind them. "She's a little dare devil. It won't bother her."

"Well she obviously doesn't get that from the Mckay side," Rodney grumbled.

"You can say that again," John put in. "You should have seen Rodney when the inertial dampeners on one of the puddle jumpers were damaged."

"Eek. I've been on enough car journeys with him to know what he's like," Jeannie grimaced.

"I'm sorry. Was there a reason you're here bothering us?" Rodney asked her snippily. "Don't you have something better to do? Like, oh I don't know, you could bake me a pie. I'd love some pie."

He received a firm swat over the back of his head, and John muffling his laughter beside him as he glared up at his sister.

"I'm not your personal slave Meredith. If you want pie, you make it your god damned self," she snapped back. The glint in her eyes, though evil, gave her away and he grinned.

"Why would I do a stupid thing like that?"

"Seriously," John sounded a little anxious. "You don't want to taste his cooking. It's lethal."

Rodney threw a dirty rag at him, which John avoided smoothly.

"Oh?" Jeannie sounded interested and Rodney didn't need her getting any more dirt on his misadventures in and around Atlantis.

"It's not really that interesting..." he hurried to say.

"Not interesting? Ford and Teyla had food poisoning!" John spluttered. "They were sick as dogs..."

"You know what I think is a good idea?" Rodney leapt to his feet, grabbed John's arm and unceremoniously hauled him up as well. John staggered against him momentarily before regaining his balance. "I think we should go for a drive into town and get some pie."

"Sounds like an excellent idea!" Jeannie beamed at him, and Rodney resisted the urge to groan, knowing that she had something in mind. "While you're at it, you can pick me up a few things from the store. Wait here and I'll go get the list."

John and Rodney stared after her.

"Did she say list?" John asked after a moment.

TBC

Disclaimer: Please see Prologue for standard disclaimer.

A/N: Okay, first things first. I have no idea how you built a boat, much less a wooden one, so lets ignore all and any inaccuracies that may exist for the sake of plot! Secondly, I thought I'd give all my wonderful reviewers out there some advanced warning; the next chapter will be in John's point of view. This may happen every now and then, but not consistently. It often helps me keep the story rolling and offers another point of view. Many thanks go out to all my wonderful reviewers who I didn't get around to answering. Thanks for all your support! I hope you continue to enjoy!!


	10. When The Stars Go Blue

**Chapter Nine: **_When The Stars Go Blue_

_Where has that old friend gone_

_Lost in a February song_

_Tell him it won't be long_

_Til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes_

_Where is that simple day_

_Before colors broke into shades_

_And how did I ever fade_

_Into this life, into this life_

_- _Josh Groban, February Song

* * *

John wasn't the kind of man who took things for granted. He had learned at an early age that things that went unnoticed had a bad habit of going missing and before he had learnt that valuable lesson, he would find himself missing something that he had never known he had.

Life was nasty like that sometimes. He had seen the best and worst of people, and he liked to think that he had learned something from every different situation he had been in. Earlier, when he had been fighting in Afghanistan, he had struggled to see the point in all the suffering he had witnessed, and he had battled with a black depression and self-hatred that had threatened to consume him at every turn. Each day it had been an almost impossible task to drag himself out of his bed and back into his uniform for another arduous day of death and destruction and misery. Somehow he had kept on going, and at times he felt that he was a better, stronger person because he had. He liked to think that he had made a difference during that particular tour of duty, but he often had doubts about that too. He wasn't quite naive enough to believe all that patriotic bullshit people often tried to feed him about the war in Afghanistan.

During his other, shorter tours of duty and later on Atlantis, things had slowly shifted into perspective for him. Life had taken on greater meaning in Atlantis. It was hard to remain as jaded and cynical as he was when surrounded by the marvels and wonders that Atlantis offered to her residents.

One of the most important things he tried his best to adhere to was to never take anyone or anything for granted. Carson had been an eye-opener to him. He had been a good friend and a good man, and John often missed his dry sense of humor and his thick accent more than he had ever thought possible. But he found consolation in the fact that he was pretty certain that he had never taken Carson or his skills for granted.

Rodney was also another person that John would never take for granted, and for many reasons. The man was a mystery to him still, even after all the years they had known each other, and all the life and death situations they had survived through together. And still, Rodney managed to pull miracles out of his ass when you least expected him to.

John had been stunned speechless by some of Rodney's more brilliant ideas no less than nine times. He often gave hope to hopeless situations and more often than not managed to save everyone's lives on a rather regular basis. John himself kept going, fighting against impossible odds and often much physical pain in the hopes that Rodney would somehow be able to save the day once more. His ardent faith had always paid off and Rodney hadn't let him down yet.

When he had disappeared, John's world had felt like it was crumbling. He had hoped that he had never taken Rodney for granted, but his heart told him otherwise. There had been times when he was sitting in the cafeteria eating and he had wished that Rodney was sitting opposite him, entertaining him with endless babbled about all of his ideas, or providing a biting and sarcastic commentary on the current goings on in the city.

He had found himself thinking about exactly what Rodney would be muttering under his breath as he watched movies on Saturday nights with his friends and colleagues. Somehow, he always roughly knew exactly what Rodney would think about something, what would rile him up into a state of spitting insults and acerbic comments in his directions.

John had felt off balance for most of that time. On missions everything felt wrong without Rodney complaining about nothing and everything. He hadn't slept well in those months. He had missed a lot of things that involved the man, but most of all, he had just missed his friend.

John smirked in the passenger seat as Rodney sped out of the dirt driveway onto the worn road that led to town. He wore an expression of mild irritation on his face, and John suspected that while Jeannie drove Rodney up the wall at the best of times, he had missed his little sister terribly.

He had heard somewhere (probably from Sam) that Jeannie was Rodney's only family, and that they had been estranged for the couple of years before the beginning of the Atlantis expedition. Now John was aware that Rodney had many faults, but he also suspected that he and Rodney were more alike than either one of them were willing to admit.

And yet, watching his friend beside him, with one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting on his thigh as the wind ruffling his short hair and that intent blue gaze was locked on the road before them, John felt that familiar fluttering in his chest.

It had been such a long time since he'd felt something so pure and as simple as what he felt for Rodney, but he recognized it for what it was. And there was definitely a deep attraction there accompanying it too, and John had been acutely aware of _that _since day one. What he hadn't expected was for it to develop into something way, way more than attraction over the years of their acquaintance.

John wasn't sure when it had happened or why. Maybe it was because of the constant threat of death hanging over their heads on a daily basis, or maybe it was because they'd spent so much time together that he knew what Rodney was thinking or feeling perhaps even before he did himself, it didn't really matter. He had gone through too much, and he had learned too much about himself to know that trying to deny something he felt so strongly was pointless. That only led to a whole heap of heartache that he didn't need in his complicated life, and he didn't need any more heartache. He had enough of _that _to power an entire nation for a year, by his reckoning.

The one thing that did puzzle him was the fact that it was _Rodney, _who was so drastically different from anyone he had ever met. He was rude and arrogant and petty and definitely loud and demanding. He had a habit of alienating everyone around him, and he had no qualms about reducing someone to tears if he thought they deserved it.

But underneath all that, John recognized a lonely, insecure man who labored under the burden of his own intelligence. He could also be surprisingly compassionate and kind hearted at times, and his sense of humor could keep John laughing for hours on end. He was witty and intelligent and entertaining, but he when he loved something, he threw himself into it with a passion that many saw as obsession.

John recognized it as such because he felt the same about flying. It was a deep seated need, a thirst inside him that kept him going back for more. Sometimes, he just needed to get out there, into the wide open blue of the sky and lose himself in the simple act of doing something man kind had dreamed of for centuries; flying. He felt like he could breathe when he gave in to the urge, like he had all the space in the world to just be himself for a change without being weighed down by all the things people expected of him and he had no doubts that Rodney felt the same about his science.

He tore his gaze away from Rodney and shifted in his seat as he mentally shook himself from his contemplations.

"Uh...don't you think you should slow down?" he asked, looking at the road and then back at Rodney.

"What?" Rodney frowned at him momentarily before looking back at the road.

"Slowing down. It's a good idea if you don't want to break your neck," John reiterated with a grin. "Or mine for that matter."

He loved seeing this side of Mckay. Some days you never knew which side of Mckay you were dealing with, because he was constantly bringing out knew aspects of himself that kept him on his toes.

"Huh," Rodney looked at him with a small smile playing around his lips.

"What?"

"I just never thought I'd hear you say that."

"What d'you mean?"

"It's just that you love anything that goes fast. Jet fighters, puddle jumpers, all of that macho man grunt kind of stuff and you're telling me to slow down?" Rodney had an incredulous look on his face that was rather endearing, and John smiled as he looked out the window.

"Yeah well, I'd rather live to see Atlantis again rather than have myself wrapped around a tree because you can't handle the speed."

"Can't handle the speed? I'll have you know that driving a car is _vastly _different to those stupid F302's that you're so fond of..."

"That's hardly the point, Rodney. Now would you slow down?" John griped back, gripping the door as Rodney veered around a corner faster than he should have.

They were onto a main road now, but that didn't mean that the scenery was any less pretty. Rodney sure knew how to pick picturesque holiday locations, that was for sure.

"I'm totally..."

"Rodney." John level a look at him, and Rodney sighed, backing off the accelerator enough so that John could breathe a little easier. It made his heart skip a beat whenever Rodney complied with John's wishes. No one could ever say that Rodney cowered in front of him, but some thread of common sense in the man seemed to recognize that John did, in fact, know some things that Rodney himself didn't, especially when it came to anything military or diplomatic and he usually submitted to John's requests and warnings with very little fuss.

"I didn't save your ass so that you could die in a lousy car accident on Earth," John said as Rodney drove into the main street of the small town, and pulled into a parking space beside the only convenience store.

"Of course not. There are too many things to fix in Atlantis, too many scientists who need herding for me to lie down and die. Of course, the fact that Radek's there and seems to be handling things in my absence had no bearing at all..."

John, though not really surprised by the slightly bitter tone in his friends voice, felt those words slice through him like a knife. He had suspected that Rodney was struggling with everything that had happened but he hadn't known just how deeply the self-doubt had been driven.

The bare-faced truth was that Atlantis wasn't the same without Rodney. It didn't feel as much like home as it should have, and he liked to think that she had mourned for the person who had understood her better than anyone as Rodney did.

"You know...you should see some of the new protocols that have been established since you've been gone," John said casually as he followed Rodney down the isles of the store. "They've got these stupid rules that allow them to remove safety protocols the ancients had in place. You'd think that that wouldn't be..."

"I'm sorry. _What?" _Rodney head whipped around momentarily for the sole purpose of glaring at him. John fought down his grin and ignored the curious looked of their fellow shoppers who had turned at Rodney's abrupt outburst.

"Yeah. I mean, once there was this time they over rode the safety locks on these containers and that sent the city's lock down procedures haywire. Teyla and Ronon were locked out on one of the balconies for more than 48 hours. And there was this other time..." John picked up an apple and inspected it casually.

"Stop," Rodney held up a hand. "Please just stop. You're making me feel sick just by listening. I swear, how those _morons _ever got their doctorates, I have no idea..."

John grinned as he followed Rodney, who was stalking up and down the aisles muttering as he threw this and that into the basket he had picked up.

John was more than willing to listen to Rodney's ranting about incompetent scientists and how far the chain of command had deteriorated. He 'mmmed' and 'aahed' at the right times and every now and then threw in an idle comment that stirred Rodney's ire once more back to full force.

By the time they had paid for their goods and loaded them in the car, Rodney was finally running out of steam. It was good to see him back to his usual grouchy self, and John realized that they hadn't really spent much time talking since Jeannie had arrived. He paused as he opened his door.

"Hey. You wanna go for a walk or something? I need to stretch my legs," he offered, trying not to sound too eager. Cool and collected, that was him.

"Why? Not being in a life or death situation every fifteen minutes getting on your nerves?" Rodney asked sharply as he got into the car.

"Something like that, yeah."

Rodney said nothing as they drove out of town, but John noticed that he was driving more like a normal person. It was a bit of a worry to watch him drive, he admitted to himself, especially since he was notorious for getting lost within his thoughts and completely ignoring everyone and everything around him.

For awhile they drove in silence, and John assumed that Rodney had dismissed the idea completely until they were turning off the main road onto a nearly invisible dirt one.

"Uh…where are we going?" John asked, confused as he glanced at Rodney and then back at the road that wound itself way between the tall trunks of the trees.

"We're going for a walk," Rodney was frowning. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Well, yea but this is more like…cross country four wheel driving," John replied. "Or maybe even rallying…" he added when Rodney took yet another corner way too fast. "You know that walking implies that we actually get out of the car and use our legs, right?"

"I'm familiar with the concept Colonel," Rodney replied sarcastically. "After all the times you've practically _dragged _me across every kind of alien planet imaginable…"

"Hey, there was no dragging involved. You volunteered when they were assigning teams, remember?" John protested.

"..in all kinds of horrific weather," Rodney continued as if John hadn't spoken at all, "with injuries and dead people and _children_, I think I'm up to date with the whole _walking _thing, thank you very much."

"Now there's no need to get snippy. I was just saying…"

"Well you don't need to because we're here already."

Rodney cut the engine and got out before he could reply. John was grinning when he closed his door though. It had been so long since they'd argued about _anything_ that it felt good. There was absolutely no other person like Rodney anywhere. He was a completely unique human being, who had been conditioned, he suspected, entirely by circumstance.

"And would you get that goofy grin off your face?" Rodney said as they walked side by side away from the path. "You look like daffy duck."

John found he didn't need to say anything to that so he shoved his hands into his pockets as they hiked over the uneven forest floor. He had no idea where they were going, but Rodney seemed to have some destination in mind so he happily followed.

"How's the leg then?" Rodney asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Not bad. There's still some bruising but the swellings gone down mostly," John replied.

While it still hurt most of the time, he had discarded the crutches and was getting around well enough without them. No doubt Keller would be pitching a fit if she knew, but she was in a whole other galaxy (and wasn't that fun to say) so it didn't really bother him all that much.

"So you just decided to forgo the crutches then?" Rodney asked, eying John critically as he limped along.

"Yeah. So?"

"You know that doctors tell you things for a reason, right?" Rodney replied, looking ahead once more. "Like, oh I don't know, preventing further injury? Perhaps even death?"

"I'm hardly going to die from a busted knee Rodney," John said dryly, trying hard not to smile. "I figure the sooner I'm up and about the sooner I can get back on active duty once we return to Atlantis."

Rodney gave him a strange look but said nothing, pushing on ahead so that John had to struggle to keep up as the walked further up a gentle, yet steady incline. It was a day John had never thought he'd live to see; the day when _he _was the one struggling to keep up with Rodney. The irony of that struck him rather suddenly and he had to fight not to laugh out loud.

"So anyway….Radek was talking about handing the Science Department back to you again," John said after an awkward beat. "I think he's been driven mad by the constant calls in the middle of the night for help. And trust me when I tell you…"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Rodney interrupted him abruptly.

"What do you mean?" John asked, a sudden unpleasant feeling churning his gut. "It's your science department. You built it practically from scratch…"

"I'm not even sure if I'll be…" Rodney stopped what he was say and looked away to their left. "It's not far now…."

He made as if to keep walking, but John grabbed his arm above the elbow and pulled him around.

"Tell me what you mean," he said evenly, trying to sound calm and in control.

Rodney sighed and looked down at the ground for a few moments before finally meeting John's eyes.

"I'm not sure if I'll be returning to Atlantis." He said slowly. "I haven't….I haven't really thought about what I'm going to do yet."

"You can't be serious," John stated, hating the horrible cold dread that had gripped his body. He couldn't lose sight of Rodney again. What they had experienced together and what they had survived through had forged bonds that were stronger than any metal. He wasn't supposed to just give up on everything they had fought to preserve for all the years they had known each other. It wasn't right and it most definitely wasn't fair.

Rodney may have been a lot of things, but a quitter wasn't one of them. His stubborn pride and his drive for perfection kept him from just backing off when he probably should have, and while it was something that never failed to drive John absolutely crazy sometimes, it was also one of the things that had kept their friendship strong.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Rodney snapped, some of the fire returning to his demeanor.

"But why? Atlantis is our home," John struggled to find the right way to express the confusion and shock that was tying his stomach in knots and boggling his mind completely.

"I'm a liability, John. You and I both know it. I'm not fit to be on the team. I'm not fit to be in charge of the Science Department anymore. I can barely organize myself, let alone a large group of people who need to keep Atlantis running and functional," Rodney explained, a defeated and tired look on his face that John had grown too familiar with over the last couple of weeks.

While it had always seemed that the team couldn't function properly without Rodney, the possibility of him not being in Atlantis at all was unimaginable for John. Atlantis without Rodney wasn't complete, at least in his opinion. Sure, it might be able to function in his absence, but it would always seem incomplete and out of whack. At least to him.

"Rodney." John stopped and tried to gather his thoughts as he put his hands on his hips and looked at the ground for a minute before studying his friend's haggard face. "Right now, I don't think you know where your head is at. At least...look, give yourself some time to adjust. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Just give yourself some time. You don't have to jump back into the way things were. We can take it a little at a time as you feel up to it, but don't make any rash decisions that you're going to regret."

"There are extenuating circumstances, John," Rodney told him. "I haven't made any decisions yet and I know that I expect too much of myself sometimes. I just wanted to let you know. So I don't completely blindside you if it happens."

"What do you mean, extenuating circumstances?" he demanded. "What aren't you telling me?"

"I can't...it's nothing you need to worry about at the moment, John."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean? Of course I'm going to worry about it, Rodney. You can't say things like that and expect me not to..."

"Just leave it alone, okay?" Rodney shouted unexpectedly.

John was shocked into silence. Despite Rodney's good intentions, he _was_ completely blindsided by this unexpected revelation and he was angry too, no doubt about that. Rodney even considering walking away raised an irrational anger in his that surprised him with its ferocity. But beneath all that there was the horrible fear that froze him to his core. Not being able to see the man he had grown to love, not being able to talk to him or to protect him or touch him was something that terrified him. They had been friends through thick and thin, and John knew that he couldn't function properly without him.

Once upon a time, John would have been okay with it. He would have clapped him on the shoulder with a well meant "Good luck buddy" and waved him off on his way without batting an eyelid. That time and that man had disappeared a long time ago.

If Rodney was to disappear from his life, John would be left missing a vital piece of his heart and one that he probably couldn't function without.

He could live with the fact that Rodney would never be completely his, and that he would never know what it would be like to touch him, to kiss him. As long as he could see him every day and be a part of John's life, he could deal with it. But if Rodney was more than a million miles away in another galaxy, moving on and living his life, forgetting John, then he would never be okay.

The thought made him depressed down to the very soles of his shoes.

"I'm sorry," Rodney apologized, rubbing at his eyes with the fingers of one hand. "Look, I don't want to fight, okay? Can we just forget about it for now? I promise we'll talk about it later."

Mutely, John nodded, feeling a little numb and slowly, they started walking again. The quiet between them was strained and harsh, and a far cry from the easy companionship they had shared not minutes before.

It was the story of his life really. He would find a good thing, only to lose it soon after. He had lost his mother when he was only young; he had been ostracized from his family at a young age because of his independent and rebellious nature. In foreign countries he had lost friends to violence, and while he had exceeded all that was expected of him, he had still been packed off to Antarctica like a dog with its tail between its legs, though it had been the start of a whole new life for him.

Atlantis had been a multitude of experiences that was more than enough to satisfy his ever hungry curiosity, but with the good came the bad and he had lost people too. He had made more enemies than he cared to admit, he had made allies and the occasional lover, but real and true friendships were rare and he had found that with Rodney.

"I used to come here sometimes when everything got too much," Rodney spoke up suddenly. "Area 51 was more than I could ever have hoped for, but even that wore on the nerves eventually. I found this place not long after I was introduced to Stargate Command."

John listened in silence as they walked on. The huge trees were thinning a little, becoming more spread out, and he could see glimpses of the brilliant blue sky. Despite everything, there was nothing quite like the fresh air of the outdoors, sharp and cool, and with the sun beating down on his warm skin it was more than a little surreal. It was during the rare time he had off when he allowed himself to just stop worrying about everything that could go wrong and start living solely in the present. Being outdoors had always helped him do that. There was no need to plan ahead to avoid life or death situations, no ones lives hanging in the balance and no wars to be fought.

As he breathed deeply and cherished the feel of warm sunlight on his face, he listened to Rodney's voice, loving the way it sounded when it wasn't weighed down by barely contained panic or irritation or exhaustion.

"I drove all the way out here the first time and found the house that we're staying in. I kept coming back at least once a year after that. It was on my third visit that I found this place." Rodney told him as they finally emerged from the trees and into a tiny clearing that ended in a steep cliff.

The view was breathtaking. The tiny, natural look out offered a fantastic, clear cut view of the distant mountains, the small town on the other side of the sparkling blue lake and the miles and miles of woodland beyond that.

"It's beautiful."

"Isn't it?" Rodney was smiling to himself slightly as he looked out over the water. "I've never shown anyone else this place before."

John turned to him, insanely touched by the notion.

"I'm glad you showed me."

Rodney said nothing as he looked back out over the lake once more, but that small smile didn't leave his face.

* * *

Caleb and Madison turned up mid afternoon before Rodney and John had returned. They'd spent the afternoon sitting on that little cliff just watching. They hadn't talked at all, but that was okay. It was rare that John had found anyone who he could just sit with and not be forced to make awkward conversation, and despite Rodney's usual incessant need to talk non-stop, he had been quiet for most of the afternoon.

Not that that was unusual after his rescue. He was a different person from the one that had been taken from them, more introspective and even a little nicer to people. But John could see that the Rodney he had rescued was more of a shadow to the old one he had grown used to and he swore to himself that he would see that old feisty Mckay back one day, no matter what it would take.

When they pulled into the driveway, Caleb and Jeannie were sitting on the porch wrapped around each other while Madison was playing in the yard, several toys already scattered around the yard. It looked like they'd been there long enough to have unpacked and settled down to relax.

John didn't know Caleb very well, but he recognized his long, lanky form and curly hair from the single picture Rodney kept in his quarters on Atlantis.

Jeannie stood up as Rodney shut off the engine and they got out of the car. By Rodney's grimace he knew what she was about the say, but both were prevented from beginning their verbal attack on each other by the small, squealing little girl who hurled herself at Rodney's legs, knocking him sideways a few steps.

"Uh...Madison. Hi." Rodney patted her head awkwardly and John had to hide his smile as he ducked into the back seat to retrieve the shopping bags.

"Did you bring me a present?" the little girl demanded, and when John straightened he had to laugh at Rodney's expression.

Leaving the two to their bonding, he headed up the stairs lugging the shopping with him. While he felt a little less bad about their almost-argument earlier, he had been able to banish it completely from his thoughts.

Something must have shown on his face because Jeannie stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"John? Is everything okay?"

He managed a smile for her. "Yeah, everything's fine."

She searched his face for a long minute before nodding and dropping her hand.

"John, this is my husband Caleb, Caleb, Colonel John Sheppard. He's a friend of Mer's."

He shifted some of his bags to his other hand so he could shake Caleb's hand.

"Nice to meet you. Rodney's told me a little about you."

"Really?" Caleb smiled and glanced at the subject of their conversation. "I can't imagine Meredith being friends with anyone in the Military."

John had to smile at that. "We work together. But yeah, he's my friend."

"One of the only one's he has," Jeannie commented dryly. "Go and dump that stuff on the kitchen bench, John. There's a beer in the fridge. I'm sure you need it after witnessing Mer's driving."

"Tell me about it," John muttered as he went into the house.

For a long minute he leaned against the fridge, his forehead against the cold metal. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to be angry or upset with Rodney about the whole leaving thing. On one hand, he could understand why he was considering it, but on the other hand the very thought of Rodney being able to leave him and Atlantis tore at him on the inside.

"Hey. You okay?"

He straightened and glanced behind him to see Rodney standing in the middle of the kitchen watching him with concern.

"Yeah," he replied as he opened to fridge and got himself a beer. "You want one?"

"Uh...no. I was going to have coffee."

He nodded and shut the fridge door before twisting the cap off his and taking a swig as he turned around and watched Rodney prepare his coffee.

"Jeannie's cooked up quite a feast," he commented at last.

If the wonderful smells were anything to go by, they wouldn't go hungry that was for sure. There was something roasting in the oven that made his stomach growl in expectation.

"She always loved to cook," Rodney said. "Even when she was a teenager. Of course, our parents weren't around much to actually bother cooking dinner every night, but she never minded. Roasts were her specialty."

"Hm," John took another drink. "My dad always hired the best cooks. I never knew what my mum's cooking was like. She died when I was four."

"Oh. I didn't know that," Rodney glanced as him as he got a cup down from one of the cupboards, and John quickly averted his eyes from that enticing ass. 'I'm sorry. Do you miss her?"

John shrugged. "Can't miss someone you never knew. My father was never really around so most of the time it was just my brother and me."

"Are you going to go and visit him?" Rodney asked with his back turned.

"Why? You want to get rid of me so soon?" he knew he sounded defensive, and he silently cursed himself for showing just how much Rodney's decision was affecting him.

"No, nothing like that," Rodney said quickly, turning around. "I don't blame you for not being happy with me right now. I just wanted you to know that..."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," John said, a little more curtly than he had intended to.

"I think I do. I owe you more than I can ever repay, I know that. I just thought it was better to be honest with you than..."

"I appreciate that Rodney, but you don't owe me anything," John interrupted. "You don't owe anyone anything."

"On the contrary I think I do," he replied with that stubborn set to his jaw that told John he was in for a fight. "You rescued me when I thought I'd be a prisoner forever. You didn't give up on me despite what people were telling you. You came for me when no one else would and you have no idea what that means to me. I'll do anything I can to make it up to you. Anytime you need anything, all you have to do is ask and I'll do it, no questions asked."

"Tell me what it is you're hiding from me," John blurted, then kicked himself when he realized what he had said. There was a beat when neither of them said anything, and Rodney stared down into his cup of coffee.

"Sorry," John muttered. "That wasn't fair of me."

"Don't worry about it," Rodney replied quietly. "Would it help you if I promised to tell you later? I can't talk about it now. Not with everything that's going on."

John didn't miss his glance towards the front door, and knew that he was talking about their present company. He wished, for a moment, that they were alone, and that it was just him and Rodney for awhile and all the time in the world to iron out the problems and wrinkles that had come into existence between them. But if wishes were horses….

"I'm not going to push you to tell me, Rodney. Whatever it is, it's your business, not mine. I just want to know that you're safe and that you're okay."

"I'm okay. Or I will be. I _want _to tell you and I will. Just...not yet."

"I can settle for that."

They stood there, the silence awkward once more, and John cursed the foul mood he had fallen into. He wasn't really fit to be around anyone, and he knew it. He knocked back the remainder of his beer and set the empty bottle down on the counter. He managed a tight smile.

"Look, I'm tired. I'm going to have a shower."

With that he walked out of the room, not looking behind him at all and not waiting for an answer. He realized that he was being childish and selfish, but the last couple of months were finally catching up with him, and he felt that he needed some time to himself. It wasn't that he was disappointed with Rodney. More that if he stayed in the same room any longer while Rodney had that pleading, helpless look in his eyes, he would probably drop everything to pull him into his arms and whisper endearing words into his ear.

The last thing Rodney probably needed at that moment was more sympathy. He wasn't blind, he had seen the way Rodney had started to pull away from anyone who offered him pity or treated him any differently. He had seen the way that he grew snappish and distant with anyone who saw him as a victim. But John didn't see him that way. He saw Rodney as a survivor, as someone who had battled the odds and come through by the strength of his will alone.

John had a bad habit of trying to protect the people he loved, even when they didn't always want or need it. And while he couldn't read Rodney's mind, he was pretty sure that he didn't want the kind of comfort that John wanted to offer.

TBC

A/N: I appologise for the lengthy delay in posting this chapter! Recent illness and planning a holiday have prevented me from focusing my attention in my writing as much as I would prefer. Thanks go to all the people who reviewed and sent me private messages in encouragement! I appreciate your dedication to my work and I hope you enjoyed this latest installment! Don't worry, I plan to post again as soon as possible!


	11. Of Questions and Conclusions

CHAPTER TEN: _Of Questions and Conclusions_

_If I should die before I wake  
It's 'cause you took my breath away  
Losing you is like living in a world with no air  
Oh_

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave  
My heart won't move, it's incomplete  
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

- No Air by Jordin Sparks

* * *

"Whatcha working on?" Jeannie asked as she placed a cup on the desk before him.

"Nothing really," Rodney murmured distractedly as he reached for the cup.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me. What are these equations for?"

Rodney took a sip from the cup in his hand and promptly choked, nearly spitting the hot liquid out.

"What is this? Tea?" he demanded, glowering at his sister.

She straightened and put her hands on her hips, her blue eyes hard and flinty. He took a moment to rethink his question, but before he could open his mouth to rephrase it, she was off.

"Yes, brother-dearest, it's tea. Tea is good for you; coffee isn't, especially in your condition."

"Jeez, will you keep it down? The entire town can hear you," he muttered, but she took no notice of him as he hunched down further in his chair.

"And yes, you're welcome for me taking time to make it for you. Not to mention the fact that I cooked that entire meal by _myself _while you were gallivanting around the country side with your crush."

"Shit Jeannie...okay okay, I'm sorry! Now can you keep your voice down or are there any other of my darkest secrets that you want the rest of the house to hear?"

She seemed to unwind a little after that and she brushed a stray curl away from her face.

"Sorry. And anyway, where is John? I haven't seen him since dinner."

Rodney slid further down in his chair, trying to ignore the spasms in his back as he rubbed his hands over his face. Before him, the desk was strewn with papers he had been scribbling over. Even in another galaxy the physics that kept Atlantis running wouldn't leave him alone. It seemed that he had fallen quite easily back into that old habit of absorbing himself in his work whenever his mind was troubled. Jeannie would have told him that his avoidance techniques left a lot to be desired. Rodney liked to this that it was his way of dealing.

"He uh...I think he's in his room," Rodney replied, not looking at his sister. "He needs some alone time I think."

"Why? He seemed fine earlier," Jeannie sounded puzzled.

But then, she hadn't been living with him for the last four years (minus the couple of months of his captivity.) When you spent that much time with someone you learned their quirks and their habits quite intimately. It could be both a curse and a blessing when it came to John.

"Yeah well, he always does, right up until the point when he explodes. I'm telling, you getting inside that man's head is like navigating your way through a mine field blindfolded."

"So what happened?"

He glanced up at his sister as she leaned against the edge of the desk and looked down at him. He reached out and picked up the warm cup of tea she had bought him before taking another experimental sip. It was sweet and hot and strangely nice. He had never been a tea drinker, but then Jeannie had always been good at making things. Like children, and food and irrefutable, logical sense.

"I think he's mad at me," he sighed, really feeling his exhaustion.

"Why? What did you do?"

"What do you mean, what did I do? Why do you always assume that it's me who..."

"Because it usually is," she interrupted calmly. "What happened?"

"I told him that I might not go back to Atlantis."

She looked genuinely shocked at that, but before she could say anything Rodney kept talking.

"I know what you're going to say. I came here with every intention of returning, but now that I think about it, I'm not so sure that it's the best thing to do," Rodney explained helplessly. "I tried to explain it to John but he just doesn't understand."

"Well he wouldn't would he?" Jeannie said reasonably. "Look at it like this. Who's going to help you when you make a decision about the baby? Who could possibly understand or be in a position to protect you? The way I see if you would be best off on Atlantis."

"I know that. I do. But it just seems like I'm nothing but a liability while I'm there. I'm no use of the team and the science department is more than better off without me." Rodney rubbed his eyes tiredly once more. "I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being torn in two. Half of me wants to be there, and the other half wants to just let it go and find another life here."

"Rodney." Jeannie stood up. "You're not thinking straight. You love Atlantis more than you've loved anything. I know, remember? I was there when you gave up music and took up science instead. I've always admired your complete dedication to something you love and I've never, not once, seen you work so hard on a project before Atlantis. You need to ask yourself where you want to be in the end. Forget all that crap about not feeling like you're good enough, or what other people think, and just think about yourself for a minute. Deep down, where do you feel the most at home?"

Rodney sat there, unable to think of an answer. After a minute of silence, Jeannie stood up and leaned over to kiss his forehead.

"Drink your tea and try to get some sleep. You need all the rest you can get."

She left him alone after that. The house was quiet, and Rodney sat in the dark study with the desk lamp all on as the thought.

Silence was something that was very rare in his life. It ate at him sometimes because he hated the lack of noise, the lack of activity. When everything was still, he could lose himself in his thoughts all too easily, and it wasn't the kind of thinking that produced brilliant breakthroughs. It was melancholy thinking as he pondered the direction his life had taken, and all the things he lacked.

Atlantis was a dream come true for him, he had always been aware of that. It presented a never ending puzzle of issues that needed to be figured out or fixed. A city that was more than ten thousand years old had survived on her own for hundreds of years and they were barely scratching the surface of how she ran.

But apart from all the scientific wonders that she presented, Rodney had carved out a home for himself within the routines and the regulations they had set up there. Granted, it was a home wrought with danger and more than a little heartache, but that hadn't come as any sort of surprise to him. Anything worth having was worth fighting for. It was more than that though; it was that sense of belonging to a bigger picture that made it all worthwhile. It was something he had longed for his entire life, and had never been able to find until Atlantis. High School had been a never ending procession if disappointment and embarrassment, and he'd been only too happy to leave that particular nightmare behind. His home life had left a lot to be desired and the endless procession of job after job had grown harrowing after a couple of years.

Atlantis had come along out of no where and kicked him in the ass, expelling all his preconceptions and bitter expectations right out door.

He had doubted himself and his abilities since he had been kidnapped and taken prisoner, but it was stupid. Sure, Atlantis could run without him, and that was a good thing. But there was a part of him that knew he had more to contribute. He could make it run smoother, make it run more efficiently. He could utilize people's abilities better than anyone knew, because while he may be egotistical and self-centered at the best of times, he could recognize that there were some things he was absolutely hopeless at.

Feeling slightly better with himself, Rodney stood up and turned off the lamp. Now that he had started to sort out what he was going to do, the very thought of sleep seemed like the best idea he'd had all day.

* * *

"Uncle Mer, Uncle Mer!!" Something shouted in his ear.

For a moment, he thought he was still asleep, but when he was jolted rudely again, he opened blurry eyes and was greeted by the sight of his young niece bouncing happily on his bed with her blond pig tails flying.

"Go 'way..." he groaned, rolling over and pulling the blankets up around his ears.

"It's time to get up! Mommy said so. She's making breakfast! Pancakes," she chirped.

"It should be illegal for you to be up so early," he muttered into his pillow. "Lemme 'lone…"

"Aww, Rodney. Don't be like that," someone drawled lazily from the doorway.

He poked his head out a little to see John leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed and a lazy smile on his face. His hair was sleep tousled and a pair of loose cotton trousers hung low on his hips. His chest was bare, and Rodney had to tear his eyes away from all that muscled glory.

"Jesus. Go put a shirt on. You're corrupting my innocent niece."

His only answer was snorted laughter and Madison bouncing once more on the bed, obviously displeased with being ignored.

"Uncle Mer!" she whined this time. "Get up!"

"Jeannie wants you to take her for a walk before breakfast," John informed him, still grinning his evil grin from where he was leaning on the door jam.

He groaned into the pillow, thanking the gods that he wasn't feeling sick.

"Did you tell her she's dreaming?"

"Somehow I don't think she's going to accept that as an answer,' John smirked at him.

"_Rodney!!" _was Jeannie's timely input. "_If you're not out of bed in five minutes you miss out on pancakes!! With real maple syrup!!"_

"As opposed to the fake kind?" Rodney grumbled, throwing back the covers from his face and shivering at the cool air. He lay there staring at the ceiling and trying to remember the last time he had been so rudely awakened but his sleep addled brain came up blank.

"Well, there was that stuff they served once in the mess," John said thoughtfully. "You remember that sap stuff the Athosian's traded for on PX3-490?"

"The stuff that tasted like pears? Yuch," Rodney grimaced as he sat up. "How could I forget? It was so sticky it could permanently glue two people together."

"Remember Lorne and Jamison?" John grinned at him. "The looks on their faces."

Rodney laughed as he remembered that particular incident. It was the one and only time the mess had served that particular Pegasus delicacy.

"_Rodney!!"_

_"_Okay, already! I'm up!" he shouted back as he threw back the covers.

Madison squealed with joy and leapt off the bed and dashing out past John to race down the hallway hollering for her father.

John grinned at him once more before he turned to leave Rodney in peace.

"Hey John," he said hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"We're okay right?" he asked, trying not to show his anxiety. "I mean, you're not mad at me?"

John pursed his lips and looked at him for a long, measured moment.

"We're good Rodney. You just...do what you need to do. I'll understand either way."

With that, he was gone. Rodney sat on the edge of his bed and sighed in relief before standing up unsteadily and going into the bathroom.

Madison turned out to be a whirlwind of energy and Rodney wasn't afraid to admit that if he was anything like her when he was on a roll, he finally understood why people tried not to be noticed. She was bouncy and bright and full of ridiculous ideas that never failed to make him smile, no matter how hard he tried not too.

It was way too early for him to be up and about, but he found himself enjoying their walk. Madison talked non-stop about her school, her friends, about Jeannie and Caleb and about how she wanted to be a vet when she grew up. As he listened and inserted a cynical comment or remark, he came to realize that she was pretty smart for a kid her age. Granted, when he was her age he was already absorbed in his piano playing memorizing scores of music centuries old. Madison hadn't yet found anything to focus her intelligence on yet, and he made a mental note to point that out to Jeannie later.

"So what do you do uncle Mer?" she asked abruptly as she skipped along beside him.

"I...what?" he blinked at her, startled by the sudden silence.

"Well, daddy's an English teacher at the uni...unvis...school, and mommy looks after me and writes papers and stuff. What about you?" she looked up at him, her bright eyes curious.

Rodney glanced at her and cleared his throat, looking at the leaf litter on the winding path they were walking as he wondered how to reply. They had chosen a very pretty path, one that wound itself around by the side of the lake. It wove in and out between the massive oak trees. Madison was skipping happily, kicking through piles of dried leaves as they went along. Her bright gold curls shone iridescently in the early morning light, and it became very clear why she was so loved by her parents.

She was a bright spark, innocent and happy, naive of all the things that could go wrong in the world. She had no idea what kind of heartache her life would hold for her in the future and he understood the deep seated desire to protect someone so young. Preserving her purity for as long as possible seemed to be something that was deeply embedded in Jeannie and Caleb. And if he concentrated really hard, he could feel it in himself as well, because he recognized that maybe once, a long time ago, he had been like her.

But that still didn't disguise the fact that she was maybe a little too curious and intelligent for her own good, and that she had a habit of asking difficult questions.

"What did your mom tell you about me?" he asked, proud of himself for dodging that particular bullet. Madison frowned.

"She said that you're a scienfist..."

"Scientist," he corrected before he could stop himself.

"A scientist and that you help fight bad people." she finished, still frowning.

"Right well," Rodney smiled, secretly please at Jeannie's description. Although it would be more accurate to say that he fended off that bad people and certain death, he wasn't about to say that out loud. "That's what I do. I help fight bad...people."

"What kind of bad people?"

"What?"

"What do they do that makes them bad?"

Rodney was stumped. How the hell did Jeannie deal with all the _questions_ and stay sane at the same time? And how was he supposed to keep from upsetting her? He'd never had much of an imagination, and making up stories to satisfy children wasn't one of his known talents.

"Uh...well. They hurt other people. That's what makes them bad. And they don't feel sorry for it," Rodney said eventually, trying to hide his awkwardness.

"Oh okay. Is John a scientist as well?"

Jesus, when would the questions end? And who could think so clearly first thing in the morning, not to mention the fact that they hadn't even had breakfast yet. Fortunately, he had refused to be budged from the kitchen until he had consumed some sort of caffeine, even with Jeannie glaring and lecturing at him.

"Uh..." Rodney suppressed the urge to laugh. "No he's not. He's a soldier. In the Air Force."

"So what does he do?"

Rodney resisted the urge to stop and beat his head against the tree. There was something to be said for being too intelligent. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.

"He flies things. Planes and helicopters and things like that," he replied. Or he used to. Only now he added Puddle Jumpers and Wraith Darts to that list...

"Ohhh!" she jumped up and down, excited. "He flies things? Do you think he'd take me flying?"

There was no way in hell Jeannie would let that happen, he knew, but he didn't want to dash the hope that was lighting up her blue eyes.

"Why don't you ask him that?" he suggested, mentally sniggering as he pictured that scene. John, unlike himself, was actually marginally good with small children, but it would still be funny.

"Okay," she agreed brightly. "Mommy's making pancakes for breakfast!"

Rodney found he could share her enthusiasm on that particular subject. He watched as she danced ahead, her arms flying and her curls bouncing endearingly. She kicked up more leaves and laughed as they floated around her.

There was an aching in his heart that he could barely contain as he watched her. Madison was truly a gem, and he only regretted that he hadn't been around to see her grow up. He knew exactly where the paternal feeling was coming from, but he couldn't entirely blame it on hormones or anything silly like that.

It was an eye opening experience, walking with Madison, and one he would not forget anytime soon.

By the time they returned from their walk he was feeling pleasantly tired, and his muscles ached slightly. It was a good feeling though; he felt like he could breath again properly, and it was a nice change from being so physically and emotionally exhausted that he was on the verge of collapse. He had probably been living on pure adrenaline and lack of sleep for way too long, and slowing down to something that resembled a normal pace had never been easy for him, but he found that when he spent time with Jeannie and John and Madison and even Caleb, it was a little bit easier to relax.

Madison skipped up the stairs and raced inside with Rodney following at a slower pace. He listened to Jeannie hollering for Madison to take off her shoes as he slipped his own from his feet.

When he entered the kitchen, John greeted him with a cup of coffee and a smile which Rodney returned.

"Nice walk?" Jeannie called from the sink

"Yeah," Rodney replied, surprised to find that it was true. "Yeah, it was."

* * *

John took Jeannie, Madison and Caleb out in his boat onto the lake that day, giving Rodney some blessed time alone. While he loved his family (and John) more than anything, he was a solitary person by nature, and he knew he would soon be going stir crazy if he didn't get at least a few hours alone to work on something of his own choosing.

That afternoon, he found himself drawn to the study once more. While real life could be as distracting and as confusing as hell, there were equations running through his mind that refused to leave him in peace, and he welcomed them whole heartedly. At least it took his mind off of things and gave him some respite from all the _thinking. _

As he often found, he didn't know exactly what the equations meant as he penned them onto paper (and wasn't it annoying not to have his usual PDA on hand?).

Power consumption of the ZPM on Atlantis was something that had always bothered him. He had always been fascinated by the way they were created and how they functioned, and while he could fault the ancients for their numerous flaws, he had to admire the genius with which they created things, despite all the flaws and redundancies that he had often run into.

ZPM's were by far the most fascinating and it was a continuing source of frustration to him that there was no way to create more, or to recharge the one they had. If only he could figure out the way they worked then maybe he had a chance of figuring out exactly how he could keep the city up and running indefinitely.

It was probably impossible. Rodney could spend his entire life working on it and never figure it out. But John had rescued him against all odds, he had done the impossible for Rodney and he figured that at least he could do was take the burden of trying to survive off his shoulders just a little by providing him with enough power to defend his beloved city.

So he spent the afternoon with his equations and mathematics, content to scribble down what he did know of the ZPM's as a starting point. He knew them off by heart, at least, and that was enough to go from.

Before he knew it, he had lost himself in his work and the afternoon rolled into the evening. He was vaguely aware of Madison playing noisily in the hall outside the study before Jeannie hustled her away and tried to impress upon her daughter the need for quiet. Both she and John slipped in every now and then, mostly just to bring him drinks and a sandwich, but they left him in peace.

It was dark by the time he dropped his pencil and sat back, stretching tentatively and hearing his back pop.

The house was strangely quiet so he stood up, and closed the notebook he had been writing in before tucking it away for the night.

Rodney wandered down the hallway and into the kitchen. He could hear the quiet murmur of voices on the porch and was about to go join them when he caught sight of a note on the table. It was in John's messy script, informing him that there was dinner in the oven.

Smiling, he pulled the plate out. It spoke volumes to him that both he and Jeannie knew him well enough to know that he hated being disturbed when he was in the middle of something.

He sat at the bench and got started on the plate of spaghetti that they had left him, not realizing how hungry he had been. There was also a bowl of salad that Jeannie had made for him, and he ate that too. Before he knew it, everything was gone, and he was feeling very full and content.

After washing his plate (Jeannie would have skinned him alive if he didn't) he ventured out onto the porch. Jeannie and Caleb were sitting together with Madison lying across their laps, fast asleep and covered in a blanket. John was sitting opposite them in one of the comfy arm chairs, on ankle resting on his other knee and a beer cradled in one hand. The radio was playing quietly, the strains of an old country song providing background noise to the quiet conversation.

John saw him first, and he smiled.

"Hey. Finally decided to join the land of the living, huh?"

Rodney returned the smile and collapsed into the chair next to him.

"Did you eat?" Jeannie asked in that mother hen way she had.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Of course."

"Good. You'd wither away and die if someone wasn't there to remind you to eat and drink," she replied affectionately.

"Oh, I don't know about that," John said. "You should see him if he _doesn't _eat something."

"Oh I've been there. Even he couldn't resist Caleb's Tofu turkey once I informed him that there wasn't anything else," Jeannie grinned and elbowed her husband in the side.

"It's healthier than what the military serve you, I'll bet," Caleb replied with a slight frown.

"They aren't that bad," John protested. "The MRE's are better than nothing when you're stuck off world in the wilderness, aren't they Rodney?"

"Yes yes. If you're all done discussing my dietary habits..." he grumbled.

"Well, we've got to get Maddy to bed I think," Jeannie announced over the top of him, glancing at her husband.

He seemed to take the hint and both he and John watched as they roused a sleepy Madison. Caleb expertly maneuvered her into his arms and with a smile disappeared inside with Jeannie on his heels, leaving both he and John alone together.

He couldn't help but suspect that Jeannie had orchestrated it so that they could spend time alone together.

John took another sip of his beer. "I wonder what Teyla and Ronon are up to at the moment."

Rodney snorted. "I don't think it's that hard to guess. Teyla is probably meditating or doing some hippy crap like that, and Ronon's beating the shit out of the marines in the gym."

John grinned at him again. "Close enough, I think."

"Yeah well, I might have been gone for awhile, but some things never change," Rodney replied, trying to smile. John looked at him for a long minute before standing up, his near empty beer bottle dangling from his fingers.

"Come on. Show me this telescope of yours."

Surprised by his sudden request, Rodney stared at him for a long minute, unsure what to think of the sudden offer. Of course, he remembered offering to show John the stars through his telescope, but he hadn't actually thought that John would take him up on the offer. Rodney had just assumed that it was one of those things that they both said they would always do but never actually got around to doing. He had always assumed that John was humoring him in the way that popular kids humored the geeky kid next door when they had to wait at the bus stop together.

"Up you get," John clicked his fingers to get Rodney's attention. "Go get your telescope."

Rodney clambered to his feet quickly.

"Uh...right. Sure. I'll just..." he gestured awkwardly behind himself before backing away and ducking around the corner of the house. Silently, he cursed himself for acting like a fourteen year old boy with his first crush. He had no doubt that he was blushing uncontrollably and hated his fair complexion all the more.

It didn't take him long to locate his telescope. After all, he couldn't help who he was, and being absolutely paranoid and pedantic about the tools of his trade was a trait of his that was constantly being pointed out by others and made fun of by many.

When he returned to the front of the house, John was standing at end of the small jetty, near the bench with his hands in the pockets of his jeans and his head tilted back to look up at the sky. For a few long minutes, Rodney's couldn't move or think. His heart was beating loudly in his chest, and the picturesque beauty of John fairly look his breath away as the man stood outlined against the calm of the water with the bright stars serving as a muted backdrop.

Rodney knew that he couldn't keep up his act for much longer. Sooner or later he'd break from the force of his emotions for John, because each minute that passed in his company Rodney could feel the gravitational pull of John, like the way a black hole swallowed everything around it. Soon, he would be consumed and he knew that it was only a matter of time. It seemed that time was becoming a precious commodity to him.

Swallowing roughly, Rodney started down towards him, fighting to get control of his expression. As he approached John turned and smiled at him.

"It's a nice night for it. Not a cloud in the sky."

Rodney made a non-committal noise as he crouched down and started taking out his telescope out of its box.

"So…" Rodney cleared his throat as he started to set up the stand. John was sitting on the bench with his arms laid along the top and his beer dangling from one hand. "I was thinking of buying this place."

"Really?" John sounded rather mellow, considering how sore of a subject it was between them recently. Rodney even thinking about investing in property on Earth seemed so final, as if he had made a decision already (which he hadn't) and he was expecting anger of some kind from his friend. The fact that it hadn't shown itself yet made him rather twitchy.

"Yeah. I mean, it's a nice location, quiet and pretty. It would make a good holiday location," he glanced behind him at John as he mounted the telescope on the stand. "Jeannie and Caleb would probably use it more than I would anyway, but it would be nice to have somewhere I can come back to whenever I want."

"Hm," was John's only reply.

"And of course you'd be more than welcome to use it whenever you visit." Rodney continued, wondering where they were going with the conversation. Not that John was putting much effort into it, but Rodney was just counting his blessings that they hadn't exploded into another argument. He wasn't sure how far he was willing to push the subject though, because trying to get John to talk about something he didn't want to was similar to waking a hungry, hibernating bear in the middle of winter. Poke it with a stick and the odds were you'd get your hand bitten off for the effort.

"It's not like there are very many places we can set up holiday locations in the Pegasus," Rodney continued, talking more to himself than to John. "I mean, the place is overrun by the Wraith and that doesn't exactly make relaxing a priority."

"Rodney," John interrupted, with the warmth of humor in his voice. "Are we gonna do this already?"

Surprised, Rodney looked up at John from where he was crouched and realize that he had finished setting the telescope up without even realizing it. His hands had flown through the old familiar routine without him needing to pay attention to what he was doing. Like riding a bike, he thought to himself. Once you learn, you never really forgot.

"Sure." He stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans.

It took him a couple of minutes to adjust the focus of the telescope as he found a particularly pretty constellation to show John, and he wondered vaguely what he was doing with John. Wouldn't it have been a better idea to distance himself and try to ignore the depth of his feelings for the man?

Rodney straightened and stepped back so John could move forward, trying to stifle his inner turmoil as best as he could.

"Have a look," he murmured, looking upwards himself. John had been right when he'd said that it was a good night for star gazing. The light from the distant giants wasn't smothered by pollution from the cities for a change, and they shone strongly against the dark backdrop of space. It reminded him strongly of when he was a boy, and science was one big enigma that he hadn't learnt about yet. That was back before he had known exactly how the universe was created and how stars were born, and back before he had been introduced to the great minds of old that had opened peoples eyes to all the gaping possibilities out there.

He'd been out there. He's flown past blazing stars, circled planets in orbit, even made a terrifying leap through the emptiness of space to get to a broken down satellite. He'd done all that, and it was more than he had ever imagined more than he'd ever thought he'd get to experience.

He stiffened in surprised when John rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned down to look through the lens and he was frozen in place beneath the heavy warmth of it. After a moment though, his knees trembled and his stomach danced in tight circles.

"Wow," John murmured, seemingly oblivious to the effect of the simple contact he'd initiated. "It's stunning."

His hand dropped away from Rodney's shoulder and moved to adjust the focus a little, but Rodney was still frozen in place and his tongue felt like lead in his mouth. He felt jittery from a single touch from John, and he cursed the way he made him feel like an awkward teenager once more. It had been such a long time since anyone had made him feel something so strong and so pure that it reduced him to a mindless puddle of mush, and he couldn't help but resent John's ability to make him forget who he was.

'_Yeah,' _he thought as he looked at John. '_Wow…'_

John straightened from his crouch and smiled at him.

"Show me something else."

Wordlessly, Rodney complied, bending again to readjust the telescope. There was no way he could have made excuses like he wanted to so he could just get away as far as possible from the source of his pain and pleasure.

The boyish glee visible on John's face told Rodney that he was in serious trouble. John projected a unique appeal to those around him, even though he was by nature a very private and secretive person, and it made village leaders trust him, women worship him and inspired unquestioning loyalty in suspicious soldiers.

Rodney should have known that he wasn't immune to that unintentional charm. Somehow, without realizing it he had joined the hordes of women (and no doubt men as well) who had fallen for those roguish good looks and that strange, yet agreeable personality.

Focusing yet again on a set of stars, Rodney straightened and turned around, only to come face to face with John, so close that he could feel the gentle brush of his breath.

He stood frozen to the spot, swallowing nervously and trying desperately not to look into John's amazingly clear hazel eyes. After a few agonizing minutes, his legs finally responded to what his brain was screaming frantically and he made to move around his friend with the intention of sitting down on the bench before his shaky knees gave out on him.

"Rodney," John's voice and a hand on his arm had goose bumps rising on his arm. "I never told you…I just wanted to let you know how…proud I am of you. For surviving what happened to you..."

Rodney stared at him in frozen shock for a long minute. Of all the things he was expecting John to say, that wasn't one of them and he just couldn't wrap his mind around it.

"I..."

"No just listen," John interrupted in that 'listen to me if you want to get out of this alive' voice of his. "When you first came to Atlantis, you didn't know how to protect yourself for shit. You could hardly fire a gun, let alone think your way out of a difficult situation while under enemy fire. I realize that it's not the same thing but...the truth of it is, you survived in enemy territory for months and I doubt that I could have done the same. It's something that I just...I wanted you to know that I admire you. For how you coped with everything."

Rodney realized as he watched John shift uncomfortably exactly why he had fallen in love with him. After all the confusion and the emotional turmoil of the last couple of weeks, Rodney's world slowly righted itself.

In the overwhelming rush of warmth that John's words created within him, Rodney forgot himself, and where they were. Leaning forward, he pressed his mouth to John's without an ounce of hesitation.

His eyes were closed, but he didn't need to see the look of shocked horror on Johns face. He _needed _to show this man exactly how much he meant to Rodney, and it was the only way he knew how.

For a long moment, he lost himself in the soft, slightly chapped lips beneath his own. The heat of John seeped into him, chasing a chill away that had lingered within him for a long time.

John was frozen beneath his chaste kiss, not moving, not pulling away, but standing still and stiff as if he was waiting for it to be over.

Not letting himself linger on the possible consequence of his actions, Rodney pulled back so that they were face to face again and for once he wasn't afraid to look John in the eye, despite the blank look he saw there.

"It was you," he said quietly, his voice rougher than he would have liked. "All I could think about while I was there was Atlantis and you. Even though I had mostly given up hope of ever being found, some part of me must have known that you would come. Sometimes I think that's the only reason I'm still sane now."

A small, bitter smile appeared without him meaning it to. "Although I think that might be in question right now. It's just...something that I wanted you to know. You're a good man, John Sheppard, no matter what you may believe about yourself."

He would have stepped back then, just turned and walked away so he could bury himself in his room and spend the night kicking himself for doing something so monumentally stupid, but for a second he couldn't bring himself to move away from the warmth he could feel emanating for John.

Eventually though, he couldn't stay any longer without it getting awkward and uncomfortable, so he took a step back and that was when John's hands shot out and grabbed his biceps painfully before yanking him forward.

For a breathtaking second, he thought John was going to hurt him, but instead he found himself wrapped in a tight embrace for a second before John's hot, wet mouth was devouring his own fiercely and possessively, plundering mercilessly and taking everything he could get.

Rodney was swept along in a shocked wave of pleasure, responding to every sweep of his tongue. He was vaguely aware of burying one hand in John's hair and holding on tightly with the other, of John's lean, hard body pressing against his own.

John dominated the kiss, turning it deep, wet and dirty and leaving Rodney breathless and turning him into a quivering mass of pleasure and want, unable to quell the small moan that escaped his throat. He had wanted John for such a long time, and he had suffered under his secret burden and to have John finally fulfilling his every wish in such an unexpected way had him pressing even more tightly against him for fear of losing him so soon. He wished he could crawl underneath John's skin so he could be cocooned there, safe and warm for the rest of time.

Sadly though, that was impossible and eventually, John gentled the kiss and pulled away, though he didn't release Rodney from his arms. Instead, he studied Rodney for a few long minutes before he lowered his head and pressed his forehead into Rodney's shoulder.

"You know this is a bad idea right?" John asked after a long time of silence, his voice gravelly. "I can't...It wouldn't be right of me to..."

"It's okay," Rodney whispered his voice steady although his throat was so tight with longing and sadness. He knew he couldn't have John, and he had never allowed himself the illusion that he would be able to. This would only be a treasured memory, standing under the stars on Earth and kissing the breath out of John.

"I never expected anything from it."

John did pull away a bit at that, though he didn't release Rodney entirely. There was a frown on his face.

"Rodney...It's not because I value my career more than you, you know that right?"

"Of course I do!" Rodney managed a small smile for John's benefit. "I understand. And I won't tell anyone, you have my word."

John exhaled a weary, defeated sound that Rodney hated on principle. "And you know that I...that I care about you, right?"

"After the way you just kissed me?" Rodney managed a real smile at that. "I'd have to be stupid not to. And I think we both know that I'm not."

John smiled a little at that then sobered and he raised a hand and trailed his fingers over Rodney's cheek, his eyes a little sad and wistful.

"I just wish..."

"I know." Rodney reached up and captured John's hand in his own. He ran his fingers over the long, tapered lengths of his finger, feeling the blunt, short nails and the hard calluses that came from years of military training and flying. He focused his eyes on looking at those graceful, deadly hands so John wouldn't see the tears in his own.

He wasn't so successful it seemed.

"I hate it when you get that look in your eyes," John whispered touching his forehead to Rodney's, who still couldn't look at him.

"What look?" Rodney managed, though it felt like he was going to stop breathing from the tightness in his throat.

"That look right there. I hate seeing you so sad and depressed and knowing that it's because of me. That's it, isn't it? That's what's been bothering you this past couple of days."

Rodney silently cursed John for being so perceptive and closed his eyes. John's arms tightened around him minutely.

"It'll get better," he murmured quietly, marveling at the strange blend of sadness and peace that had wrapped around them.

"Because it's so easy to get over someone just like that," John scoffed quietly.

There was nothing either of them could day to that so they just stood there silently, allowing themselves just a few more sacred minutes to be able to hold the other.

* * *

_The corridors around him were unfamiliar, white and featureless, so very different from the muted beauty of those that ran through Atlantis that it gave him a gnawing sense of dread. His feet were bare and he was dressed in plain white hospital scrubs that matched his surroundings perfectly.._

_Fear made him want to move, to get away from the strange place he was stranded in, so he did just that, jogging along the long corridors with a heart that was racing with fear._

_There were no windows or doors that he could see, just sharp corners and long hallways that had no destination and no purpose. There was no way out. _

_He picked up the pace, running as fast as he could as the panic started to set in._

_He was trapped._

_Skidding around a corner, he stumbled to a halt when he saw the door at the end of the long corridor. Seconds later, he was racing towards it, his breath sobbing in his chest and his heart thudding loudly in his ears._

_He practically slammed into the door in his desperation to get it open and after a few seconds of scrabbling he managed to force fingers frozen with fear around the handle. The door opened silently before him and he stepped into a nightmare._

_The people in white were there again, their faces covered in masks, and their eyes hidden by dark glasses. The room was some kind of operating room, with a bed and trays lined with gleaming equipment. An overhead light filled the room with an almost blinding, harsh light. There was some kind of mirror along one wall, but some instinct told him that it was a one way window. There were people behind that window, he knew, watching as they always did, impassive as they always were. _

_His throat was tight and his muscles were frozen, but he staggered back the way he had come. When he turned around though, there was no longer a door there. _

_He was trapped._

_Whirling around again and keeping his back to the wall, he saw that the masked people hadn't turned around. They were working on something. No, not something, he realized as his dread solidified into a horrible knot in his stomach, _someone.

_Falling to his knees, he gave in to the urge that had been threatening for a while and retched painfully. Except that he hadn't eaten anything, so he dry retched for horrible, endless minutes until he was left on the floor feeling weak and light headed._

_But he needed to see. He knew that it was him on that operating table, with his insides displayed for the world to see. He knew what they were doing, what they were implanting in him and he had to stop it while he could. He couldn't let them change him, let them get their sick kicks from fucking around with his insides and messing around with the way mother-nature intended him to be._

_Staggering to his feet, he lurches towards them, valiantly trying to keep on his feet. He crashed into one of the instrument trays and knocked it over. The noise was deafening in the huge room, echoing off the walls and bouncing back to overwhelm his senses. _

_Somehow, he stayed on his feet and moved forward once more. He knees almost gave out on him when he came in sight of the table but he clung to a nearby IV pole and managed to stay upright._

_All of a sudden, he wanted to throw up again. Because the person on the table wasn't him. _

_It was John Sheppard._

_His dead eyes stared sightlessly towards the ceiling and his skin had taken on the color of the dead. He was naked, but the masked figures had cut open his torso and all he could see as he stared on with a sickening horror was his organs gleaming in the harsh, artificial light._

_John was an experiment. _

_John was dead..._

Rodney woke up screaming. Fear clogged his chest and he couldn't breathe. His heart was racing and his chest was tight and he was shaking uncontrollably. He sobbed for air, aware of the tears that were running down his face. All he could see was John's dead eyes staring back at him.

There were thudding feet in the hallway outside and then his door burst open, banging from the wall as a bright, golden light flooded his room.

Jeannie, John and Caleb all crowded in the doorway and Rodney stared at them helplessly, even as his heart rate began to slow back down and he started to breathe a little easier.

After a moment, John seemed to shake himself and he turned to Jeannie who had just started forward, worry in her eyes. Caleb disappeared down the hallway at the sound of Madison calling out from her room, but Rodney only had eyes for John.

The Colonel had caught his sister's arm gently.

"Its okay, Jeannie," he caught the softly spoken words with surprising ease, despite the fear and adrenaline still flowing through his veins. "I'll handle this."

"But..."

"No, really. He's had nightmares for awhile now. I'll stay with him," John insisted gently, turning her back towards the door. "You just go and see to Caleb and Madison. I'll make sure he's okay."

And then they are alone. John moved around the room, closing the door quietly and turning on one of the lights beside the bed before turning the main one off.

Rodney just sat where he was, tangled in the sweat soaked sheets and trying to reassure himself that he was safe, that the people of his nightmares were millions of light years away in another galaxy and that John was really alive, in the same room with him and breathing. All of a sudden he is overwhelmed by such a potent, pure rage that his fists clench in the sheets and he wants to destroy something, to hurt someone just as he was hurting.

When John finally lay down on the bed beside him, the rage drained away, leaving him feeling sad and scared once more. He didn't fight when John reached up and pulled him gently down. He settled into his embrace without an ounce of worry, clutching at the worn shirt he was wearing with a sudden desperation.

Curled up against John's side, with his face buried in his chest and those strong arms wrapped around him, he felt himself start to relax.

John was alive. He wasn't dead, lying on some slab somewhere with his insides on display. It wasn't aliens that had cut him open, it had been _people, _real, live people and that was what scared him the most.

He made a small, involuntary whimper as he thought about that, and John's arms tightened around him, one of his hands rubbing across his shoulders soothingly.

"Hey." John's voice was roughened with sleep and it made Rodney shiver to hear it. John, mistakenly thinking had he was cold pulled the covers around them a little tighter.

"It's okay. It was just a nightmare. You're okay. You know where we are right?"

Rodney nodded miserably, not lifting his head. "Earth."

"That's right. There's no way they can get you here. You're safe."

Rodney wrapped his other arm around John's waist and pressed against him more tightly. He felt cold all the way to his bones, and despite the wonderful, spicy warmth of John, it did nothing to banish the fear in his heart or his mind.

If it were possible, Rodney would make it so that the fuzzy memories of those long, lonely months were sucked from his mind. Maybe then he could live in peace, without the fear that everything that had happened since was some virtual reality. Sometimes he imagined that his body really way stuck back at that place and the rescue, John, Atlantis was all just some new fucked up mind trick they had invented to test him with. It wasn't completely impossible either, he knew that.

"Rodney. Hey Rodney," John's voice broke into his dark thoughts and he looked up in surprise. "Stay with me here buddy. Stop thinking about it for now."

Rodney shut his eyes and leaned his forehead against John's chest.

"You don't understand," he mumbled thinly. "I can't...I can't just stop thinking about it. It's always there, like some black cloud that hangs over my head. I can't close my eyes without being taken back to that...to that nightmare and sometimes...I just wish that I could..."

He forced his mouth shut against the stream of words that were clamoring for freedom as another shiver of intense fear shook his body.

"Tell me what you need, Rodney." John replied, his voice steady and strong.

Rodney looked up at him once more, searching his face for some sign that this was just another twist to the nightmare.

But all he saw was John's beautiful face looking back at him. The lamp light accentuated his fine features, high lighting his straight nose, the curve of his cheek and the fullness of his lips. One eye was cast into shadow but the one that he could see was a clear, bright green, full of a calm, steady warmth that he had never seen there again.

And just like that, the fear faded into the back ground and was replaced by a wonderful sense of relief. He really was safe, and John was holding him like a shield against all monsters imagined and real that he could ever fear.

"Tell me," John said again.

Rodney laid his head back down on John's chest, pressing his ear against the hard muscle beneath the shirt and listening to the steady thump-thump of his head. He closed his eyes when a heavy hand came to rest on his hair.

"I need you," was what he whispered eventually, his throat tight with gratitude and relief for having John near him.

"Well I'm right here, Rodney," John murmured, stroking a hand over his hair.

When the last of the fear had left him, he realized that he was tired. The beat of John's heart lulled him into a light doze and he was vaguely aware of John moving around before there was a quiet click of the lamp turning off.

Sleep claimed him quickly after that, and he drifted on waves of gentle sleep that were unbothered by dreams.

Rodney slept fitfully that night, waking randomly for no reason at all but soon falling back asleep. John's constant presence and physical contact kept the nightmares at bay and kept his sleep blissfully dreamless. Every time he woke up, he was anchored firmly within John's arms, warmed by the blasting body heat that the man produced.

It was enough.

TBC


	12. Live For Today

CHAPTER ELEVEN: Live for Today

_  
__Do your memories haunt your dreams  
Do they simply seem to have a mind of their own  
Tell me what the emptiness brings  
When everything you know is everything but gone  
Tell me who will save you_

When it's over by 3 doors down

* * *

Time had a funny way of being deceptive to Rodney. Weeks could pass in what seemed like mere minutes when he was content, but when he was unhappy each day seemed to drag on for an eternity which was probably why the majority of the memories he possessed always had some note of negativity. His life was like a series of unpleasant snap shots and no matter how hard he worked or what he accomplished, those unhappy memories were never too far away.

Once he had some time to think about what had taken place between himself and John, he realized just how royally screwed he was. John couldn't act on his feelings, because he would lose everything he had worked his ass off to defend and protect, and if he got reassigned or god forbid, court marshaled, then he would probably never see Rodney again. And Rodney wasn't about to be the cause of John losing everything he held dear.

So he found himself descending back into a gloomy disposition over the remaining days of his time off. Jeannie and John tried to give him space and keep his spirits ups, but Rodney found himself once more struggling under the weight of everything that had happened to him. It seemed that no matter where he was, the same problems plagued him and the same emotional scars still haunted him. He came to the conclusion that it would be best if he returned to Atlantis with John, where people could help him, if not fully understand the extent of his trauma.

And Rodney knew that it was only a matter of time before he would not longer be able to conceal his not so little problem any longer. There was no point in avoiding it; he needed to figure out what he was going to do about it and soon, before it became too late to actually do anything.

He had already made up his mind to tell John about it. If anything, John was always a cool and collected mind that he could count on to come up with a logical solution to anything. But what he really feared was that John wouldn't see him in the same way. Would he still feel the same if or when Rodney became big with the unwanted child residing within his body?

How would he feel then?

Rodney himself couldn't help the revulsion and self loathing that he felt towards himself. How could someone like John, a good man who was ridiculously good looking to boot, have any sort of positive feelings to someone like Rodney, who had been altered to something repulsive? It wouldn't be long before John came to his senses about Rodney, and he dreaded that that day was closer that even he suspected.

On his second last day on Earth, Rodney slipped away to town, and bought some home pregnancy tests with shaking hands. He had thought about it for awhile, wondering if he should or shouldn't, if it would mean anything if he did and if it would change anything.

But as ever, his curiosity outweighed all else, and an hour later he found himself in his bathroom and staring at a negative result. He took the test two more times to be sure, and they all turned out the same. There was a fluttering of hope in the depths of his belly, but he refused to kindle it any further. Scientifically, he had doubts about the accuracy of the test based on the particulars of his situation. After all, it wasn't a normal pregnancy in the first place, and the odds of an ordinary pregnancy test turning out an accurate result were slim. But Rodney had an overwhelming desire to go running to Keller with the results.

Sighing, he threw the tests in the bin and turned away. There was nothing he could do about it on Earth. The only option left to him was Atlantis.

* * *

"You're coming back aren't you?" Jeannie asked him on the way to the airport.

John had left a couple of days earlier to go and visit his own family, and Rodney would have been blind not to see the hesitance in his friends eyes as they had said goodbye. But Rodney had made up his mind, with Jeannie standing behind him and giving him a shove in the right direction, and he still had his doubts but he knew that she was right (and wasn't that a kick in the pants to admit?).

Caleb and Madison had bid him goodbye at the house because Jeannie had insisted on driving him to the airport herself, no doubt because she wanted to lecture him in some way.

He hadn't been wrong on that account.

"You keep me updated okay? I want to hear everything that happens. Anything the doctors say, I want to know about. And if you need me all you have to do is ask and I'll be there."

Rodney nodded mutely next to her, knowing better than to interrupt her mid rant. She was like their mother in that respect; it was better to let her work off steam rather than interrupt and be subject to the sharpness of her tongue.

"And you tell John, okay? It won't be long until it starts getting….obvious and he'll be the one who will be the most help to you when you need it, you know that." Her hands were clenched on the steering wheel so hard that they were turning white.

He glanced quickly at her face, seeing that set to her mouth that said she was feeling vulnerable and uncertain. He hated seeing her like that, seeing any woman like that in fact because he never had a clue what to say to make it better, or to assuage her fears.

"I will," he mumbled, half to himself. "Promise."

She nodded and the rest of the ride passed in silence.

"So listen," she said as they stopped outside the terminal gate. "Madison would like both you and John back here for her birthday next year. I'd really like it if both of you could come."

He opened his mouth helplessly, unsure how to tell her that he wasn't even sure if he'd still be around then. Because the odds were stacked against him, and there was no way he was going to commit John to something that he might not want to go to.

"I can't guarantee anything…"

"Rodney." She said firmly, gripping his biceps as a hint of steel entered her voice. "I will see you soon. You have my word. Nothing is going to happen to you, I'm sure of it."

He managed a weak smile, shaken by the amount of faith she had in him.

"I'd uh…I'd really like it if you could visit me sometime," he said awkwardly. "Do you think…Do you think that's something you could see yourself doing?"

And she grinned at him, that wide beaming smile the same one he had seen so often when they were children. It made his heart ache anew with forgotten memories and long lost emotions that he had thought gone forever.

"You think I'd miss the chance to see Atlantis again? You're crazy!"

* * *

Stepping back through the wormhole was both a relief and a worry, Rodney thought as he looked around the bustling gate room. On Atlantis, he was an expedition member of a top secret operation that hardly anyone back on Earth knew about. He was a carrier of the Big Secret, privy to information that most people could only dream about possessing. Once, he had felt like he finally belonged to something, and not only was it something it was a big something.

All that had changed. Sure, he was still a part of that big something. But he also had a biggger Something of his own to hide again. And just like that, he was on his own again and he no longer belonged to a collective.

Sam trotted down the stairs to greet him, a warm smile on her face.

"Welcome back Rodney."

"Good to be back. Have I missed anything interesting?" He asked, still looking around and drinking in the familiar sights around him.

"You could say that. Colonel Sheppard arrived back yesterday. Why don't you go get settled in and check in with Doctor Keller? There's a briefing scheduled this afternoon for both you and Colonel Sheppard to get you up to date with everything."

Rodney nodded and mentally braced himself for settling back into the old routine.

"Sounds good," he managed at last.

But despite his doubts, a small voice within him sighed and whispered '_home'…_

* * *

Rodney knew what he was doing was stupid.

Normally he wasn't a stupid man, but he was desperate for some normalcy back in his life. He and Sheppard had somehow come to some unspoken agreement not to speak to each other, despite sharing living quarters again for the last week since their arrival back on Atlantis. Rodney had discovered that John was very good at avoiding things that he wasn't ready to face, and he had tried not to feel hurt and rejected.

The storm of emotions that John was the cause of had him feeling snappish and defensive.

Going on the mission would probably bite him on the ass, especially when Keller found out that he had gone without her approval. She had been off world treating an illness on one of their allied planets, and he hadn't seen her since he had returned. Seeing as she was the only one who knew about his condition, and she obviously hadn't told Sam yet, no one else had found any reason to ban him from the mission.

He was desperate for things to go back to the way they had been, before he had been taken. Back when things had been simpler and his life hadn't been one tangled mess of disaster.

"Simple meet and greet folks," John said as the event horizon closed behind them. They found themselves on an open grass plane, a never ending stretch of golden grass waving in the breeze. The sky above them was a brilliant, endless blue that made something within Rodney relax considerably. Suddenly, he could breathe again.

Ronon shifted restlessly beside him.

"There does not seem to be any signs of life," Teyla commented, looking around.

"No cover either," Ronon muttered.

He frowned at his scanner.

"Rodney?" John questions from in front of him.

"Considerable energy readings from that direction," he replied after a pause, gesturing to the west. "Looks like a civilization of some kind."

"Well, let's start walking then. Teyla, you take point," John said.

And so they started walking, with Ronon behind them and Teyla in front. John was walking beside Rodney, and for once he couldn't find it within himself to let John know just how unhappy he was with the situation between them.

The fact that John had been actively avoiding him for the past week hurt more than it should have, and dwelling on it hadn't bought any relief to him yet. Rodney figured that eventually, John would pull his act together and get over whatever it was that was bothering him. He just had to be patient enough, not something that had ever been easy for him.

"Everything okay so far, Mckay?" John asked quietly.

Rodney glanced at him for a second before looking back at his scanner, trying to concentrate on deciphering the readings he was picking up.

"Everything's fine," he murmured in response.

There was a pregnant pause for a moment that Rodney tried to ignore. John was obviously trying to work something out in his mind, and who was Rodney to demand anything from him? If anything, he was painfully aware that he was in John's dept for many things, least of all causing him so much trouble when it came to their rocky relationship.

"Look," John breathed after a little while. "I realize that I've been...neglecting you this week but there's been some things that I need to..."

"Neglecting me?" Rodney looked up at him critically. "I'm not some child that needs looking after, Colonel. I'm perfectly capable of..."

"I'm not looking for a fight, Rodney," John said calmly, and damn those sun glasses of his. Rodney would give anything to see his eyes right then. Rodney prided himself at his ability to glean some grasp of what he was feeling just from looking in his eyes.

"There are some things we need to discuss, and nows not the time. I just wanted to apologize and let you know that I know we need to talk about...this. So...just sit tight for a little bit longer and we'll figure it out."

Figure _what _out, Rodney wanted to scream, but he reigned in his frustration and managed a tight nod.

"Fine. Just say the word and I'll be there," he muttered before going back to his scanner.

There was an almost inaudible sigh from John, and then nothing else for awhile. He drifted away, towards Teyla and exchanged a few words with her, but apart from that not much was said.

It was a long walk, and after a couple of hours, Rodney started to wish that they had bought a jumper at least. He didn't complain though, because he was too busy stewing in his own juices, fuming at the infuriating situation that had cropped up between him and John. Turned out that things were never going to be simple again, he realized.

His own anger and frustration was tiring though, and another hour later and he was visibly lagging. He cursed his own weakness and his limitations, and the stupid pregnancy that was sapping his stamina like a vampire. He felt the uncontrollable urge to cry.

If the others noticed him lagging or his unusual silence, no one commented. Teyla dropped back to walk with him, keeping him company, and commenting every now and then on little clusters of flowers that were nestled amongst the golden stalks of grass.

John was talking to Ronon up ahead, and he was grateful for Teyla's calm companionship and her efforts to keep him going.

Gradually, as it grew closer to midday, the landscape started to change. A tree would appear every now and then, becoming more and more abundant as they walked. It wasn't long before they found themselves at the outskirts of a forest of towering trees. Pine needles littered the floor, and there was little undergrowth, making the walk a little less horrific.

John called a halt for a short break then.

"How far have we got to go, Mckay?" he asked, sitting on a small rock and pulling out his water bottle.

"About another mile and a half," he replied, as he pulled off his pack and sat down at the base of a tree. He was more exhausted than he should have been. Maybe it was something he needed to talk to Keller about. After she got over being furious at him, of course.

"Another hour then maybe," John mused, squinting at the sky.

He pulled out a power bar and tiredly began to eat it, alternating between taking sips of water. He desperately wanted to have a nap, his body was screaming out for it and usually he wouldn't deny the urge, but he had appearances to keep up and he was starting to regret his decision to join this mission.

He leaned his head back against the tree trunk and closed his eyes. He was a little too warm with his tack vest on, but he wasn't wearing a jacket underneath it so at least he wasn't as hot as he would have been.

"Rodney?" Teyla was crouched down beside him.

He opened his eyes blurrily and looked around, blinking.

John was standing over at the edge of their small clearing, talking quietly to Ronon. He looked back at Teyla, into her smiling face and warm eyes.

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice a little rough. He must have fallen asleep. His eyes felt gritty and his head was throbbing. In fact, he was feeling a little queasy.

"You fell asleep I think," he replied. "Are you feeling okay? You seem very tired."

"I'm fine," he muttered, Even though he was really starting to feel unwell.

'_Not now,' _he silently begged as he felt the familiar urge to be sick rising. '_Please not now, not here!'  
_"Haven't been sleeping well, that's all," he managed, gritting his teeth.

"Are you sure? Colonel Sheppard seems...worried about you."

"It's nothing, really."

It was then, of course, that he had to roll to his knees, turning to the side at the last moment before he lost the meager contents of his stomach violently. A hot flush rolled through his body as he coughed weakly.

Teyla was beside him, rubbing his back and murmured quietly in the native Athosian language. He became aware of John crouching nearby and Ronon standing above them all, looking around.

"Rodney? What's wrong?" John demanded in a tight voice. "Teyla, do you think you can get back to the gate and get help?"

"Of course. Do you think he'll be..."

"I'm fine," Rodney gasped, collapsing back against his tree once more. His stomach muscles were aching, and his throat burned, but he was feeling a little better, even if his vision was still swaying gently. "I'm okay."

"Rodney, you were just sick. Maybe you've got a stomach illness or..." Teyla pointed out gently, pressing her water bottle into his hands.

He took a grateful sip, and spat it out to the side before taking a long drink.

"It's not," he told her, as he handed her back the bottle. He kept his eyes down, even as Teyla handed him a damp cloth to wipe his face with. This wasn't how he wanted them to find out, but then, he had been stupid to take such a risk.

They were bound to find out eventually anyway. John was going to be furious, he realized with a heavy heart.

His throat was closing up with emotions, and a hot, tight ball of shame clenched his chest.

"I'm not sick." he said quietly.

"You were just vomiting, Rodney!" John replied. "Unless...you know what's wrong with you?"

Rodney nodded mutely, not looking at him. He stared instead at his hands in his lap.

"You knew something was wrong with you and you came on this mission regardless? Without telling me?" John asked hotly. "When we go on missions _I'm _the one responsible for you, Rodney! I'm the one who looks after the team, and how am I supposed to do that when you don't tell me things?"

"John," Teyla interrupted before Rodney could say anything in his defense. "Perhaps this is not the time to speak of this matter. We still need to..."

"I am well aware of what we need to do thank you Teyla," John snapped, not taking his eyes from Rodney. "We are not moving another step until I know what's going on with you, Mckay."

Rodney swallowed roughly, glancing up at him. He could feel his panic rising, recognized the jittery feeling in his stomach as a potent combination of fear and nervousness. His hands were trembling in his lap and he swallowed again.

He had faced down Wraith and Replicators, nano viruses, and an astonishing variety of danger and yet the very thought of having John turn away from him in revulsion and disappointment had him on the verge of breaking down.

"I...I don't know...I can't..." he stammered, finding it hard to breathe.

Teyla slid an arm around his shoulders and rested her forehead against his temple.

"Deep breaths Rodney. It's okay."

"Rodney..." John said again, a hint of steel and danger in his voice.

"It's just...I don't know how to..."

"Find a way, Rodney, or we're not going anywhere today."

He took a deep breath like Teyla had said and closed his eyes.

"You remember the...device that they put in me?"

"Yeah. What about it?" John asked, a hint of worry entering his voice. "Is it...is it doing something funny again? Should we..."

"No John," Rodney interrupted him, shaking his head. He felt a little bit calmer, with Teyla beside him, her steady strength and silent encouragement giving him the boost that he needed. There was no getting out of it, he realized. There was no avoiding it. It was really happening to him, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

He was having a baby.

"The device...It did something to me while I was sick and now...now I'm..." he took another breath."Now I'm...there's a fetus. In the...womb."

There was dead silence for a few long minutes.

"Rodney..." it was Teyla who spoke slowly."Surely you're not suggesting that you're...pregnant?"

"That's what Keller says, at least," he said, trying not to let his bitterness show. "I've had a hard time...believing it myself. I'm not...That's why I was sick. I've been getting...morning sickness? For a few weeks now."

"This is...you're serious?" John said, incredulously. "You're actually serious."

John ran a hand over his jaw and turned away, his eyes going distant as he took a few steps away.

"This is...Jesus Christ."

John was crouching now, his head lowered.

A stab of pain in his chest took Rodney by surprise. He wondered sadly, if John was feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of what they had shared that night on the jetty.

Ronon was impassive above him, not saying or doing anything, not moving a muscle. No emotion on his face whatsoever.

Teyla lowered her head to his shoulder.

"Rodney...this is...very unexpected," she murmured. "But apart from that you're healthy?"

He nodded silently, his eyes on John, who hadn't moved from his crouching position.

"They don't..." he paused to clear his throat, looking back down at the cloth in his hands."Keller doesn't know what's going to happen. She seems to think that there's a high probability that it will...terminate naturally because things like this don't just...happen as normal. It's...unnatural."

"So what do we do now?" Ronon asked John's still figure.

There was a deep exhale from John, and after another moment he stood up and turned back to eye Rodney warily.

"Are you able to go on? Do we need to go back to Atlantis?" he asked, his expression blank and the tone of his voice not giving anything away.

"No. I'm okay. I can keep going for as long as I have to. There's no need to scrap the mission," Rodney said quickly, depressed by him own over eagerness to get back into John's good graces.

"Okay. Let's get this over with then get the hell out of here." John said. "You say something if you need to stop."

Rodney nodded gratefully and let Teyla help him up. Ronon took point, and John jerked his head at Teyla, indicating that she should follow him. Rodney swallowed nervously as John just looked at him for a moment longer.

"Rodney I'm...I can't even begin to tell you just how _angry _I am with you right now," John told him through gritted teeth. "You and I are going to have a long chat about this later tonight, believe you me. Until then, I want you to stay by my side at all times. You got that?"

Rodney nodded mutely.

"I asked if you understood me?"

"Yes John. I understand," Rodney said quietly.

"Good. If you feel sick again, say something. I'm still the team leader and I'm still responsible for what happens to you." He shot Rodney another look, and there was no mistaking the naked fury in his eyes. "Get moving."

Rodney nodded and fell in step slightly behind John, resigning himself to a long and unpleasant journey to the settlement.

It was nearing three in Atlantis time when they came to the brink of a canyon. Stretching out before them were three large waterfalls, and nestled down in the valley was a vast. Soaring spires, towers and buildings glistened in the late afternoon sun. There were even buildings, Rodney noticed in surprise, intertwined with the huge, ancient trees and vegetation as well as buildings incorporated into the very sides of the canyon itself. Roads, bridges and lakes were just visible from their vantage point.

Across from them, on the edge of the other side of the canyon stood several clusters of buildings spread out along the lip as far as the eye could see, and beyond that, endless stretches of cultivated fields, full of unidentifiable crops.

Rodney drooped in relief at the prospect of rest. He was exhausted; while he hadn't been ill again on the remainder of the journey, the tense silence that existed within the team had taken a toll on his emotional and physical well being.

"Teyla?" John questioned, not taking his eyes from the sight before them.

"I have never seen the like, John," Teyla informed them quietly. "Though I have heard word of the people who dwell here, I had no idea that their city would be so..."

"Advanced?" Rodney supplied dully.

She glanced at him, and smiled briefly. "Yes, advanced," she finished.

"And the people?" John asked impassively.

"Are very friendly and open to trade, though not many know the gate address of this world," she replied. "I believe we will find out if they are willing to trade in a few moments."

They looked where she indicated. A group of people were coming towards them, dressed in soft blues and greens. There were soldiers in red uniforms that carried knives on their belts and some sort of strange guns.

"Welcome, strangers. May we enquire as to the business you have here on our land?" an older man asked. His jewel blue robe was immaculate, his white beard and hair trimmed neatly. His blue eyes were bright and intelligent, and Rodney relaxed slightly from his position behind John. At least they weren't looking for a fight just yet. But knowing their luck, things could rapidly deteriorate in seconds.

"Greetings," Teyla spoke up with a polite bow of her head. "We are travelers from a distant world. We would like to negotiate a trade between our peoples, and seek shelter for the night. We have come a long way."

The man nodded as he looked them over.

"I have heard much of your people. We look forward to learning more of where you come from."

"May we ask what you have heard about us?" Teyla inquired curiously.

"There are many rumors and tales around of a new race of people occupying the ancient city of Atlantis. We have been hoping to make contact with you, for we are always looking for new trading partners," he inclined his head slightly. "My name is Manus. I am the Chief Ambassador of our people. Please, be welcome in our city and may you find peace within our protection."

"Thank you, Ambassador Manus. My name is Teyla, and this is Colonel Sheppard, Doctor Mckay, our head of Science and Engineering and Specialist Ronon Dex."

"It is my pleasure to meet you. If you would come with me we will provide you with sustenance and a place to rest and when the dawn breaks tomorrow we will begin negotiations for trade." Manus replied with a pleased smile. "Please, this way."

Rodney fell in behind John, who was talking to Manus. He blocked out the conversations around him and was concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Exhaustion pulled at his body and dulled his mind, and each step he took was more of an effort than he cared to admit. Forget niceties and manners, all he had the energy for was keeping upright and moving forward.

"Excuse me sir. You are Doctor Mckay, are you not?" the words were accompanied by a soft touch on his elbow.

He looked up. An old man was walking next to him; his short ponytail was snowy white and his face was clean shaven. Warm, kindly brown eyes twinkled at him out of a face lined with age. He was tall and thin, but he didn't look frail at all. His willowy frame moved with the ease of a young man, unhindered by the problems that old age often bought with it.

"My name is Leander. I am a scholar for our people and it would be my honor to speak with you, should you wish. I believe there is much we can learn from one another.

"Leander, is it?"

The old man nodded and Rodney managed a strained smile.

"I would like that."

"I'm pleased to hear it. But you are tired from your journey, I see. Perhaps I can offer you a place to rest at my residence, if that is agreeable. It is a custom of our people to accommodate visitors in our own homes."

"That would be...appreciated. You have no idea how..." he stumbled a little, only to be steadied by his new acquaintance.

"I see that you seem...unwell, Doctor Mckay. Perhaps there is something I can do to ease your suffering as well." Leander smiled at him gently, and Rodney looked at him for a long moment, a thread of unease working its way through his mind.

"Rodney," John's voice broke into his thoughts. "Everything okay?"

He nodded, tearing his eyes away from Leander. He turned his attention back to the paved path that wound its way down the edge of the canyon. Leander didn't speak to him again on their journey, but Rodney was too busy juggling his exhaustion and his curiosity about the new city before them.

There were wonderfully fashioned buildings carved out of wood intermingled with newer buildings made of some material that Rodney didn't know. The waterfalls fell into deep pools and rushed away in rivers that wound their way throughout the city in huge canals. It was reminiscent of Venice with a hint of Atlantian architecture. They were obviously an advanced people, and for once Rodney was pleased not to be dealing with a primitive population.

"Our people pride ourselves on our culture and our history," Leander murmured from beside him as they were led down a wide street. "While the Wraith have taken much from us and caused much misery, we believe in moving forward and learning from the past. That's part of my job. I'm part of the Research and Development Academy."

"You're responsible for creating new technology then?"

"My team and I, yes. We are always looking for new peoples to learn from. Looking at you, I see that your people are very different from our own. I look forward to learning from you."

"Same here."

Manus stopped at the stairs of a huge hall made from sandstone and wood.

"My people would be happy to accommodate you in our homes. Please, Leander will see that you are comfortable. Tomorrow we will show you a little of our city and begin the negotiations. Rest well, friends."

The rest of their small party left them and the team was alone with Leander.

"Is it usual for your people to be so...welcoming to strangers, Leander?" John asked, looking around.

Rodney could tell that he was tense and suspicious of the warm reception that they had received. Rodney couldn't blame him; while Leander seemed pleasant enough, it did seem odd that they hadn't been checked over by the soldiers that had accompanied them. It could be that their hosts didn't know that their weapons were weapons, but that would be a little stupid, to Rodney's mind.

But then, he had always been a little too pessimistic for his own good.

"We are well aware of your intentions, Colonel Sheppard," Leander smiled at him. "We have people guarding our forests from outsiders. Had they perceived you to be a threat you would have not made it this far."

Rodney felt the color drain from his face, and he swayed a little. Someone had heard that conversation in the forest. They must know about him, and what would happen if they did? Would they hold him captive and experiment on him? He felt the urge to run, but he was too weak, too tired.

Teyla slipped an arm beneath him, and turned to Leander was a small smile.

"Please. Our friend is not well. Is there somewhere he can rest?"

"Of course. This way, if you please."

Rodney felt John fall in step beside him but even his presence couldn't warm the cold that had wrapped around his heart.

Rodney didn't remember much of the trip to Leander's residence, but he was aware enough to know that when they finally arrived both Sheppard and Teyla were supporting most of his weight. Leander showed them to a room and the next thing he knew John was helping him out of his tack vest and taking off his boots, his trousers and his shirt. Then there softness of the sheets and blankets that John covered him with, pillows that felt like heaven to his tired head and a soft touch to his hair before he fell deeply into a dreamless sleep.

TBC

* * *

A/N: It's been such a long time since I updated this story, and I'm so sorry to those of you who were waiting so patiently! Life and writer's block got in the way, but I'm already working on the next chapter so the wait shouldn't be too long!

I hope you enjoyed this, and please let me know your thoughts and feelings!


	13. Barricades and Brick Walls

* * *

CHAPTER TWELVE – Barricades and Brick Walls.

I want to paint my face  
And pretend that I am someone else  
Sometimes I get so fed up  
I don't even want to look at myself

Stand Still, Look pretty by The Wreckers

* * *

A door closing softly in the background woke Rodney from the deep sleep of the exhausted. Soft, pre-dawn light filtered in through gauzy curtains, and the sweet perfume of flowers wafted in from open doors.

For a few, peaceful minutes, Rodney lay there and stared at the ceiling, reveling in the comfort of a comfortable mattress and warm blankets. He felt rested for once, as if the perpetual feeling of tired, gritty eyes that had been his life since Pegasus had finally been banished.

It had been awhile since he had felt so relaxed, and it was funny that it should happen off world. For a change, he felt calm and at peace with himself. God knew it wouldn't last long, but it was good to enjoy the sensation for awhile.

But there were disgruntled team mates to face and a trade negotiation to hash out. He couldn't forget the horrible trek and the consequences of his confession, but it was no longer eating at him as it had the previous day.

He swung his legs over the edge of the low bed that he had been sleeping in and looked around. It was definitely a luxurious room. The bed sat on a raised platform to one side of the room. There was a low lying table beneath the open windows, with cushions to sit on and an open hearth fireplace. A cushioned bench ran along the wall near the door, and it was there that his pack had been placed.

Stretching his stiff muscles with a grimace, he got up and padded across the floor in search of clean clothes.

He'd washed his face and was just pulling on a shirt when there was a soft knock on his door.

"Are you decent, Rodney?"

It was John.

Gulping down the sudden nervousness in his gut, he fumbled open the door and stepped back to let him in.

"You're certainly looking better," John commented, eying him as he closed the door.

"I'm feeling much better," Rodney replied sheepishly.

"Have you eaten yet?" John asked casually, wandering over to the table. It was laden with food - fruits, bread and fresh juice had been laid out there, he noticed.

Shaking his head at his lack of observation skills so early in the morning, he joined John at the table and carefully seated himself. John took a seat opposite him without comment. Rather self-consciously, Rodney helped himself to some fruits that he actually recognized (Teyla traded for them with some of their other allies) and a couple of pieces of still warm bread.

He had expected John to storm in, still furious from the day before, spouting words of anger and recrimination, so seeing John so pensive and quiet scared him a little. He sat across from Rodney, staring at the window and picking idly at a piece of fruit that was an odd cross between a grape and a lychee.

Rodney kept his peace as he ate, not wanting to invoke his anger until he absolutely had to. But in the end, his anxiety got the better of him.

"Look," he blurted eventually, staring at his hands as he tore a piece of bread apart. "I need to know what you want me to do. I can't....If you want me off the team then you'd better say so now so I can talk to Sam when we go back. I can't sit around wondering what you want from me. I'm really, really sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but there were so many things that I...."

"Rodney," John interrupted, leveling him a thoughtful look. "Take a breath."

Rodney nodded and did so before finally looking up at John.

"I really am sorry. I hope you can...forgive me one day."

"I believe you."

Rodney blinked in surprise. "You...you do?"

John nodded slowly, setting the fruit that he was rolling around in his hands down on his place, before he rested his hands on his thighs.

"I know how sorry you are. But I'm still very angry with you, Rodney. It wasn't just yourself that you put in danger by not telling me this. You know that don't you?"

"I know." Rodney bowed his head, not wanting to see the disappointment in his friend's eyes.

"When we go through that gate, we are responsible not only for our team mates, but for ourselves. I need to know when things like this happen. How am I supposed to protect you if I don't have all the facts?"

"I should have told you sooner," Rodney acknowledged. "It wasn't fair of me to put you in that position. I didn't mean...."

"It's not only that Rodney. If you couldn't come to me as your team leader, then you could have come to me as your friend. Did you think that I would shun you because of this?" John asked quietly. "It hurts me to think that you would have such a low opinion of me. Have I not proven that I'm trustworthy?"

"Of course you have!" Rodney blurted in desperation. "I just... I couldn't lose you because of this John. Not when...you know how much you mean to me and…I don't think I could do this without you. In fact, I don't think I can do this at _all...._"

"Rodney. I know you're scared. Hell, I'm scared too. But you need to start trusting other people again. Not everyone is an enemy. You were in captivity for a long time and I know how hard it is to trust people afterwards. Believe me, I know."

"But you need to talk to someone about what happened. If not me, then one of the doctors, or even Sam or Teyla. You can't just let it all build up, because when push comes to shove and we're in a difficult situation, you'll freeze up. You'll get yourself, or someone else killed, and I know you don't want that."

Rodney's face was wet from tears, and he swiped angrily at his cheeks with his forearm.

"Promise me that you will come to me in the future."

Rodney nodded. "I promise I'll try."

"Good enough," John said as he stood up.

Rodney watched as he skirted the table to sit next to him, and exhaled shakily when he reached out to wipe the tears gently from his face before pulling him in for a hug.

He buried his face in John's chest and closed his eyes, feeling safe and protected again. John smelled so amazing, clean and fresh and he was warm, his arms around Rodney strong and solid.

A chin rested on his head and his hair was ruffled by a soft exhale of warm, sweet air.

"When did everything get so complicated?" Rodney mumbled. "I still can't wrap my head around it. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from."

John pulled back a little and Rodney straightened to look him in the eye. Those hazel green eyes were intent and searching on his face, and he shivered minutely, loving all that intensity focused solely on him.

"Surely it's not been all bad?"

Rodney smiled, feeling a bit calmer and more collected; it was one of the effects that John's presence had on him, and it still amazed him the level of trust he had placed in the man.

"No," he replied slowly. "It's not all been bad."

After all, somehow, he had an amazing man in his life, and if he had to go through all of the pain and misery again just to be by his side then he would. The fact that John didn't seem the least bit disgusted by his unexpected pregnancy had lifted an enormous weight off his shoulders, and Rodney could finally breathe a little easier.

It was just as Jeanie had said; if John was on his side then everything would be fine. Teyla and Ronon didn't seem to have a problem with him either, and maybe it was time that Rodney started leaning on the people that surrounded him, if only for a little while. On his friends.

The thought filled him with a warm feeling and he closed his eyes for a moment.

"Rodney? You okay?"

Sighing again, he leaned forward and touched his forehead to John's gently.

"I'm not sure. But I think I will be."

* * *

The statue was one of the most beautiful that he had ever seen, and he had seen a lot in his time. She was immaculate, frozen in pure white marble against the weather of time. Her face was turned to the sky, her long, curling hair tumbling down over bare shoulders. One of her arms was wrapped around her body protectively, the other outstretched before her towards the distant skies.

It was the expression on her back that had him enamored though. It spoke of a sad loneliness, deep fear and the blossoming of hope all in one.

She was beautiful.

"Her name is Amarnica," Leander spoke from behind him.

Rodney turned to face his host briefly before looking back up at her. The gardens surrounding Leander's home were beautifully landscaped, with trimmed bushes bearing fragrant white flowers, and strange, vines with exotic purple and blue flowers. White graveled paths wound their way unobtrusively throughout; around the small pond and waterfall, past the flower beds with their violent splashes of color, through the bushes and around the edges.

But it all centered around the large, white marble statue mounted on a pedestal in the very center of the garden.

"She's breath-taking," Rodney murmured in admiration.

And she certainly was, with the golden light of early morning casting her into a portrait of light and shadow. The sky was a brilliant blue; the air was cool and fresh and smelled of the delicate perfume of the flowers.

It was one of the moments when Rodney was ridiculously glad to be alive and free again. The combination of such natural beauty, and John's soothing presence had shifted things in perspective.

'_One day at a time', _he thought to himself. '_I think I can manage that.' _

"She certainly is," the old man agreed as he came to stand beside him. For a minute they just stood there, studying her in silence.

"She was a great lady of our ancestors. A brave warrior who fought fiercely to protect the people she loved from the Wraith," Leander continued. "In the end, she died to fighting to her last breath. But not before she gifted us with a child of her noble blood line. This statue was created just after it was discovered that she was with child."

Rodney looked at her with a greater understanding, having heard that. He could empathize quite easily with her fears and her hope. Fear of the unknown was something that was difficult to conquer. Fighting scary space vampires for survival was one thing, but so was carrying and bearing a child, he had come to realize. He fought the instinctive urge to touch his stomach.

"She sounds like a brave woman," he said at last.

Leander smiled at him.

"As is anyone who carries a child."

Rodney felt a chill of apprehension at his words.

"I guess sometimes there isn't much choice when it comes to….that, in particular," he managed.

"Oh there is always a choice my friend," Leander said, watching him closely. "Even when it seems that there is none, there are always options and choices to be made. For example, you may choose the way you react to a certain situation. You could stand steady and face the problem head on. Or you could choose to hide your face away and live in denial until it is no longer possible to do so."

Rodney turned to face him fully.

"What do you know?"

Leander smiled at him, a warm, friendly smile that was disarming and open. Rodney wasn't sure if he could trust someone who was so positive about everything in general. Maybe it was the cynic in him, or maybe he was just getting more negative as he grew older.

"I know of the device that you carry within your body," Leander replied, reaching to touch his stomach fleetingly. "And I know of the gift that accompanies it."

"Gift?!" Rodney spat, backing away from him. "It is no gift! I was kidnapped and tortured against my will! I had no _choices! _No _options! _They took _everything _from me!!!"

Leander was calm in the face of his outburst, and that only served to make him angrier.

"Life is always a gift, no matter the shape or form, or the cause of it. I understand the ordeal that you suffered through. I know of what it is that you speak and I can help you if you'll allow it."

"How can you possibly know all of this?" he demanded. "Even if someone did overhear us in the forest, there is no way you could know about how I got this way. Now…whatever it is your people are planning for me you can forget about it because I'd rather die first than go back to living as a prisoner!"

"I can assure you that no one else knows of your secret, Doctor Mckay. I am the only one, and you can rest assured that it will stay that way. I have no intention of hurting you. Please, why don't we go inside and talk about this further?"

"I'm not going anywhere with you," Rodney declared moving further away. "You can forget about that right now. And if you touch me, I swear I'll scream so loud that Ronon and Teyla and John will hear from the courthouse over the other side of the city."

Leander raised his hands in an effort to placate him that failed miserably.

"I understand your fears, my friend. Perhaps if you'd allow me to explain exactly how it is that I came across this knowledge, you might be more…trusting in my character?" Leander offered unfazed by his anger or his threats.

"Fine. But you stay over there and as soon as you're done, I'm leaving. Understand?"

"I do indeed." Leander nodded agreeably.

Rodney glared at him and folded his arms tightly across his chest. He felt exposed and vulnerable before this old man, whose eyes held too much intelligence for his liking.

He was wearing a plain black t-shirt and BDU's but it felt like he was naked and trembling before him. All the layers of clothing in the world wouldn't be enough to make him feel comfortable.

And if there was one thing he hated the most in the world (besides a shortage of coffee and the stupidity that seemed to run rampant in the human race) it was feeling vulnerable. It made him angry and added to that the volatile emotions that his pregnancy stirred up within him, he felt a little dangerous and out of control, which was a violent contrast to the calm peacefulness that had flooded him not moments before.

"So talk. I'm listening," he snapped.

"As you wish," Leander bowed his head slightly. "I mentioned to you before that I am a scholar of my people, and whilst that is my primary function amongst my people, I am also a Seer. I have….visions, of the past, the present and the future."

When Rodney stared incredulously at the old man, Leander smiled and continued to talk.

"It is a gift of my ancestors," he explained, gesturing up at the statue towering above them. "Amarnica was a very distant relative of my family, but her bloodline remains true and strong within my veins. The members of my family have served as guides for our people, especially when there are Wraith involved."  
"And this is how you know about me and what was done to me?" Rodney asked, disbelieving. Though he really shouldn't be so surprised; they had come into contact with people who could see the future before, even if it did go against every scientific bone in his body.

"I have been receiving visions, flashes of your people for years now, and I knew it was only time before our peoples came into contact with one another. However, I have been seeing you, in my visions, for several months now."

"But that is not how I know the particulars of your situation." Leander paused and lowered his head for a moment. "A couple of years ago, I met a young man much in the same situation as yourself. He was on the run, scared, alone….and also carrying a child."

"Wait a minute," Rodney held up his hand. "Are you trying to tell me that there are more people like me? More men? And they've escaped?"

"You are the second that I am aware of. I have done my own research into the detestable methods used by the people who kept you captive. You and the other young man are the only two that have ever escaped from their facility alive as far as I'm aware."

"I had help…" Rodney murmured.

He wasn't the only one….There was someone else like him, someone else who had experienced the same horror as he had.

"I think I need to sit down." he mumbled.

He fumbled to a seat on the edge of the pedestal that the statue and put his head in his hands. He was vaguely aware of Leander sitting down beside him, and stupidly grateful for the gap he had left between them. He didn't think he could stand to be touched just then.

"Where is he? The other guy?" he asked at last, looking sideways at Leander.

A sad smile graced Leander's face, his eyes taking on a distance that Rodney disliked immediately.

"I took him in, looked after him and protected him throughout the duration of his gestation. But he was sick, and too weak to survive the strain on his body." Leander bowed his head again. "He passed away shortly after his child was delivered."

Rodney tried to swallow the overwhelming fear that was rising in his throat.

"And the child? What happened to the baby?" he whispered.

"She didn't survive either. They were both too weak. I tried my best, but…." Leander spread his hands helplessly.

Rodney nodded and clenched his teeth in an effort the stop his jaw from trembling. The same thing could happen to him and his child. He could get sick just like the other man had and he could lose the child as well.

The odds of that happening though were extremely high anyway; he'd known that since Jeannie had opened his eyes to the truth.

"Doctor Mckay, I wish to help you in any way that I can. I have no wish to see the same fate happen to you. Your people represent a great hope to our people, as does your own mind, Rodney Mckay."

"I will be no one's lab rat," Rodney ground out. "I told you, I'd rather kill myself and this child than be a subject to such torture."

When had he started thinking like the thing within him was actually a child? _His _child? Not that that mattered really anyway at the moment. He needed to figure out a way to survive, to get through the coming ordeal. He'd deal with the whats and the hows of it later.

"That isn't my intention," Leander said. "You've been through enough of that kind of thing and I think the last thing you need to be is subject to other people's curiosity."

Rodney let that sink in quietly. Leander's face was an odd mix of benevolence and sorrow.

"No, my intention was to warn you, and help you in any way that I can. The people who did this to you...you have to understand that they are ruthless in their pursuit of this science. They will be looking for you, especially if they have reason to believe that their experiments on you were successful."

"I hadn't thought about that...."Rodney realized slowly."Oh my god, they're not going to let this go are they? They're going to find me...."

"I can't say that for sure, Doctor Mckay. But I can tell you to watch your back. Guard yourself closely, because they won't give up without a fight."

Rodney nodded slowly, feeling that familiar urge to just run. He needed John. John would know what to do. Suddenly, he felt sick with wanting Atlantis. He was safe there. Protected. Atlantis was a strong hold of defense like no other place in the galaxy.

"I need to get back," he said slowly.

Leander nodded. "As I said, I can see nothing of your future at the moment. But know that I am always here to help you. If you need shelter, I can provide it."

"Why are you doing this? You don't even know me."

"Everyone has their own calling in life, Doctor. Mine is to help people, and last time, I failed in that. I will not fail again. I will not fail _you_."

A little shaken by the determination in the old man's voice, Rodney nodded. It felt...good to know that he had allies such as this. Even if he had only just met the strange old man, who already knew the most intimate secret about him, and even though he only had the old man's word that what he said was the truth, he couldn't help believing him.

Trust wasn't something that Rodney experienced easily, but he did have instincts, and he did follow them. Instinct was telling him that Leander was a trustworthy ally to have.

"Is there anything you can tell me? Anything that can help me?" Rodney asked, trying not to sound desperate.

Leander was quiet for a moment, his eyes going blank and distant. Rodney tried not to freak out but after a long pause he reached to shake Leander's shoulder. He had gone so still, and silent that it seemed unnatural.

But before he could touch him, Leander turned his face to him all of a sudden.

"Listen for a man named Garrett. He has information that will help you."

"Garrett?" Rodney latched onto the name. "Where can I find him?"

"There's no need to look for him." Leander answered. "He'll find you."

Leander seemed to shake himself then, and smiled at him.

"Enough of that. I would like to show you some of the wonder's of our fair city. I believe you would be most interested in our research and development buildings." Leander stood up. "Come, we will take some refreshment and then we will go."

Rodney looked up at him for a long moment before he stood to follow.

* * *

John found Rodney that evening pacing in his room. He hadn't emerged for the evening meal, which was held at sunset of each day on this planet, and that alone had him worried. Leander seemed calm though, explaining that the scientist had had a busy day and he'd been rather distracted and worried.

John himself was exhausted. He really should be used to sitting through endless hours of negotiations after the hundreds of planets they had visited, but each time it was different and yet the same.

Teyla did most of the talking, whilst he and Ronon were on the look out for anything that looked unusual or trouble of some kind. Rodney was usually off examining some sort of technology or the other, and this time wasn't any different.

Except that everything _was_ different. Rodney was _expecting. _He was going to have a _baby. _A living, breathing human person. And wasn't that a kick in the pants?

Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse. Rodney had gone through hell and had dragged himself back, only to be kicked back down with the latest bombshell.

And hell, John was trying so hard to be understanding, and not to freak out about it. The last thing that Rodney needed was to deal with a panicking team leader. It wasn't that he was disgusted about it. He'd had to adjust to the device-turned-uterus thing, weeks to adjust in fact, and it hadn't been that bad.

But still. Poor Rodney. _He'd_ had weeks to adjust to it, and John couldn't shake the feeling that he was _still _freaking out about it. And why shouldn't he? Babies were a female thing. What the hell did Rodney know about them?

What did _he _know about them? Nothing, that was what.

But seeing that look of shame and self-loathing on Rodney's face had made him feel physically sick when he had learned the truth. The rage that had washed over him was old, but still burning brightly.

He hated the people who had done this to Rodney with such unrelenting, indiscriminate fury that sometimes he felt like it would consume him, burn him alive from the inside. Sometimes he was restless and itching with the need to _do _something, to hurt someone that it almost drove him crazy.

But then all he had to do was look at Rodney, and see just how much he needed reassurance, needed someone to just be with him to keep the nightmare's and memories at bay, and the rage would retreat back into it's hiding place to bide it's time again.

Being needed so fiercely by someone was an experience that scared him to his bones. He was terrified of the feelings that he had for Rodney, terrified of letting him down, of hurting him or disappointing him and that too made him angry because Rodney deserved someone who wasn't so afraid of loving someone else.

To John, love meant loss, hurt and a whole world of confusion.

But what he felt for Rodney was purer than anything he had felt before. Unblemished, untainted and stronger than anything. He had no idea how to express what he felt or if he even wanted to. Or if he could at all.

Rodney deserved to be with someone who could show him that and more every day.

Seeing the scientist (_his _scientist, damnit) so full of doubt and insecurity still threw him off, and upset him. But every now and then he'd see a glimmer of the old Mckay, and he held out hope for a stronger version of his old self to return.

He doubted he could have survived were he in Rodney's position. Rodney had strength within him that he constantly doubted. Even his body, which was a source of much disappointment for Rodney, had a strength that was rarely used. John could see it in his powerful, broad shoulders, his thickly muscled chest and arms and his strong, sturdy thighs.

John could teach him how to use his owns strengths, if only he could see past his own fears for a moment, he knew that. He needed time, he needed to come up with something that would work.

He needed help.

Still, his main priority was to finish the mission and get them all home safely. Then he would worry about what to do for Rodney.

He closed the door quietly behind himself, and watched for a few moments as Rodney paced back and forth by the fireplace, his hands buried in his hair.

Worry had his stomach fluttering and he wanted to rush straight over to him and demand to know what was wrong and who had hurt him.

But Rodney was a grown man, with a wickedly intelligent mind and mental thought processes that would have most regular geniuses breaking down and crying. He could look after himself when he needed to, but figuring out whether or not he needed help was an entirely different matter.

He had seen Rodney at his worst and at his most manic, when the answers he needed the most eluded him no matter what he may try. He had seen the man rage against everyone and everything at the audacity of not being able to find a solution. Shit, he had even seen him on the verge of tears from sheer frustration.

When he was stressed, Rodney paced, and talked a mile a minute, mind leaping from one thing to the next so fast an observer could get whiplash. He tugged at his hair, rubbed his face, pinched himself into wakefulness, hell, sometimes he even beat his head against hard surfaces in a futile attempt to get the answer to somehow spring into his head.

But he had never seen Rodney so distressed or upset as he did at that moment.

"Rodney?" he asked cautiously, approaching him as he might a wild animal. "What's the matter?"

Rodney didn't seem to hear him, just kept pacing so he walked right on up to him and caught his shoulder, pulling Rodney around to face him.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

Rodney stepped back, pulling away from his touch, and he tried not to feel disappointed. He couldn't blame Rodney though, because he figured that the man deserved a little personal space.

"I talked to Leander today," Rodney said haltingly. "He told me...things."

"What kind of things?" John asked suspiciously, watching as Rodney moved towards the window and looked out over towards the city. Night had fallen and lights twinkled up at them from the darkness.

He listened as Rodney halting told him about the conversation that had taken place out in the garden that morning. It hit him like a blow to the head; there was someone else out there. Or there had been but he had _died. _Would Rodney end up the same way? Would he prevail against this new threat with all the indignation and irritation that he had within his body, or would he succumb to it as the other man had?

John knew that there had been other people in that facility, but there had been nothing he could do for them at the time. He hadn't thought to check if Rodney had known that. He had a feeling that particular fuck up would come back to bite him in the ass and he was usually right about that kind of thing.

He was quiet for a long minute until Rodney turned to look at him with desperation in his eyes.

"I need to get back to Atlantis. It's not safe here. No where's safe anymore!"

John could see that Rodney was working himself up to a full blown panic attack so he crossed the room once more and laid his hands on his shoulders, looking directly into his eyes as he did so.

"Do you trust me, Rodney?" he asked seriously.

"What?" he frowned in confusion, seemingly unable to concentrate on the simple question.

It didn't take a genius to see the exhaustion in those tired blue eyes. Rodney seemed to tire a lot more easily, and John wondered if it was because of his pregnancy.

"Do you trust me?" he repeated slowly.

"Of course I do." The response relaxed John considerably.

"Then trust me when I say that nothing is going to happen to you. No one's going to hurt you again if I have anything to say about it. Understand?"

Rodney was staring at him silently.

"I...I just...What happens if..."

"No Rodney," John said angrily, before he stopped and took a steadying breath.

He stepped into Rodney's personal space again looked into his bright blue eyes steadily. For a moment, he lost himself in the simple act of being able to touch him. Of feeling hard muscle and the heat of his skin beneath his hands.

"No. I won't let anyone take you away from me, from _us, _ever again."

Rodney closed his eyes and exhaled, all of the tension leaving his body in an instant. The trust he placed in him staggered John. If Rodney believed him, believed his words with such an ease....Rodney meant the world to him, the skies that were his freedom, and vast the emptiness of space full of possibility and wonder had nothing on Rodney.

Rodney moved closer, pressing himself willingly to John and burying his face in his neck, and it was instinct to just wrap his arms around his warmth, to close his eyes and inhale the wonderful, clean scent of his hair.

"Just...don't leave me." Rodney whispered into his neck. "Stay with me. I can't do this without you, John."

As if there was anything that could drag him away, John thought to himself. He loved Rodney with every fiber in his being, and nothing that happened could take that away from him or make him stop.

"I won't."

It was Rodney who lifted his head and studied his face. John didn't look away as he would have a couple of years ago. He didn't shy away from the scrutiny, didn't shift uncomfortably. Because this was a man who knew everything about him. Rodney knew his every secret, all his little quirks, everything that made him who he was. There were no secrets, nothing to be ashamed of between them. They were one heart. One soul. Together in every sense of the word.

They had been building towards this since the moment they had met. It didn't matter what had happened before. All that mattered was the present, and the future.

It was Rodney who kissed him first. Soft, warm lips pressed against his own gently for a long moment before drawing away. He opened his eyes to see Rodney watching him with something like fear in his eyes.

He pressed his forehead against Rodney's briefly before taking his mouth, and tasting him gently, nibbling at his lower lip before trailing kisses along his jaw line to the sensitive skin beneath his ear.

They couldn't do much more that kiss whilst on a mission, and John knew that. But his still held Rodney tightly to his chest and pressed his face into his neck.

Rodney was quiet in his arms, resting peacefully, breathing slowly and evenly, all signs of distress gone completely. John breathed a sigh of relief, pleased that he was no longer so upset. Whatever it was that was coming, John would be Rodney's shield until he was strong enough to stand on his own two feet again.

"Come on. You need to rest. It's a long walk back to the Stargate tomorrow," he said eventually pulling back a little.

Rodney moved back himself, leaving his hands on John's shoulders. A small, rueful and tired smile tugged at his endearingly crooked mouth.

"I'll need my energy if I'm to face both Keller and Sam in full rampage mood," he laughed a little.

"I bet they'll ream you a new one. Might even ground you to Atlantis for awhile," He smiled in return.

"Trust me, I don't think I _want _to be anywhere else," Rodney replied dryly. He moved towards his bed and stripped of his shirt.

John swallowed dryly at the sight of the smooth, unblemished skin of his back. His hands itched with the need to touch, but he controlled the urge with much difficulty as he walked over to the windows and pulled the curtains across.

When he turned around, Rodney was in his boxers and climbing into the bed. Closing his eyes and sending a desperate prayer up to whoever was watching over them for help, John moved hesitantly closer as Rodney slid under the covers.

"Well, I guess I should...."

"Stay," Rodney said immediately. "Just until I fall asleep."

Of course, John was helpless to Rodney's request. He knew Rodney was having trouble sleeping at night, haunted by bad dreams and flashbacks, and if he was the only source of comfort that could chase those away, then who was he to deny it?

"Sure," he agreed easily.

It wasn't selfishness of any kind, he thought stubbornly. Any excuse to touch Rodney was good enough for him it seemed. He needed Rodney like he needed air. He was touch starved and skin hungry, and just being close to Rodney had the heat rising in his blood.

But there was nothing sexual about the situation at all, he told himself strictly. Rodney was vulnerable and needing his support and he'd give it, give anything, freely.

Still, as he climbed on top of the bed, he felt something tight inside his chest unravel just a little. Rodney was curled on his side, facing John with his eyes drooping tiredly. John's heart melted in his chest; a sleepy Rodney was irresistible. All ruffled hair, warm blue eyes and heat flushed skin.

"Hey," he said roughly, quietly.

"Hm?" Rodney opened his eyes slightly.

"Sleep well. No bad dreams, okay?"

"Hm."

John pressed a light kiss to his forehead as Rodney drifted off to sleep. He ran a fingertip over the surprisingly soft skin of his clenched fist, marveling at this beautiful, strong man who had become the centre of his life without him even noticing it.

Things couldn't go back to the way they had been before they had gone to Earth, John realized suddenly. He couldn't keep himself out of Rodney's life as he had sworn to do. He couldn't deprive himself of the light that was Rodney's heart.

He needed to touch and be touched in return. He needed to have Rodney like that, to affirm his love for him and to show him that he was loved in return, no matter how futile his attempts may be. He needed to give Rodney back himself, to show him that he was worth fighting for, that he was worth _dying _for and that John would within a heartbeat if it meant that Rodney was safe and alive somewhere.

Rodney would be his and he would be Rodney's. There was nothing else to it. So what if they had to keep it secret from all but their closest friends? So what if it meant that he was kicked out of Atlantis?

Sure it was their home, and it meant so much to him, but Rodney meant more and he always would. And if it meant they retired somewhere quiet back on Earth then so be it. He'd be happy as long as Rodney was at his side.

John closed his eyes, glad that he had finally sorted everything out in his mind. But even though some problems had been sorted out, there were always more to take their place.

The biggest of all though, was the baby that Rodney carried. Keeping him safe and protected had just become a lot harder with Leander's troubling prediction.

They needed to get back to Atlantis to formulate a plan. Atlantis was the safest place to be.

* * *

Rodney fidgeted restlessly on the infirmary bed, waiting for the inevitable storm that was an angry Jennifer Keller to blow in.

He'd already had Sam tear him a new one for leaving without medical clearance (Keller had informed her of his condition when she had discovered Rodney's small act of rebellion) and he wasn't looking forward to seeing Keller face to face.

Still, Teyla was looking serene, John a little bemused and Ronon as stoic as usual as they all waited for her arrival. Post mission medicals were mandatory for all staff who had been off-world, even if it was to one of their frequently visited planets, and Rodney understood that. But still, he had a feeling like this particular one would be his last for a long time.

Sam had already forbidden that he take part in any off world activity unless she authorized it, in collaboration with Keller.

"Stop it," John whispered out of the corner of his mouth. "You know what women are like. Any sign of weakness and they're on you faster than you can sneeze."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence!" Rodney hissed back at him. "You're going to scram at the first sign of trouble aren't you?"

John just grinned in response and patted his hand. Rodney scowled and went back to watching the entrance.

Sure enough, exactly two minutes and thirty six seconds later, Keller blew in with a ferocious scowl on her face as she made a straight line to where Rodney sat.

Alarmed, he shifted back on the bed in a pathetic effort to escape but she was too quick for him and before he knew it she was standing before him, glaring. It was a rare occasion when Rodney felt cowed by anyone, but the small woman before him was blaring discontent and anger straight at in him a no fuss manner that made him want to hide behind something.

"Look, before you say anything..." he began quickly.

"You...you…I have no words!" she snapped, her hands on her hips. "No words to describe how furious I am with you Meredith Rodney Mckay! I almost had a heart attack when I found out that you had gone behind my back and snuck off on a mission without medical clearance! You _know _how important this is! You could have died!"

"I was fine, really..." Rodney protested weakly, leaning away from her.

"Er..." John seemed hesitant to interrupt. "He was sick...on the first day. Vomited and he seemed really tired..."

"Traitor!" Rodney growled at him.

Jennifer spared him a glance, and seemed to soften a little, some of her anger draining away.

"That's....relatively normal." She swung back to look at Rodney. "I expect extreme amounts of sucking up from you mister! Examinations and physicals with no complaint! Not one word or I won't hesitate to find some horrible and unusual punishment for you! Understand?"

"I understand." he agreed quickly, glad not to be the subject of some kind of physical pain from her.

"And chocolate. I expect lots of chocolate."

She seemed to be winding down from her rant, and Rodney was just glad that she wasn't the kind of woman to hold a grudge. Not that he blamed her really. What he'd done had been lousy, and he honestly did regret causing her so much worry. A couple of years ago, something like that wouldn't have bothered him, but it seemed that it was true when it was said that people change. He'd been foolish to think that he would remain the same selfish man that he had been.

"You'll get all the chocolate you could possibly hope for, and then some," he promised sincerely.

"Well good. That's settled then." She swept an assessing gaze over the rest of his team, a small frown on her face.

"You've all been medically cleared, so you can go. I want to do a full physical for Rodney and possibly an ultrasound as well."

John stood from his seat beside Rodney and Teyla and Ronon made as if to go as well, but suddenly Rodney wanted them there too. He wanted to prove to them that he wasn't delusional in any way, that he really was pregnant and horribly scared. He needed them to see how much he needed their support.

"Please," he caught John's wrist before he could move too far away.

"Can they stay?" he beseeched Keller. "I want to see the...please."

Keller looked at him for a long moment before glancing at his team mates. Somehow, she understood his confused question and nodded, seeming reluctant.

"Of course, if that is what you wish." Her face turned stern again as she looked at each of his team mates in turn. "But if you say or do anything that upsets him I'll kick you out of here so fast that you won't know what hit you. He has enough to worry about at the moment."

Teyla smiled and bowed her head a little. "Thank you Doctor Keller."

John had returned to Rodney's side wordlessly, and he said nothing about the grip Rodney had retained on his wrist. Instead, he brushed his fingers fleetingly over Rodney's, and his stomach exploded with warm butterflies that had his flushing.

"Lie down Rodney," Keller said as she slipped through the curtains surrounding his bed. "I'll be back in a moment."

He swung his legs up onto the bed and lay back staring at the ceiling, trying to swallow his apprehension. Something must have shown on his face, because Teyla took his hand and patted it at the same time that John put a hand on his shoulder and left it there. Ronon sat down at the foot of his bed unceremoniously, squashing his foot, and he scowled and kicked at him.

"Don't think I won't beat your ass into the ground just cause you're all fragile now, Mckay," Ronon growled, but there was no threat in his voice.

"I think you'll have to get past Keller first," John said dryly, before looking down at him. "I think you'll be on a very short leash for awhile, Rodney."

"I'm trying not to think about it," Rodney muttered, staring once more at the ceiling. If he never had to look at it again he would be very grateful, but something told him that he would be seeing a lot more of it in the coming months.

"Okay," Keller bustled back in dragging a cart with what was presumably an ultrasound machine mounted on it.

Teyla stepped back and John took her place, slipping his hand into Rodney's smoothly and entangling their fingers. Rodney squeezed his hand gratefully and felt an answering pressure.

They all watched curiously as Keller set up the machine and turned it on.

"John, roll his shirt up would you?" she asked softly.

John did so, exposing his stomach to the cool air. His belly was smooth and relatively flat (he'd lost weight during his captivity, so he had practically regained the figure he'd throughout school and university) and unblemished, save for the white scar that ran its length vertically.

"This may be a little cool," Keller warned before she squirted some clear gel onto his skin. "Okay now..."

She placed the wand of the ultrasound on his stomach and started to move it around slowly, staring intently at the screen. Rodney did the same, glancing at the fuzzy black and white display and at Keller's face alternatively.

"There it is." Keller said after a couple of minutes. She stood back a bit to let the others see, but kept the wand in the same place.

It was almost comical the way Ronon, Teyla and John all leaned forward in unison, peering at the display.

There was a long silence.

"What exactly are we looking at?" John asked uncertainly.

Keller smiled at them all indulgently, obviously enjoying their rapt attention.

"This here," she pointed to a spot a little to the left of the screen, where a small white blob was. "This is the fetus."

It was a strange looking thing; there was a darker looking spot that might have been the beginnings of an eye, and four little nubs which were probably limbs, and....was that a tail?

"It looks...." John began.

"Are you sure that's even human?" Ronon asked, leaning a little closer. "Don't look like no human thing I've ever seen."

"Ronon!" Teyla hit his arm.

"It is a fetus, Ronon," Keller said with a smile. "A lot of animal fetuses look alike in the early stages of development. It takes awhile before it starts to resemble a human baby."

"Wow...." John murmured, glancing at Rodney. "That's pretty amazing."

"Isn't it?" Keller smiled at John and then Rodney. "Truly a miracle."

Rodney had his doubts on that subject, but he kept them to himself. He was unable to look away from the tiny little floaty thing that was currently residing (_growing) _in his stomach. How long until it became a person? Until it started to wake and sleep and move?

He was still terrified, still scared shitless of what was happening to him, but he could no longer deny the curiosity that he was feeling either.

"Now everyone out. I need to finish his examination and then he needs to rest." Keller said briskly.

The others left pretty promptly after that, not keen to invoke Keller's temper. Rodney said goodbye to them absentmindedly, before tucking an arm beneath his head and staring at the ceiling. Keller bustled around his quietly, checking this and that, but Rodney's mind was elsewhere.

* * *

Almost an hour later, Rodney found Radek Zelenka bent over a desk in one of the quieter labs in the North West tower. After hovering in the doorway for a few seconds, he cleared his throat and stepped further into the room.

Radek looked up at him and blinked, before smiling in surprise.

Rodney held up an ancient data crystal before the man could say anything in greeting.

"I need you to look at something for me, Radek," he said nervously. "I need your help."

TBC

A/N: Comments, questions and feedback are always welcomed and much appreciated.


	14. The First of a Million Kisses

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN - _The First of A Million Kisses_**

If I stay it won't be long

Till I'm burning on the inside

If I go I can only hope

That I make it to the other side

If you want to get out alive

Hold on for your life

- Get Out Alive by Three Days Grace

* * *

**Please be advised that there is explicit content in this chapter, of the M/M persuasion. If this is not your cup of tea, please don't read.**

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* * *

  
**

~ Three Months Later ~

"Unbelievable!"

Rodney threw up his hands and whirled around, pacing to one side of the lab and then back again.

"You are being unreasonable Rodney," Radek said, from his perch on his stool, watching calmly with his chin in his hand.

"I am not!" he retorted, rubbing his belly as his side twinged again. "If they'd only _listened _instead of automatically assuming that I was wrong because I'm not thinking straight..."

"But you're not, Rodney. If you'd take just a moment to actually look at the calculations you'd see that...."

"Of course you would take their side," Rodney muttered, shooting him a dark look. "You think that they need to be coddled because they deserve to work in an easy environment, but let me tell you, if that were the case then we'd all be resting at the bottom of the ocean by now...."

"Is he giving you trouble again, Doctor Zelenka?" an amused voice asked from the doorway.

He turned to see Sam standing there watching with a smile on her face. He scowled at her.

"What are you doing here? Some people are trying to get some _work _done you know...."

"Work? More like acting the terrorist," Radek muttered from behind him.

"Work Rodney?" Sam asked sweetly. "I think I remember Doctor Keller ordering you to take a rest day today?"

"Er...."

"In fact, I specifically remember telling you that you were going to take the day off and do something relaxing. If I remember correctly, relaxing doesn't involve yelling at your scientists and terrorizing the Marines, who, by the way, are acting very edgy around you."

"Yeah well, _somebody's _got to yell at them or the next thing you know they'll be setting fire to a lab somewhere on the East pier." He didn't need to turn around to see Radek wince at that particular remark.

"And now I've got a handful of upset scientists on the verge of breakdowns from the sheer stress of having to work with you," Sam continued as if he hadn't said a word.

"I'm sorry, was there a reason for this visit?" Rodney demanded. "Not that it isn't _lovely _to see you down here looking over our shoulders...."

"Why yes, in fact there is," Sam replied sweetly, wandering over to a bench and picking up an oval shaped artifact that they had determined was long past dead. "I believe you have a check up with Doctor Keller....starting half an hour ago."

"Crap...." Rodney muttered as he looked over to the multitude of computers that were running various simulations on all of the experiments that he was supervising.

"Yeah crap. I can imagine that she's not very happy with you right now, but I'd get moving if I were you," She said casually, as if they were discussing the weather rather than something he considered life-threatening. He'd been at the hands of Keller enough to know that when she felt slighted in anyway, she tended to get out the very _big _needles. "Of course that's just me. If you'd rather stay here and continue to fire your poor scientists, then it's you life."

"I get the point. You know, you can be a real..." he grumbled as he downed the remains of his tea (_tea_ for Christ's sake) and stood up.

"If _John _were to hear about this of course, I know exactly what he'd be saying right now..."Sam continued as she ambled over to one of the computers.

Rodney stiffened in alarm. "You _can't_!" he squeaked, scandalized. "You _wouldn't! _Why would you even suggest something like that...."

"I didn't say that I would," Sam glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. "I can't speak for what Keller will do if you keep her waiting any longer though."

"Okay, Okay, I'm going already," he grumbled as he hurried out.

The corridors of Atlantis were busy with scientists and soldiers alike as they went about their daily duties. Rodney navigated his way around people rather easily considering his preoccupation.

It had been almost three months since his last mission and he was half way through his fourth month of pregnancy.

At first, it had been relatively easy to lose himself in his work after he had been grounded to Atlantis. He hadn't been obviously pregnant and he looked much as he had before. It had been easy to forget as he immersed himself into the busy schedule that the upkeep of Atlantis demanded. Keller had been keeping a close eye on his habits and routines, and had even recruited a close network of his colleagues and friends to keep an eye on him and make sure he ate and rested regularly.

The worst of these had been John. He was a no-nonsense, tight fisted control freak when it came to keeping Rodney in line and following Keller's orders. It was almost comical the way he had a habit of turning up whenever Rodney felt a rebellious streak coming on. But Rodney, grumbling and grousing, put up with his OCD tendencies, because he knew that John had his best interests at heart, and he really was worried about what happened to him.

Perhaps the strangest thing of all was the enthusiasm John had infected all the soldiers on the base with. They were perhaps more protective of him that they were of anyone else, keeping a close eye on him at all times. Rodney still wasn't sure if he believed all the hype that Keller was spouting (and he still wasn't sure if he did) that the early months of his pregnancy were important in establishing routines and building his strength for the more stressful months to come.

And he had noticed that his body was starting to slow down. As he had gained weight and his waist expanded, he found himself tiring more easily, and he was ravenously hungry at strange times of the day and night. Thankfully, his mood swings had quieted down a bit and he had buried himself in the daily problems that Atlantis presented to him. If he noticed that people were a little nicer to him, and a bit more patient then he didn't say anything about it, mostly because he wasn't sure _what _to say. He hid his discomfort by ignoring it completely.

His stomach was noticeably rounded now, but he wasn't huge which was a relief. It wasn't too hard to move around and bend to do things, but it was getting a little trickier to stand up from a sitting position. There was no denying that he was pregnant though.

Keller seemed pleased though, because he hadn't presented with any problems, and he was still strong and powering on despite the obvious hindrances.

Surprisingly, despite his pregnancy, he was content. No one sought to exclude him from anything, and everyone treated him with dignity and respect. Whether this was because John, Sam, Major Lorne and Keller were keeping a close eye on the residents of Atlantis, he didn't know. Or maybe it was because Teyla and Ronon were constantly checking up on him, and eyeballing anyone they thought was treating him differently. Rodney found himself oddly touched by their protectiveness. It should have made him feel claustrophobic and irritable, but it hadn't seemed to affect it as it normally would have. He blamed it on hormones.

He was still allowed to do as he liked, within reason. He wasn't allowed to roam into unexplored sections of the city without an escort, but he was still allowed to do his experiments, provided they didn't involve dangerous chemicals, or radiation.

Rodney heaved a sigh as the infirmary came into sight, and rubbed a hand across his pleasantly rounded abdomen. His thoughts turned briefly to John, who was off on a mission with Teyla and Ronon, and he wondered how things were going.

The jealousy and anxiety that he had felt when they had started going on missions again had faded somewhat, and was replaced by the fear that one day their luck would run out and they wouldn't come back. He felt helpless, not being there to watch their backs and save them from a dozen potentially ridiculous or deadly situations.

And the frustrating thing about John, Rodney thought to himself annoyed, was that he acted like Rodney would break underneath his hands. As if he was fragile and fleeting, like he would slip away at any moment and John would be left alone and wondering again.

Sure, Rodney was slower moving these days and sometimes he needed help doing the easiest things (like tying his boots, how ridiculous was _that?_) but that didn't mean that he was going to shatter. And he still had his doubts, about himself, about John and the whole shebang, but he was feeling a little stronger each day, a little more stubborn and more resilient.

The thing was, he could look back at his captivity and the atrocities he had suffered, and he could say to himself that he had survived. He had made it through something that threatened his very existence, and he had come back stronger. It had taken awhile, but as he made it through another day, he could smile to himself and be satisfied that he had defied the odds and made it through. He liked to think that he had come through a better person, but that was still up in the air.

Besides, he had another ordeal to get through, and that was the messy business of pregnancy and babies. He found it best not to think about that too much though.

But John had played a big role in his recovery. He had provided all the support that Rodney could need. He'd been a strong and silent shadow at Rodney's back, always ready for him to fall back on during his bad days, but far enough away for him to find himself again.

He had provided physical comfort. He held him when the nightmares made him shake and tremble, kissed him when he needed to forget and escape. John looked after him when he was feeling sick and miserable, and he made sure he ate and slept and kept away all the curious onlookers.

Despite that though, their relationship hadn't progressed past first base. Sure, sometime John slept with him, soothing him through the night terrors until the morning. And sometimes they sat on the couch and just kissed because they could. But despite Rodney's desires to take it further, John always carefully withdrew, and it was frustrating the hell out of Rodney,

Still, that was something to think about later, he decided firmly as he squared his shoulders and walked into the infirmary. No need to be thinking about John touching him and....doing things to him when Keller was going to have her hands on him. She might get the wrong idea.

"Rodney...." Keller greeted him with a little frown on her face. "I take it you know what time it is?"

"Yeah Yeah I've already had this lecture from Sam," he mumbled as he slid up onto the bed.

Keller had set up a private room for their meetings and it was always ready for him should he need it. She was deeply unhappy that whenever John was on a mission or on duty, Rodney was left alone. For awhile she had insisted that he spend those nights in the infirmary, in case something happened.

Rodney had eventually put his foot down and declared that he had had enough. John had, rather reluctantly let him stay in their rooms.

"Have you had lunch yet?" she demanded as she pushed up his sleeve and attached a blood pressure cuff to his upper arm.

"Yes of course. One of your minions made sure of that," he snorted, enjoying their familiar bickering. Keller was easy going and hard to bait, so he had taken it on as his own personal mission to get a rise out of her. He'd even gotten close once, but then John had walked in the room and his attention had immediately zeroed in on him, and it had been an all out war of the wits.

"Well someone has to," she grumped as she pressed her stethoscope to the crease of his elbow. They were quiet for a few moments as she listened and he watched as she frowned slightly. She had a multitude of doctors monitoring his vitals and doing his blood work constantly, as she was convinced that something would go wrong at any moment. Rodney knew the probability of that was pretty high, but he hadn't aborted in the first months as they had thought he would, and he was feeling energetic and strong.

"You're blood pressure is slightly elevated," she said finally, pulling the cuff off. "Take your shirt off."

"Why Jennifer," Rodney mocked as he did so. "I thought you didn't put out on the first date."

"This is more like our hundredth Rodney," She replied wryly. "Don't worry, your virtue will remain intact."

She paused for a moment to press her hand against his belly, before she put the stethoscope on his chest. He flinched back and scowled at her.

"Cold!"

"Sorry," she apologized, warming it for a moment between her hands before putting it back where it had been.

"Anything?" he asked after a moment.

"It's relatively normal."

"Relatively? What do you mean 'relatively?" he demanded. "Is there something wrong with it?"

"No Rodney. Its normal for pregnant women's heart rate to increase during pregnancy. It's nothing to worry about," she explained with exasperation in her voice as she hung the stethoscope around her neck. "I want to do another blood work up and I'll need a urine sample."

"Again? You doctors really are ghouls. I'll be sucked dry by the time you're finished with me..." he muttered.

"I'm sorry. What was that?" she turned around, smiling sweetly with a nasty looking needle in her hand. "I didn't quite hear what you said..."

Rodney swallowed and eyed the needle in her hand.

"N-nothing," he stammered quickly, feeling an unexpected wave of nausea.

"That's what I thought. I'll be back."

~ * ~* ~* ~*

"Rodney."

He looked up from picking at the remains of his dinner to see Teyla standing before him. She was dressed in a long skirt, made of shimmering, flowing fabric that fell to the floor, and one of her usual tight vest tops. She looked serene and relaxed and she smiled at him warmly in greeting.

"Hey!" He sat up a little straighter. "When did you guys get back?"

"We finished the debriefing with Sam half an hour ago. Ronon and John are down on the peir. I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me down there?" She tilted her head in invitation. "Unless there is a reason you are sitting out here all by yourself?"

Rodney glanced around at the balcony just off the mess hall, and noted that it was deserted apart from himself. It was late, almost eight o clock Atlantis time, and most of the other personnel had eaten already. He'd been caught up in his reading of the ancient data base before discovering that he was starving. Luckily, he hadn't missed out on his favorite dishes, and was feeling full, content and rather mellow.

"No reason, no," he replied as he stood up.

She stepped closed and gestured to his stomach.

"May I?"

Teyla always asked permission before touching him, since he had revealed that he was pregnant, and it was something for which he was extremely grateful. He knew there were days when he was irritable and couldn't stand to be touched, and Teyla seemed to understand that innately. Perhaps it was because she was a woman herself, or maybe because she had seen many of her friends fall pregnant and knew the complicated emotions and urges that went hand in hand with pregnancy. But whatever the reason, he was always glad she asked.

He nodded his consent and watched as she laid a hand on his belly, stroking gently for a minute.

"You had your weekly checkup with Keller today, yes?"

"How is it that you always remember and I never seem to?" he complained.

She merely smiled, and patted his stomach gently, before looping her arm through his and drawing him away.

"How did it go?" she enquired.

"As well as can be expected, I guess," he huffed. "Any problems on the mission?"

She shook her head with a smile. "No. John was rather...irritated with the new scientist that you assigned to our team. In fact, I was rather afraid that he was going to suffer from an....what's that term you use when he's annoyed?"

"An aneurysm?" he supplied dryly.

"Yes, one of those."

She regaled him with tales from their three day long mission, and Rodney tried his best not to show how much he had missed them during their time away. Sam tried to limit them to single day missions, but it wasn't easy considering that their team was the number one team for meeting and greeting new peoples.

Teyla strolled down through the levels of Atlantis until they were out on the west pier. The night air was cool, but not unpleasant, and a gentle breeze caressed them softly. They paused for a minute, and Rodney tilted his head back to stare at the sky above them.

The stars were shining so brightly, a multitude of jewels set against an inky black night sky, and Rodney was startlingly glad that he was alive and breathing to witness such a magnificent night.

"Breath taking isn't it?" Teyla asked quietly from beside him, following his gaze upwards. "It brings a sense of peace, does it not?"

He nodded his agreement.

"Speaking of which, I wanted to offer my assistance to you," she said as they continued their slow stroll towards the end of the pier. Buildings surrounded them, but they became more scarce the further out they went.

"Assistance? What kind of assistance?"

"I am very apt in my practices of meditation and relaxation," she said slowly. "I have often used my skills to aid expectant parents within my own people. I have been told that the techniques I teach that help a person to bare pain have been very useful when it comes to childbirth."

"But I..."

"I understand that no one knows exactly how your labor will come about, Rodney," she continued smoothly. "But I do not believe that it will be without pain. I have spoken to Doctor Keller, and she agrees that it would be useful. She likened it to some practices within your own people, I believe. I can't recall what name she used."

"Lamaze, I think," Rodney told her glumly.

"You don't have to give me an answer now. Just keep in mind that my offer always stands if you should ever decide to accept. I spend an hour in the north east practice room at five o clock every afternoon should you ever wish to join me."

He thought about it for a minute. "Thanks Teyla," he managed eventually. "I'll think about it."

John and Ronon were stretched out lazily on the very edge of the peir. John's long legs dangled off the edge, and Ronon was lying on his side with his head propped on one fist.

John looked up and smiled as they approached.

"Hey!" he got up and caught Rodney in a tight hug for a moment before he stepped back and looking him up and down swiftly.

"How've you been?"

Rodney rolled his eyes but couldn't keep the smile from tugging at his mouth.

"Despite your paranoid tendencies, Sheppard, I am able to cope by myself," he said, letting Teyla help him sit down when John had been previously. "Besides, Keller had her watch dogs nearby at all times, so there's no need for you to worry your pretty head about me."

"Yeah well, you know what they say about old dogs and new tricks," John replied ruefully as he sat back down beside him. "And your check up? Sorry I missed it, by the way."

Rodney shrugged uncomfortably. "It was fine. Keller wants to do an ultrasound at my next check up. She says she'll be able to tell if it's a boy or girl."

"Really?" John smiled, and looked out over the water. "Wow. What do you think it'll be?"

"Don't be fooled by him, Rodney," Teyla cut in dryly. "People are already placing bets. John's got the most money on it at the moment."

John looked slightly apologetic. "Well...some healthy competition isn't bad for moral."

"You're taking bets on this?" Rodney asked incredulously, not sure how he felt about that. "On me?"

John's head shot up, surprised. "Well, yea but I didn't think...."

"That's just the problem, isn't it, Colonel?" Rodney snapped, before he had a chance to think about it. "You didn't _think _how I'd feel about it did you?"

Before John could say anything, Rodney started struggling to his feet, inwardly cursing his body and the baby for slowing him down and making him so awkward and clumsy. He shook of Teyla's steadying hand and walked away from them, towards the other side of the peer, trying to rein in his spiraling emotions.

It wasn't fair. None of it was fair; people taking bets on his own misfortune, and looking to profit from his misery?

"Hey Rodney, wait up," John jogged to catch up with him but Rodney kept walking towards the railing in front of him, ridiculously envious of John's ability to move fast.

Unlike John, Rodney was starting to slow down, the added weight and his expanding stomach weighing him down a little more each day. Even his walking gait had changed, becoming more ambling than its usual fast, business like stride. There were some times he felt ridiculously glad that he wasn't going on missions any more.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Rodney," John said when he caught up. "I'm sorry."

They stopped at the railing and he leant his elbows against it. Behind them, Teyla and Ronon were distant figures shrouded in darkness, but the quiet rise and fall of their voices carried on the breeze. He couldn't make out the words but the cadence of their voices relieved him. They had privacy but help wasn't too far away should they need it for any obscure reason.

"No I'm sorry," Rodney hung his head tiredly for a moment. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's just these _hormones_, though that's really not an excuse for acting badly. Forgive me?"

John smiled at him, the dim lighting running along the edges of the pier casting his face into ghostly, ethereal light.

"Only if you'll forgive me," he replied.

"Deal." Rodney accepted gratefully. There were times when he was glad that John's easy going personality provided the perfect counter point to his own more abrasive and obtrusive personality. It was often the case that John was forced to make amends for Rodney's difficult ways, and while that always made him feel guilty, having John there always provided a certain sense of security for him.

"So, hormones huh?" John leant on the railing beside him. "Have you had any rest today?"

Rodney shook his head. "I haven't had the time. I've been running simulations with Radek for maximizing the ZPM's power out put, and before I knew it I lost track of time and had to rush to my appointment with Keller. After that, she practically frog marched me to the mess hall for dinner and that's when Teyla found me."

"Ah. Keller's gonna start nagging you to stop working soon, you know that don't you?" John glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"Really?" Rodney half turned to look at him in surprise. "I would have you thought you'd be all....forbidding and stuff when it comes to me following the doctors orders."

"Forbidding?" John's brow crinkled in confusion. "Seriously?"

"Well, while you've been doing a fair impression of Florence Nightingale, I'm not so sure she went around bearing arms and threatening people with bodily harm if they didn't follow her orders. You've been pretty strict when it comes to me doing what Keller recommends."

John straightened at that. "I'm not...I don't mean to push you around or anything...."

"No I know that," Rodney said quietly, looking down at the waves breaking against the pier. The noise they made as they pushed against the solidity of Atlantis was like music to his ears; it was a sound that he had missed sorely during him imprisonment, and it soothed his worries considerably.

"You're only looking out for me, I know," he said. "It feels...good, knowing that there's someone who cares about what happens to me."

"I do you know," John returned to his resting post and shifted a little close, picking up Rodney's hand and stroking it slowly. "If something happened to you again...I think I'd go out of my mind. When you were gone the first time, I just...it was like a bad dream. I kept hoping I'd wake up and you'd be back. It was like something had been stolen from me that I hadn't known I'd miss until it was gone."

Rodney looked down at their hands and interlaced their fingers. John's hands were rough and worn from years of warfare and hardship, but there was an elegance there, and a gracefulness that years of death and endurance couldn't steal. Even in the blunt, nails, and tapered fingers and the broad palms, which were just about as masculine as they came, there was something indefinable about them that had him fascinated.

He rubbed his fingers over the smooth skin covering the back of John's hand and smiled, loving the warmth that engulfed him because of John's words. It felt good to be needed.

"This was what I dream about, you know?" he said in reply, finally looking up and out towards the dark horizon, where the sea met the sky. "I'd be drugged out of my mind and hurting from what they were doing to me, and I don't remember much, but I do remember dreaming about Atlantis, about being back here. With you."

John moved even closer until his shoulder bumped Rodney's companionably.

"I'm glad I helped you get through."

"I'm glad you rescued me."

"But still, I couldn't stop them from experimenting on you, could I?" John asked, a slightly bitter quality to his voice. "I couldn't stop them from putting that...thing in you."

"I don't blame you for any of this John. All that matters is that you got me out. And that I'm still alive."

"Yea well, I blame myself enough for the both of us, I guess." John replied, his eyes trained on the horizon like Rodney.

He turned to face John at that, forcing him to face him as he used their joined hands to pull John out of his slouch.

"Don't," he told him seriously. "Don't do that. Don't punish yourself because of this. I'm trying to put all of this behind me, and I can't do that if you're constantly beating yourself up because of something that couldn't be prevented."

"But I just..."

"No, John. Just...no. You did everything you could, and that's more than enough for me. Please, just...try to forget about it, okay? For me?"

John stepped closer and raised his hands to Rodney's face, framing it with his large, warm hands.

"I can never forget, Rodney. Never." he said, his voice low and rough. "I can try to move past it, and I will. But I'll never forget what they did to you."

Before Rodney could formulate any sort of response, John was kissing him, pressing his soft, warm mouth to Rodney's.

He melted against John's body, feeling hard, warm muscle pressing against his own softer curves. Soft lips parted his slowly and expertly, tasting him again and again before the kiss deepened into something wetter and hotter.

Rodney groaned, feeling unbelievably turned on from all the physical contact. He knew that his heightened sense of arousal was a product of his pregnancy (it was something Keller had warned him about) but none of that mattered when John's arms were keeping him pressed against his lean body, and his mouth was doing wicked things to him.

The kiss ended when John dragged his mouth and down his chin to his neck. Rodney tilted his head back with a gasp as teeth scraped at his Adam's apple. He wanted John with him, in him, and in his bed. He _needed _John to touch him, to press against his rock hard arousal and grant him some sort of release.

Eventually, John stopped tasting his neck and pulled back slightly to look at him.

"John..." Rodney groaned, pressing his hips even more tightly against the warm body before him. "Don't tease me. If you're not going to help me out then for the love of god, please...."

"I don't mean to tease you, Rodney," John said on an exhale, lowering his head. "I just....it's wrong of me to take advantage of you when you're in such a vulnerable state."

"Vulnerable?" Rodney put some space between them at last. "You think I'm vulnerable?"

"Well, not _vulnerable_ exactly, just...." he gestured awkwardly. "How could we when you're..."

"Fat?" Rodney supplied, glaring at him.

"No, not fat." John rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Pregnant. I meant pregnant. I don't want to hurt you, that's all."

"You won't hurt me," Rodney snapped. "You can't hurt me, Keller says so, as long as it's not too rough. Seriously, _that's _why we haven't been having hot sex?"

John looked slightly offended. "Well....I didn't know did I?"

Rodney frowned at him for a moment longer, sure that there was more to the story than John was letting on. But that was John Sheppard for you. He had hidden depths that he himself probably didn't even know he had, which was saying something.

"Thank god for that. I was starting to think that you...didn't want me..." Rodney said, deflating.

It was John's turn to scowl. Rodney found himself pulled sharply against John's body once more, before a hard roll of John's hips pressed his hard on against Rodney. His mouth dropped open and his eyes closed at the lightning bolt of arousal it sent through his sensitized nerves.

"Does that feel like I'm not interested?" John growled, pressing a hard kiss to his mouth.

Rodney moaned, loving the dominance that was being asserted over him.

"You're getting off on this aren't you?" John's voice was filled with wonder, and Rodney opened lust heavy eyes to try and scowl at him, but it was hard when John was still pressed so intimately up against him.

"You're a kinky bastard Rodney," John laughed, affectionately pulling him close and pressing a kiss to the top of his head before dropping his mouth next to Rodney's ear.

"Don't worry," he murmured, making Rodney shudder as hot breath brushed his neck. "We'll finish this later tonight."

Rodney swallowed, trying to calm himself down. They still had friends close by after all, and he had no intention of letting them know how aroused he was. He could feel the lust and the need thrumming through his veins like wild fire, but it would have to wait for a little bit longer it seemed.

John was hugging him now, his face pressed into the side of his neck.

They stood there for a long time, just holding one another as their erections faded slowly. It felt amazing just to be held by someone, let along someone as amazing as John. Rodney had been on his own for many long years, and while he had been able to lose himself in his admittedly very important work, there was always a part of him that wanted someone to share his discoveries with.

He had that now, had John and he was smarter than anyone he had hoped for. Rodney had always tried to push away the part of him that craved human touch, and he had mostly been successful. But he was a very tactile person, and liked being able to touch and learn and explore, and it seemed that maybe now he could stop denying himself and start indulging the desire. It didn't seem like John minded in the slightest.

"I missed you the last couple of days," Rodney whispered into his hair eventually.

"I missed you too," John replied. "All the time I was stuck babysitting that idiot Stevens while he jumped at every little noise and all I could think of was that I wished it was you back with us."

They separated a little, putting some space between them at last, and Rodney found himself missing John's heat. He had to smile as John grumbled about the new scientist assigned to his team.

"Yea well, I'm not sure how much better I would be, given my current state," Rodney looked down and touched his protruding stomach gently, alarmed by the feeling of warmth that flooded his chest.

John had followed his gaze and splayed his own hand over Rodney's belly.

"I can't believe..." he began before shaking his head.

"What?" Rodney asked curiously.

"I can't believe that there's a real baby in there," John seemed amazed as he stroked the baby bump slowly. "Can you feel it moving yet?"

Rodney shook his head. "No, nothing. But Keller said that it's in this second trimester that I should start to feel it kicking."

John nodded. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

Rodney shook his head and tried not let the wave of sorrow overwhelm him.

"John, I....I try not to think about it like that because...the odds of me keeping this baby are...pretty slim at the moment."

John's head jerked up at that and he stared at Rodney searchingly.

"What I mean is....Atlantis is no place for a baby, and I'm not fit to be a parent, so when it's born I'll probably put it up for adoption. I-I can't keep it, John. I couldn't..."

And that was perhaps the worst part of it, Rodney thought. Because he knew what it had been like to not feel like your parents wanted you, he knew that kind of pain and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. He just hoped that if the pregnancy progressed that far, that the baby would get a good home and people who would love it as if it were their own. He felt ashamed because of his own weakness, and he hated his own cowardice, but he just couldn't see a way to make it work, even if he did want to keep the baby.

"Hey," John lifted his chin gently and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "It's okay. We'll work something out. Just...don't close yourself to all of the options okay? You're a good man, Rodney Mckay, and I'm sure you'll do what's right for both you and the baby."

Rodney nodded, feeling stupidly reassured by John's words, even if it wasn't as simple as he said it was.

"Hey!" Ronon's bellow rang out across the pier and echoed slightly off the distant buildings. "Your beer's getting warm Sheppard!"

"Beer?" Rodney perked up.

"No beer for you, I'm afraid," John grinned wrapping an arm around his shoulders and guiding him back towards Teyla and Ronon. "Doctor's orders."

~ * ~* ~* ~

Unfortunately for Rodney, John was called away as they were heading back towards the warmth of Atlantis; something about an altercation between two marines that needed to be sorted out, and with an apologetic smile to them all, and a fleeting touch to Rodney's hand, he was off. He tried not to be too disappointed, but he was afraid he failed miserably.

Still, he thought perhaps that he had maybe over done it a little today. He could feel the exhaustion tugging away at this body, making his movements sluggish and his ability to follow conversation practically nil.

Teyla saw him to the quarters, and with a squeeze to his arm she bid him a good night. He sighed in relief as he closed the door behind her and toed off his shoes. The lights in their quarters were glowing brightly, making the place feel welcoming and homey. Random possessions of his and John's were scattered around the common area; a magazine here, a jacket thrown haphazardly over a chair there, several Physics journals and power bar wrappers littering the place. He couldn't be bothered to make an effort to tidy the place (it had been a bit tidier before John had left as he was the cleaner of the two) and he didn't think that John would mind too much.

With a jaw creaking yawn, he stumbled towards his bedroom, stripping off his jacket and his oversized t-shirt as he went before shucking his trousers and socks and kicking them towards his laundry basket.

And there was his bed, waiting for him patiently. It was larger then the average Atlantis bed, more like a king sized earth bed, and he had no idea why that was but he couldn't care less as he pulled back the covers and crawled in. Mashing his pillow into a comfortable shape, he curled up and pulled the blankets over himself in a warm cocoon.

It didn't take long for him slip into sleep.

What seemed like moments later, he was woken abruptly by a muffled thumping noise near his door and he was half sitting up already before John's voice emerged from the darkness.

"Easy, Rodney, it's just me."

He groaned sleepily and he collapsed back down and pushed his face back into his sleep-warm pillow. He drifted in that pleasant realm of half sleep half wakefulness as he listened to John fighting his boots, then his trousers before he finally felt the covers being moved back on the other side of the bed, and the dip as he slid onto the mattress.

Then a warm body was pressing up against his back, and John's face was pressed into the soft hair above the nape of his neck.

"Mmmmm," he shifted sleepily, pushing back against John.

John shifted a little in response, pushing closer until his hips cradled Rodney's ass, and a warm arm slid around his middle. Rodney reached down and intertwined their fingers over his stomach.

"Is it time to finish it?" Rodney mumbled into his pillow.

"Finish what?" John warm breath washed over his neck, his voice a low rumble at his back that was pleasing and soothing all at once.

"What we started earlier."

There was a huff of air that indicated silent laughter before a chaste kiss was pressed to his shoulder.

"No. Sleep Rodney," John whispered, kissing his neck. "There's plenty of time for that later."

Rodney thought he grumbled something under his breath but he did remember pulling John's arm around him more tightly before he slipped back into sleep once more.

~* ~* ~* ~* ~*

Rodney woke slowly wrapped in a warm embrace and looking out the his bedroom window. It wasn't yet light, but there was a pre-dawn glow falling over Atlantis and the ocean beyond. For awhile, he just lay there quietly, breathing the wonderful smell of John and fresh, morning air.

They'd shifted during the night so the Rodney was facing the window, but John was still pressed up against his back, a warm, solid weight behind him that made him feel protected and hot in the depths of his stomach.

Never in a thousand dreams had he imaged that he would one day end up in such a manner with John. Granted, in his dreams the circumstances that had led to where they were drastically different (and certainly didn't include him being pregnant of all things) but that hardly mattered at all to him

Countless people would tell him that he wasn't worthy of John. Just looking at him could melt the eyeballs out of any one who had been sex starved for any length of time, and besides that he was a decent human being, with a questionable need to save anyone and anything from certain doom, even if it meant his own demise. His hero complex was something of a concern to Rodney, but he tried not to dwell on that too much.

But besides being a good man, he was a soldier through and through. He thrived on routine and despised being inactive for any amount of time, no matter how laconic he appeared. He had a distinct disliking for following orders that he felt put people in danger, but he was as loyal as anything and he inspired such loyalty in his men, who looked up to him with a respect that sometimes took him by surprise.

Sometimes it was hard to reconcile the person John was outside of the soldier and the soldier part of him, but other times they were indistinguishable.

John and Rodney were two completely different people, and while they shared some common interests, they were polar opposites of each other. The odds were stacked against them being compatible, but for some strange, unknown reason, they were.

But when they got right down to it, none of that petty bullshit mattered when it was just the two of them. When they were alone together was when Rodney felt completely overwhelmed with the love he had for John. It wasn't hard to be attracted to him, after all.

Sometime during his quiet contemplation of their relationship, John stirred, as if sensing that he was the subject of Rodney's thoughts.

Rodney smiled as a sleepy kiss was fumbled to the back of his neck.

"Morning...."

"Hey." Rodney shifted from his position, and John loosened his grip long enough for Rodney to wiggled around so they were facing each other before he dropped his heavy arm back onto Rodney's waist. John blinked slowly at him, obviously still waking up and Rodney's heart melted annoyingly in his chest.

"Hi...." John mumbled, closing his eyes again.

Rodney brushed a kiss across John's forehead before sliding upwards into a sitting position. John's arm dropped around his legs and he pouted sleepily.

"Where're you goin?"

"Bathroom," Rodney smiled at him, and awkwardly scrambled off the bed, cursing his stomach for getting in the way.

"You gonna be sick?" came the muffled question from behind him.

Rodney looked over his shoulder to find John had stretched out on his stomach with his arms hugging the pillow and his face half buried in it. The blankets covered his lower half, but he was still a vision hotter than anything in a porn magazine.

"No," he replied gruffly, trying to hide his sudden arousal. "Just gotta pee."

After attending to his bodily needs, he returned to the warmth of he bed, where he curled against John's sleeping side and laid his head on his shoulder blade, listening to the steady thump-thumping of his heart beneath his ear.

A sense of peace unlike any other claimed Rodney's soul, and as he listened to John's steady breathing, he realized that he was right where he was meant to be, no matter what anyone said or thought.

He pressed a reverent kiss to the golden skin beneath him and swept a hand down the length of his back.

John shifted at that, and Rodney moved so that he could lie on his side facing Rodney once more, looking more aware than before.

For a moment they just looked at each other, before Rodney moved in to press a chaste, close mouth kiss to that pliant mouth. John groaned and opened immediately, granted entrance, and their tongues curled in a dance they both knew off by heart.

John was pressing against him closely once more, his hand stroking his side rhythmically in a way that was getting him all hot and bothered beneath his skin, like an itch that he couldn't scratch. He was pretty sure that he was making desperate, needy noises, but it didn't matter. He needed John closer, needed to feel him, to feel alive and to burn under his touch.

Slowly, too slowly, John moved his mouth down his neck, scattering kisses across his shoulders and collar bone.

"God, Rodney, your shoulders....you drive me crazy, you know that?" John spared his a glance as he rolled Rodney onto his back. "And your nipples..."

Hot, wet suction enclosed his left nipple and Rodney arched under the pressure, whining as pleasure shot straight from his nipple to his cock.

John switched his attention to the other briefly, before moving in a broken line down over the bulge of his growing stomach. He rested between Rodney's spread legs, propping his weight on his forearms on either side of Rodney's hips, he looked up with a wicked smile before switching his attention back to Rodney's stomach.

"Hi," he said to his belly, pressing a wet kiss to his navel. Rodney resisted the urge to roll his eyes and slap him over his head. "I bet it's pretty nice in there huh?"

"You realize it can't hear you right?"

"Of course she can, right baby?" John lowered his head and pressed another, longer kiss to the skin beneath him. "You look after your daddy okay? Be nice to him because he's very important."

Rodney shuddered as his hot, intense gaze shifted to his face once more before moving lower. Hot kisses trailed down his hips leaving fire in their wake. He was shaking with need when John stroked his legs, encouraging him to spread his legs a little wider. He did so without fuss or argument, wanting to submit everything to John and give him anything he wanted. His body was all that he had to offer, and he did it freely.

But the torture continued as John caressed the insides of his thighs.

"Please...." he begged shamelessly. "God, John...."

"Shhh, its okay. I'll get you there," John whispered against the skin of his thigh. He was slowly licking a path towards his groin, taking his sweet time. John could be frustratingly patient when he wanted to be and it really didn't surprise Rodney that that applied in bed as well.

John's mouth was skilled though, there was no denying that at all, and he cried out as his cock was engulfed all of a sudden and deep throated. John pulled back slightly and sucked on the tip for a moment before sliding back down. Rodney was shaking and moaning uncontrollably, unable to hold the force of his reaction at bay.

John made contented noise then swallowed as Rodney's cock hit the back of his throat and Rodney's hips jerked and he arched off the bed as he cried out and came in John's mouth. John just took it all, stroking his thighs throughout and licking his clean as Rodney shuddered through the aftershocks.

Once he was licked clean, John released Rodney's length and crawled up to rest beside him, careful not to put any weight on his stomach. A soft kiss was pressed to Rodney's shoulder, and he pried his eyes open, his body feeling liquid and loose from the incredible orgasm that John had drawn him to. He turned his head to look at John, who was smiling at him with his head propped on his hand.

Rodney glanced down to where John was stroking himself leisurely, and he reached out and encircled John's impressive length with his own hand. He was long, but not as thick as Rodney was, and Rodney felt a particular stirring in the base of his stomach. He entangled his fingers with John's and together they stroked him slowly. Rodney watched as John's eyes closed and he swallowed jerkily.

"John..." he whispered, waiting until his lust heavy hazel eyes opened and focused on his with difficulty before he continued. "I want you in me."

"Rodney..." John's voice was choked, and he closed his eyes for a second as he fought to control himself. "I...I don't know if I can be gentle. We can wait to do that...."

"No..." Rodney leaned forward and kissed those generous lips, sucking on the lower one for a moment before drawing back to look into John's desperate gaze. "I've waited long enough. You won't hurt me. Please."

"Fuck, Rodney, you don't know what you do to me." John kissed him brutally, taking possession of Rodney's mouth, turning the kiss hot and wet and dirty, and Rodney was getting hard again, shivering with anticipation of having John's beautiful cock inside of him.

Rodney dragged himself away from the kiss and rolled onto his side away from him, bending his knee to give John the access he needed to make him whole.

"Have you got any...."

"In the draw beside the bed," Rodney murmured, pillowing his head on his arm and listening as John fumbled around in the draw.

It wasn't long before John was slowly pressing a finger into him, stretching him slowly and carefully and finding that sweet spot deep within him, stroking it until Rodney was whimpering and shaking with need. Then the fingers were withdrawn and replaced by John, and he was slowly rocking in being so very careful and patient and Rodney had never felt something so poignant and sweet as the moment John buried himself completely in him, hot and hard and ready to make Rodney his.

He started to move slowly and evenly, stroking his prostate with steady thrusts, making Rodney shiver and moan as his hands traced the length of his body. All the while John was whispering in his ear in a deep, rough voice, telling him how beautiful he was, how much John wanted and needed him, how much he meant to him.

John slowly sped up his thrusts, carrying them both swiftly to the brink and then pushing them over into a wonderful freefall that had his toes curling and he cried out, gripping John's forearm as he shook with the force of his orgasm.

He felt John biting his shoulder and shaking against his back as he shuddered with a deep groan and came inside Rodney.

He didn't remember much after that, just the feeling of loss as John carefully withdrew, and he floated on the pleasant waves of exhaustion as John carefully extracted himself from the bed and left, returning with a warm, wet wash cloth and carefully cleaning him off before crawling back into bed with him. By the time John had pulled the covers over them and settled against his back. Rodney was asleep once more, his body still humming from John's attention and from his own deep feeling of content.

TBC

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the long delay in updating, but holiday season is usually a pretty busy time! Thanks for your patience and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. As usual, I welcome questions, comments and constructive criticisms. Take care!


	15. The Planets Bend Between Us

CHAPTER FOURTEEN - _The Planets Bend Between Us_

_And I won't end my days_

_Wishing that love would come along_

_Because you are in my life where you belong_

_Now that I've found you I'll call off the search_

Call off the Search byKatie Melua

* * *

John liked to think of himself as a patient man. You had to be, when you dealt with the kind of things that he had seen. Whether it was dealing with green recruits, waiting in ambush for an enemy or negotiating between bickering parties, it was a quality that was frequently needed in a profession such as him.

But he had found, over the years that he had been in Pegasus, that in some things, his patience was short lived and easily tested. Number one on that list was one Rodney Mckay. Ever since they had first met, he was constantly reminding himself that patience was the one thing that was necessary when dealing with a stubborn Mckay, and simply giving in to the urge to throttle the man senseless was a rather pointless, if not satisfying act.

The other, simpler things on his list paled in significance to Rodney. The man was as stubborn as an ox and twice as immovable when he set his mind on something. He did what he wanted when he wanted, and trying to impose rules and regulations on him was like about as pointless as throwing oneself off a balcony trying to fly.

Still, John was about the only person who could manipulate Rodney into doing things, seemingly without Rodney even realizing sometimes. It took a lot of passive aggressive maneuvering on his behalf, and more than a little quiet persistance, but he was more that willing if it meant that Rodney did what he was supposed to for a change.

However, making him stick to things that he had eventually agreed to was next to impossible, mainly because he was too busy to remember things that he didn't see as necessary.

Pregnancy hadn't made his stubborn tendencies disappear. If anything, it made them worse, and he was driving Sam, Keller _and _John to distraction. Just trying to locate the man was a migraine waiting to happen, and John was almost at the end of his patience. He had tried their quarters, the labs, and mess hall, their favorite haunts, the rec rooms, the control room and Sam's office, and everywhere else he could think of that Rodney was allowed to go.

The infirmary was his last resort, and he couldn't remember that Rodney had any check ups or anything on. But if something had happened, Keller knew to let him be one of the first informed.

When he stuck his head in the door and surveyed the usual bustle that went on in the place, he saw no sign of him. It was mid evening, so things were starting to quiet down, the nurses settling their patients for the night, and the doctors finishing up their research for the shift.

Keller looked up and frowned when she saw him.

"Colonel Sheppard. Is something wrong?"

John straightened with a scowl and headed towards her.

"You seen Rodney recently?" he asked, trying not to let his irritation show in his voice.

She smiled.

"I have actually," she seemed a little too smug for his liking and he eyed her suspiciously. "You might like to try down on the North Pier. I hear he's spending his evenings down there lately."

"What's down there?"

She smiled at him and patted his arm. "Go and see for yourself."

Feeling a little put off, he left the infirmary and took all the short cuts he knew to the Pier in question.

If Rodney was out there somewhere by himself....he couldn't be held responsible for what he would do to the man.

He really was starting to try John's patience. He was well into his sixth month of pregnancy and his energy levels were at their height it seemed, and keeping up with him was next to impossible. He seemed unaware of his own physical limits, and almost every night, the moment he sat down on their bed, he was out like a light. Both Keller and John were struggling to get him to realize that he needed to take it easy and rest.

John himself was going through changes that startled him. As his relationship with Rodney deepened, so did his attachment to the baby that had come to be the centre of all of their daily routines. Only Rodney seemed to be the one actively avoiding thinking about the small life that was growing inside him.

He complained of shooting pains in his legs and tingling in his hands, and the awkwardness of having a football growing in his stomach, but aside from that, he made no mention of it. Sometimes, he'd catch Rodney with a funny look on his face, as if something was puzzling or paining him, but when questioned about it, he would dismiss it almost immediately. To say that John was irritated was an understatement.

He turned his thoughts to what Rodney could possibly doing this far out on the pier at the late hour that it was. There wasn't much on this Pier, only abandoned factory like buildings that had once been used for the manufacture of Puddle Jumpers and warships. Now they stood empty, and were mainly used for storage.

However, there was one building way out on the furthest possible edge from the city that housed a wonder. It was a recreation room, housing a large bathing house. A huge pool, three times the size of any Olympic swimming pool dominated the hall, its temperature controlled by thought alone. There were several smaller rooms that held private spa-like baths.

The best part though, was the retractable roof. The whole building was made of the same, stained glass windows that made up the rest of Atlantis, but the roof and one entire window retracted silently back to reveal a view of the never-ending ocean. At night time, the view of the night sky would be breathtaking. Knowing that it was the only place the Rodney would be, he headed in that direction.

But the area was off limits at night time, and everyone was good at following orders and rules set around Atlantis. It was a rec area that was open at certain hours of the morning and afternoon, and was rather popular, but no one ever stayed after the area was closed. The very thought that _Rodney, _of all people would be the one the break those rules baffled him beyond all reason.

It was a good half hour walk from the central tower of Atlantis, and there were lights glowing softly when he approached. Swallowing his rapidly growing anger, and telling himself that there was probably a good explanation (he hoped) he told the locked doors to open for him. They did so after a moment's hesitation, and he entered.

And there was Rodney in the water at the far edge of the pool, resting at the edge with his arms folded and his chin resting on them pensively as he looked out at the dark ocean.

Silently, he approached from the side that Rodney couldn't see him, keeping his anger in check and counseling himself to patience, patience, patience, a familiar mantra that had become his companion over the last few months.

"Mind telling me what you think you're doing?" he asked as he approached, keeping his tone light. As energetic and good tempered as Rodney had been of late, he was just as quick to anger and stir to a fight, and Keller had been worried about his rising blood pressure enough lately.

Besides, he wasn't looking for a fight. He was tired and aching from a long day of work, and while his anger was simmering away, what he really wanted was a quiet evening with his lover and friend.

Rodney looked up at him and smiled, all wet and inviting, and John had a hard time not caving right there and then.

"Hey you. Where have you been hiding yourself today?"

John crouched down, just out of reach. He rubbed his eyes tiredly before eyeing Rodney once more.

"Busy shepherding the hoards as usual. And you?"

"The same," it was Rodney's turn to eye John. "You look tired. You should come in for a swim."

And that was another thing that threw John off. The irritable, snarky man who would stress and worry and snipe at the smallest things had disappeared, leaving a laid back and relaxed man in his wake, who was surprising sensual and tenacious. While John loved the different sides of Rodney that pregnancy presented him with, it still tended to throw him off balance every now and then.

"Why are you out here all by yourself?" he asked, changing the subject and looking around nervously.

"He's not," another voice replied before Rodney could.

John looked over his shoulder to see both Heightmire and Teyla emerging from the private rooms, dressed and with damp hair.

"Colonel, nice to see you again," Heightmire smiled at him. She looked down at Rodney. "Good work today Rodney. We'll see you again on Friday."

Teyla smiled at them both, her eyes twinkling at John's confused look, before she followed Heightmire out. The doors snicked closed behind them.

"What's going on, Rodney?" he looked down at his lover, trying and failing to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Rodney grinned at him and pushed away from the wall, floating on his back. He was dressed only in a pair of boxer shorts, his swelling stomach blatantly obvious, and his scars standing out even with the distortion of the water. John had never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

"Why don't you come in and I'll tell you about it?"

The offer was too tempting to resist anymore, so with a roll of his eyes, John stripped off his jacket and shirt, his thigh holsters, boots and trousers following in quick succession.

Rodney was still smiling at him as he watched, paddling around on his back and John felt the hot flush of the beginnings of arousal as he looked at the man he loved beyond all rhyme and reason.

Gingerly, he dipped a foot in to Rodney's laughter, and found the water pleasantly warm.

"C'mon you big baby. Get your ass in here."

With an annoyed huff, he sat on the edge and slipped in, his black cotton boxers a hindrance that he would rather do without, but they were in a public place and it wouldn't do to be caught skinny dipping.

With a sigh, he ducked his head under before surfacing and shaking the water out of his eyes.

"Feel better?" Rodney asked knowingly as he swam towards John.

"Helluva lot better," John admitted, settling himself on the sitting ledge that ran along the edges of the pool. He grinned as Rodney swam right up between his legs and pressed a close mouthed, sweet kiss to his mouth before pushing off and ducking underneath.

"So tell me why you're really here?" John asked when he'd surfaced.

Rodney huffed a little in embarrassment, but started swimming back towards him.

"If you must know, Teyla and Kate are teaching me exercises to help me relax. The swimming makes it easier,' he admitted, his cheeks flushing a little. "I'm finding it harder and harder to do the normal stretches."

Rodney could be quite bashful when it came to his thickening waistline, but if John was honest with himself, he had never been more fascinated or so much in love with Rodney's changing body.

It was clichéd but there was something different about him, something a little more sensual about the way he moved. Maybe it was because the feelings that John had for Rodney were growing by the day. It was the most ordinary, mundane things that changed a man, he thought to himself, as he found his arms full of Rodney.  
"It's a good idea," John murmured, pressing a chaste kiss to his mouth, followed swiftly by another. Rodney retaliated with another kiss, and John was suddenly drowning in a completely different way, staring at Rodney in thrall.

He'd never seen eyes so blue until that fateful day he'd met Rodney. The strong chin and jaw line, the crooked mouth that expressed so much, the curve of his nose, his fine eyebrows, it all added up to one picture that he would never grow tired of studying.

To John, Rodney was Atlantis. He was everything that made it work, that kept them floating, kept them going one more day with his lightning fast thinking and his razor sharp tongue. Atlantis wasn't the same without Rodney; that was a lesson that he had learned the hard way. Rodney had been there since the beginning, and should he ever feel the need to leave for any reason, John would gladly follow him without a second thought.

And here he was, facing the very man to whom he had given his heart, swimming in circles around each other, and he couldn't quite believe that his life had led him to where he was. A life growing between them, the future looming up ahead, full of big decisions and doubt, and there wasn't a moment of heartache he would take back, if it led him right to Rodney.

"It's a beautiful night isn't it?" Rodney asked, breaking the quiet. "We both know I'm not really an outdoor man, but it's impossible to stay inside when there's a view like this, isn't it?"

Rodney had tilted his head back and was staring at the star laden sky with a slight smile on his face. John couldn't find the words to agree with him, because the only beautiful view he saw before him was the happiest he had been for a long time.

"What do you think Jeanie is doing right now?"

"Oh I don't know," John finally, tearing his eyes away from his completely unique lover and launched himself away to float on his back. "Probably rounding up Maddy and that husband of hers."

Rodney laughed a little at that.

"You're probably right. I never thought that her having a family would make her so happy, but I guess I was wrong."

John grinned and paddled back towards Rodney slowly.

"It's been known to happen every now and then."

Rodney snorted and splashed water at him, then grinned, his eyes sparking bright as he reached out and poked John in the side.

"Hey!" he flinched back, fighting a grin and losing as Rodney did it again.

"Admit it. You loved it there, and you loved them. I saw how relaxed you were there."

John smiled at him and reached out to run a hand briefly across Rodney's jaw.

"I did. They remind me of what family is supposed to be like. Of how mine used to be before....before it all went wrong."

It was hard to acknowledge the pain of a past long pushed into the back ground, but with everything that had happened recently, it had been becoming harder to ignore the ghosts of his family.

A mother who had died too early, a father who had worked too hard and a brother who had shut him out so completely that he had felt as if he didn't even exist. He had grown up in a family that knew money, and stood so solidly on what was right and proper that emotions never even came into the equation. He had been cut from a different cloth, unable to not care and unable to let go.

Rodney sobered quickly at that and seemed to be choosing his words carefully.

"Do you want a family of your own? After whatever went wrong with your own?"

John thought about the question for a couple of minutes, swimming around as he mulled it over.

"So many things went wrong when I was growing up. My father was a hard man, my mother quiet and closed off. Me and my brother, we learnt to be seen and not heard. When she died, my mother left us in the care of a man who was more concerned with his career than he was about his own sons. No house we ever lived in was a home in any way to us. I felt...claustrophobic for most of my teenage years. The moment I could find a way to escape, I took it without a moments hesitation," he said eventually, before pausing for a moment to duck his head under water.

"Having been through a long childhood of disappointment and expectations, I'm not sure I'd be able to be a family man. The thought of it scares me. I can't stand the thought of turning into my father."

Rodney snorted rudely, startling John out of his melancholy thoughts.

"I'm sorry, but there's no chance of that happening in a million years. I know you, and I know that you would never become someone like your father. If anything, your only fault would be caring _too _much."

John blinked in surprise at that then smiled, touched at Rodney's unquestioning loyalty in him. That was one thing people took for granted in Rodney and it was honestly their loss.

There wasn't much he could say to that, so he followed Rodney back over to the edge of the pool and they arranged themselves on the underwater ledge side by side.

"See, my family was entirely the opposite of how you describe yours. Instead of being distant and closed off, if anything they were too honest with each other, too cruel. When they weren't too busy yelling at each other, which was most of the time, they were yelling at me and Jeannie. And when they stormed off in righteous anger, they'd spend days at a time in their labs, leaving me and Jeannie alone. The result was still the same though. We all ended up lonely and alone, Jeannie and I stopped talking and that was that. Not much of a family at all, by any standard."

There wasn't much he could say to that so he bumped his shoulder gently against Rodney's in silent support. Rodney smiled again, but it was twisted and bitter and it wasn't a look that John liked to see on his face.

"Look at us huh? A couple of middle aged guys sitting in a pool in another galaxy completely and our family problems still manage to get us down," Rodney chuckled. "How pathetic huh?"

"Not pathetic, no," John said, looking out across the water, and watching the underwater lights reflect the rippling of the pool on the walls. "Just different."

"Right. Just different," Rodney laughed for real. "I think different for us qualifies as completely bat-shit crazy, don't you?"

John grinned at him. "I'm starting to get that."

Rodney frowned a moment later, a funny look crossing his face.

"What?"

"Nothing just..." Rodney started, but then winced sharply.

John straightened up, his hand clutching Rodney's shoulder.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"It's okay, its just...Ow." He winced again, his hand going to the swell of his stomach.

"Should I call Keller? Is there something wrong with the baby? Rodney...."

"I'm okay," Rodney exhaled slowly, his hand rubbing his stomach under the water. "I think...I think the baby kicked me. It's never done that before. Moved, I mean."

"Really?" John's fear died down a little at that, but he kept his hand on his shoulder, ready to haul him out of the water at the moments notice.

"Yes really," Rodney scowled at him, annoyed. "Would you calm down? I'm not going to break. Keller said that feeling movement was normal. It just feels....weird."

Rodney took his hand and placed it down low on his stomach on his right side. A couple of moments later, he felt something brush his hand softly.

"Wow...that's amazing." John whispered in amazement. "That's the first time it's moved?"

Rodney nodded, his eyes closed. "Keller was getting a little worried about it, because it's been so still, but apparently it's decided to get active."

The baby moved against John's hand again, and they sat there, locked in silence as the baby shifted within Rodney's belly restlessly. It just made everything feel so much more real to John, with the evidence of new life beneath his very hand, moving and growing in its cramped little world.

He would never admit it to anyone, certainly not Rodney, but he had started to love the baby more each day, wondering at the blooming of fresh life. Feeling it move made his chest ache in a funny way.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked several minutes later, both his hands glued to Rodney's stomach.

Rodney shook his head. "Must have got in a lucky shot." he murmured, with his eyes still closed.

John leaned forward and pressed his lips to his shoulder reverently, before pressing another to where his shoulder met his neck and laying his head there, feeling damp skin and heat beneath his cheek and breathing in the sharp, clean smell of Rodney.

A cheek rested gently against his head, and he closed his eyes when he felt Rodney's arms close around him.

He left his hands on Rodney's stomach, longing fiercely for further movement of the tiny child.

* * *

"This is so unfair," Rodney said for the thousandth time that morning, a grumpy glare on his face as he rested propped up on the pillows of their bed.

John, who was digging through the contents of their closet looking for his favorite jacket, rolled his eyes, knowing Rodney couldn't see it.

Confining him to bed rest had been necessary for his and the baby's health, but Keller obviously hadn't been thinking of John's peace of mind or his sanity when she had reinforced the decision.

"So you've said for the umpteenth time this morning Rodney, but there isn't anything I can do about it, as I've also said for the hundredth time this morning."

"Bullshit. You're the military commander of Atlantis. There has to be something you can do. You're just choosing not to."

"You're right," John agreed as he freed his jacket with an aggressive tug before he straightened up and shrugged into it, turning to face him. "And it's for your own good. You were working too hard and it was taking a toll on you too much."

"I can work sitting down, you know that," Rodney grumbled.

"Yeah, that's what you said a month ago too, but it didn't slow you down at all. You'll also notice that I haven't taken away your computers, and that Sam hasn't restricted your access to the city servers."

John tightened his holsters and checked that his firearms had the safety's flipped on. After that unfortunate accident with Smith and a gun without the safety on a week ago, he wasn't taking chances.

"And here you are going on a mission again when _you _should be resting," Rodney said accusingly. "Don't think I don't know your knee is hurting you again. I'm not blind, John."

"And I'm not disabled. I can walk and run just fine. Keller wouldn't have cleared me for the mission if I wasn't fit."

"Whatever. Don't blame me if you're pulled from duty for a month because you hurt yourself again," Rodney muttered sulkily.

John couldn't help the smile that was teasing at his mouth, so he turned around and leaned down on the bed to press a kiss to that down turned mouth.

"Now don't be a sour puss Rodney," he grinned when he'd pulled back. "I'll be back this evening, remember? And tomorrow Leander's going to visit, remember? Carter finally approved his arrival in Atlantis."

John knew that Rodney still had mixed feelings about the man, but Keller had wanted to talk to him about that other man who Leander had helped, and she and Heightmire had both agreed that his visit might help put things in perspective for Rodney himself.

"Please. Sourpuss? If that's all you've got, go now and don't come back until you've thought of better insults." Rodney grumped, but John could see that he'd relaxed a little.

He pressed another, deeper kiss to Rodney's beloved mouth before dragging himself away. It wouldn't help to get too interested right before a mission. Besides, they were giving Martinez a try on the team today, and it wouldn't be a good look to be turned on their first meeting.

"I've gotta go, I'm going to be late. You look after yourself, you hear?"

"You too. Don't go getting yourself held hostage or roughed up or anything ridiculous like that."

John grinned at him, and shouldered his pack before heading towards the door.

"Zelenka will be here in a few to go over re-scheduling with you. Bye!"

Grinning to himself, he headed for the gate room, and what promised to be an extremely boring trade mission. The one comfort being that it wasn't an over night mission, and he'd be back in Atlantis in less than eight hours.

Best just to grin and bear it until it was over.

* * *

John scowled in pain and irritation as Ronon hefted him a little higher on his shoulder and they staggered another couple of steps.

"I'd never have thought I'd start missing Rodney on missions," Ronon growled. "I never knew you were as clumsy as he is."

"I'm not clumsy," he retorted before gritting his teeth as a hot flash of pain engulfed his knee once more. "It's just been a bad week."

"It's not much further to the gate." Teyla squinted into the distance. "Perhaps I can go ahead and send a stretcher back for you."

"That won't be necessary," he muttered, recognizing their teasing for what it was. If anything it took his mind off of the pain of his dislocated knee. Keller was going to kill him.

"Seriously, how is it possible for you to _injure _yourself walking down a flight of stairs?" Ronon groused as they hobbled along.

John was seriously starting to wonder that himself. One minute he had been fine, the next he had gone down, not exactly _howling _in pain, but not being quiet about it either. His knee hurt like a bitch and he had been warned by Keller to take it easy, or surgery might become necessary to correct the damage to his knee.

In his mind, he was griping silently to himself about how it was exactly why he had joined the air force, rather than the army or the navy. He flew planes, he didn't do ground work. He was a pilot for chrissakes, and finding himself in another galaxy, Commander of a mission that regularly seemed doomed to end horribly had not been something he had signed up for. But like everything else he had come to accept the blows that life dealt him and to roll with the punches.

While he had regretted that at times, there were some things he wouldn't change for the world.

His knee on the other hand was viciously and vindictively hating him for his decision.

"Holy shit this hurts," he gasped, unable to keep his pain silent any longer.

The gate loomed in from of them and Ronon set him down with surprising gentleness. Teyla had splinted his knee with expert hands and was dialing the gate.

"You're getting old, Sheppard. Couple of years ago, this would hardly have slowed you down," Ronon said, taking a seat beside him and stretching out his legs.

Coming from anyone else, the words would have stung John into action out of spite and a stubborn need to prove them wrong. Coming from Ronon, however, the words were only meant to tease. Especially with this that subtle glint in his eye that told John he was getting way too much enjoyment out of his suffering.

"Colonel," Teyla called from somewhere behind them, sounding worried.

Both he and Ronon turned to look over their shoulders from their seats on the ground.

"The gate to Atlantis is not engaging. I fear something had happened to prevent the gate from making a connection."

"Damn it," John cursed, allowing Ronon to help him to his feet. All notion of teasing had vanished from their minds in that instant. "This is why we need Rodney. Try it again."

Teyla nodded and did as he asked as Ronon shouldered their packs once more and pulled John's arm over his shoulder.

Teyla shook her head grimly when the gate yet again failed to engage.

"Try the alpha site," he ordered, not letting the building distress cloud his mind or his judgment.

They all breathed a sigh of relief when the gate to the alpha site engaged.

"Not a problem on our side then," Ronon remarked as Teyla sent her IDC through.

"Small mercy," John muttered as Teyla stepped up to his other side and took his arm. Together they moved towards the gate, with the throbbing pain in his knee increasing with each step they took. Now the possibility of a situation on Atlantis was just what he needed.

Upon emerging on the other side, they were greeted with grim faced marines and a face full of weapons.

"Relax guys, it's just us," John said through gritted teeth.

"It's good to see your face, Sir," Lieutenant Markham said, jogging up to them as they staggered down the stairs.

"What's the situation with Atlantis, Lieutenant?"

"They contacted us a couple of minutes ago sir. There was some kind of malfunction with the gate on their end, but they've managed to re-establish a connection with us. Colonel Carter has ordered that all gate activity is to cease until they've run some tests to establish that the wormhole is stable and that it's safe to travel."

"Good," Sheppard sighed. All the built up tension drained from his body. Atlantis was safe, Rodney and the baby were safe. "That's good. Now someone get me to the damn infirmary before I fall on my face."

"Doctor Abraham is ready and waiting for you, Sir," Markham smiled.

Half an hour later, he was settled on an infirmary bed, his knee surrounded with icepacks and the pain dulled considerably by drugs. Teyla and Ronon had washed and changed and were sitting at his bedside as they all waited rather impatiently for the gate to be fixed.

"Well guys, I have a feeling I won't be out in the field for a while," John told them ruefully as he ran a hand through his hair. "Keller threatened to ground me for a few months if I did my knee in again."

"Stairs can be a fearsome enemy, can't they?" Ronon said casually, cleaning underneath his fingernails with one of his many knives.

John scowled at him and crossed his arms. The whole day had been irritating at very best, and Ronon's teasing wasn't easing his concern over this gate problem.

"I'm sure it won't be very long John," Teyla reassured him calmly, with a withering look at Ronon. "Keller's team of doctors are very good."

"I have no doubt," John agreed. "But Rodney will never let me here the end of this."

Teyla smiled. "I think you may be right."

"He's getting big," Ronon said bluntly, moving to his other hand. "Like he's going to explode soon."

"I hope you didn't actually _say _that to him, Ronon," John scowled at him once more.

"You crazy?" Ronon snorted. "I don't have a death wish. His temper is..."

"Quite volatile these days," Teyla broke in. "And understandably so. His time is coming near and he is undoubtedly anxious about it."

"Has he said anything to you about it?" he asked sharply.

Teyla shook his head and smiled at him indulgently.

"He doesn't need to John. While he hasn't said anything about it, it is obvious in the way he carries himself, and it's natural in all expectant parents."

"It's amazing that he's carried the baby this far," John said softly, looking away from her and down at his roughened hands. "Keller told me she wasn't expecting him to make it past the third month at the latest, and now he's almost through month six and it's getting closer to his due date. No one knows what's going to happen to him or the baby and I think he's avoiding thinking about what that means...."

"John," Teyla reached out and took one of his hands. "Rodney is stronger than he thinks he is. He has one of the best teams of doctor's on all of earth to help him through this. He has us. He had _you._"

"Yeah, some help I've been," John replied cynically. "I hardly know how to act around him myself, let alone...."

He broke off and rubbed at his eyes in exhaustion. "Sorry guys. I'm just tired. Maybe I should get some rest."

"Pain does that," Ronon said, standing up. "I'll wake you as soon as Atlantis contacts us again."

With that he left them alone. Teyla herself stood up, smiling down at him.

"You need not worry, John. Rodney knows that you love him. If he has nothing else, he has that and he knows that's enough."

John looked up at her, trying not to let his surprise show. Although really, he should have been surprised. It was _Teyla _he was talking to, and there had actually been a point when he'd been worried that her powers of observation were actually some kind of supernatural phenomenon.

"You...you know about that huh?"

"Do not fear, John Sheppard. I am aware of your military's rules and regulations on same sex relationships, and I can assure you that neither you nor Rodney have been obvious about your relationship. It is, however, obvious to both me and Ronon, but only because we know you both so well, and that the culmination of you relationship was inevitable. I have never met two people who complement each other so completely."

There wasn't much he could say to such a compliment, so he squeezed her hand gently, grateful that she never seemed to need words to know what he was feeling.

"Do not worry about what's going to happen a week from now. Concentrate on getting Rodney through another day. Now, get some rest."

Teyla patted his hand and left quietly. John lay back in the bed and stared at the ceiling.

The Alpha site had been developed and built upon since their arrival in Pegasus. There were still tents that slept soldiers, or held supplies but more buildings were going p every month. There was the Communications and Co-ordination building, the infirmary and the mess hall, shower and bathroom facilities.

They didn't have the beauty, nor the calm, serene colors of Atlantis, and he'd give everything to be back there. He needed to see Rodney; just being away from him when he was becoming heavily pregnant rapidly.

There were so many untidy ends to the whole messy saga, and it had been nagging at him ever since they'd gotten Rodney back. John needed answers, and he had no doubt that Rodney did too.

But a long day of boredom, pain and worry had worn down him, and made his mind dull. Within minutes, he was fast asleep.

* * *

It was almost one in the morning when they finally were able to gate back to Atlantis. The gate room was quiet, except for the few Techs and scientists who were diligently tying up loose ends of the problem that they had finally solved.

It was Keller and Sam that greeted them on the floor of the gate room.

"It's good to have you back," Sam greeted them tiredly. "Sorry about the delay. We didn't want to risk losing you when we could wait and run some tests to ensure we wouldn't."

"We understand, Colonel Carter. There was no harm done," Teyla assured her.

John was dopey with tiredness and drugs, but he managed a smile for Carter anyway.

"We should get you to the infirmary, Colonel Sheppard," Keller stepped forward. "I'd like to do some scans on your knee."

There was no recrimination or accusation in her voice though, but her eyes were filled with anxiety, and he suddenly knew it wasn't aimed at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked, suddenly alert.

"You should come to the infirmary, John," she told him seriously. "We'll talk there."

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."

She sighed and closed her eyes briefly, before looking at him directly.

"It's Rodney."

TBC

A/N: Sorry for the delay guys. Hopefully the next chapter will be up next weekend and thank you to all of you who kept reviewing and encouraging me to continue. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think!!!!


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